"Ga-aame."

CATEGORY: VH (list/parody)
SPOILERS: "Two Fathers" and the whole kooky Mytharc shabazz.
DISCLAIMER: If they were mine, they'd be bitter and sarcastic. Oh.
SUMMARY: It's all led up to this?!
ARCHIVE: Yes, with pertinent yadda attached.

A shout-out to my two not-mundane-at-all laugh-checkin' homegirls, Paula and L.A.

I feel I must explain my four-episode absence. I was abducted by a staggering sense of apathy that really just turned out to be some bored doctors who found I had no significant contributions to make to science. All I remember is bright light and wearing an "I love me" jacket for a few days. Oh, and if you find my ovum, call me okay?

Now, back to that mundane makin' jagoff shoeshine tip...

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1. No tagline change? Not even some esoteric/jive translation of "X-Files got game"?

2. The X-Files ratings sailed through the roof, mostly because people saw the title "Two Fathers", and instantly thought it was an episode of Jerry Springer. Note to Fox: Calling it "Full *Frontal* Disclosure" would've driven your ratings all the the way to the T-O-P.

3. REJECTED DIALOGUE: Spender: "Well, dream of a lusty stud and then he appears!"

4. VOICEOVER: "We've replaced Cassandra Spender's usual blood with avocado dip. Let's see if she can tell the difference."

5. NOTORIOUS F.O.X.: He can speak jive better than Florence Henderson. And while he hasn't proven that white men can jump, Mulder has shown that they can cheat effectively. Also, who else saw that "Put on a show for the homegirl" gleam in his eye the minute Scully walked in?

6. If they could fix Cassandra's legs so well, you'd think they could get Krycek a better arm.

7. COINCIDENCE?: "I'm dying for a cigarette." The last time we heard these words, boys and girls, they were being spoken by a man who, in a fit of supernatural pyromanical glee, had accidentally set himself on fire, much like our Faceless Alien Rebels Jubilee.

8. REJECTED DIALOGUE: Scully: "Why couldn't you tell Jeffrey?" Cassandra: "Helloo? Because he's a moron?"

9. Canny one-armed audio-visual manipulation, nagging the whiny amorality of his superiors, chauffeuring the Syndicate kids to and from their assignments, always ready to lend a hand with the stiletto or be there for someone's "first time." Alex Krycek: Soccer Mom of the Consortium.

10. New X-Files spin-off game: Pimp-slap the Weasel.

11. REJECTED DIALOGUE: Spender: "What is it?" CSM: "It's a Monte Blanc pen." Spender: "Well, then what's this button...? AIEEE! My eye!" (A girl can dream.)

12. REJECTED DIALOGUE: Krycek: "You could put a nad out with one of those things...well, *you* couldn't, but most men, anyway."

13. REJECTED DIALOGUE: Krycek: "Oh, relax. It's just avocado dip. Here, have a Tostito."

14. Never send a weasel to do a rat's job.

15. REJECTED DIALOGUE: A Half-Caf Faceless Alien Rebel Latte. Mulder: "Men who've conducted medical experiments in what began as a secret government project but what is now the most private global enterprise: Starbucks."

16. REJECTED DIALOGUE Krycek: "Your mother's been the subject of an experiment for 25 years..." Spender: "My father's involved in that?" Krycek: "Not the sharpest stiletto in the Syndicate arsenal, are ya?"

17. In my heart of hearts, I really hoped CSM was taping his Barbara Walters interview.

18. Did anyone else want Mulder to try the old face-rip with Cassandra?

19. Okay, is the Faceless Alien Rebel face putty on the same shelf with the caulking guns? And does Pepcid make those Anti-Alien Blood Fumes tablets in a chewable?

See ya next week for the other half of "Full Disclosure." Is the disclosure half-full, or half-empty?

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The Truth is Always Out There During February Sweeps.

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