A BRIEF HISTORY OF GROUNDHOGS A BRIEF HISTORY OF GROUNDHOGS
The groundhog's origins (and thus those of Groundhog Day itself) are hotly debated. Some scientists claim that Punxsutawney Phil popped his head out of organic muck at the world's creation, predicting at least six more weeks of crummy weather, and was chagrined to find himself off by about 26 million years (until stray lightning, a few jiggling protein strings, and the sound of thirty million slot machines hitting jackpot at the exact same time on the planet Qwabyjux started the life cycle moving).
An alternate mythos holds that Phil was present in the Garden of Eden. However, when Phil emerged from his hole for the very first time and saw Eve poised to chomp on the apple, he foresaw so much bad weather that he went back in and didn't bother trying again until after the Great Deluge had wiped the slate clean.
Phil's next appearance is shrouded in mystery, although it is generally accepted that the large rodent was in prime position to watch numerous empires -- Philista, Babylonia, Sumaria, Rome -- conquer the known world, then vanish into history's annals as, each in turn, they failed to heed Phil's advice and marched their troops headlong into harsh winter weather. Finally, after centuries of ceaseless stupidity by these supposed military visionaries, the infamous Hannibal succeeded in getting his elephants through blizzards and high mountain passes, proving once and for all that no silly groundhog could tell him what to do.
The ancient Romans venerated the groundhog, building temple after magnificent temple in honor of Phil and even claiming that he had suckled the founders of Rome (Romulus and Remus). However, thanks to various historical revisionists skilled in the art of stone carving, legend fabrication, and shameless fibbing, Roman mythology now espouses an entire pantheon of inadequate deities.
According to early groundhog gnostics, the three wise men visiting Jesus in his childhood gave the Messiah four gifts -- gold, frankencense, myrhh, and a pet groundhog -- knowing that, as the world's savior, Jesus would be in dire need of funds AND wise counsel. A supposedly missing Beatitude claims that, "Blessed are the groundhogs, for they are wise beyond standard human convention and right cute in the sight of God."
Groundhog gnostics also assert that the crowd of 5000 fed by Jesus were groundhogs and NOT people, which explains why they sprung for bread and fish and also why they were willing to eat from baskets rather than from standard dinnerware.
Lazarus, suffering from a borderline personality disorder, supposedly believed himself a groundhog of unearthly size. When Jesus called him forth, Lazarus failed to see his shadow and determined not to return to his tomb.
The groundhog sect even claims that Mary had a groundhog with her when she visited Jesus' tomb on Easter morning, whereupon the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid! Hey, Phil, what's up?"
Whether or not these gnostics are correct, groundhogs have played an important part in Church tradition.
It is rumored that Nero himself owned a groundhog. According to the rumor, Rome was burnt down accidentally, when Nero tried to force the reluctant groundhog to emerge in order to win a local pet show.
Contrary to the Warner Brothers cartoon that claims Bugs Bunny as Columbus' influential mascot, the reknown explorer carried with him a pet groundhog. It was this groundhog who convinced Columbus to go further west by predicting that winter would not last an extra six weeks. Unfortunately, the groundhog was wrong, and it DID snow for the next six weeks. After Columbus discovered the Americas anyway, he repaid the groundhog for its mistake by allowing it to serve as the first main course on the new land. (Years later, the Pilgrims could not find a traditional groundhog and ate a turkey instead, making history.)
Benjamin Franklin's first choice for official United States mascot was the groundhog. However, he suffered public ridicule until he changed his mind and voted for the turkey. (Note that he still lost, his position weakened by a strong underground faction.)
Bugs Bunny was precursored by a possible Warner mascot named "Gus Groundhog." However, when president Leon Schlossenger laughed hysterically at the joke, Chuck Jones and the rest of the staff decided that the entire project would be a total flop. When Schlossenger failed to laugh at the Bugs Bunny idea, Jones forged ahead and made history.
Schroedinger owned two pets -- a cat and a groundhog -- and the feline possessed a nasty disposition towards the rival pet. Schroedinger's deeper love for his groundhog apparently led him to suggest the "cat in a box" experiment, from which the cat never fully recovered. Oliver Stone has recently suggested that the cat was offed by a hitman hired by the groundhog, but official record still attests that quantum mechanics led to the cat's demise.
Einstein's haggard appearance has been blamed on his groundhog Doppler, who habitually nested in the scientist's hair while he slept. (This hairstyle is of course referred to as "The Doppler Effect".)
The first words JRR Tolkien penned about a peculiar incident in Middle Earth originally began with the phrase, "In a hole in the ground, there lived a groundhog." However, as groundhogs are not smokers, and because Tolkien enjoyed a good spot of tobacco at times and wanted to include pipesmoking in his stories, he invented the barely adequate race of hobbits.
The defeat of the Nazis in WWII can be attributed to the brave band of kamikazee groundhogs who gave their lives by masquerading as extras for a lemmings documentary, then strapped themselves with plastic explosive and stormed Hitler's bunker.
"Leave It to Beaver" was originally entitled "Leave It to Groundhog." However, beaver special-interest groups had a strong Hollywood lobby at the time, and the title was changed the day before shooting.
"Alvin and the Chipmunks" were conceived as "Alvin and the Groundhogs," but professionally trained groundhog singers were hard to find at that time. Additionally, the few suitable groundhogs refused to debase themselves to that level of animated mediocrity.
The infamous verse "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" was originally written as, "How much ground could a groundhog ground if a groundhog could ground hog?" However, as this made the groundhog out to be some sort of a land-grubbing mammal, the verse was changed to the more innocuous topic of woodchucking.
Note: Many other items concerning groundhogs are available but unable to fit into a handbook of this size. Please contact FURRY (Foundation of Ultra-Rad Rodent Youth) for supplimentary groundhog packets.
In any case, despite some unfortunate incidents, groundhogs have clawed their way from social oppression. Blessed by numerous sympathetic directors and screenwriters, for example, groundhogs enjoy watching various movie spinoffs including:
Groundhogs have also achieved genuine status in films such as Caddyshack and Groundhog Day (the latter of which is often considered a tearjerker, due to Phil's early demise). With movie merchandise making groundhogs a family favorite worldwide, it is no wonder that we celebrate them with this handbook.
