3-19-98

"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough."
- Frank H. Crane (b. 1912)

"Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway."
- Mother Teresa (1910-97)

After talking to the fire regarding a mutual acquaintance by the name of VIRGIL, I was visited by yet another epiphany when I walked down the street. Because something the fire said - and I said to him, "I've heard enough" - had left, with all the other feelings, a nasty, belittled feeling in me.

Who is Virgil to me? Someone I met, only once, before the frying pan went away the first time. He is apparently also a friend of the fire's. When I meet him again - it is hateful to me but I think it, can't help it. He'll be smiling on the one hand and thinking, why the fuck is the fire with her? She's a stupid fucking asshole.

He does not know me. I know me. The fire knows me, and he loves me. But that fuck knew me, too. And nothing I did or said or demonstrated, as far as my intelligence, my love, my honesty, my vulnerability, stopped him from seeing me as a stupid fucking asshole.

i am not a stupid fucking asshole.

I am a woman who loves and trusts. The epiphany was realizing WHY I wanted to post the letter2-28-98: so anyone could know that because I love and trust does not mean I am a stupid fucking asshole.

And I thought of another chapter: My Theory of Liars. How they assuage their guilt. How can I put forth the essences of which I speak? Re-write the letter, title it appropriately. Write the philosophy. Explain and defend the theory.

And go from there. I was thinking, if only I could show this to Virgil (and so and so, and so and so, and countless nameless and faceless others), he would know I am not a stupid fucking asshole. I am a lover in a world that devalues love to the point it makes a lot of people think it's worthless or non-existent.

So if I go back and do this, now I can do it from this freshly enlightened state of mind. Even letting the world know, if not too subtly! that The fire is a great big reason I dare go back. Wow. I'm scared still. But prepared to see it through.

Love Does Take the Day!

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