10 June, 2000

I thought that just this once I'd try it all again
nothing lost or nothing gained, another day, another game
and for a minute there you had  me; I thought that I was doing well
but now I'm stuck within myself, stuck here without any help

You said that you were glad to see me, that made the whole hike worth the trip
I'd walk 1,000 times the distance to see a smile curve your lips
and when you wrote your number for me I thought for sure I'd won it all
and for once, maybe, I wouldn't feel so lonely.  I hoped you'd catch me as I fall

And fall I did but you weren't there, you lied to me and broke my heart
So what if I can't be like him, that doesn't mean you can tear it apart
you told me one thing, did another, can't you see the damage done?
i guess you can't but if you can it's not too late to save this one

I'm still not feeling any better.  I thought that if I just gave things a few days, I'd feel more comfortable about what happened with Cayly.  But I'm not.  I'm still so pissed at A) myself for allowing me to be led on by what was obviously pity and a girl who was unsure of how to say "no, go away" and B) Cayly for not actually just saying get out, or else following through instead of hooking up with one of my friends three hours later.  I can't stand this.  There's absolutely nothing I can do but sit here feeling sorry for myself and wishing that Cayly would just call me and apologize or something.  I can't deal with this.  She was the first girl I'd really liked in almost a year, and I really wanted something to happen with us.  I still do.  But it's not going to, and every time I see her or my boye, I'm just going to feel worse and worse about it because I don't think it's ever really going to get resolved.
I don't know what to do.  I'm just sitting here feeling so bad about the whole thing.  I can't explain how I feel about it, but I just felt so sure that something was happening, or that something was supposed to happen.  I haven't felt like this about a girl for a long time.  I don't know if I've ever really felt like this.  It's like the biggest blow to me entire being that I've ever dealt with.  Everything just seems so meaningless and hollow now.  Ugh.