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Surface Tension
Disclaimer: Shinobu and Mitsuru do not belong to me (unfortunately) and are the property of Nasu Yukie
Author's note: This story contains Mitsuru & Shinobu shounen-ai and lots of Mitsuru angst so please don't read any further if you don't like that kind of thing.
Comments are very much appreciated! You can email me at [email protected]
Completed: 12/07/01
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Mitsuru reached over clumsily and hit the snooze button on the alarm clock without even looking at it. He pulled the thick covers back over his head and snuggled closer to the warm body beside him. The cold sunlight of a winter morning streamed through the spaces between the blinds and danced across the floor of the small bedroom.
Shinobu shifted slightly in his lover's arms and couldn't help but smile a little when Mitsuru tightened his hold on the silver-haired man and refused to let him get out of bed.
"Mmmm… Shinobu, not yet…" Mitsuru muttered sleepily his warm breath softly caressing Shinobu's collarbone beneath the covers.
Shinobu pulled away reluctantly and turned towards his sleeping companion. He placed a gentle kiss on Mitsuru's forehead before pulling the covers back abruptly and tugging on Mitsuru's arm to try to get him out of bed. "Come on, Mitsuru. We can't be late."
Mitsuru glared at his lover in mock anger, but the attempt didn't last long. After a few seconds, his violet eyes lit up and he stretched and yawned as he thought about the day ahead of him and rummaged through his closet for the proper suit to wear to work.
A little more than an hour later, it was just about time to leave. Shinobu's office was on the other side of town and so he left a half an hour before Mitsuru in order to get there on time.
"Bye, Mitsuru! I'll see you for dinner tonight, okay?" Shinobu yelled from the entryway as he stacked up some important papers and closed his briefcase.
"Alright! Good luck!" Mitsuru answered from the kitchen.
Shinobu nodded at his companion and smiled at the sparkle in Mitsuru's eyes. Those violet eyes held such love and understanding that he sometimes had difficulty believing that this was all real – that everything he had ever hoped for had come true.
As the door clicked shut, Mitsuru finished rinsing the breakfast dishes and checked the mirror briefly to make sure his hair looked all right. Golden brown bangs fell across his forehead in silky strands.
Mitsuru glanced at the phone in frustration. He had very little time before he had to get going and he had absolutely no idea who would be calling him at this hour.
"Hello?" Mitsuru answered distractedly.
"Mitsuru?"
"Sho? Is everything alright?" His brother's voice sounded uncertain and slightly rough as if he had been crying.
"Mitsuru… It's father…" The younger man continued quietly.
"Oh no… Sho, tell me what happened." Mitsuru wrapped the phone cord around his fingers and twisted it nervously as he waited for his brother to find the right words. His heart was beating quickly in his chest and he couldn't help but hold his breath in fear and anticipation. A million possibilities ran through his head in an instant, but he was not fully prepared for the news once he heard it.
"Father passed away this morning. It was a heart attack."
"…" Mitsuru's eyes widened and he leaned heavily against the wall as he let the information sink in. He didn't know what to say. He had never been in situations like this. He had never asked to be a part of this family and yet that didn't stop the tears from welling up in his eyes or keep his hand from shaking as he grasped the phone desperately and tried to take slow calming breaths and reassure himself.
"Mitsuru, you have to come back. We need you! I don't know what to do without you and Mother is crying and everything is falling apart. Please come back!" Sho's voice sounded desperate by now and it was clear that he was having just as hard a time as Mitsuru dealing with the sudden situation.
"Sho… I can't. I don't belong there. You'll be okay without me." The words came easily to Mitsuru as he said them. He had thought them so many times before and as the words left his lips they seemed to fit somehow. It was the easiest way for him to distant himself from the situation and separate himself from a family's love he never really thought he deserved.
"Mitsuru, please! You don't understand! How can you do this to us? After everything we've given you and everything we've done for you! How could you?"
"I'm sorry, Sho. I can't." Sho's words stung Mitsuru more than he wanted to admit, but he fought to stay in control and keep his voice steady as he repeated the words.
"You're a coward Mitsuru! You're so selfish! I don't care what you do. I just don't care anymore! You can do whatever the hell you want!" Sho didn't even wait for a response from Mitsuru. He slammed the phone down after his last sentence and the dial tone rang out in a long even pitch in Mitsuru's ear.
"I'm sorry, Sho… father…mother… I'm really sorry…" Mitsuru whispered finally even though he knew no one could hear him. They were the most sincere words of the conversation and also the most sorrowful.
Mitsuru replaced the phone on the receiver carefully and stared at the wall for several moments. So many different thoughts were running through his head. A combination of panic and sorrow kept him from moving. He didn't know what to do. His throat ached with words unsaid and tears that he was desperately trying to hold back. He took a deep breath and left the apartment leaving behind his briefcase and any stability that had found its way into his life over the past several years. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore and it didn't seem to him that it ever would again.
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Shinobu sighed and straightened the napkin in his lap one more time as he listened to the sounds of a busy restaurant around him. Waiters and waitresses bustled by taking orders and handing out entrees as Shinobu stared at the empty seat before him. He was worried about Mitsuru. Something wasn't right and he hated not being able to tell exactly what it was. The other man wasn't late yet. He still had a few more minutes before the time they had agreed to meet, but something was definitely wrong. When Shinobu had stopped by the apartment after work to drop off some files and check his messages, he had found a message on the answering machine from Mitsuru's boss asking why Mitsuru hadn't shown up for work that day. That was an hour ago and Shinobu still hadn't heard anything from his friend. He tried to tell himself that everything was fine, but it just wasn't like Mitsuru at all to miss work for no reason.
Shinobu had contemplated wandering the whole city trying to find his missing roommate, but had finally decided that it would be best to just go to the restaurant and wait. If Mitsuru was okay, he would come there at the designated time and everything would work itself out eventually. If he was not okay, wandering the city wouldn't do either of them any good. Such thorough rationalizations, however, did nothing to stop the uneasiness Shinobu felt at that moment and it was with great relief that he finally stood up when he saw Mitsuru make his way to the table.
Shinobu tilted his head slightly and frowned as Mitsuru took the seat across from him. The other man looked awful to say the least. His face was paler than usual and his cheeks were slightly rosy as if he had been out in the cold for too long without a jacket. His violet eyes that usually shone with light and love did not sparkle as much as they usually did. In fact, they seemed rather dim and haunted and there was a redness to them that suggested that he had only recently stopped crying. Shinobu watched with concern as Mitsuru took a sip of water and then looked down at his hands in an effort to avoid Shinobu's gaze.
"Mitsuru? What happened?" Shinobu asked with concern.
Mitsuru looked up at his friend hesitantly. He tried to smile, but it was only a half smile and held none of the emotion that normally shown on his face. In fact, he seemed to be trying very hard to show as little emotion as possible.
"I don't want to talk about it." He finally announced flatly.
"Are you sure? Your boss called."
"I'm fine. Don't worry about it."
"We can go home if you're-"
"I SAID I'M FINE." Mitsuru answered angrily. It sounded more frantic than it did angry as if any more questions would cause him to slip from the delicate grasp he currently had on keeping things in control.
"Alright." Shinobu answered softly deciding not to pursue the issue here, but it still bothered him. He had never seen such pain etched on Mitsuru's face and he had a horrible feeling that it wasn't going to go away any time soon.
The rest of the evening was not much better as Shinobu tried his best to carry on a normal conversation, but only received a series of non-descript answers or distant looks from his love. By the end of the night he had had enough of that and was determined to find out what had happened once they got home. It wasn't supposed to turn into a fight, but emotions were running high on both ends and strained questions turned into shouted words too easily. It started the minute they walked in the door.
"So, if you weren't at work, where were you all day, Mitsuru?" Shinobu asked tersely. He had had just about enough of Mitsuru's evasive answers.
"Does it matter?" Mitsuru answered distantly.
"Of course it does, Mitsuru. You have a commitment to your employer."
"Oh, I see – so this is about business." Mitsuru pursed his lips and frowned at Shinobu.
"No. Mitsuru, you're missing the point." Shinobu sighed again. This was getting out of hand and neither of them was thinking rationally.
"Just leave me alone, Shinobu. I don't want to talk about this tonight!" Mitsuru brushed the thought aside with a wave of his hand and a shake of his head as he rushed towards the bedroom door.
"Then how do you expect me to help you?" Shinobu called after him.
"Maybe, I don't need your help, Shinobu!"
"But, Mitsuru!" Shinobu protested. He was running out of ideas and running low on patience as well. Why wouldn't Mitsuru just tell him what was bothering him? Why did he keep something that was obviously troubling him greatly to himself?
"Stay out of it Shinobu! Please!" Mitsuru slammed the door shut behind him.
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Later that night, Shinobu crept into the room quietly. It was late and he didn't want to disturb Mitsuru. They had never really resolved their argument from earlier, but yelling was the last thing he wanted to do right now. Mitsuru had gone to bed several hours ago and Mitsuru was the one who usually stayed up late. Something was bothering Shinobu about all of this. This didn't feel like an isolated incident and it wasn't going to blow over in a few days. He could feel Mitsuru slipping away from him and he didn’t want to lose him. He wasn’t sure that he could live without his lover and he didn’t want to find out. Mitsuru had always been there for him. Mitsuru seemed to understand so much about him. Shinobu shook his head in the dim light by the door. He wanted to be there for Mitsuru whenever he needed help, but it didn't seem like Mitsuru would let him.
Shinobu undressed quickly and slipped on a pair of smooth pajama bottoms and then buttoned the top. He couldn’t help but smile a little. Mitsuru had given him these for his birthday last year. They really were perfect. They were just a few shades darker than his hair and accented his eyes well.
Shinobu stared down at Mitsuru’s sleeping form on the left side of the bed. He admired the way Mitsuru’s golden brown hair fell across his cheeks and one slim hand came up to rest on the pillow near his cheek. Shinobu bent closer to the young man and lifted a hand to hover just over Mitsuru’s face. He hesitated for a moment. Mitsuru was so beautiful when he was sleeping. There was an innocence about him that had been masked by pain earlier that day.
Shinobu brushed his hand over Mitsuru’s cheek and bent to press his lips against the soft skin there. “I love you, Mitsuru.” He whispered. He held his breath for a moment. He was afraid that Mitsuru might wake up and then he wasn’t sure what would happen. He had said it before and Mitsuru had returned his affections, but their earlier argument made him doubt how the other man felt about him. He was sure Mitsuru would respond with the same "I love you" but he was afraid of the tension that would be hidden in Mitsuru’s voice when he said it - as if it was a confession that he didn’t want to admit to. Shinobu didn’t want to ruin this moment. There was no doubt that Mitsuru loved him. Shinobu just wasn’t sure that Mitsuru believed the opposite was true – at least he didn't seem very sure of that tonight. After all, two people who love each other confide in each other and help one another, don't they?
Shinobu slipped under the covers gently and moved closer to his lover. He just wanted to protect Mitsuru so much and he hated seeing the other man in pain. He just wanted Mitsuru to know that he was there and always would be. They could support each other. That was how it was supposed to be, but Mitsuru was afraid of something. Shinobu needed to find out what that was. Then maybe he would understand. He pulled the covers up closer to cover them both and put one arm around his sleeping friend. He clasped Mitsuru’s hand in his own and closed his eyes.
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A few days later, things still hadn't changed much. Mitsuru was still being just as distant and cold about the situation as he had been that first night, but Shinobu could tell he was still upset.
Shinobu woke up in the morning to the smell of breakfast cooking. He peeked out from under the covers curiously. Was Mitsuru making breakfast? Shinobu sat up and looked over at the alarm clock on the nightstand. He still had plenty of time before he had to get to work and so did Mitsuru. This could be nice. He walked into the kitchen and greeted Mitsuru cheerfully.
“Good Morning, Mitsuru.” Mitsuru turned around in surprise. His eyes widened. He looked down at the plate in his hands just in time to see it fall and shatter on the linoleum floor. He opened his mouth to say something, but he couldn’t find the words.
“I didn’t meant to…really, I didn’t mean to… I’m so sorry…” Mitsuru said weakly as he bent down to pick up the pieces. He grabbed at them franticly unable to get a grasp on them. He hadn't expected Shinobu up so early and he was still a little shaken from the events of earlier that week. Although he would never let Shinobu know, it was his time alone that really got to him. That was when the memories came to the surface and bits of conversations drifted back to him from years ago. There was something comforting about having Shinobu close to him even though he wasn't able to actually share his predicament with his lover. He didn't want to burden Shinobu with his pain anymore than he already had.
“It’s okay, Mitsuru. I’ll get it.” Mitsuru leaned back on his heels and stared as skilled hands delicately picked up the white ceramic pieces one by one and deposited them into the trash. “See. It’s fine. Mitsuru? Are you okay?” Shinobu's voice was laced with unexpected warmth and concern that contrasted sharply with the bitterness of Mitsuru's thoughts.
Mitsuru just stared back at him blankly. His violet eyes held disbelief. Shinobu reached out to offer Mitsuru a helping hand and took in a sharp breath as he saw Mitsuru flinch and his eyes held an instant of fear. It faded away quickly as Mitsuru took the offered hand and stood up, but it worried Shinobu. What did Mitsuru have to be afraid of?
On an impulse, Shinobu stepped closer to his lover and wrapped his arms around him in a warm embrace. He just wanted to get rid of that lost look in his eyes. He just wanted to let Mitsuru know how much he meant to him. He wanted to reassure him somehow. He felt Mitsuru stiffen at first and he was afraid that he had made a mistake, but after a few seconds the young man relaxed and rested his head on Shinobu’s shoulder.
Mitsuru bit his lip and closed his eyes. He wondered briefly how long this would last. How much longer could Shinobu put up with him before he realized what a worthless human being he really was? How much longer could Shinobu love someone who wasn't capable of returning the love in any remotely acceptable way? What would happen when Shinobu saw him the way that Sho saw him and his whole family must see him by now? Despite all of these doubts, Mitsuru couldn't bring himself to pull away from the embrace. No matter how much he wanted to push Shinobu away, he really didn't know what he was going to do without him. He couldn't imagine a life without the man he loved by his side. Mitsuru knew he wasn't perfect, but he really had tried his best with Shinobu and he really did love the other man even if he didn't deserve such a wonderful person. He would miss this when it was gone and he already hated himself for having to give it up. He would hate the day when he would have to walk out on the only person who had ever really meant this much to him and he would hate the expression on Shinobu's face when it happened. He hoped that Shinobu would be angry because Mitsuru was pretty sure he could handle that better than sadness. No matter what the expression, he would never be able to forget it. He thought about all of these things as he laid his head on Shinobu's shoulder and cherished the simple gesture of wrapping his arms around the man that he loved.
Shinobu didn't really understand what was going on. He smiled slightly at the small victory, but knew that things were still not so simple and were nowhere nearer to a resolution. He ran his hand down Mitsuru’s back and held him a little closer. They stood there for a few moments and Shinobu could feel Mitsuru’s heart beating faster. He let go carefully and looked into Mitsuru’s eyes. His expression was unreadable, but it was also different than it had been for a while. It seemed to have softened a little bit and Shinobu was thankful for that.
“Breakfast is ready.” Mitsuru said quietly as they pulled away from each other and Shinobu nodded. Mitsuru brought two trays over to the small kitchen table and set them down. They ate in silence. Shinobu wanted to believe it was a comfortable silence, but he wasn’t really sure. Every time he looked up at Mitsuru, the other man’s eyes would dart back down to his plate as if he had been staring at Shinobu the moment before, but he couldn’t meet his gaze. Shinobu took a deep breath. He had to do this sometime. Now was as good as ever. “Mitsuru, what’s wrong?”
Mitsuru looked up at Shinobu questioningly. “Everything is fine.” Mitsuru smiled wanly and nodded to reassure himself just as much as Shinobu. He didn’t want to talk about this now. The longer he could put it off, the better. He wasn't ready to say goodbye yet, but if Shinobu pushed too hard he would have to leave.
Shinobu sighed and pushed his chair back from the table. He set his plate on the counter and put a hand on Mitsuru’s shoulder. “Mitsuru,” he said patiently, “I only want to help.”
Mitsuru closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It was so tempting to just give in to those comforting words and tell him everything, but in the end things would never work out. Mitsuru was sure of it and he couldn't risk hurting Shinobu any more than he would already have to. “I don’t need your help.” He said without emotion. “It’s nothing.” The last words were terse and cutting. He seemed to be trying to hold something back. Shinobu couldn’t tell if it was tears or anger, but he didn’t have the time or the patience to find out. He wondered if this was worth it. As soon as the thought crossed his mind he regretted it and hoped that it didn’t show on his face. Of course, it was worth it. This was Mitsuru. This was the man that he loved. He bit his lip. He would do anything to help Mitsuru, but he was afraid that there was nothing he could do in this situation. Mitsuru had to want the help and he clearly did not. Shinobu walked out of the kitchen without looking back. He needed to get to work.
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Later that evening, the two friends met each other outside their apartment and headed up the stairs together. They usually arrived home at around the same time, but it was rare for them to meet at just this moment. Shinobu unlocked the door and stepped aside to let Mitsuru in.
"Hey, Mitsuru. There's a new message on the answering machine." Shinobu announced as he walked into the kitchen. Mitsuru followed closely behind him.
"Oh? I'm not expecting any calls."
"It's probably just an advertisement." Shinobu answered nonchalantly as he pressed the play button on the answering machine and walked away from it. The machine beeped once and then began to play the message.
"Hey, Mitsuru. It's me, Sho."
Everything seemed to come to a crashing halt as the words rang out in the small room. Mitsuru froze where he was standing and stared at the answering machine with wide eyes. He looked like he wanted to run, but his feet were planted firmly on the ground. There was no particular emotion evident on his face. Several things danced through his head at once. He wondered briefly at the hesitation in his younger brother's voice and the stark contrast to the bitterness and anger of the previous conversation. He wanted to stop the message, but he knew it was too late. Soon Shinobu would know everything and he would have to leave. Sho might sound a little friendly, but Mitsuru was sure that the kind words would soon turn to accusations of betrayal and hatred and he wasn't at all ready to bear that kind of strain in front of Shinobu. His heart beat quickly in his chest and he clenched his fists at his sides as he waited for the rest of the message.
It took Shinobu a few seconds to realize that something was wrong. Mitsuru was standing a few feet away and he looked absolutely terrified. Shinobu stood halfway between the answering machine and his lover and looked back and forth between the two of them while Sho's voice continued to play.
"I just wanted to let you know that… I just…
Mitsuru, I'm sorry. I didn't mean any of the things I said before. Mom reminded
me how wonderful you really are and how much we all love you…"
Sho's voice shook with emotion and he paused for a moment to gather his thoughts. Shinobu glanced over to see that all of the color had drained from Mitsuru's face and he was clutching his hand tightly around the back of the chair in front of him. His violet eyes shimmered with tears that had not yet fallen and the expression on his face carried so many different emotions that it was difficult to separate the joy from the sadness. They were both there, evident in his gaze and the tears now streaming down his face.
Shinobu wanted to reach out to him and comfort him, but he knew that he should wait for the end of the message. He still wasn't exactly sure what was going on, but he could tell that this was an important moment for Mitsuru and he did not want to interrupt it.
"We love you Mitsuru and we want you to follow your
own path, but please don't forget about us. Call me back when you get the
chance. There's a lot more we need to talk about. Goodbye."
Shinobu stepped closer to Mitsuru as the answering machine beeped to signify the end of the message. He placed a gentle hand on his friend's shoulder and pulled him into a much-needed embrace.
Mitsuru's next words were barely above a whisper and they seemed to come from far away. “I’m sorry… I was only trying to… I don’t know how…” Mitsuru shook his head sadly and Shinobu wasn't exactly sure if the words were meant for him or Sho or someone else entirely. It didn't matter though. Right now, all Shinobu wanted to do was let Mitsuru know that he was there for him. The other man had been so distant lately that Shinobu was afraid their relationship was starting to lose some of the things that had always made it so special – trust and understanding. Now the barriers melted away in an instant as Mitsuru clung to Shinobu tightly and his shoulders shook with unrestrained sobs.
After a while, Mitsuru pulled away a little and Shinobu brought one hand up to brush Mitsuru's golden brown bangs away from his sparkling gaze.
"I love you, Mitsuru." Violet eyes shone with an uncertainty that took Shinobu’s breath away.
“Why?” Mitsuru whispered brokenly.
Nothing seemed to make sense anymore and he could no longer be sure that the man standing in front of him would always be there despite his insistent promises unless he knew for certain what meaning they carried. Mitsuru had to know how someone as perfect as Shinobu could ever love someone as flawed as him. He didn't want to spend the rest of his life waiting for the end to come and waiting for Shinobu to realize that he was better off somewhere else, but Mitsuru also didn't want to let go. He desperately wanted to hold on to any little bit of their relationship that he could and make the most of it while it lasted. Shinobu wanted more than that, though. He saw an eternal future in the man standing before him and he wasn't about to let any misplaced doubts or uncertainty stand in their way. He thought about all of those things and the many times that Mitsuru had helped him through tough times of his own as he took both of his love's hands in his own and was surprised to find that they were shaking.
“I just do, Mitsuru. I love you with everything I have. I would do anything for you. Please, why can’t you understand that?” Shinobu closed his eyes and bent his head as he stood before Mitsuru. If that didn’t do it, he didn’t have anything else to offer.
The silence seemed to envelope them before Mitsuru spoke and shattered it into tiny pieces. “I… I…” Mitsuru stepped closer to Shinobu and wrapped his arms around his lover. He leaned his forehead against the young man’s shoulder and tried to finish the sentence that he so desperately needed to get out. “I… I’m sorry, Shinobu. I’m sorry for everything. I was afraid.” Mitsuru shook his head and looked away from his friend. “I guess I still am.” His voice shook as he spoke and he seemed to be searching very carefully for the right words.
"I am here Mitsuru and I always will be. I want to love you. I want to give you a place to come home to, arms to feel safe in, and love. I want to show you how wonderful and special you are to me. Won’t you let me? Please?” Shinobu looked down at the carpet and let his blue-gray bangs obscure his eyes as he waited for a response. He let out the deep breath that he didn’t even know he was holding in as he felt Mitsuru's arms wrap around him again.
“I love you, too Shinobu. I love you so much.” He shook his head and leaned against Shinobu’s chest as the tears continued. He couldn’t hold on anymore. He needed this. Someone who understood him and wouldn’t judge him. Someone who wouldn’t leave him. He pulled Shinobu closer to him. He needed him to be as close as possible. He clung to the young man for support and didn’t want to let go. “Can we start over?” He said softly as the tears subsided and he looked up into Shinobu’s eyes. Shinobu smiled gently and nodded. "Sho called last week…"
~Owari~
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