"This Is Your Captain Speaking . . ."

If you will kindly observe the following rules, it will be a hell of a lot easier and more comfortable for the crew...after all, whose airplane is this, anyway?!!

1. Keep your $#%!& feet off the seats.

2. Don't get snooty with the crew; remember, your pilot is still learning to fly and he is more scared than you.

3. If a fellow passenger gets anxious, knock him in the head with an empty whiskey bottle.

4. Keep your $#%!& feet off the seats.

5. Eyes forward at all times...you don't need to be looking around.

6. Leave each crew member a generous tip.

7. Don't ask embarassing questions of the crew, such as:

• Where are we?

• What time will we land?

• Who made that landing?

• Where's the can?

• What kind of plane is this?

• Where are we going, how fast, how high, etc.?

• How's the weather...is that a front up ahead?

  . . . Hell, they don't know, either!

8. If you don't like the food, the hell with you...the Boss likes it.

9. Keep your $#%!& feet off the seats.

10. Only six people at a time allowed in the can; please comply.

11. Save your gum after each landing for the next one. If it falls off your ear, don�t stick it under the seat.

12. Keep your $#%!& feet off the seats.

13. Don't ask stupid questions about delays. If we lose an engine, it's obvious that it will take an extra hour to get there; if we lose two engines, it will take even longer yet, and if we lose all the engines, we could be up here all day.

14. Be thankful if you arrive anywhere.

15. Always let the crew off first; after all, the damned thing might be on fire.

16. Don't bother the flight attendant...she's just along for the ride, too.

17. Keep quiet...and keep your $#%!& feet off the seats!

18. Don't be so inconsiderate as to ask for magazines, papers, playing cards, etc. before the crew has had a chance at them first.

19. If an engine falls off, don't show any signs of fear...it might frighten the crew.

20. By all means, avoid getting airsick or at least wait until you are off the plane.

21. Don't expect the coffee to be hot...it never is.

22. Don't complain if you see your flight attendant sitting in the Captain's lap; she's obviously been kind enough to give up her own seat to a passenger on an over-booked flight and just needs a place to sit.

23. Shut up and try not to wake the crew; they're probably still hung over from last night's party.

24. Keep your $#%!& feet off the seats.

25. If you have a friend named Jack and you happen to see him sitting nearby on the same flight, don't jump up and shout, "Hi, Jack!"

26. Never ask for more than one beer on any flight; otherwise, there won't be enough left for the crew.

27. In case of ditching at sea, please do not ask to play with the Captain's rubber duck. No exceptions!

28. Feeding crew members to the sharks is strictly forbidden, even if it is their fault you had to ditch.

29. Always remember that even though the Captain may be the most worthless, incompetent &$!*$#@*! that ever wore four stripes, he is still the Captain and you're not.

30. And one last thing...keep your $#%!& feet off the seats!!!