4-20-00

4-20-00 4/20/00 2:32:18 PM Columbine HS one year, Gonman one year…

so many times now…I was going to see him, going to hear from him. But it did not happen and did not happen and

so many times now…I have fought the tears that verify the depth of my sadness, the fact of my hurt

and not for the first time only do I wonder why am I this way? Why do I believe the words in spite of actions that are louder, clearer, and more consistent?

And not for the first time only do I perceive an insight within my hurt-clouded heart-clouded mind: it came in the opening words of an unwritten poem:

Why do you lie? How can it be easier to bypass honesty?
Do you really move more comfortably
On deception’s unmapped roads?
Why do you lie? Do you do it to yourself?

Have you admitted or denied the rationality,
The endurance of your false words?
Do I stand a chance realistically,
(Why ask: it is easy for him to lie to me)

Will you ever respond truthfully?
Why do you lie? If you even pretended
To attempt to answer me, if you knew something
You always knew, but kept from me,

Would you ever switch direction, show respect for me,
Or lie in spite of your exposure, or feel guilty,
Or pretend remorse when contempt takes the course,
Contempt satisfied to lie to me, certain to be

The tenor of the feelings lingering
Residually in spite of me inside of me.
Sincerely,
Me

I think I have always wanted to believe that if I could not get him to tell me the truth, at least I could open his eyes to the effect of his lies. And I wanted to divine if it was possible that telling hurtful lies (though they would certainly be exposed) could possibly buy a measure of comfort greater than that gained by telling the truth. In other words, Was it really worthwhile to you to lie to me? That is where my understanding ends: tell me the truth, I may hurt for a minute. Your esteem will be intact if that matters, even if it means we’re all over and I wish we were still together. I won’t chase after you, though I may ask you to explain what is wrong with me…Lie to me, I will cry for decades betrayed incapable of fathoming why…until eventually I realize that the only why that means anything to me is that you are a deceitful prick unworthy of the time and sadness already invested. back to home page.

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