LITTLE BAD BILL & THE BOTTOMLESS BATHROOM

(A tribute to Shel Silverstein)

In a small little town on the side of a hill
lived a small little boy called Little Bad Bill.
Scared of nothing was Bill, of whom the bards sing.
Scared of nothing was Bill... save one little thing.
Bill was afraid of the bathroom.

He could climb up tall trees 'til the branches all swayed.
He was fearless in water: right in he would wade.
He would pet wild dogs, though they snivered and snapped.
He'd run through the fields while thunderbolts clapped.
But Bill was afraid of the bathroom.

His parents did tell him, everytime he was near,
that the bathroom was safe; there was nothing to fear.
That there was no monster to pull him right in,
that it was so safe just to walk in and grin.
Still, Bill was afraid of the bathroom.

When someone would enter, he'd creep up outside,
then cower behind the bannister and hide.
And as they came out, he'd hear swooshes and gurgles
from the bathroom's interior, loud splooshes and splurgles.
Yes, Bill was afraid of the bathroom.

Finally, one day, though, Bill's curiousity rose,
so he snuck to the bathroom door perched on his toes
and reached for the doorknob with trembling hand,
and he PEEKED through that door, barely able to stand.
You see, Bill was STILL afraid of the bathroom.

Then he slipped through the crack, his eyes growing big,
and he let out a snort like an overfed pig.
Why, there was NO reason to be scared really so
of a sink and a tub and a porcelain bowl!

Then Bill did a jig on the old spotted rug
and then gave the green showercurtains a tug.
But beaming too brightly, almost enough to explode,
Bill slipped on some soap and fell in the commode.

And then, as expected, came the swooshes and gurgles,
soon followed by splooshes and splashy damp splurgles.
And now, my dear friends, well, I'm sorry to say,
Bill never returned, not from then 'til this day.

So you all should watch out 'til the end of your days.
Please don't forget Bill, nor let memory fade.
Just watch what you say, what you do, what you sing,
just keep one eye open and remember one thing:
Sometimes it's okay to be afraid of the bathroom.