Separate Ways

by Vicki Firth, 1998

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager and its characters are the property of Paramount. This story is not meant to infringe upon the trademarks or copyrights of Paramount.

This is a response to the sappy song story challenge on the 1001 list.  Please do not post or distribute this story without the author's permission.

******

Here we stand
Worlds apart, hearts broken in two
Sleepless nights
Losing ground
I'm reaching for you

***

"He's back, Captain, and he wants to see you. He said he'd be at The Night Owl at 2100 hours tonight."

"Thank you, Tom," Janeway said quietly.

***

Feelin' that it's gone
Can change your mind
If we can't go on
To survive the tide love divides

***

"Kath, who's that?"

Janeway closed the door softly and turned to face the tall and slender man who had entered the foyer from her living quarters.

"It was just Commander Paris," she replied. "He just stopped by to let me know about a meeting I'm wanted at tonight."

"Tonight? But that means we won't be able to get together for dinner."

Janeway sighed. "I'm sorry, Mark. Duty calls."

"Well then I expect you to make yourself free for me tomorrow night."

"Of course." Janeway forced a smile to her lips.

"I'll see you later," Mark said, bending to touch his lips to hers.

Janeway returned the kiss and opened the door for him. Then, when he had exited, she shut the door again and leaned heavily against it.

She would never have expected to feel an aversion towards Mark. But so much had changed in the time Voyager had been gone. She had changed in her absence, and so had Mark. Only he had not changed for the better.

In the one communication she had received from him while she had been in the Delta Quadrant, he had told her that he had married. She had been surprised to discover upon returning to Earth that he had subsequently divorced.

She had returned to the Alpha Quadrant believing herself free of any old entanglements and believing herself freed from her duty to her crew, finally. Free, at last, to love Chakotay as she wanted to.

But only weeks into their return circumstances had forced them apart and pushed her back into Mark's eager arms.

Chakotay. She had loved him for so long. Not from the start, but little by little along the way. Until what she felt for him had become so all-consuming that she knew she could not act on it. Not while she had her crew to think of. Not until that last night on Voyager, when they had been but hours from home.

He'd come to her quarters that night, at her invitation. She'd thanked him for everything he'd done to see them home again, told him she couldn't have done it without him. Then she told him, simply and without preamble, that she loved him. That she was ready to embrace that love, if he still felt the same way.

He did. They'd touched and held and loved each other through til the morning.

Their arrival back on Earth had been to great fanfare. They'd returned in the midst of a war which had been raging for several years and in which the Federation and its allies were only just holding their own.

Starfleet had decided long before, when they had first discovered Voyager's fate in the Delta Quadrant, that the Maquis should be pardoned. The Federation needed heroes just then, and Voyager and her crew fit the bill nicely.

Voyager's former Maquis were allowed to retain their commissions if they so chose. Many did. Many were promoted and sent off into battle. Even Neelix had been awarded the rank of ensign.

B'Elanna and Tom, who both now held the rank of lieutenant commander, were assigned temporarily to Starfleet research and development. Starfleet was anxious to put the alien technology which B'Elanna and Tom had incorporated into Voyager's systems into use fleet wide. Seven, whom Starfleet still wasn't sure precisely how to classify (Janeway thought she was listed as a "technology specialist" on her official personnel file) was currently assisting them.

Chakotay had been promoted to captain, given command of his own ship, and sent to the front lines on a three month tour of duty. Harry, now a full lieutenant, had been assigned to his ship. In one of the galaxy's greater ironies, Commander Tuvok served as Chakotay's first officer.

As for herself, Starfleet had talked of promotion, but Janeway would have none of it. She was not quite ready to give up an active captaincy, particularly in this time of need in the Federation. Yet Starfleet had not yet been willing to send her off with a ship; they still had much information to glean from her regarding her experiences in the Delta Quadrant.

She and Chakotay had bid each other a temporary, yet bittersweet, farewell. They had had such little time to be truly together and now they had to wait until his tour was ended. They had to hope no harm would come to him on the battle lines.

The relief she had felt moments ago when she had opened the door to Tom telling her that Chakotay was back, that he was well, must have been palpable. She was surprised that she had managed to remain calm enough to say good-bye to Mark.

Janeway squeezed her eyes closed tightly and took a deep breath, placing a hand atop her heart. Chakotay was back! He was alive and he wanted to see her. She had longed for this day for three endless months.

But she was torn, as well. What would Chakotay be thinking? Surely he must know that she and Mark were together again. Tom knew, and he was in contact with Harry, and Harry was aboard Chakotay's ship. Surely Chakotay must know. That had to be why he had broken contact with her. They had been in touch whenever Chakotay could get a subspace message out. In the first weeks they had talked longingly about what they would do when he returned.

Then the battlefront heated up in the sector Chakotay's ship was assigned and she didn't hear from him for a few weeks.

Then she started seeing Mark, and she didn't hear from Chakotay again.

***

Someday love will find you
Break those chains that bind you
One night will remind you
How we touched
And went our separate ways
If he ever hurts you
True love won't desert you
You know I still love you
Though we touched
And went our separate ways

***

She had been delighted to hear from Mark and of course she had wanted to see him. He was one of her oldest friends. She was sorry to hear that his marriage had not worked out, and as he still seemed to be a bit despondent about it, she had avoided telling him how she had found someone to love. Mark would always be a dear friend and she didn't want to cause him any pain.

She had been surprised when he started to actively pursue her again, when she sensed that he was attempting to turn their friendship back into the love affair it had once been. She had been ready to let him down gently when Admiral Tylor had called her to that fateful meeting.

At first she hadn't believed what Admiral Tylor was telling her. Mark Johnson was involved in espionage on the behalf of the Dominion? Absurd! But then Tylor showed her the virtually irrefutable proof that Starfleet Intelligence had compiled and the truth had stared her in the face. Mark was no longer the same man she had once known.

However, he was still someone she had known for a long time and she balked at Tylor's request that she assist Starfleet Intelligence in gathering the information they needed to apprehend those who issued Mark his orders. Eventually, however, Tylor had been able to persuade Janeway that it was for the greater good and for the future of the Federation.

She had been uncomfortable at the beginning, pretending to respond to Mark's romantic overtures in order to spy on him. But then she had gotten to know this Mark a little better, and was horrified by the changes that had come over him. Always a self-assured and strong individual, his disposition was now to the point where he was hardened and domineering. Had she been acting of her own free will she would definitely not have pursued the renewal of their relationship even to the point of great friendship. Mark was not a person she wished to know anymore.

Worst of all, she felt as though she was betraying Chakotay, even though she made certain that her relationship with Mark was not going too far too fast. To everyone around her it must have appeared as though she was falling for Mark again, and that her feelings for Chakotay had been thrown to the wayside. Torres had shown that she was openly shocked at the situation and Tom ... Tom had let her know in no uncertain terms how poorly he though of her for her defection, for her betrayal of Chakotay's love. It had hurt her a lot.

When Tylor had first convinced her to assist Starfleet Intelligence, Janeway had expected to be embroiled in the intrigue for not more than several weeks, as Starfleet had been so certain they were close to discovering who Mark was working for. Janeway had felt reassured that it would all be over long before Chakotay returned home and that she would be able to explain all to him.

But it was not over, and he had now returned.

***

Troubled times
Caught between confusion and pain
Distant eyes
Promises we made were in vain

***

It rained that night. It was a spring rain, so it was not cold, but it made the night dark and gloomy. Janeway pulled a light waterproof slicker on over her uniform as she made her way to The Night Owl.

The coffee shop was not a long walk from her quarters but the time it took to get there was still sufficient for Janeway to mull over what this evening's reunion would bring. Did Chakotay feel betrayed? Would he ask her why she had rejected him like this? Would he tell her he was happy for her, and wish her well and tell her he was ready to get on with his own life as well?

She was sorely distressed by the whole situation. She wanted to somehow let Chakotay know that he alone still held her heart, but how could she do so without putting at peril her mission for Starfleet Intelligence? Yet how could she risk losing the man she truly loved?

He was sitting at a back corner table in the coffee shop. While The Night Owl was frequently predominantly by cadets, particularly at this time of night, she and Chakotay could still be recognized. Their faces were not unfamiliar after their return home to the Alpha Quadrant those short months ago.

She approached his table, a friendly smile on her lips.

"Captain," she said brightly, "how nice to see that you're back from the front." She extended a hand for her old comrade to shake.

He accepted her hand in his, but did not shake it. He held it for a moment, and then let it slip from his grasp. He did not return her smile. He gestured for her to have a seat.

Janeway sat. Her heart plummeted.

"I've heard that you're back with Mark," Chakotay said with no further prelude to conversation. "I need to hear it from you, Kathryn. Is it true?"

He was looking directly into her eyes. She wanted to drop her gaze before she answered, so she wouldn't have to witness the hurt that would flash across his expression. But she couldn't look away.

"It's true," she said steadily.

She was spared when he shut his eyes and drew a deep breath. "I see," he said. But he didn't. She was aware of the questions in his eyes when he looked back at her.

If only she could explain. If only she could tell him that it wasn't true.

"Chakotay," she began, "it's a long story. I wish I could explain it to you because you'd understand everything once I did, but I can't right now. Soon, but not right now." It was the best she could do.

"I guess there's nothing more to say then."

"No," Janeway whispered. "I should go." She rose from her seat but then quickly leaned in closer to him and covered the back of her hand gently with her palm. "Chakotay, if you can, have some faith in me. Please."

He looked at her, puzzled, and then flipped his hand around so he could grasp hers. "I'll never stop loving you, Kathryn," he said softly, urgently. "I'll always be here for you if you ever need me. I want to spend my future with you, and if you ever feel the same way all you have to do is let me know."

She couldn't offer him more of a response than the squeeze of his hand before she walked away.

***

If you must go,
I wish you love
You'll never walk alone
Take care my love
Miss you love

***

Janeway didn't know how long she'd been walking in the rain. The hood of her slicker had long ago blown off her head and her hair was soaking wet, with rivulets of water cascading down to her shoulders. She didn't notice the outer discomfort caused by the elements, so great was the ache inside of her.

The footsteps approaching at a run behind her and her name being called out hadn't registered with her. She only realized she was being sought after when a hand was placed on her shoulder and she was spun around.

She gazed into the wet and bedraggled countenance of Tom Paris.

"Captain! I've been looking everywhere for you! You haven't heard the news, have you?"

Janeway looked at him dispassionately. "What news?"

"The news about Mark Johnson. He's been arrested! They said you were instrumental in his capture."

Feeling the world tilt and then suddenly right itself, Janeway reached out to grasp at Tom's arm to steady herself.

"What?" she said numbly.

"They've arrested Mark. Then you weren't really getting involved with him again, were you?"

"I ... no," Janeway responded.

"I'm sorry, Captain. Sorry for what I said to you about Chakotay. I hope you can forgive me." Paris looked wholly contrite and rather pathetic with water dripping off the tip of his nose.

"Chakotay!" Janeway exclaimed. "I've got to find him! Have you seen him, Tom?"

Paris shook his head. "I went to the coffee shop first when I was searching for you and he wasn't there. I checked his quarters as well. I don't know."

Janeway thought hard. If Chakotay had wanted to do the same as she had, go off and lose himself and think, where would he do it? What places in San Francisco had he made into his own?

Then she knew. "Tom, I've got to go! Thank you!" she cried and squeezed his arm briefly before setting off at a run.

Chakotay had often told her about a spot in the park that he liked, and it was nearby. She ran at a breakneck speed, slipping and sliding here and there on the wet grass. When she reached the heart of the park she could just make out a dark figure leaning against a large rock.

"Chakotay!" she screamed, and the figure stood and turned towards her.

It was him, she could see when she got closer. She spread her arms wide and called his name again.

Wondrously, he opened his arms to her and pulled her to him as she ran into his embrace.

"It was never Mark, Chakotay! It was always you! Mark was an assignment, for Starfleet Intelligence! It's still you I love!"

He looked down at her, her eyes shining and her face wreathed in a glorious smile. While he was still a bit confused at exactly what had transpired over the last couple of months, at that moment he didn't care. She was back. She was his. He picked her up and spun her around in the rain.

"It will always be you," she said softly, right before he kissed her.

***

The End

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