Most TasukixChichiri fics assume that they live happily ever after. Sometimes there is a little bit of angst, but things are usually resolved in the end. There are exceptions, of course, but that seems to be the general rule. I love fics like that and I congratulate all of those authors, but I wanted to write something a little different and a little more dark and depressing. I wanted to explore the possibility of Chichiri never getting over his past and struggling through life.
Warning: This is a death fic so it is going to be sad.
Please do not read any further if you don’t want to imagine a certain
fiery-haired bandit pining after a blue-haired monk. Also this is a shounen-ai
fic, which means two guys have a relationship that goes beyond friendship so please
leave if that offends you.
Songfic: Goodbye
Disclaimer: The song, “Goodbye”, belongs to Patty
Griffin and Martina McBride and Fushigi Yuugi belongs to Watase Yuu. In other words, they are not
mine.
Spoilers:
There are no specific spoilers in this fic, but I think that you will be kind
of confused if you don’t know about Chichiri’s past.
Note: This is from Tasuki’s point of view.
[lyrics]
****************************************
[Occurred to me
the other day
You been gone now a couple years]
Oh, Chichiri. I still think of you so often. After all this time, I can still picture your smiling face and I still wonder if there was anything else I could have done to help you deal with the pain you hid behind that cheerful façade.
I loved you, Chichiri. I always will, but you never believed me. I shake my head even now as those words run through my head again. I will never be able to understand it, Chichiri. I know you wanted me to move on with my life. I know you thought I could forget you so easily, but you were wrong. I could never forget you. I loved you with all of my heart and soul. Why couldn’t you see that? No matter how many times I said it. No matter how many times I kissed you or held you or whispered those words in your ear, you never believed me. You didn’t understand how anyone could love someone like you and that doubt haunted you every day of your life.
I thought you were strong enough to handle it, Chichiri. I really did. I’m sorry I wasn’t there in those final moments to take the bottle from your hands and stop you from swallowing the deadly poison. I tell myself you would have found some other way eventually. I thought you knew how much I would miss you. I thought you knew that my life could never be complete without you beside me, but I was wrong.
Don’t worry, though. I don’t blame you. I know it is not your fault. Years of pain and sorrow etched itself upon your soul and you could never get past that. I tried so hard to melt that ice away from your heart, Chichiri. I tried so hard to make a genuine smile cross your lips, but I guess in the end I failed. I could never make you see how I really felt. I could never make you love yourself and without that you could never understand my love for you.
It’s been years, Chichiri and I still think about you every day. I can’t do anything else. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to exist without you, but I can’t bring myself to give up so easily. I know that you would not have wanted it that way and I respect your wishes no matter how misguided they might be. You always said I was stronger than you, but I’m not really sure if that is true. I miss you so much, Chichiri. I love you so much.
[Well I guess it takes a while
For someone to really disappear]
I will never forget you, Chichiri. No one in this kingdom will ever forget you. I still hear the occasional mention of your name when I venture into town. The people remember everything you did for them as a Suzaku seishi and they respect you. They appreciate all of the ways that you helped them over the years from your first acts as a protector of the priestess of Suzaku to all of the wonderful deeds you carried out just before you died.
You are a hero, Chichiri. People admire you and look up to you. They do not know how you died and I will never tell them. There is the occasional rumor, of course, but the empress and I have an agreement and I will not let anything tarnish your reputation. I want them to remember you as the courageous and generous man that you really were.
[And I remember where I was
When the word came about you
It was a day much like today
The sky was bright and wide and blue]
Unfortunately, I don’t have that luxury. I can still see the images when I close my eyes. Kouji found you first and he ran as fast as he could to find me. Luckily, I was not too far away helping some of the other bandits repair an old lookout post.
Kouji was out of breath when he found me and his eyes glistened with unshed tears. I barely heard a word he said, but I knew that you were in trouble. We both rushed back to the main building and down the narrow hallway to your room. My feet pounded against the hard wooden surface of the floor and the sound echoed throughout the corridor. The sound was almost as loud as my own heartbeat thudding in my ears.
My eyes widened as I opened the door to our room and glanced at your figure laid out on one side of the bed. I held your still hand in mine as those horrible words repeated themselves in my thoughts one more time before I let go. You never believed me.
Back then, I gazed at your calm face and bit my lip. I could almost pretend that you were just sleeping, but the illusion could not last long. I soon realized that your chest did not move up and down and no breath came from your lips. Your skin was too pale and your hands were too limp. You were gone.
[And I wonder where you are
And if the pain ends when you die
And I wonder if there was
Some better way to say goodbye]
I asked you then and I still don’t have an answer. How could you leave me like this, Chichiri? How could you just give up on everything you and I had worked for?
I guess it’s not fair of me to judge you. I could never understand the pain you felt. I know that you hid most of it, but sometimes late at night it poured out in the form of shimmering tears and half-choked sobs and all I could do was hold you. I wish I could have done more.
I swallow hard and fight to hold back the tears. At least you are at peace now. I hope that the pain has finally left your heart and you will be able to start over. I wish I could have told you goodbye. I wish that I could have seen you one last time and held that image in my mind. I wish that I could have seen you smile again even if I knew the sadness behind the gentle curve of your lips. I wish that I could have held you one last time and stroked your hair. I wanted to feel its softness between my fingers while you could still feel it. I wanted to hear you say my name once more. I just wanted to make you happy. That’s all I ever wanted to do. How could I have failed so badly? How could I have let it come to this?
[Today my heart is big and sore
It’s trying to push right through my skin
Won’t see you anymore
I guess that’s finally sinking in]
Don’t worry too much, Chichiri. I try not to blame myself, really I do. I know you wouldn’t want that. I don’t want to add one more burden to your frail shoulders. You don’t need that guilt and I won’t let you carry it. I can tell myself over and over that there was nothing more I could do and I can pretend to believe it. I will keep doing that, Chichiri, until I don’t have to convince myself anymore or until I take my last breath. I am fairly certain that the latter will come first. I wish there was something more I could have done for you.
My heart aches for you and I love you so much, even now. I don’t care if you didn’t believe me. I know the truth. I loved you with every ounce of my being and I would gladly have given up my life to make you happy. I would have given up anything to erase that pain from your fragile heart, but pain builds over time and you fought so long to hide it. It consumed you as all hidden pain does. You couldn’t let go and it just got worse as the years went by. I hoped that it would fade someday, but I guess it was just too much for you to endure and you couldn’t go on.
I keep telling myself that I will see you again someday. I want to believe that it is true. You will be reborn and all of your pain will end. I hope that it is true. I reach out to you sometimes in a vain attempt to find you. You must have been reborn by now. I always hope that somewhere I will come across the innocent face of a child that reminds me of you, but I have yet to find someone like that. I have this horrible fear that you are really gone and that I will never see you again. I feel an emptiness when I reach out for you and it scares me more than anything else. If I have to let go of that hope, I don’t know what I will do. I have to believe we will find each other again someday. I have to believe you have escaped the pain. I have to believe that you would have loved me if you had been able to.
[Cause you can’t make somebody see
With the simple words you say
All their beauty from within
Sometimes they just look away]
I have to believe these things because I can’t fathom a life without you. I can’t understand a world that would allow your soul to bear such heartache without any hope of release. I can’t live if I think that you will never know what I was trying to say. Three little words. Every time they crossed my lips I saw your eye dim and your lips tighten almost indiscernibly. I always hoped that I was just imagining things, but now I know the truth. You never believed me.
How many times did you answer my love with a reassurance of your own? Every time, Chichiri. You said it every time. Did you mean it? Did you really love me, too? Was it possible for you to love anyone after closing yourself off from the world for so long? I don’t know. I’d like to believe that it was. I know that you tried very hard to love me and I think that is enough for me. I know that you gave me everything you had.
[And I wonder where you are
And if the pain ends when you die
And I wonder if there was
Some better way to say goodbye]
I hope it was worth it Chichiri. I hope that all of the pain and sadness you carried around for so long meant something in the grand scheme of things. It would just be too cruel to imagine a world with such indifference to allow such a horrible sacrifice without any consolation. You gave so much to this world for the brief moment that you stayed here. I hope it was enough. I don’t want you to suffer anymore. All I ever wanted was to make you happy. I’m so sorry I couldn’t banish the ghosts that haunted your past. I’m so sorry I couldn’t console your wounded heart or ease your pain. I loved you so much, Chichiri. Wherever you are, I hope you understand that.
~Owari~
Thanks for reading! I finished this fic quite a while ago, but I've always been nervous about posting it because frankly, it depresses me and I didn't want to depress anyone else with it! So, I suggest you read Sudden Downpour after this because it is pure Chichiri/Tasuki fluff and I'm guessing you could use a dose of that right about now. Thanks again!