12 June, 2000

Kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me.
I think this is possible the worst day of my relatively short and generally unimportant life.  The strangest part about it is that my day was going great except for like three minutes of it.  I got up, did some yard work at my house, did some work for my little business, rode my bike, ate dinner, went out to dessert with my family.  That summed up my day.  It was fun.  I enjoyed everything.  But when I got back from Squirrel Brothers (dessert), I talked to Cayly.  I thought I was going to do really well and tell her everything about how I felt and what had happened and where I was standing, but I couldn't.  I just couldn't figure out how to say it.  So now she thinks everything is cool and I still feel like I got the shaft (actually, a lot moreso now).  I don't know how I'm supposed to call her up tomorow and say:

"Cayly, this is James.  I know last night we said everything was cool, and you want to be friends and you like Adrian and everything, but I really really feel good about you and me.  I know you're leaving for college in two months, but I really want this to happen.  I have since almost the first time we talked this year, but I've really been thinking about it a lot the last few weeks.  After that party, I really thought things were going well, but I guess they weren't, huh?  Anyway, as soon as I heard about you and Adrian, I just totally felt drained and shitty.  I didn't even know what to say to you at Preston's; that's why I went inside to chill by myself.  When you came in I was so worried that I was just going to either blow up at you and freak out because I was so mad at myself for letting myself get so far ahead of what was really happening and because I was disappointed with how things turned out, or that I was just going to start crying.  How lame would that have been, to have you walk into the room and stumble on me in tears because I'm stuck in some high school crush that really doesn't feel like a crush at all?  Then I said I'd call you and talk to you, but I didn't know what to say, so I didn't call.  Then I did, and when we talked last night I just screwed up (again) and couldn't figure out how to say everything I wanted to.  I just can't figure out what's going on, but I really really like you, Cayly.  I got the impression that you don't feel the same way, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do with myself, sitting at home trying to drown my sorrows in a glass of self-pity that everybody I talk to seems to fall into with me.  You know how I said I was talking to Patricia about honesty and stuff?  Well, we did talk about that, but (as you probably guessed) we were talking about you for most of the time.  Patricia didn't really know what to say, but she said I should talk to you about it.  I've wanted to talk to you about it since February, but I haven't been able to.  I just don't know how to describe how I feel.  I haven't really liked a girl as much as I like you, ever, and I know that sounds stupid, but it's the truth.  I guess I should have said something earlier or not said anything at all, but I just feel like I should tell you how I feel about you and everything."

Well, I can safely say I'm not going to call her tomorrow and say that, but I'll probably figure out a way to get her looking at this site before too long.  That seems to be the best plan, as the last week has been nothing but me sobbing to myself over this whole thing on here.