| How the Ghosts Stole the Slightly
Mundane By Amanda Finch [email protected] Somewhere, Darin Morgan weeps...or laughs snidely. We don't know... CATEGORY: VH (list/parody) Oh, the author liked the ep, but then Evil Amanda -- not to be confused with the regular author, Slightly Less Evil Amanda -- took the pen from me and threatened to pull a Clockwork Orange with my eyes taped open in front of "Teso dos Bichos". Slightly Less Evil Amanda intervenes: All Apologies: If you sent me feedback concerning last week's Dreamland version of the Slightly Mundane, I'm seriously behind on my mail, and thank you all. I will respond to your much-appreciated comments later today or in the week. :) 1. Scariest Moment in the Entire Episode: That moment when Mulder and Scully are walking through the house, and across the screen flashes: "Written and Directed by Chris Carter." 2. "I have a roll call under the Christmas tree at 6 AM." Gee, Bill Scully, Sr. was more of a militaristic influence than I thought. What then? Carol singing while swabbing the decks? Donning now their camoflage apparel and hunting down the dinner bird? "You WILL have yourself a Merry little Christmas or you will drop and give me 20!" 3. REJECTED DIALOGUE: Mulder: "Are you afraid?" Scully: "Only of this cheesy organ music." 4. Re: the left cheek sneak. One more flatulence joke paraded as worthy humor, and *I'm* taking a hostage. 5. "It's just cliches gleaned from a hundred different horror movies." Oh, for a minute, I thought she was talking about this episode. 6. In light of last season's Christmas episodes, I question what Scully has planned for her gun during the holiday meal. I mean, if Det. Kresge came to dinner and tried to get fresh with her, she might need it. I can only hope she was going to gun down Bill, Jr. and Tara. Maybe just give Father McCue a little scare: "No, I *don't* want to have confession." Make it a memorable holiday occasion for everyone. "Don't think! Just pick up the carving knife and make it happen!" 7. REJECTED DIALOGUE: Scully: Mulder, she's wearing my outfit. Mulder: I told you that jacket was out of style. 8. Paramasturbatory. Unintended irony concerning the cosmic mind-screw the sixth season has become. Consider yourself wanked. 9. Speaking of Paramasturbatory... The whole Mulder-deep throating-a-flashlight scene. As if "The Red and the Black" didn't give slashfic authors enough imagery to work with. 10. Note Taped to the Horse's Head in Carter's Bed: "Deck the halls with boughs of holly/ Fa la la la la la la la la/ Restore my two favorite agents to their recognizeable characterizations or you'll be sorry/ Fa la la la la la la la la la..." (Oh, I *kid* Mr. Carter, I do.) 11. It would've been really cool if, when they were both lying in pools of their own pseudo-blood, they swapped souls and thought it was 1939. Not. 12. "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas": (lyrics) "But until then somehow we'll muddle through..." Even MORE unintended irony. 13. In the X-Files universe, if you're stressed out and coping in front of the television, there will always be something on to either underscore or augment your personal pain (or if you're Mulder, a porn movie). Just once, I want them to look up from their couch during a moment of confused epiphany and see an old re-run of "Mr. Belvedere" or a tampon commercial like *I* do. 14. REJECTED DIALOGUE: (Mulder wakes up in the car from "Drive") Mulder: Scully! Crump's blood got on me when his head exploded, and I passed out from getting the creeps! And while I was passed out, I dreamed that you and I were on this ship -- The Queen Anne, and you were there but it wasn't you, and it was 1939 and there were Nazis, and I took the Nazi uniform from Spender, only it wasn't Spender, and then, we went out to Area 51, and this UFO flew over, and this really schmucky guy and I traded identities, and then, the UFO flew back over, and we traded back but didn't remember it, and then there was this haunted house, and you and I shot each other, but not *really* and -- Scully: That's it, no more szechuan beef and Dr. Pepper for you before bedtime. Mulder: Now, onto the *real* third episode of the season! 15. Mulder went to the He-Man School of Gift-Wrapping: Just wrap it up like a piece of candy, twist the ends and tape some ribbons on it. 16. REJECTED DIALOGUE: The Gifts. Scully: <opens gift> Oh, Mulder...it's a paranormal imaging device that I can use if I'm ever again uncertain as to if you are really yourself! <waves it over him -- machine smokes> Mulder: Oh, you have it on Egomaniac Detector. <clicks it over> There you go. <opens his own gift> It's...an inflatable Emmy award? Scully: <laughs> No, silly. It's a tracking device you can use to find me. It's like a divining rod. You just wear it over your groin. I've heard they're very comfortable. Mulder: But that would mean I had to wear it all the time.... Scully: I figure you're not using that area for anything special. <g> Merry Christmas, Mulder. Mulder: It really wasn't such a bad Christmas, was it? Scully: Well, considering past Christmas episodes, it was a walk in the park. Oh, and if you *ever* steal my car keys again, that tracking device is going to be ringing that I'm right behind you...kicking you in the ASS... ----------------------------- The Truth Would Rather Stick its Finger in a Light Socket. ------------------------------------ |