------------------------------------------------------------- CATEGORY: Humor RATING: PG SPOILERS: "Detour" (duh) DISCLAIMER: I am in no way the author of these characters, who are owned by the 1013 Salvage yard and Chris Carter's Waterslide Park. If you're itching to sue me, realize now that it is not lucrative. I WILL PLEAD INSANITY. ARCHIVE: only with various yadda intact SUMMARY: A sort of "what if?" story, like what if there hadn't been a roadblock in "Detour", and Mulder and Scully had to attend that teamwork conference after all? Read on: ------------------------------------- (Setting: Mulder and Scully are at FBI convention during a long-winded motivational speech, passing a note back and forth on a legal pad. They don't actually write their names before what they say to one another, that's for YOUR convenience. There are small cues to show actions...) Mulder: (starting note) If he says one more thing about "interpersonal coordinative relations", I'm throwing my cell phone at his head. Right now, I'm willing him to explode. Scully: (putting down book) It's not spontaneous combustion if you WILL it to happen, Mulder. Mulder: You've been in the X-Files too long. I was just going to set him on fire. That's pretty spontaneous. Come on, amuse me, I'm bored senseless... Scully: You LOOK bored senseless... Mulder: That's just my default facial expression. Right now, I'm actually bored senseless. Scully: It's not my fault you didn't bring something to read. Mulder: I did! It's in my briefcase. But this month's issue is always a little too raunchy for public viewing. Scully: It's not my fault you didn't bring something *interesting* to read. Aren't the articles supposed to be intelligent? Mulder: I don't know, I've never read them. Besides, I only put them in my carry-on to divert security from finding the bomb. What are you reading? Trashy bodice-ripper? Scully: It's a book of dissertations on Quantum Theory. Now let me read it. Mulder: If you're not nice, I'll tell you the ending. Silly me, thinking you owned a bodice-ripper. Scully: I do; I keep him in the closet until he's needed. (Mulder reads it, hands it back, bites his lip to keep from laughing, spits coffee instead) Scully: Oh, THAT'S attractive. Mulder: That's what you get for springing your stealth-humor on me. At least I faced AWAY from you. Scully: Yeah, but you sprayed that other guy. Mulder: He's pissed. I'm trying to decide whether or not I care. Nope. Scully: Will you leave me alone so I can read? Mulder: Write it like you mean it and I might consider it. Scully: LEAVE ME ALONE SO I CAN READ. Mulder: Why did we decide to carpool with the two biggest syncophantic spazzes in the Bureau? Why couldn't we have just gone by ourselves? Scully: Because YOU forgot to turn in our requisition for the travel expense, remember? Mulder: I don't recall that. (Scully leaves legal pad in her lap and continues to read. Mulder takes it back.) Mulder: Am I annoying you? Scully: YES!!!!!!!!!!! Mulder: Punctuation is a right, not a privilege. I ate the macadamia nuts in your minibar. Scully: Good, because I stole your shampoo. Mulder: Ha! I packed my own shampoo! Scully: I should've known that. Mulder: What's that supposed to mean? Scully: Oh, you know, probably nothing. (Long pause with no note-writing. Mulder wonders if Scully thinks he has a pampered coif. Taps fingers on notebook.) Mulder: It smells like a cult in here. Scully: But the red Kool-aid is delicious! Mulder: (laughing) As long as you didn't take the brown acid. Scully: Can I be honest with you? Mulder: Ooooh, yes! Please! Scully: Lift your head from the gutter. Mulder: My entire body's in the gutter. You'll have to lift the grate. Scully: In that case, I won't bother. Mulder: Ouch. Scully: This book is boring. Mulder: I heard the movie was better. All the quarks die at the end. It's a bloodbath. Scully: If we blow this place, will anyone notice? Mulder: If they do, I'll shoot them. Scully: They took our guns, remember? Mulder: No guns at an FBI convention...We're like the Holy Church of Total Ineffectiveness. Scully: We could whap them with my purse. Mulder: I know you keep an inflatable raft in there, just in case. Scully: This is my formal purse. Mulder: Maybe if you flashed L. Ron Hubbard up there, we could both get out. (Scully elbows him, *hard*. He makes a squeaky, barely contained squeal of pain.) Mulder: I keep my heart in there! Let's leave, find a good Mexican restaurant, and just throw down on some guacamole. Scully: If you eat Mexican, I am NOT sharing a car with you. Mulder: You can ride with your head out the window. Don't elbow me again. Scully: Let's go. Nobody cares if we leave. (They leave) (Mulder is carrying Scully's purse, and wonders when THAT happened.)
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