One Mouse Question And The Answer It Generated


Q.

Can anyone tell me the best way to prevent mice from entering my house. Also any tips on removing them once they are in.

A.

1. If you have doors, make sure that they are small. Mice won't go through doors if they have to crouch.

2. Do you have a sign outside your house saying "Mice are welcome here"? If so, this could attract mice, who will think that they are welcome in your house. If you have such a sign, remove it immediately.

3. Place advertisements in your local papers stating that mice are welcome at the houses of your neighbors. If you pay in cash at the newspaper office and give a false name, the advertisements will never be traceable back to you.

4. I wonder if perhaps you like cheese? Mice like cheese too, and can smell it from about 2 miles away. Never keep cheese in the house. If you find that you must have cheese on the premises, keep it in a secure lead-lined container.

5. In the 1970's, Milton Bradley, a company who manufacture children's games in the USA, created a game called MouseTrap! whose aim was to catch a plastic mouse in a bizarre trap that was gradually built up over time. Little did MB Games know, but the game actually does act as an effective Mouse Trap. If you can get a copy of the game at a secondhand store, buy it (no matter what the price), set it up, and leave it near some cheese overnight. The next morning, you will find a small group of mice desperately trying to get a ballbearing to fly from a plastic scoop into a funnel.

6. Do you have a cleaner? Although cats hate mices (to pieces, generally speaking) the cat and the mouse will shake hands and ignore their differences if your cleaner annoys both of them (See Tom & Jerry #6473 d. Fred Quimby 1967). If you do have a cleaner, fire her (let's face it, it's probably a her) immediately.

7. If the mouse enters your house, you will have a lot of trouble getting rid of it. My preferred way is to, one evening, offer the mouse a scrumptious meal. The next evening, give the mouse a meal of even greater scrumpliciousness. And the following evening, do the same. And so on, and on, for about a week. On the eighth evening, give the mouse a delicious meal again, but instead of clearing away the plates, call your dogs into the room (if you do not have dogs, borrow some from a friendly neighbor) and let the dogs lick the plates clean. Then, calmly and acting as if it were completely normal, replace the plates in the cupboard, perhaps making comments about how dogs are better than a dishwasher and the like. Mice hate the thought of their dinner plates being licked clean by dogs and will soon decamp to your more salubrious neighbors.

8. This should hopefully clear up your mice problem, but if all else fails, why not consider hitting the fuckers with a baseball bat.

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