13 June  2000

Hmm.  I don't think I'm going to win with this whole Cayly thing.  I heard some stuff today that kind of verified that.

I guess things are moving really, really fast with her and Adrian.  It sounds like they're already pretty serious, and they're going to get a whole lot more serious before too long.  So where does that leave me?  All those feelings that I had about her and me were just wrong, I guess.  So much for any sense of trusting myself and trusting the things I feel.  What is trust anyway?  Just an excuse people use to justify their own failures.

I'm not so stoked right now.  In fact, I haven't felt this down in any amount of time I can remember.

I've decided to write an essay.  I don't know exactly what it's going to be on, but I'm going to write it anyway.
IN LIGHT OF recent events, I've uncovered some truths about myself that I thought I had hidden well away from the complicated "reality" that I try and live in.  The past year of my life has seen a lot of changes for me.  I've been a punk, an anarchist, joined PETA, gone 11 months without a girlfriend (without so much as a kiss, really), learned what it's like to love and be rejected for it, and, above all else, met the person who really is James Peterson.

What I mean when I say that is that I'm a hypocrite who lives at least two lives.  On the outside, at school, talking to most girls, whatever, I'm this Mormon kid who tries not to get grouped with all the other "posers" or whatever.  Inside, and I don't really know anybody who's really met this Me yet, I'm totally lost, confused, scared, and I hate everything.  I have my family, I hate school, I hate my friends, I hate myself, and I hate how many times I come up short in life.  I'm spoiled; I think I deserve everything.  But even though I pretend not to understand when my parents won't just give me money, there's only one thing I feel like I really have earned.

That is one stupid thing.  Love.

You can call it love, affection, acceptance, whatever.  But I'm not feeling it from anybody.  My parents are way too overbearing, my brothers and sisters are people I've lived with since I was born but don't really know much about me.  My "friends" seem to be a lot better friends when they need a ride somewhere.  Nobody gives a shyte about how much the whole Cayly drama is affecting me.  I guess I've brought that on myself; so many times I've cried wolf about something that didn't really matter to me in order to get some attention!  Now that I really do need more than just my own sorry brain to help me through this one, where is everybody?  Apologizing to me about the whole thing while they're thinking about what to wear to the party tonite.

I don't understand why I do half the things I do.  I don't know why I went to see Gladiator tonite when I could have called Cayly and tried to talk to her again.  I don't understand why I didn't even care about getting home when I was supposed to.  I don't understand why, as much as I want to, I can't tell my parents to stick it.  I wish there was some way I could just figure myself out, because right now I need some sort of guidance or aid or something.

Anybody who has talked to me in the last week could probably tell you that I worry too much about pretty harmless things.  They tell me things like "you'll get over her, James.  She's just a girl, James.  It's no big deal, James."  Well guess what?  IT IS A BIG DEAL TO ME!  When I can't sleep because I'm tossing and turning thinking about Cayly and me and how I should have dealt with it and how I should still be dealing with it and how I'll deal with it tomorrow, it becomes a big deal.  I'm fairly sure I'll get over this, but I don't feel like it right now.  I know she's just a girl, but not only is she someone I'm attracted to in a very serious, kind of scary (for me, not scary I-take-pictures-of-her-from-outside-her-window scary) way, she's also ANOTHER GIRL.  I say that because of how many girls I've been shut down by.  Cayly is like #329 in the last 12 months.  I know I could have talked to her more.  I know I should tell her exactly how I feel and try try try.  But despite my shortcomings, I felt so completely sure that things would work out no matter what.  With every other girl I've tried to relationshipamize with, something has always made me wonder why I was in the situation.  With Cayly, all I can think of is "I hope we write a lot of letters while she's at college."  I can't seem to accept that I won't really have to worry about that; she'll have long forgotten junior James Peterson before her first semester ends.

So what does all this mean?  I don't know.  But let me tell you that a year of feeling shitty, disappointed, scared, and small shouldn't be capped off with getting turned down by a girl who you think you might be in love with.