| What do condoms and Coca-Cola
have in common?
Answer: Both are used as forms of contraception. (In third world countries Coca-Cola is used as a douche to kill sperm before it reaches the egg. In a Harvard University study, it was proven effective) |
You are going to become wealthy today. A friend will show appreciation for your loyalty and give you a nice tip: don't go to a party tonight with the strange little green man who just moved in next door. |
It is not a good idea to go to a party tonight. You may find yourself lying in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding and sardines in the morning. |
Your new love interest may not be telling the truth about his or her age. Just to be sure, you might want to look at the teeth to determine whether or not you need to stop and buy some Huggies on your way to the movies. |
Chances are good that your love life will be improving today. If you can convince your best friend to let you borrow some money, the stars are positive you'll be able to get a hotel room for an hour. |
A big surprise awaits you this evening. The stars suggest that you hide your lovers things from plain sight in your house. Your parents are on their way for an unannounced visit. Thongs and motion lotion are sure to make them freaky. Do you really want the emotional scars that will cause? |
Life has thrown you some pretty tough curves lately. Its time to head down to the sporting goods store and buy yourself a bigger bat. Those curves will not be letting up any time soon because your mom is coming for a visit. |
If you are planning a romantic weekend, don't bother. Its a rare lover who thinks that fly fishing and hog calling are part of the ultimate dream date. |
You can do no wrong today. Everything will be going your way for the next few days. The bus, the cops, the ugly neighbor with a crush on you, all of these things will become your new best friend today. |
The planets are now aligned to your advantage Leo. You will be able to win the auction for that rare copy of "Sam Donaldson Sings Streisand" on E-Bay tonight. |
A very mysterious and exciting person will enter your life today. Your mom will blow your mind with her knowledge of certain topics. I bet you didn't think she knew what sex was, did you? |
A little bird told the stars that you could use a vacation. It also said you would be going to lovely downtown Hokes Bluff on vacation. |
The cops know about your stash Pisces. Don't flush it yet. Make some brownies. Barney Fife might just be the life of your next party. |
 A
burglar was cruising through a posh suburb looking for a target of opportunity.
At one house he saw a truck unloading a big screen television, stereo,
and video outfit. All of this gear had to have cost thousands of dollars.
He made a note and went on his way.
He was back in the same neighborhood the next day. When he drove past the house with all the goodies, he saw an elderly couple loading suitcases into the trunk of their car. He could hardly wait. That night, without a moon in the sky and a heavy fog, he drove up to the house. He rang the doorbell and when no one answered, broke the lock on the kitchen door and went in. It was pitch black inside as he made his way through the kitchen, then the dining room and into the den; where he expected to find the things he wanted to steal. "I see you and Jesus sees you," a voice said. The burglar froze in his tracks. "I see you and Jesus sees you," the voice said again. When nothing more happened, the burglar took out his flashlight and shined it in the direction of the voice. All he saw was a parrot on its perch. "I see you and Jesus sees you." The burglar laughed. "Just a dumb bird," he said. The burglar closed the drapes before turning on a lamp and that's when he saw a big, mean looking Doberman pinscher sitting beneath the parrot's perch. "Sic him Jesus," the parrot said. --Author Anonymous
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