"I see your renowned sarcasm has been left quite intact."

CATEGORY: HV (list/parody)
RATING: PG SPOILERS: "The Beginning"
DISCLAIMER: If those lawyers you keep on retainer, Mr. Carter, don't laugh, you can sue me. But on my island, we barter in sunflower seeds.
SUMMARY: Take "The Beginning." Add smartass. Shake thoroughly. Drink until inebriated.
ARCHIVE: Yes. With name, e-mail addie and various yadda quite intact.

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1. The penalty for stealing office supplies from ROUSH industries leaves you feeling all empty inside.

2. The X-Files have now been shut down so many times that there's an FBI committee just for that purpose, and obviously, they're the hand up the sock puppet we know as Spender. (You just *knew* there was something up his ass.)

3. The poster in Fox Mulder's former office now reads: "Everything I Need to Know I Learned From My Hamster."

4. Maybe It's the Office: Agents Spender and Fowley also experience those inner longings associated with UST (Unresolved Stomach Turning).

5. The Homer Connection: With *this* kind of talent at the controls of our nuclear power plants, it won't be long before we're all yellow, with no chins.

6. Scully just snickers as she watches Mulder manually piece together his incinerated files, wondering when she should tell him they're all scanned to her zip drive.

7. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Spender: If you don't get out of here *right* now, I'm gonna tell!
Mulder: Someone check Spender's pants; I think he's wet.
Spender: Daaad!!

8. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Mulder: We'll use Gibson to find the alien!
Scully: He's sick, Mulder! He needs to go to the hospital!
Mulder: No one gets laid until we find this alien!
Scully: <pause> Gibson! Sic 'em!

9. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Fowley: Remember when you and I first met? You were at that airport bar with your girlfriend, and my boyfriend and I were swinging with you guys at our apartment and --
Mulder: You must be thinking of someone else.

10. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Mulder: <sticking fingers in alien goo> Is there any way I can get this off my fingers quickly without making a corny in-joke to a first-season episode?

11. REJECTED DIALOGUE:
Fowley: Ewww! It's a piece of latex rubber, covered in Karo syrup!
Mulder: You are *so* new at this.

12. In the X-Files universe, hospital personnel don't pay a bit of attention to you unless you go full-tilt bozo and start cussing.

13. REJECTED DIALOGUE: CSM:
You can kill a man, but you can't kill what he stands for. Not unless you first break his spirit...and take away his porn collection.

14. Things Get all Squiggly: And then there was that last great scene where Fowley gets pissed-off at Spender and shoots him, but the bullet -- after causing him massive internal bleeding -- ricochets off the metal plate in his head, killing Fowley and, mysteriously, any writers hired during the fifth season. This leaves the CSM to go down to the next illegitimate child on his list and get them a job in the Bureau and then...and then Amanda wakes up.

The Truth Will Bite You in the Ass!

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