Ball and Chain (continued)

One day my friend "Brianne" (this is a pseudonym, but the "old-timers" at Triangle [or old-timers who left Triangle] will probably remember who this is) also an ICoC member, called and left a message on my answering machine. She sounded awful! She said "something weird is going on and I really need to talk to you. Please call." So I called, and learned that her husband, a long-time church member, had been sexually abusing their three daughters and her two daughters from a previous marriage.

To make a long story short: she kicked her husband out of the house and filed for divorce. At her invitation, I moved in with her and her girls. I rented a small (7x7) bedroom from her for $200 a month. I'd gradually given away all the furniture I had when I arrived at Triangle; by the time I made it to Brianne's household, I owned no furniture at all. In order to have a bed, I had to borrow a futon from a single sister who'd gotten married. But I wasn't upset about it - after all, Jesus had no place to lay his head, right?

Though I wasn't with the church at the time, I was glad Brianne trusted me and was willing to have me stay in her house. The arrangement benefited us both: for me, my finances and being there for her emotionally were my big concerns; she was grateful for the financial and emotional support. Just previous to moving in with Brianne, I was renting a condo from Susan, a sister that had moved to Winston-Salem. Susan, a nurse, was trying to sell the condo and I would have had to vacate it shortly anyway. Susan has also since left the ICoC.

Fall 1992 was a weird time for me. Though I wasn't actually "in" the ICoC, it was all around me. I was a knowledgeable outsider looking in. Not long after I moved in with Brianne and her girls, I remember "visiting" the ICoC again one evening with my friend Audrey. I think it was for a holiday show that the group was putting on. Well, that was soooo awkward. I knew I was considered a "visitor" again, and as someone who'd lost her salvation. People were tentative with me, and I with them. I was unhappy with that state of affairs. I thought I'd made some good friends there, but it seemed that didn't "count" unless I was actually "one of them." So, emotionally, I then made a foolish decision: after talking with Brianne and several other of my friends "on the inside" over a period of weeks, I agreed that I would make an effort to be "restored." This was for the sake of "unity" (which is really "uniformity") in Brianne's household, which is very important to an ICoC member. As an ICoC member, you know that "divisiveness" is the worst sin there is and you avoid it at any cost.

So, I learned I was to be "restored" via the auspices of Melissa and Carol, staffer and womens singles leader, respectively. I liked them both, but I was also intimidated by Melissa's leadership position - I shouldn't have been, but after all this "great discipling," I was as weak as water. I had spent much of my time in the ICoC trying to avoid the attention of the high-up leaders. During the "restoration" process, my independence was pinpointed as a big problem. I met with Melissa and Carol 3 or 4 times, and eventually promised that I would improve -- "no more lone wolf." I was then baptized...again. Carol has left the ICoC since then, also.

I Tried To Not Worry and Be Happy

As life continued on, leadership made a lot of moves toward "sharpening up" ICoC-Triangle. Among others who came in from elsewhere, Kevin & Syntcha Darby moved to the Triangle area from the New York City ICoC. Though I doubt they knew it at the time, they were actually both a good (albeit temporary) influence on my "mental health" while I was in the ICoC, for a couple of reasons.

Kevin took charge of - well, really *began* for all practical purposes - a musical ministry and and I was given the opportunity to do some singing with a group he put together. I also occasionally "part-sang" at Sunday services. (Four mikes would be set up on the platform and one soprano, one alto, one tenor, and one bass would sing amplified parts for the congregation to follow. I was an alto.) This "musical" period is one of the happiest memories I have of my involvement with the ICoC.

When "Songs of the Kingdom" came out, I was happy to see that several "older" hymns and songs which I had loved in my pre-ICoC days had been included. Our musical horizons as a group were broadened and for a time, I felt blessed and happy to be doing at least one thing I really loved.

Since childhood, I'd had a recurring nightmare which had suddenly increased in both frequency and intensity. Syntcha, whom I believe is a licensed therapist, gave me some assistance with that. She also gave advice (which was OK because #1, she was a professional, and #2, I asked her for it) on issues concerning Brianne and her children.

(There are so often people in bad systems who still find it in their hearts to do good. But that good done by a few in isolated pockets in a system can't compensate for the damage done if the system itself is fundamentally flawed. So many people have spoken of and documented their efforts to "change the ICoC from the inside," and all their efforts make no difference whatsoever. Those currently in power are not willing to give up that power to serve a greater good.

The Proverbial "Last Straw"...

In this situation, the external pressure to attend all the services really took its toll. Loretta (Brianne's discipler) suggested that her husband, Tim, could watch the kids while Brianne went to services, but Brianne's conviction was that sick kids need their mother, not a stranger. Loretta gave Brianne a hard time about it and this perceived "disunity" only added to Brianne's stress level throughout the winter. Though Brianne made the difficult effort to be "submissive" to Loretta's discipling, Brianne never felt that Loretta cared about her, listened to what she was really saying, or had Brianne's family's best interests at heart. It was always the ICoC that came first, no matter what.

Personally, I didn't believe that under the circumstances God would be angry if Brianne missed a few activities (I knew that I didn't owe Brianne and her children anything, but I did a lot of babysitting to give her some much-needed breaks).

The thing is, nobody in the ICoC seemed to trust Brianne (or me, for that matter) to use good judgment and do the right thing on our own. Nobody was willing to simply say, "do the best you can with the situation you're in - I'll be there for you." Everyone continued to be hammered on to be "out there crankin' the 'Kingdom'." When Brianne's kids were recovering and/or well, almost no one volunteered to baby-sit so that Brianne could get a break. Hardly anyone said, "What can I do to help?" They didn't know that, at Brianne's request, I brought wine and matzo home with me from the service so that Brianne could partake of the Lord's Supper. They didn't know that Brianne and I would emerge extra-early from our respective bedrooms on weekday mornings, meet in the kitchen to pour ourselves big cups of coffee, and then go out into the yard to pray, sitting under a big tree.

Staying with Brianne for that 1-1/2 years was a real eye-opener for me. I came to understand that getting income-generating people in the ICoC doors was more important than helping someone like Brianne, who was really in need. As long as there was a warm body in a seat for the "stats" and a check every week for the contribution, that's all that seemed to matter.

I should also mention that Brianne was subjected to what I now know is called a "breaking session" in her own home one night. She'd committed a couple sins that were considered "big," and she was to be raked over the coals for it. I begged Brianne not to submit to such a thing, but she was so guilt-ridden, she felt she deserved this abuse.

Those who were responsible for "breaking" her didn't have a clue about what was going on in Brianne's head. They just believed what they wanted to believe. They viewed Brianne as rebellious and independent, whereas if they'd actually taken the time to just listen - I mean really LISTEN - to her, they might have known how terribly disoriented and confused she was feeling about her life at that particular time. I knew that Brianne was under incredible amounts of stress because night after night, after night, I sat in a chair having many cups of coffee, listening to Brianne talk about what was going on in her life - troubles which, I believe, would put an ordinary person into an early grave. Thank God Brianne is a "survivor."

Another contributing factor was Brianne's friend Suzanne. Suzanne had cystic fibrosis, but had managed to live into her 20's and get married. Suzanne, her parents, and her husband were all members of the ICoC, but Suzanne seemed always to be on the fringes of the group and she eventually left the ICoC (her husband left the ICoC after she died, but I don't remember about Suzanne's parents -- I'll have to ask Brianne). When Suzanne died, ICoC members insisted that Suzanne was in Hell because she "fell away" from the ICoC. ICoC members' efforts to pound this idea into Brianne's head left a deep scar on her spirit. To this day, Brianne still prominently displays a photograph of Suzanne in her living room, with her family photos.

For me, watching all this transpire was just adding more fuel to the fire.

As it ended up, Brianne and I left the ICoC on he same day: February 9, 1994. We'd talked so much about everything and anything that I'd gotten pretty good at picking up her vibes. Brianne came home from work that day, I was in the kitchen and stepped out to say "hi" and she gave me this "look." I looked at her wide-eyed and said, "what???" Well, by now you know what... Brianne had decided to leave the ICoC. I began to grin, and didn't quit grinning for quite a while after that. I could finally stop pretending for the sake of "unity" that I thought the ICOC was the answer to all the world's problems.

Actually, Brianne's pronouncement to me about leaving the ICoC was the first time we'd talked about the group in those specific terms in several months. We really didn't know what the other was thinking in regard to the ICoC at the time, but the way things turned out, I really think it was just serendipity.

My own relief-filled decision to break ties with the ICoC came about approximately 1/2 hour before a midweek service. I left an answering machine message for my discipler, Janice, a transplant from the New York City ICoC with whom I'd had a difficult, but improving relationship over a matter of months. I told her I would not be returning to the ICoC and that I did not want to be called or visited by anyone.

I know there must be those who think it cowardly that I didn't "say goodbye" face to face, but frankly, I had no desire to argue with people about why I was "leaving God," or "my desperate spiritual condition" (both of which are just a matter of opinion). I would have stubbornly disagreed with those types of arguments, and frankly, I didn't want to be intimidated or bullied the way I knew others had been. When someone leaves the ICoC, they are believed by members to have "rejected God," and you can't sway members away from this opinion. They have been very thoroughly indoctrinated to believe that all ICoC teachings and opinions constitute exactly "what the Bible says."

Anyway, I stated in the message that I would take legal action to restrain anyone who tried to call me or visit me. I got several "where were you tonight?" calls from people I knew hadn't yet learned of my decision, and then the calls stopped. To my surprise, no one from the church (I'm referring to people whose sole purpose was to try to bring me back into the fold) tried to contact me. Maybe they thought they were better off without me -- and that's fine. For me, the truth is that I knew I was better off without them. I went to visit my friend Audrey soon after I left, to try and explain why I felt the way I did and tell her that I still wanted to be friends. The visit was so strained, and she was so freaked out by my leaving, that we didn't speak again. One of the few regrets I have about how I handled my departure is using a "strong" tactic like legal action up-front before I actually knew what people were going to do. But to be honest, from my perspective, I felt I knew exactly what they were going to do: try to badger me back into the ICoC, as I had seen done many times with other people.

I know that I played a part in alienating a very few people who I still would have considered an important part of my life whether or not I ever returned to the ICoC. Audrey & Jeff, Barbara, Dawn, Claudine, Vicki & Darrell, I'm sorry. I hope there is some forgiveness in your hearts for me. Though I didn't handle the details very well, I had, and still have, no regrets about my actual decision to leave the ICoC.

Brianne, however, had some post-departure visits from ICoC members - who didn't hesitate to tell her she was going straight to hell and that she was taking her five children with her. One dear, older lady who had been a friend of Brianne's for a number of years, and had been kind to me, too, cried as she reminded Brianne that Hell awaited her if she left the ICoC. I feel so sorry for that dear lady, because though she is a kind, generous, caring person, she also chooses to live as a prisoner of the ICoC's deceptive and self-serving teachings.

And poor Glenna - she was an ICoC member who was temping in my company's accounts receivables department (I had a perm job working for the corporate engineering group - I worked on the same floor, next section over from A/R, and saw her frequently). On my first ICoC-free day in five years, she walked up to the office coffeepot and began chatting with me about this-and-that, ICoC-related thing, so I had to interrupt to tell her I'd left the ICoC. I gave her quite a shock that day, I guess -she quit that job shortly afterward. Maybe the leaders thought that my company would no longer be fertile ground.

I stayed in Durham for 6-1/2 more months. I had been living from paycheck to paycheck in the ICoC and had no money saved to leave the area. After leaving the ICoC, I had no reason or desire to stay in Durham - I still think it's an ugly town, and it never grew on me.

Brianne moved to Burlington, NC, and enrolled at a community college; when Brianne said she was moving, Patty, a friend who'd left the ICoC in 1993, found me a temporary place to stay with Marilyn, yet another past ICoC member. Marilyn was good to me and we spent a lot of time just having fun. I took some line dancing lessons - one of the fun things Marilyn and I did on a regular basis - and basically just did what I wanted. Got used to calling my own shots again, and man, it felt good.

So, finally, in September 1994, I cashed out a 401K I had through work (I'd become 100% vested that September) and used the money to move away from the Triangle area. Of course, I paid heavy taxes when I took that money out, but it was worth it. In a way, moving out of state was like waking up from a strange, freakish, five-year nightmare which had been my life in the ICoC.