This was originally posted to the X-Files Mailing List:
TITLE: "The Slightly Mundane X-Files of Scully & Mulder"
CATEGORY: Humor
RATING: PG
SPOILERS: Mild, harmless ones from various episodes
DISCLAIMER: I'm not Chris Carter. I'm not 1013. They're not mine.
ARCHIVE: With the various yadda intact
SUMMARY: There are MANY things you've yet to learn about Mulder &
Scully.
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Mulder, often flatulent on long roadtrips -- no thanks to potato logs --
blames it on the alien stiletto. ("Pffffft." "Mulder, what was that?"
"Damn alien stiletto." "Where do you keep that thing?" "In my pants
pocket." "And you want to pass along your seed?") Meanwhile, Scully
blames her flatulence on methane levels in the atmosphere, faulty
heating systems in motel rooms, noisy rental cars, and a phenomenon
called swamp gas. She has all the pertinent science to
back it up, too.
*
A drunken Mulder mistakenly taped a cross to his window instead of an X,
pissing off one of his Satanic neighbors. Also, just to annoy X,
sometimes he'd tape "-LAX" right behind the X.
*
Mulder cried at the end of Beaches, while Scully postulated on the
dangers posed by Barbara Hershey's collagen lip augmentations.
*
Mulder never cried for the movie Bambi before, but he does now.
*
Scully voted for Bob Dole; Mulder meant to vote, but got waylaid (heh)
by two highly acclaimed motion pictures called "A Midsummer Night's
Ream" and "Romeo Does Juliet".
*
Mulder is always quick to point out Scully's pantylines, and she's
always very frank about his pants riding up his ass.
*
Mulder believes hummus is a government plot to help cut down on an
excess of raw sewage. Ditto guacamole and Deviled-Chicken-in-a-Can.
Strangely, he still enjoys a good Spam sandwich with baked beans, Spam,
Spam, and Spam.
*
The times when Mulder lets Scully start the questioning in a case are
usually those when a Milk Dud or a Jolly Rancher has hinged his jaw
closed.
*
Not to be outdone by Scully eating a cricket, Mulder grabbed one, too --
and was embarrassed to discover that she hadn't really eaten hers.
*
Scully owns two copies of the DiVinyls' single "I Touch Myself" (one on
cassette, one on CD); Mulder owns a t-shirt that proclaims "Ribbed for
Her Pleasure."
*
Mulder believes the story about Richard Gere and the gerbil, but never
explains why.
*
Whenever Mulder is explaining one of his oddball theories to local law
enforcement, Scully stands just behind him, twirling her finger around
her ear where the cop can see.
*
Sometimes Mulder replaces the "o" in Fox with a "u" just to see if
anyone will say it out loud.
*
Scully sends Mulder kind, thoughtful Christmas cards. Mulder sends
Scully Shoebox Greetings and signs them "Mulder and the fishes" followed
by the names of his fish. Mulder sends Assistant Director Skinner
cryptic Christmas cards and signs them "Alex Krycek".
*
Scully can't bear to throw out her stockpile of "Die! Flea! Die!"
*
Mulder still wears his blue New York Knicks t-shirt, even though there's
a big piece ripped out of it.
*
Mulder sleeps on his sofa because his bed smells funny.
*
Scully hangs her toilet paper with the flap to the outside. Mulder
leaves his sitting on the floor atop a pile of *stimulating* literature.
*
Scully makes her grocery list on her computer. Just for grins, Mulder
easily hacks into it and replaces items like vegetable soup, salad
dressing, and Diet Coke with pork chitterlings, dental dams, and
felching tube (see Richard Gere).
*
Now, when Mulder is being taken in by a roadside scam, Scully has ceased
calling him sucker in favor of just making a loud, sucking sound.
*
No matter how many times he washed it, one shirt wouldn't lose that Van
Blundht odor.
*
Once, when Mulder was pulling one of his
talking-emphatically-while-driving-and-taking-his-eyes-off-the-road
tricks, Scully dozed off. When she woke up, the car was over in a
shallow ditch parked behind a state trooper with a crumpled back bumper.
Scully wondered how long he continued to talk after she had fallen
asleep.
*
To get Mulder back for giving Frohike her phone number, she replaced four
of those videos that aren't his with the Guns of Naverone, Weekend at
Bernie's, Police Academy VI, and Barney Video Karaoke.
*
As a prank, Mulder's fraternity brothers locked him in a boxcar. He
never thought this experience would come in handy.
*
During Mulder's long-winded Life in the Universe speeches, Scully often
silently recites the table of periodic elements. When he finishes, she
says one of two things, either "Mulder, you're crazy! There has to be a
logical explanation!" or "There's nothing substantial to prove that."
Often while he's espousing on *that* diatribe, she slips out and gets a
bite to eat or catches the afternoon matinee. When she returns, he's
*still* talking...
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