| The Red, the Black and the
Slightly Mundane By Amanda Finch [email protected] RATING:
PG-13 ------------------------------- 1. REJECTED DIALOGUE - SCULLY: "No! Uh-uh! You get to sit in the extra swivel chair! Only believers get their own desks in *this* office!" 2. Aliens in Spaceship: "Can't we hover down for some fresh beef without these loons staring at us like we're freaks? Call Intergalactic Law! We have grounds for a harassment suit! We should zap them just for grins!" 3. Where is Cassandra Spender? Dionne Warwick knows... 4. The Faceless Pyro Guys: After Jimmy and Spike, lighter salesmen for concert venues, ate some bad 'shrooms and caught on fire at a Cannibal Corpse show, it was hard to find work...but the government made them an offer they could've only refused if they were capable of speech. 5. No one was sure how Charlie got the job inside the Pentagon as a pathology assistant, seeing as how his major was Freshman Girls, but they had thought his Pennzoil-in-the-Visine gag was hysterical, and the place needed to lighten up, so... 6. Skinner on the phone after Mulder and Scully leave: "I didn't authorize the brain swap! Did you? I want to know who authorized this! No! *You* pucker up and kiss *my* ass! MY ass! That's my line!...oh yeah? Well that's why I owe your sister $50! Eat me, Reno!" <hangs up> 7. REJECTED DIALOGUE - SCULLY: <in Dr. Werber's office> "Ohmigod! Ohmigod! Ohmigod!" <Ahem><Embarassed> "Someone left their kielbasa in this chair!" (A shocking poll taken at this moment showed that 59% of the male viewing audience had to leave the room and miss the next 6-10 minutes of the show. The remaining 41% were either (1) gay, (2) deaf, or (3) already alone and didn't need to move into an adjacent room.) 8. Oh Science! : While Scully was screaming God's name and panting, an implant in Mulder's medula oblongata processed his thought waves as he watched Scully, concerned. Those thoughtwaves were put into binary notation, sent to a Pentagon satellite, and received via transmission by an unnamed Agent who tranlated the notation into an audio file that sounded strangely like this: "Bow bow chicka chicka bowbowbow chicka chicka bowbowbow..." 9. Scully always had this fear that if Mulder underwent hypnosis one more time, he'd recall his own abduction experience and - when it got to the part where aliens probed his nether regions - smile *really* big. 10. REJECTED DIALOGUE - KRYCEK and MULDER: KRYCEK: "You're losing it Mulder! I can beat you with one hand!" MULDER: "Isn't that the way you like to beat yourself?" (...oh wait, they used that one, didn't they? There were, however, several different versions of this scene as proposed by other staff writers and the fans.) (A shocking survey taken at this point revealed in the males watching an overwhelming tendency to say "shove your stinking survey" and not the overwhelmingly gay response we had anticipated.) JOHN SHIBAN. See above. Shiban's request for rotting livestock in this scene to provide "a startling social metaphor" was turned down as were ensuing repeated requests to insert a character named "Headless Harvey". A character named "Quiet Willy" was used so Shiban would shut up. VINCE GILLIGAN. KRYCEK: "You're losing it Mulder! I can beat you with one hand." MULDER: "Isn't Sam Shepherd's kid looking for you?" <hits Krycek in the face, gets up, and kicks Krycek's unconscious form repeatedly> DARIN MORGAN. Don't kid yourself. SLASH FIC. KRYCEK: "You're losing it, Mulder! I can beat you with one hand!" MULDER: "You never needed that other hand anyway." KRYCEK: "You *do* remember." MULDER: <sniffing> "Is that...blonde I smell?" KRYCEK: "She meant nothing to me!" RATNIKS FIC. KRYCEK kicks Mulder's ass and says coolly, "That's for saying I had a stupid ass haircut, punk." <spits> IF MULDER AND KRYCEK WERE PLAYED BY AL PACINO AND JOE PESCI, RESPECTIVELY. KRYCEK: "Hey, hey! Look who can be bitch-kicked with one arm!" MULDER: "I thought I smelled shit, you asshole. Get offa me!" KRYCEK: "Aw, c'mon! I'm here ta help you! You know, I gotta little proposition to make!" MULDER: "So do I. If you drop the gun now, I'm not going to seriously impair your remaining four appendages." KRYCEK: "You can't let the damn arm thing go, can ya? A-ight! I'm gettin' up! I'm gettin' up!" IF THESE CHARACTERS WERE PORTRAYED BY THE CAST OF 'SEINFELD'. MULDER: So, I'm just walkin' around and some greasy guy pulls a gun on me...who ARE these peopl--" Right! I've just been informed that both this portion of The Slightly Mundane and this scene of the episode have been awarded the prestigious Graham Chapman statue for "getting too silly" and had to be stopped immediately... 11. Slice of Faux Reality: Frank Spotnitz (to the X-crew) "Quiet! We can't kill Marita yet! Cut the scene where she gets crushed under the wheels of three different trains and re-film. Carter wants to leave open the possibility that she and Krycek have a kid. I know, I know...I'm sorry. Just...watch the cut footage, and keep the faith, my brothers..." Since you, yes, YOU, decided to read this, I've decided you, yes, YOU ALREADY, deserve a bonus Mundaner. *12* (All the actors decide to make Primetime Emmy History by all being nominated for the same scene.) <Skinner's office> SKINNER: "Only your convictions about aliens made me keep these investigations alive and open. I feel" <mandatory sobbing> "betrayed, Agent Mulder. I feel like you back-up prom date the morning after!" MULDER: "Uhh...okay." <clears throat> "How do you think I feel? I'll never get another chance to ask John Roche if he was telling the truth about that last cloth heart! All because my head was stuck so far up my ass that I didn't even *realize* it was up there!" <sob> "I love you, Scully. You're all I've" <voice cracks> "got." SCULLY: "I love you, too, Muld - wait! The script said he was going to cry like he did in 'One Breath', not like he did in 'The Field Where I Died'!" <crying for real> "We're all gonna be cancelled!" MULDER: <perks up> "If we're cancelled, we don't have to buy out our contracts for seasons six through fifteen!" SCULLY: "Shut up!" <remembers she has lines> "I saw men! Men without faces! Did they take my daughter? They were burning people alive!" MULDER: <shudders> "I...hate fire." <sobs> SCULLY: "Don't co-opt my Emmy entry!" SPENDER: <walks in, wiping tears and mucus away> "My mother was a big freak! She made me look like a big freak! Look at this video! Now everyone knows! And now she's GONE! Gone like my father! I am all alone! Alone in this vast, dark world, clawing for a tentative hold on sanity!" MULDER: <whispering to Scully> "Didn't they fire the voiceover writer?" SCULLY: <whispering back> "Yeah, but I thought they fired Shiban, too..." KRYCEK: <busting in - shouts in Russian while everyone looks clueless> "Ohh, sorry..." <leaves the room and re-enters> "Well" <sob> "my arm's off!" <sob> "I'll never be able to dance lead or do karate or please a woman in three different erogenous zones!" MARITA: <behind him> "Oh, like you could before? Riiiight..." KRYCEK: "You didn't HAVE erogenous zones, just...erroneous zones!" <starts to bite fist of missing arm, realizes it's gone, and gives an anguished cry before biting the other fist> "You're alive darling! But...ewww! Your eyes are all gross!" MARITA: <hurt> "Well, you've only got one arm! How does it feel to be asymmetrical, Skippy?" KRYCEK: <cries louder> MARITA: "I'd make an obvious 'spanking monkeys' joke here but...I'm hosting an alien entity that looks like" <sob> <sob> <sob> "Goat diahrrea!" ALL: <unison> "Ewww! A Shiban joke!" KRYCEK: <gagging, sobbingly moves to other side of the room> WELL-MANICURED MAN: <entering> "You selfish whippersnappers! You want some cheese with that whine? Why, Alex, when I was your age, I'd already lost my left leg, half of my face, and both my arms...we used muskets for assasinations back then and sometimes they exploded and...but that's not my point! The point is, I'm 91% prostethics and biological implants!" MULDER: "That's not possible!" SCULLY: <under her breath> "At least Mulder's inconsistencies are consistent..." MULDER: "Shut up!" SCULLY: "You shut up!" WELL-MANICURED MAN: "Don't interrupt my monologue! I'm alone! I'm bitter! I never stopped to smell the mysterious ginseng crops, or to tell those I'm in league with" <puts hand on Skinner's shoulder> "that I love them." SKINNER: "Shhhh!!! That's not until *next* season." WELL-MANICURED MAN: "Ooops. My bad." QUIET WILLY: PENDRELL: <busting in> "I'm dead! Top that!" ALL: <pause to ponder> SCULLY: "He's got a good point..." PENDRELL: "You, uh...you really think so, Agent Scully?" SKINNER: "Well, I'm gay!" SCULLY: "DAMN!" KRYCEK: "YES! I mean, NO! I mean, you don't say!" PENDRELL: <sighing> "He wins. 'I'm dead'? What a doof." <J. Edgar Hoover building explodes>
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