Women Seeking Men . . .

• 40-ish - 48

• Adventurer - Has had more partners that you ever will

• Affectionate - Possessive

• Artist - Unreliable

• Athletic - Flat chested

• Average Looking - Ugly

• Beautiful - Pathological liar

• Commitment Minded - Pick out curtains, now!

• Communication Important - Just try to get a word in edgewise

• Contagious Smile - Bring your penicillin

• Educated - College dropout

• Emotionally Secure - Medicated

• Employed - Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home

• Enjoys Art & Opera - Snob

• Enjoys Nature - Bring your own granola

• Exotic Beauty - Would frighten a Martian

• Feminist - Fat; ball buster

• Financially Secure - One paycheck from the street

• Free Spirit - Substance user

• Friendship First - Trying to live down reputation as slut

• Fun - Annoying

• Gentle - Comatose

• Good Listener - Borderline Autistic

• Humorous - Caustic

• Intuitive - Your opinion doesn't count

• In Transition - Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills

• Light Drinker - Lush

• Looks Younger - If viewed from far away in bad light

• Loves Travel - If you are paying

• Loves Animals - Cat lady

• New Age - All body hair, all the time

• Non Traditional - Ex-husband lives in the basement

• Old Fashioned - Lights out

• Open Minded - Desperate

• Outgoing - Loud

• Petite - Won't stand out in a pack of Munchkins

• Poet - Depressive Schizophrenic

• Professional - Bitch

• Redhead - Shops the Clairol aisle

• Reliable - Frumpy

• Romantic - Looks better by candlelight

• Self-employed - Jobless

• Smart - Insipid

• Spiritual - Involved with a cult

• Stable -Boring

• Tall, Thin - Anorexic

• Tan - Wrinkled

• Wants Soulmate - One step away from stalking

• Widow - Nagged first husband to death

• Writer - Pompous

• Young at Heart - Toothless crone

Men Seeking Women . . .

40-ish - 52 and looking for 25 year old

Affectionate - Needy and looking for mother-figure

Artist - Delicate ego badly in need of massage

Athletic - Sits on the couch and watches ESPN

Average Looking - Unusual hair growth on ears, nose and back

Distinguished Looking - Fat, grey and bald

Educated - Will always treat you like an idiot

Employed - On management track at Radio Shack

Financially Secure - Will spend some money on you in return for which he will expect you to obey his every whim for the duration of your mortal life

Free Spirit - Sleeps with your sister

Friendship First - As long as friendship involves nudity

Fun - Good with remote control and a six pack

Good Looking - Arrogant bastard

Honest - Pathological Liar

Huggable - Overweight

Light Drinker - Headed for AA

Likes to Cuddle - Insecure, overly dependent

Likes Romantic Walks on the Beach - Reads Cosmo and thinks this is what you want to hear

Mature - Until you get to know him

Open Minded - Wants to sleep with your sister, but she's not interested

Physically Fit - Spends a lot of time in front of mirrors admiring himself

Poet - Once wrote on a bathroom stall

Professional - Owns a white button down shirt

Reliable - Shows up on time - give or take 3 hours

Self-employed - Same as for women and eats nachos all weekend

Sensitive- Needy

Smart - Thinks Cheers is "the wittiest show ever on TV"

Spiritual - Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter

Stable - Occational stalker, but never arrested

Thoughtful - Says "Please" when demanding a beer

Virile - Can read 3 Penthouse Forums without passing out

Young at Heart - Pedophile