Thanks to Coleen, Lena's mom, who made this animation of Bekah. Meet Lena another victim of vehicular homicide
King Solomon: Justice will only be achieved when those who are not injured by crime feel as indignant as those who are.
Thanks to Coleen, Lena's mom, who made this animation of Bekah. Meet Lena another victim of vehicular homicide
What do Bekah?s survivors find to be comforting as they grope with the reality of her loss? I can tell you some of what helps me feel better:
- I visit Bekah?s grave. While there, I talk to her (always saying "amen" so really I pray). Sometimes I open up shakespeare to a random page to see what he wants me to consider that day. Today I thought a question before opening the book (it's the globe illustrated complete shakespeare, closest book to a bible in my life). It was, will I recover from Bekah?s death enough in my lifetime to ever feel really vital and/or happy again? I was led to a blank page, and my interpretation of today's stichomancy is that it is up to me...I will write my own fate. Also today I got her some chimes and put them in her tree. Often I notice how many new neighbors she has, and I walk around studying graves and admiring flowers.
-I write. You may have noticed this by now! Lol - writing has been my psychiatrist, best friend, perpetual shoulder, and of course my primary mode of artistic expression for most of my life. I think I communicate better in writing than verbally...when bekah died I found that although the words came fast and thick and just about around the clock (I have filled almost four notebooks since her death, and that's not even counting the writing that went directly into the computer), it is not enough to assuage this loss. This loss is too great, too unnatural...and so
- I attend grief counseling - in my journey of grief I am still on the first leg. Belief and acceptance. What seems to be becoming clear about this is that it is time and nothing but time that will make belief and acceptance possible.
-I read. Especially memorial pages of murdered children, message boards and e-mails of other victims' parents, and other related literature whether sent to me by my MADDwoman or surfed to on the web. The first book I read after bekah died was none of these, but was a book given to me by a friend of a friend and I am so glad it was, because it helps me to find the faith I need that bekah is still present although on "the other side" - the book is "We Don't Die" and is the story of the psychic medium George Anderson. I am presently looking forward to hopefully being able to swing a reading with a highly reputable psychic such as Anderson or john Edward, but in the meantime am beginning to research into how to hypnotize myself and how to free the psychic in me. If successful I may never require the services of a $1000/hour psychic.
-I catalogue Bekah?s phenomena. From the gooseflesh Denise got the morning after she died while she was on the phone with me and john and I were between where she died and the hospital, where we would shortly be convinced that we did not want to view Bekah?s body, to setting the "crew" picture on fire, to waking me up to tell me I need not fret over her flowers, etcetera. Every addition to the catalogue represents a little more firmness of my faith.
-I collect turtles since bekah died...
-I got a tattoo on Tuesday, a turtle and "bekah" on my right wrist. John's got an appointment to get his on Monday. One thing I gotta tell you is that putting that permanent memorial to my daughter on my arm actually made me feel better than I thought it would. I love my tattoo! Lol
-I keep in touch with Bekah?s loved ones. At group a couple of weeks ago I mentioned that when I lost my daughter I gained several children through her...and you guys are GREAT! I love you. You will never know how important it is to me as a mother to know that my little girl touched others as deeply as she did...
-last but not least, I do this. If there is a primary purpose for this group, it is to share Bekah?s writing. I had been thinking that somehow or other I would have a book put together in time for her 22nd birthday. Realistically I am not going to have that kind of money any time soon, but this way I can still share her writing. By her birthday we may together have devised a way to print something up for the memorial...I also post my poems and am still hoping that others will follow suit with their own poems, stories, memories, etcetera. Was great to see Matt's and Lizzy?s and Cris's name on the message list instead of me,me,me - lol
-I miss her. This is not a comfort,
but I do that mostly these days, miss her. I miss bekah and just try to
find a way to learn how to anticipate a future where she is dead. The hardest
thing I have ever undertaken and hopefully ever will be called upon to
undertake. In the intensity of my longing for her I read a message of undying
love, and I think that it is love that will pull us all through.
Addendum:
I forgot one of my primary occupations: i CRY! I cry every day, some days more than others. But, yeah, how could i have forgotten that one? I cry a lot.
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Comments more than welcome; comments LONGED for! :) hehehehe
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