Tips on staying away from country music
or
Say no to twang
by Nate Borst
posted July 1, 1998
Okay. I am a music lover. I even consider myself eclectic. But if there is one thing that makes me do the technicolor yawn, its country music. (if you want to call it MUSIC). Yet my
heart goes out to all those who are too late to be saved: to those beyond
help. But for those who are not yet engulfed in the fire of twang, let me
help you. Let me help you eliminate the risk.
Now I'm going to ask you a few
questions, and if you answer yes to any of them, you are at risk. First, do
you have any articles of clothing whose names contain the word "cowboy"?
Cowboy hat? Cowboy boots? Get rid of them. Or what about items in plaid
other than boxers? Get rid of those, too. Do you own a horse? More
importantly, do you smell like a horse? Do you ever visit a leather shop?
Don't.
I realize there are certain high-risk behaviors that can't be
taken care of. Like living on a farm. Having hic parents. Living in the
south-central United States. Being Republican. But you have the responsibility
to stay clean. To stay clean of country. These questions are precautions you
can take. Do you listen to radio stations that are found below 100 on the
F.M. dial? Anything below 100 is dangerous. Do you find yourself singing
throaty lyrics that rhyme? Do you, or have you ever before used the phrase
"achy-breaky" or "ain't"? Do you spend more than 2 hours a week with your
grandparents? Be careful. They may seem friendly on the outside, but when
your trapped in their car, going about 15 in a 35 mph speed zone, and they
turn on 'ol Leann, Garth, or say... a radio station found below 100, their
true self comes out. But stay in control: don't get upset with them. They
can't help it. You just have to accept that they have been lost, but you
still have time to save yourself. Thats why I'm talking to you today. Not to
scorn you. Not to put you down. But to try to help you. For you have a
responsibility to your friends, family, the world, and most importantly
yourself, to stay clean of the dangers of country "music."
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