"Mulder, this stinks!"

CATEGORY: VH (list/parody)
RATING: PG-13
SPOILERS: "Two Fathers", "One Son" and the rest of the bland, Mytharc-flavored chili. DISCLAIMER: Oh, write it yourself!
SUMMARY: Took "One Son", threw it in a blender...it looks tasty, but don't drink it. ARCHIVE: Yes. Various yadda intact.

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1. Does someone want to tell me how a son could have two fathers without one of them being "Mrs. Daddy"?

2. REJECTED DIALOGUE: In the showers Mulder: "Of all the times when I could've had a co-ed shower in my life, it has to be at one of those low points..." Scully: "My face is up *here*, Mulder."

3. REJECTED DIALOGUE: Fort Marlene Mulder: "There must be some mistake...I asked for the aromatherapy treatment." CDC: "Get this man an enema!" Mulder: "I'll be quiet."

4. REJECTED DIALOGUE Mulder: "Look at my hair! I cannot be quarantined with dry, flyaway hair!"

5. "I'm going to have to apologize to your neighbors as well..." Let's get this right: I play basketball in my backyard at 2 A.M., and forget to mow my lawn one week, and I get my next door complaining to the landlord *that quick*, but Mulder can be a bullet-magnet, who has fights outside the building, is indirectly responsible for doping a few of the tenants, drags a BODY through the hall one day after shooting it in the face *and* brings down the wrath of the CDC and STILL has good ol' Apt. 42 for a home? Does anyone know if they have any vacancies?

6. REJECTED DIALOGUE Fowley: "She's patient zero!" Scully: "You're bitch number one!"

7. "I think she's the one, Scully." Last week, he would've said she was "all that."

8. REJECTED DIALOGUE Syndicate Guy: "Bill Mulder was against this! He said it would be our tragic mistake!" CSM: "Well why don't you dig up the bastard and see if he cares."

9. REJECTED DIALOGUE: Mulder in the Adam Ant Pants Mulder: "Ma'am, these shoes are two sizes too small....I was wondering if I could get a pair that *fit* maybe?...and I'm not *even* going to discuss these leather chaps and buttless J.Crew underwear..."

10. I didn't realize how much I hated Fowley until it occurred to me how much I *didn't* hate Marita.

11. MARITA: Woman in serious need of Visine? Or Marilyn Manson with a blonde rinse?

12. Melvin Frohike, Don Henley wants his ponytail back right now!

13. I guess women who have had sex with Mulder are immune from any paranoia and can pull off extreme fits of subterfuge and betrayal. Are you hearing this, Scully?

14. So Fowley has a chest of drawers explicitly for underwear...now I KNOW she's one of *them*.

15. "Lingerie fetish." How in the hell did CSM see Mulder going through Fowley's stuff when he wasn't in the apartment yet? Of course, this *is* Mulder and it's safe to assume, but this is Fowley's lingerie we're talking about here.

16. REJECTED DIALOGUE: Under the Gun CSM: "I remember looking over a gun barrel at you once before, Agent Mulder. You couldn't pull the trigger then...what makes you think you can do it now? D'OH!"

17. Acting!: That face Mulder made at the CSM as he walked away just said "flatulence" to me. Bad, Bill Davis, bad!

18. I would rather see Frohike, butt-naked, doing the nasty with the Flukeman in a kiddie pool full of alien avocado goo than ever, EVER see Fowley kissing Mulder again!

19. "Not the face!": Couldn't these faceless alien rebels get better adhesive for their face putty? If I never see another face ripped off again, I can die a happy woman.

20. Shooting at a train? What happened to third season Mulder who was willing to jump *on top* of the train and be on it when it detonated?

21. I had mixed feelings about the Syndicate burning until I saw that a couple of them had more than one item of carry-on luggage. Burn, suckers, burn!

22. REJECTED DIALOGUE: Do that Liquid Nitro Shuffle Krycek: "How DARE someone betray these bastards before *I* do?!"

23. REJECTED DIALOGUE: Krycek: "Hey, don't I know you from somewhere? Yeah, yeah, we were at that mass burning in Russia. I was working for that crazy bald Russian guy, and you were that Special Representive person who put her tongue in my mouth, and I took that boy who had all his orifices sewn up...Dmitri! Yeah, that was him...man, those were good times!"

24. Dammit! The two people I most wanted to see set ablaze in Francis Ford Coppola fashion in a 6 minute montage with loud choral music get a ride in the getaway car!

25. Imagine the Consortium's dismay when they realized that the "Syndicate Roast" they'd been invited to had nothing to do with bottomless martinis, an expansive buffet or Dean Martin.

26. Next week: "Ice" melts!

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The Truth is in Fowley's Lingerie Drawer...Any Volunteers?

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