Welcome, you may find this page rather boring. It's just a place to write about myself. My likes and dislikes. The ins and outs of my sometimes meaningless existence. I began this project (web page) as something to keep me occupied and from being extremely depressed with my personal life. Things do not always go as we thought they would or should. I have learned, as I said on my hompage, that I can not control everything that goes on in my life. Not that I don't still try to but, hey, I am only human. I am exploring new things, new options, to help me in letting life come at me as it may. I hope I can handle it. I almost have my friends convinced that I am the freak I claim to be...emotionally ..that is. I guess writing things down, a passion I have anyway, helps me to vent...go ahead laugh...it's ok...I need the humor in my life, it helps me get by. Until the next time...check over the site..read the poems and quotes. Marvel over the Angels and send me a line if you're brave or just extremely bored. Thanks. --Azrai Ana--
Hi all, It has been a long week...I did a little work to the site and alot of studying...plenty of time to accomplish things that I have been neglecting around the house too. Maybe by summer I'll be caught up on everything. I find out more and more everyday that trying to be superwoman just isn't for me...can't decided what to give up though. I am almost halfway there for my Associates degree..can't stop now, then there will be the choice in where to transfer to to work on whatever it is I decide to be when I grow up. Was thinking about Psychology and maybe Computer science, go ahead laugh...some think I have the ability to do and be anything I want to..those that truly love me and know me. If I set my mind to it I may even surprise myself. As far as the personal life, well it sucks right now anyway...hopefully things will change and Mr. Right is out there somewhere...NO!!! not the FairyTale kind..Prince Charming and The Knight in Shinning Armor..all lies I tell ya. Just Mr. Right...the one who will be able to convince me that there is life after being with the EX pain in my hiney..and not break my heart...THOUGHT I had him but well, things change, people change, nothing ever stays the same. Stay tuned for more of my boring life. Until next time....Thanks for taking the time. --Azrai Ana--
I was right, finally...I was right about something. My gut feeling was right and I am so glad I know now. For the first time my insistence to know the truth and not just settle for what was on the surface paid off. Today has been a good day, hopefully a fresh start to something wonderful. It was another very long week, I felt miserable and alone. Frustrated by what I did not know, only suspected. I ended my work week by putting myself to the test of another awesome tattoo..yes I said tattoo...my fourth..each with a meaning all it's own. This one is deep, not sure I can explain it to anyone..It jumped out at me and said here I am...so I did it...It hurt like hell, none of the others did, BUT this one did, I needed to feel the pain though, I've been numbed to everything lately. Not allowing myself to feel much more then the torment of feeling like I had lost this really wonderful man, one that made me feel alive and loved.. I know now that he loves me, enough that he feels he needs to walk away..that is deep in and of itself...the thing now is to convince him that what we have is so worth being together. I told him I wouldn't go away, I won't allow him to leave just as he wouldn't allow me to leave in the beginning. I just have to make him really understand that it isn't just wanting him, IT IS NEEDING HIM in my life. Make him see that for once he may be wrong. Is it possible? Only time will tell, and I have plenty of time to help him to see that you should never throw love away, that it would be a horrible mistake for both of us to not allow this love to grow, to not be together. --Azrai Ana--
It has been a long time since I have been here, a long time since I felt well enough to express my feelings. It has been a rough few months, I'm still trying to convince him of the love we feel for each other, but have finally begun to let go a little. I have started to rebuild the wall around myself, my life, my heart. It has been a slow and agonizing process. I never thought I could have become so weak over a man. I know, still, that he loves me to some degree. Yet he casts it aside and I am not sure why. I have come to the realization that no matter how much love I show him or how far I pull away from him it is only he that can choose to love me and want to be with me. I can not do anything to make him realize these things, he has to do it on his own. I am trying to concentrate on the other things going on in my life, work, school ( done for the semester), the kids and spending time with my friends (not whining about my problems). They all offer their advice, I do listen, but it breaks my heart each time they don't truly hear what is in my heart. It has been such a long time since I felt loved or in love with anyone that this has all overwhelmed me to the point of near insanity.
A few calls to my big brother and he made me come to my senses, through love, caring and alot of threats...he helped me realize just how weak I had let myself become. How strong I have always prided myself in being. I'm headed there again, a few steps forward and an occassional step or two back but I'm getting there. Taking my doctors advice and trying to put out a few of the wicks in my candle, he says I have way to many burning at once. As for Xanton, well the love is still there, it always will be, but I can not live my life based on what I feel for him alone. Moving on?, not just yet, those feelings are to strong to ignore and hide but I am trying to face the reality and put my energy into other things. --Azrai Ana--
It has been what seems like forever since I have had the time and energy to even try to put my thoughts and feelings down in print. Alot has happened since the last time I felt like I could even gather my thoughts enough to attempt trying. The great love affair was a nothing more than a moment in time that caused much damage to me emotionally, sometimes I think more than that from my ex-husband. I guess maybe because I did care, Xanton opened doors that had been closed, barred and locked for a very long time. He did teach me that I am capable of loving another and trusting someone even though the trust I gave to him he regarded as nothing. It didn't matter to him and he abused it horribly. He used my emotions against me quite often and it took a long while for me to get him to finally say goodbye, to let go so that I felt I could move on. What a lovely christmas present. I had already decided that I would not begin another year hoping for the impossible.
Age does make a difference, in life experiance and expectaions for one's life. It makes a difference in the level of happiness one chooses to go after and how they appreciate what they have and are capable of doing, who they are capable of being inside and to the rest of the world. Since the last entry into my journal pages I have withdrawn from school, worked three jobs and continued to be the freak I am still claiming to be.
I must admit I had decided that I would be alone for the rest of my life, would not look for or pursue anything in the remote form of a relationship. Relationships are just to difficult when one person is willing to give everything and recieves nothing in return, so rather than feel worthless and continue to be hurt emotional and mentally I would concentrate on work, my children and make life decisons about returning to school and the options that lay before me to create a more tolerable life. Look for a more peaceful place to live, one that would take me far from the miserable life I have had here. The memories are enough to deal with somedays no need for reminders.
Amazingly I have found that it is not a myth that when one chooses to let go of things they have little control over and seek other forms of happiness in their lives they are suddenly caught off guard and sometimes overwhelmed by what they see when they open their eyes. Taking time to smell the roses and appreciating the things life has to offer with an open mind really can set one free. Out of the blue came an incredible man who loves me and wants to take care of me. Caught off guard and overwhelmed by the feelings I thought were impossible to feel for anyone, let alone think anyone could feel that way for me, I have found my last love. Sweet, sensitive and caring, he suprises me everyday with how much our hearts speak to one another, how much alike we think, and how expressive he is about his feelings. It scares me to think I could wake up and it would all be just a dream. But, reality becomes a little clearer everyday and I have listened to my heart rather than question it. As my brother says "go with it". To feel my heart race each time I talk to him, to feel it ache each moment I don't, I have learned that loving someone is far deeper than attraction to ones appearance and the surface of their personality. It goes well beyond that, far deeper into their soul. Knowing ones thoughts, emotions, and desires in life especially when they are so much the same as your own can not be taken lightly into one's own heart. When you feel their heart speak to yours across miles and time it is time to let your self listen and appreciate them for having found you. Time to accept unconditional love and appreciate it's offer by the return of the same without question, without hesitation. Mind and heart may not always agree, and questions may arise but with patience of heart, communication of soul, and acceptance of desire eventually they will lead you to the heart and mind of the person that will love you just as you love them. What in this world could be more fulfilling than finding that one person you were meant to spend the rest of eternity with? I love you David, there is no doubt in my mind or in my heart that we are meant to be. Thank you for finding me, wanting me and loving me. ~Love Ana~
Wow, has it really been six months already? Amazing how fast time does go by. I think to myself often...I say.."self (LOL)..you should take more time to work on that journal, add the things that are happening in your life, if for no other reason than to be able to look back on things and see just what was happening". But then I get busy with other things and the next thing you know months have gone by and there is so much that has happened I dont know where to begin in putting my thoughts and feelings down in print yet again. Anyway, let's see.....hmmm, last entry was all about me discovering that love could find me if i quit looking for it and it did....yet it didn't stick around very long. He seemed to be everything I could have ever asked for in a man, he was sweet, caring, expressive, but there were things that concerned me, made me doubt his sincerity and honesty. I still talk to him from time to time..I feel no less love in my heart than I did in February however there were and are to many obstacles for us to face right now. So what could have been a magical, loving relationship came to an end in May. I still feel him, I still care about him, I still worry about him and God knows I miss him everyday. However... things change, people change, nothing ever stays the same.....story of my life in NINE words.
I truly believe I found my last love with him, in him. Then again maybe not... I want to believe that in time he will listen to his heart, look for me and all will be worked out, that the love we created and shared for one another will have stood the tests of time and distance despite all the obstacles that interfered. That someday all the promises he made and plans we made, the dreams we shared will still come true. I know...I know.. Dont hold my breath..lmao.. well.. it never hurts to hope and right now that's about all I have, Hope... sometimes it takes years for one to realize what they had and gave up.
The kids are growing, My son will be on his own in a few months, it scares me and it excites me at the same time. My daughter and I will have the next four years to create a bond like that which I created with my son at a much earlier age and there will hopefully be no more fighting for mom's attention.
The rotten Ex has returned to town.. man I was really hoping he would find his way off the face of the earth and leave me and the kids alone, no such luck yet though.
To my friends and my family... I just wanna take a moment to tell you how much I appreciate you being there for me no matter what, no questions asked, and letting me do my thing..good, bad, ugly or indifferent.. just know I love you all always.
No promises, but I will try to get back here more often.. my intentions are good, but life is full of surprises and i never know what's happening or going to happen till it does.
I guess after the five months I spent believing David, when he ended it I came to realize that my favorite quote is so much more true than I really imagined. For all of you who read this keep in mind "To Believe With Certainty, We Must First Begin By Doubting" My love and best wishes to all... ~Love Ana~