| Don't Drink the Slightly Mundane By Amanda Finch [email protected] "No, it's not very smart, is it?" CATEGORY: VH (list/parody) OFFICIAL LEGAL DISCLAIMER: If reader is prone to liquid/ substance propulsion from any orifice during the consumption of humor, author's lawyer suggests having orifices sewn shut as to not damage computer equipment. In other words, if the reader spits, we must acquit. Now that I've said that, it probably won't be funny. <g> --------------------------------- 1. REJECTED DIALOGUE: Dales: "Why did you bring her here?" Scully: "Say it, Mulder." Mulder (mumbles): "She makes me a whole person, sir." 2. Obviously, the Mulder of the last two seasons has learned to stop and enjoy the finer things in life, like fart jokes. 3. Remember when there had to be some scientific slant to negate Mulder's recent crazy theory, and not just Scully saying the equivalent of "Uh-uh! Doesn't exist!" and stomping her little foot? 4. Mulder and Scully haven't overcome their fear of housecats since "Teso dos Bichos", and David and Gillian haven't overcome their fear of John Shiban. 5. Why is that every family on the X-Files that bites it in the teaser was incredibly happy in life, as proven by many cheerful photographs? Just once, I want to see the father pictured with his third wife, who's only two years older than his eldest son, the second one from the right in the dress. 6. "Don't all the nuts roll down to Florida." No, they don't stop until they get to Cuba. 7. I knew Deputy Greer was a goner the minute I heard his car number. 8. "Who says there's never a cop when you need one?" Not the hydrasquid ocean mutant, that's for sure. 9. The line "Forrest Gump" was actually "Sherlock's patrol car" in the closed- captioning. Oh, David, *behave*. 10. I haven't seen this much "time passed" since Pulp Fiction. 11. Yo Quiero Que?: I guess the only people who remain behind in a storm are the outrageous cultural stereotypes, i.e. Walter Suarez and Angela Villareal. Everytime those two started talking, I suspected a tiny Chihauhau was going to wander in and demand that everyone "drop the Chalupa." What? No crazy ship captain with an eyepatch and a peg leg? 12. I wanted the looter guy to be the first one with a hydrasquid necklace. 13. To clue you in on how scarred I've been by this season so far, I actually feared that the staredown between Mulder and the Shipley's cat Reggie was a soul-swap of some kind. Actual dialogue during scene: "Noooo!" 14. I think the real X-File here is that Angela Villareal gave birth to an infant made of hard plastic who was crying with its mouth closed. (If you're wondering where the budget for that went, watch next Sunday.) 15. REJECTED DIALOGUE: "One Son" Vengeance is Hers Mulder: "Scully, let me in! I'm dying out here!" Scully (rolls eyes): "It's going to take more than *that* to convince me." 16. For the first-time in X-Files history, Mulder has a hickey. Well, several of them, and they're from a hydrasquid that obviously didn't find him an acceptable host. 17. Forgive me, but..."I saved my partner/ But I could not save the deputy..." 18. Okay, so the moral of this story is...appreciate your partner? I was thinking something more along the lines of "Don't buy a Condominium in Florida." ------------------------------------------ The Truth Will Get You By the Nugs. Relax, I'm not a member of the Manson Family. ------------------------------------------ |