| Landing on a Slightly Mundane
Dream By Amanda Finch [email protected] "Hello me...Meet the *real* me!" CATEGORY: VH (list/parody) Watch for falling sarcasm. --------------------------- 1. REJECTED DIALOGUE, The "Cop-out" Series: (In the car) Scully: You *still* haven't made the follow-up on that whole hallway kiss thing. Mulder: <brings car screeching to a halt> Kiss? What kiss?! That was the weight of my tantalizingly full lower lip pulling me like gravity towards your face! 2. "We can't just disappear a couple of FBI agents." No, that would be an outlandish plot device and lord knows, this show has *never* relied on those. 3. REJECTED DIALOGUE: "Mulder": Dana? Scully: `Dana?' Did someone die?" 4. With Apologies to David Byrne "And you may tell yourself This is not my beautiful house And you may tell yourself These are not my boxer shorts So then whose the hell are they And where is my damn partner?" 5. Reality Check: I think most men would've checked down their pants first thing to see what they were packing, but that's just me. 6. All this time, Jim Morrison's story about a soul-swap with a Native American might've been true. That means there's a Navajo Indian out there somewhere in too-tight pants depleting the Arizona-New Mexico peyote supply. 7. I was hoping Kersh's secretary would change from week to week, like there was always a new bimbo at Capt. Kirk's side on the old Star Trek series. No such luck, obviously. 8. REJECTED DIALOGUE: "Mulder": On behalf of Agent Scully and myself, I'd like to apologize for our blatant disregard of your direct order. You have our word: We will never, ever do that again. In fact, sir, if you and I were so inclined, I'd take you out to dinner, get a room for the night and show you my -- Kersh: <nervous> Your apology is MORE than sufficient, Agent Mulder. 9. We've gone from the truth biting Scully in the ass (The Beginning) to having it give her a lecherous pat on the buttocks. At this rate, I'm alarmed at what the truth will do next. 10. I would've been interested in hearing how "Mulder" propositioned Kersh's assistant, but considering the source: "Hey, baby, we're running an in-house probe on administrative assistants and you're at the top of my list. Apartment 42, and lunch is you." 11. If the kids HAD come downstairs and saw what their "father" was watching, they would've seen a woman in a bikini and a man removing his shirt. Oooh, perversion in the heartland, call me an exorcist. That movie made the Red Shoe Diaries look hardcore. 12. "Morning, Terri." "Not Terri, Terrence...Terri's for wusses." "And Terrence isn't?" (I don't think you have much room to talk, *Fox*.) 13. I've heard a lot of people dissing the mirror dance scene, but this is actually a legitimate martial art: tae kwon dork. (When we cheered Duchovny's "Keaton-like" comic timing, guys, we meant BUSTER Keaton, not MICHAEL Keaton.) 14. Joann's befuddled but amused expression at "Morris's" dancing is one wives have been using for centuries when they walk in on their husbands doing something stupid. 15. REJECTED DIALOGUE: Capt. Robert McDunna (as Hopi woman): <translation> How FBI man get out of boxcar? Saw no other exit. Still so confused. 16. Mulder buys "David" brand sunflower seeds. I guess the X-Files will have to arrange a few more product placements before they start calling them "Duchovny". 17. Well, you can't get blood from a stone, but occasionally, you might get a lizard. 18. Of All The Things He Could've Said! "Your full name is Dana Katherine Scully. Your mother's name is Maggie. Your father was Bill, who's dead, but you had a few posthumous encounters with him. You may or may not have a brother named Charlie who may or may not have kids, you had this sister named Melissa, but then Krycek and Luis Cardinal thought she was you and killed her, and this brother named Bill, Jr. who's a massive prick, called me a sorry son of a bitch when you were in the hospital having that chip put back in your neck...ooh! Ooh! Because you were abducted for...uhm, it was either three weeks or three months. Yeah, remember I gave you your cross back, the one your mom gave you on your fifteeth birthday? Or was was it...Christmas when you were twelve? Oh, to hell with it." TO BE CONTINUED. Heh heh, just kidding. 19. Who does the FBI have taking pictures for their personnel files? Annie Leibowitz? No WONDER we have such a huge deficit. 20. Look! Footage of Krycek as a young man! Oh, wait...those are fake Spock ears. Never mind. 21. Did they put ankle chains on Mulder, or just tie his shoelaces together and chase him back to the base? 22. Obviously, that was Scully's brain in that bag Mulder had. Had to be. I'd never known "not having panties on straight" to cause the level of idiocy she displayed in that first episode. 23. REJECTED DIALOGUE: Wegman: Son, you got a set on you. I'll give you that much. Mulder: Thank you, sir, but they're not mine. Mine are a *much* nicer set. 24. "This guy hasn't been laid in 10 years." Well, four. But close enough. 25. Let's *Not* Get it On: If Marvin Gaye weren't already dead, Michael McKean's impromptu tribute would've certainly killed him. 26. REJECTED DIALOGUE: "Mulder": <cuffs himself> Now what? Oh, well erotic gunplay really isn't my...hey! 27. REJECTED DIALOGUE: Scully: Baby me and you'll be peeing through a catheter. I carry one with me at all times just in case, and I know *exactly* how to insert it. 28. Wouldn't it be *Mulder's* voice on the answering machine? 29. Bizarre Love Triangle: You know, I always pegged Byers as the wife, Frohike as the husband and Langly as the...well, let's just keep this list R- rated for now, shall we? 30. What happened to Dude, Stoner and Chick? Now we get Cracker, Bob and Whore? 31. REJECTED DIALOGUE: Scully: If we were off, if the event were off even one millisecond... Mulder: I might end up with my head in a rock. Scully: Well, you'd have to get it out of your ass first, but yeah. 32. REJECTED DIALOGUE: Mulder: Hey, Scully -- <hands her sunflower seeds> Eat these, spit out the shells on the floor...it'll be like I never left. 33. See? Mulder? Scully? *This* is the kind of information you cough up when you have your identities switched! Tales of fat asses and crappy apartments, get it? 34. REJECTED DIALOGUE: Mulder: C'mon, Morris. Let's go. Joann: What do you mean, Let's go? Where are you taking him? Couldn't he keep *this* body? *You're* not using it! 35. Dear Mr. Mulder, We at VISA have reason to believe that your card has been stolen, due to the list of your most recent purchases. While these purchases exhibited no more taste than usual, they also had nothing to do with 900 numbers, certain video stores or your usual idea of culture. Having grown fond of you over the years, we were wondering if you had finally gotten laid. 36. So you're saying...if I had been sitting on the couch where I was last Sunday instead of the floor, it would be like these episodes had never happened? 37. REJECTED DIALOGUE: Mulder: They've done it now, Scully! Bugging my apartment is one thing! Shooting through my window? Sure, that pissed me off. LSD in the water, yeah, that runs a close second. But coming in here and *redecorating* the place? That's the last straw! The Truth Will Snap Back Like a Rubber Band. ----------------------------- |