| Sailing the Slightly Mundane Seas By Amanda Finch [email protected] "I'm getting closer to my boat..." (Repeat roughly 100 times) CATEGORY: H (list/parody) Personal Disclaimer: I *liked* the episode. The Slightly Mundane are not indicative of my feelings for an episode and should not be considered a review...unless of course you don't *see* this disclaimer, and then, it is. ------------------------ 1. Tagline Translation: "My Trouser Schnitzel Wrote This Script" 2. REJECTED DIALOGUE: David: "So here I was lying in a sea of empty promises, rife with lies, emotional blackmail, deceit and -- " Director: "David, there's...no voiceover." David: "Voiceover? I was talking about contract negotiations!" 3. "Never heard of the FBI? But we have an expensive and humorous ad campaign with a talking Pomeranian!" 4. Suddenly, standing there in the Captain's chambers, Mulder admitted he had a problem, gave it over to a higher power and swore to never again sit outside his apartment building and snack on strange mushrooms. 5. "Oh sh --!" What's up with this show? Can't consummate a kiss, can't finish a swear word... 6. Assistants to Assistant Directors are obviously culled from the best and brightest of the Department of Motor Vehicles. 7. REJECTED DIALOGUE: Skinner: Use your head, Scully! It could save your ass! Scully: Save your own ass, sir. You'll save your head along with it! Skinner: Yeah, well...take your head and shove it up your ass, Scully! Scully: I'd tell you to do the same with your head, sir, but I'm pretty sure it's *already* up your ass! That's why you're bald! Skinner: Well, uh...<sobbingly rubs head> That hurts! Scully: I'm sorry, sir. I couldn't think of another way to use ass and head in a sentence. 8. REJECTED DIALOGUE: Scully: Assistant Director Kersh? There's a dead man smoking a cigarette in your office... 9. CELL PHONE: "The cell phone customer you are trying to reach is obviously on another of his half-assed jaunts..." 10. You've Got Mail! Dear Agent Fox W. Mulder, As someone who loses and/or damages a cell phone on a weekly basis, we at Nokia would like to refer you to our Kevlar-Boomerang waterproof model. We also think you'll find the PartnerSeek features just downright delightful, seeing as that you lose your partner almost as often as you lose your cell phone! Oh relax, Nokia is *kidding* with you, Agent Mulder! Also, for your benefit, we are working on a device that will make the phone sound as if it is realistically malfunctioning when it hears the voice of your Assistant Director. Charges may apply... 11. REJECTED DIALOGUE: Scully: Agent Spender, if you're not back in a hurry, I'm going to hunt you down, slam your diminuitive weasel penis in the sliding back door of a Mack truck with no brakes and... Spender: Okay, okay! I'm going! 12. Okay, Dana, first rule of phone subterfuge: Disguise your friggin' voice! 13. "That rat bastard!" Hey, it's an insult to Krycek to call that little ferret a rat bastard! And you can't insult Krycek unless you put him in the damn episode! 14. If Skinner gets a kiss on the mouth just for acquiring information, what would he have gotten if he actually had Mulder with him? ("I found Mulder, Agent Scully. He was lying face down in a clogged drainage ditch babbling about...hey, what are you...?! Well, uh, somebody's definitely going to get a desk out of *this*!") 15. Curious Guy in Elevator post-kiss: "I, uh, got some information for you too, Agent Scully..." Scully: Nice try. 16. A Personal Theory LANGLY: Use to be called "Fred". Grew his hair out, lost the big pants and the swingin' scarves, stopped catering to The Man. Still drives the mystery machine. BYERS: Short hair-do ordered by the Conformists at the FCC made his old name "Shaggy" seem terribly unearned, still scared of ghosts, but still possesses the enviable ability of wind-up legs when running. FROHIKE: "Thelma", after the extensive surgery. Well, it explains the height! SCULLY: "Daphne". I mean, who else? "Dana" is just to appease the Fascists, man! SPENDER: Okay, so he's not a dog like Scooby-Doo, but even Dana/Daphne knows that he'll tire of chasing the car after two or three blocks. Scooby-Doo was only metaphorical anyway. Didn't you *know* that? 17. "John Brown, ask me again and I'll knock you down..." Oh lord, I haven't been this embarrassed for David Duchovny since that shar-pei crying jag he had in "The Field Where I Died"... 18. "I was expecting your left." Well, frankly, I was expecting a bee. 19. REJECTED DIALOGUE: Scully: Did you...just feel as if a formally dressed 1939 version of myself passed through you? Frohike: No, but I'd give it a shot! Scully: Must've just been me... 20. 2 out of 3 eras agree! Spender is a weasel! The Truth Will Blow Over, So to Speak. ----------------------------- |