CLASSIFICATION: Humor Vignette, List
RATING: PG-13
SPOILERS: for Humbug, Ascension/Duane Barry/One Breath, 3
DISCLAIMER: If they were mine, would I be sitting here?
KEYWORD: Humor
ARCHIVE: Yes. If you're putting this on your personal site, email me the
URL. Please!
SUMMARY: Various observations, slightly mundane X-Files, and snide
remarks

---------------------------------
Skinner's "Thank You For Not Smoking" desk plaque use to read "People
are the reason we're here!"
*
When the Washington, D.C. rental car agencies see Mulder approaching,
they have a special hand signal that means "randomly dented and
blood-stained blue Ford Taurus, please." This hand signal looks
unusually similar to the universal symbol for "handjob".
*
It's hard to be nonchalant when you're scanning some psycho's implant at
the grocery store and de-programming cash registers. (Duane Barry)
*
Riding gagged in trunk really puts things in perspective, and so does
shagging vampire chicks...but who do you think had the best time?
*
Mulder can drive into the path of a speeding semi without hearing the
word "Cerulean". (Ascension)
*
Mountain trolley rides just aren't what they used to be. (Ascension)
*
Mulder wears his special red Speed-O and the only one who gets to see
him in it is Krycek. Figures.
*
Telling Mulder not to do something is like talking to a bowl of pudding.
*
Yeah, Krycek...make sure your hair still looks cool after you knock out
the trolley guard. Stupid ass haircut!
*
Some slacks just weren't intended for climbing.
*
Mulder felt he was being targeted when the FBI's seminar of the month
was "How NOT to interrogate your suspects: the real reason why
strangulation is a bad idea."
*
Always look at your agents out the corner of your eye when you're
reprimanding them; that and the glare off your glasses really freaks 'em
out. It helps if you have an entourage.
*
At nights the Cancerman puts on a black fright wig and a bandana. Voila!
Keith Richards!
*
Agent Kasdan's coffee order was nothing compared to the complex chili
dog orders that the Consortium made Krycek pick up. (Duane Barry)
*
Senator Matheson was never re-elected. Huge surprise. He lives well on
his retirement benefits and tells the grandkids that the sniper sitting
on the hill is a security guard.
*
The Consortium's original slogan was "We didn't do it!" There was just
something more professional-sounding about "Deny everything."
*
"There's a lot of blood on this document Agent Mulder, said AD Skinner.
Agent Mulder's paperwork is never dull - pretty disgusting sometimes -
but never dull.
*
If Krycek smoked, he might've gotten away with the whole thing.
(Ascension)
*
REJECTED DIALOGUE - SKINNER: "I'm re-opening the X-Files - that's what
they fear the most. That, and hairy spiders, but mostly the re-opening of
the X-Files."
*
After Dana Scully shot the snake with her BB gun, Bill Scully, Jr.
chased her around with it for weeks! Weeks! (One Breath)
*
There's a reason that the "Headstones-While-You-Wait" business never
really took off. (One Breath)
*
Freaking out and attacking doctors in hospitals has gotten Mulder three
separate free tours of a padded room.
*
If Mulder had put different letters in masking tape on his window, would
he have gotten different informants? Better ones?
*
Mulder hangs out with the Lone Gunmen because they make him feel like a
social butterfly.
*
The Celestial Dinghy Company - for those days when you just want to
Linger in Limbo.
*
That pesky Carla Owens was always sneaking out of the psychiatric ward,
stealing scrubs from the nurse's station, and whispering at the comatose
ICU patients. (One Breath)
*
REJECTED DIALOGUE - X: "Your partner's currently wearing more masking
tape that your living room window!" (One Breath)
*
REJECTED DIALOGUE - MULDER: "Spread 'em, dickwad! I mean...dorkweed!
I mean...just get against the wall asshole!"
*
REJECTED DIALOGUE - CANCERMAN: "If you're having trouble sitting on
Mulder, I'd like to give it a go."
*
"Alright, we got another coma thing happening down there...Ghosts! Dead
relatives! Dead informants! Assemble!"
*
REJECTED DIALOGUE - CANCERMAN: "Don't threaten me, Mulder. I've watched
the Barney marathon on public television and I'm not afraid to die."
*
Mulder's signature on his resignation letter led to the Bureau
requesting he give them a urine sample and walk a straight line on the
highway while touching his nose.
*
REJECTED MONOLOGUE - SKINNER: "When I was 18, all I wanted was to dance
and be free, but one day I tripped over the strings of my pointe shoes,
bashed my head on the studio floor and woke up in my mother's clothes
two weeks later. I'm afraid to look any further into that incident.
You...you are not. Your resignation is unacceptable, and poorly
written."
*
Mulder's mother never taught him how to pick out a meaningful gift for
friends who were back from the dead. (One Breath)
*
Bet it was fun cleaning out that pool filter, huh? (Humbug)

--------------------------------------------

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