The Five Stages of
Drinking
LEVEL 1:
It's 11:00 on a weeknight,
you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work
the next day and one of your
friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here
at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why
as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.".
LEVEL 2:
It's midnight. You've had a few more
beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You
get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your
shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends!
What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long
as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool.".
LEVEL 3:
One in the morning. You've abandoned
beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR
artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the
most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the
world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the
end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking
fantasies. (like, "Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could
live together forever. We could do it....
Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a
little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh,
come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep... and a complete
change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool.".
LEVEL 4:
Two in the morning. The devil is
bartending.
For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf!
This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the
bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking,
"Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You
and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one
of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four,
you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to
get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!!
Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting
looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for
me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep
tomorrow...................cool.
LEVEL 5:
Five in the morning.
After unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor
("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your
friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have
been in prison as recently as...that morning.
It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta
turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with
Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking
some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon
wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to
yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your
friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and
passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst
part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you?
You never do. You walk out
of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or
jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they
say..."Who's Ruby?"
Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all
night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30,
then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then,
"I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!"
And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean
it!"