| Slightly Mundane -- The Novel By Amanda Finch [email protected] "I imagined it." CATEGORY: VH (list/parody) x I found myself in a vast, hostile wasteland of sensory deprivation. The Slightly Mundane could not be touched by me. No one could tame it as it snarkily eluded the narrator, ducking behind hasty human cues and the forced laughter of gods and its wild, flashing eyes regarded me from -- Okay, okay - my TV/ VCR didn't work. Damn! It's hard to be that pretentious! Thanks to Jo for making me a tape of "Trevor" (which I'm still dissecting as we speak) and to Rachel for the over-the-phone technical support on the television set. x 1. Well, if the teaser is any analogy, we know how the sixth season writers feel. 2. I'm sorry, but the expression on Padgett's face in the elevator was a glaring neon sign for TAKE THE STAIRS. 3. By far, the grossest moment of the entire episode came when Mulder got a big gulp of coffee right after brushing his teeth. Quite possibly the worst taste combination in the world. Did he spit the toothpaste out? The implications are too repulsive. 4. A face you can trust? I wouldn't trust that face with *lawn care.* 5. The guy only thought she was thinking all of those things. Her inner dialogue was more like: What in the hell is this? A burning heart? Speaking of heartburn, I shouldn't have eaten that roast beef hoagie at lunch. Feels like my chest is going to explode. Where the hell is Mulder? I have to call mom today or she's going to bring down the wrath of God...Damn! Paper cut! 6. Either the FBI Forensics office is just really bored, or Dana has one of those portable DNA tests in her purse. 7. Once someone unsolicitedly comments on the tautness of your calves, slap the cuffs on them or send them the Hallmark restraining order, okay? 8. REJECTED DIALOGUE: Scully: "How do you know all this?" Padgett: "I have all five Cinefantastique episode guides." 9. Hey, what's the point of being a federal employee if you can't commit federal crime and mail fraud? 10. I guess the entrance criteria isn't all that strict at Mulder's apartment complex. Moody miscreants, c'mon down! 11. "Mr. Popularity," muttered the man with the phone sex affinity. I heard Chantal garnishees his wages. 12. "I live in my head." Postal service has real fun with that, I'm sure. 13. REJECTED DIALOGUE: Scully (to Padgett): "Sorry, I was just having a total lapse in judgement and thought I'd stop by." 14. Okay, moved into Mulder's building just to be close to her, is writing a book about her, is stalking her. An assassination attempt on the president can't be far behind. 15. One good thing about Mulder discovering Scully having a schmoopy, General Foods Coffee moment with a pulmonary fetishist: No more dog ladies/vampire chicks jokes. 16. "What's my motivation?" Damned whiny literary characters! 17. You ever notice how these organ fetishists aren't just nuts about the pancreas or the colon? What's up with that? 18. Mulder ponders how he's going to word Padgett's intentions to Scully and still comes up with "Naked Pretzel"? 19. What is it about Scully and men who hang out around incinerators? 20. Nobody saw it, but the Brazilian psychic surgeon had a small styrofoam cooler with dry ice in it. He gets $500 on the black market for each one of those suckers. 21. REJECTED DIALOGUE: Padgett: "I made a mistake myself." Mulder: "What's that, Mr. Padgett?" Padgett: "In my book I'd written that Agent Scully falls in love, but that's obviously impossible since this is The X-Files." 22. I'm not sure about Mulder and Scully, but the two characters who look a lot like them on the show now would make a lovely couple. 23. At least no one asked to talk to the damn writer and danced to a Cher song at the end. Next Week: Duchovny at the plate, same bat time, same bat channel. ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ ---------------------------------------- April 1999 |