Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin. All of the characters are the property of their respective owners.

Why should I care if you
Found somebody new
And you look like you’re in love

“Sano?”

“Kenshin. Is that you?”

“Hai.”

“ It’s so good to see you again.”

“You, too.”

“Oh, Kenshin. This is my wife, Sakura. Sakura this is Himura Kenshin. We knew each other a long time ago.”

“Nice to meet you.”

I wince at the introduction. We knew each other once. I guess you could say that, but it was so much more wasn’t it? Didn’t you love me once, Sano? I shake my head. That doesn’t matter now. That’s over. Things are different now. Who would have thought I’d be the one to end up all alone?

“Why don’t you join us, Kenshin?”

“No. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t want to interrupt anything.”

“Nonsense. We have a lot of catching up to do. Please sit down.”

I sit across from them reluctantly. They look so happy together. She is blushing slightly as she looks up into his eyes. He squeezes her hand and smiles. I thank the waitress as she brings us more sake and I down mine quickly. This is harder than I thought it would be.

Every time he looks into her eyes I feel an ache in my own soul. Why? I never felt this way before. I never thought I would see you again, Sano. I never thought it would end up like this. I never thought she would leave me. I look down at my hands and blink back tears. I guess I’m not over that yet either. I hope he doesn’t ask me about her.

“Kenshin, daijobou?” I look up hesitantly. I guess I wasn’t paying attention.

“Hai.” I try to smile. I’m not sure that I convince him, but it doesn’t seem to matter. He’s not interested in me. He puts his arm around his wife and whispers something in her ear. It shouldn’t matter to me. I know that it shouldn’t matter to me, but I can’t help it. I take in a sharp breath as her eyes dart over to me and back down at the table. I wonder what he told her. They’re probably just waiting for me to leave so they can be alone together. I am just in their way.

And Why should I care if she
Looks a lot like me
And she’s all you ever dreamed of

I find myself drifting off onto the past as I stare at the flickering lamp on the table. Sano is telling me about his job. I smile and nod, but I am not really paying attention. I glance up at his wife occasionally. In the soft glow of the lamplight I cannot see her very clearly. Her eyes sparkle as she laughs at something that Sano says. They are blue – almost violet – just a few shades away. I laugh a little so they think I heard them. Her hair is long and pulled back. The eyes are so similar. I wonder if it means anything. After all this time, could he still feel something for me?

I didn’t care
Enough to keep you around
So tell me
Why should I care now?
I was the one who let you go.
I never told you that I loved you.
I couldn’t promise anything
The way you needed me too.
Oh my heart was never really there
So why should I care
Why should I care?
I just do.

I shiver at the coldness in his eyes as he looks up at me. It is only there for the briefest moment, but he cannot hide it completely. He grins and offers me more sake. I accept and ask him to continue his story. He looks over at his wife and she nods. She must have heard it many times before. I take a deep breath and look up at him as he begins. His eyes sparkle and I can’t help but appreciate the way that time has been so kind to him. I wonder what he thinks of me. I am older now, but I have always looked younger than I really am. People still mistake me for a young man, until they see my eyes. I have been told that my eyes hold the secret to my age and my experience. I close them and bend my head. There are so many memories. I have to get out of here.

“I’m sorry, Sano. I have to go. It was good to see you again.”

“I understand. Goodbye, Kenshin.”

“It was nice to meet you Sakura-san.”

I leave some money on the table. It is probably too much, but I don’t care right now. I bow graciously and turn to go. The room dances before me as I feel tears well up in my eyes. There’s nothing left. I rush out of the restaurant and hope that he doesn’t notice how shaken I am. I glance back and feel my heart ache as I see that he is caught up in a lively conversation with his wife. He doesn’t notice me at all. I cling to the doorframe for a moment. I suddenly feel a little uneasy on my feet. The last few years have been tough on me. I’m not as strong as I used to be. I think back to how much sake I had and try to pull myself together. I better find somewhere to stay for the night. I am just a rurouni now. I have no real home anymore. I find the nearest inn and pay for a night’s stay. I hate to waste the money. I have very little, but I don’t want to be alone tonight. I need to know there is someone in the next room or down the hall. I am afraid of what I will do otherwise.

So why should I care if I
Mean nothing in your eyes
What you felt for me is gone
Oh and why would I feel that way
Now that it’s too late
To change what I did wrong?

I turn over again. The floor seems so cold and lonely tonight. I finally give up and sit up leaning against the wall the way that I used to keep guard. My hand moves to my sakabatou unknowingly and I wait for something to happen. After a few minutes I relax and let my mind wander. I know that I shouldn’t do that. I know I am just asking for trouble, but my mind drifts back to his face at dinner. He felt nothing for me. He didn’t care about me at all. I think that even friendship would be too strong of a word to describe the way he seems me now. I am surprised he even admitted to knowing me. I suddenly realize that my cheeks are wet with tears. I had not realized that I was crying. I try to wipe them away, but they keep coming. He seemed so happy with her. I should be happy for him. I should be happy for them all. Everyone’s lives turned out great. Why am I being so selfish? I don’t deserve love anyway. I don’t care anymore. I shouldn’t care anymore. I bring my knees up closer to me and rest my head on them as I continue to sob. This is so pathetic. Why am I crying? I knew what I was doing all those years ago when I told him goodbye. I just wanted him to be happy and now he is. Why do I feel so horrible? Why do I feel so alone? The emptiness of the room answers me back and I shake my head bitterly.

Oh I didn’t care
Enough to keep you around
So baby tell me why should I care now?
I was the one who let you go.
I never told you that I loved you.
I couldn’t promise anything
The way you needed me to.
Oh my heart was never really there
So why should I care
Why should I care?
Well I just do.

Of all of us, why did I end up all alone? I guess I know the answer to that one. I pushed them away. I know I did. Why would anyone love me? I still remember our last night together. You asked me to choose and I chose her. I was so stupid. I didn’t hesitate at all. I knew what I wanted. I was the one who let you go and it didn’t bother me back then. I felt bad about the hurt in your eyes, but I wasn’t surprised by it. I knew that you loved me. You told me many times, but I never answered back. I couldn’t answer you. I knew that I couldn’t love you. We weren’t supposed to be together. Eventually, you left me and I found myself with her. She was so much younger than me. I don’t know why I ever thought it would work. Kaoru-dono loved me so much, but she didn’t really know what she was getting into. She didn’t know much about me. I held on to her for as long as I could. I’m still not sure if I loved her. I was sad when she left me, but I wasn’t heartbroken. I was alone. Kaoru has someone. Sano has someone. I have no one. I shake my head again as my thoughts return to the present. I can’t blame them. It’s not their fault.

Oh my heart was never really there
So why should I care
Why should I care?
Well I just do.
Yeah I just do.
And baby I just do.

I never tried very hard to keep either of them. I never let them know how I really felt. I don’t know why it took me this long to realize it and now it is too late. I laugh bitterly. After all these years it still hurts to be alone. After Tomoe I thought that I would never need anyone again, but I guess I was wrong. I loved him and I loved her. Each in a different way perhaps, but I wasn’t smart enough to hold on to either one. Now I sit here alone in the dark feeling sorry for myself. What have I become? What has happened to me? Have I forgotten about what I set out to do? I am supposed to protect others. This has nothing to do with me. I don’t matter anymore, but I am so tired of fighting. I am so tired. I feel my head fall back against the wall and I let my eyelids fall as I give in to the sleep that calls me. I am afraid of the nightmares that will find me in the dark. I am more afraid of what I will wake up to. I know that I will still be alone. I shiver in the night.

I open my eyes grudgingly. The light hurts. It must be later than I thought it was. I wince at its brightness as I struggle to sit up. I blink at my surroundings. I am not in the inn anymore. I don’t know where I am.

“Ah. You’re finally awake. Are you feeling any better?”

A young girl with bluish-black hair leans closer to me and I look up at her in confusion.

“Where… where am I?” I put a hand to my head and try to think back to the night before.

“Shhh… everything is going to be alright.” She puts a hand on my shoulder as I try to stand and am overcome by dizziness. “Just stay seated. The doctor will be with you in a minute. Would you like some water?”

I nod and close my eyes. I wonder how I got here. I am met with an image of Sano smiling beside his wife and I open my eyes again quickly. I feel an emptiness within me as I remember that scene. It seems like so long ago. I know it was just last night. I have been alone for so long. I look up as I feel a hand on my shoulder.

“Kenshin?” I hear a soft voice say.

I look up to see Megumi staring at me questioningly. The younger woman is standing beside her with a cup of water. She hands it to me carefully and I take it gratefully. My hands shake a little as I bring the liquid to my lips and gulp it thankfully. I hadn’t realized how thirsty I was until that moment. I put the cup on the table and thank the young woman. She nods and leaves the two of us alone.

Megumi sits down beside me. She takes one of my hands in hers and looks over at me sincerely.

“Kenshin. Do you remember me?”

I laugh bitterly. I’m not that old. I haven’t forgotten her. I haven’t forgotten any of those memories. I just don’t think about them very often. The warmth of them hurts compared to the bitter cold of my life now.

“Hai, Megumi-dono. I remember you. How have you been?” She smiles and I see a mix of relief and pity wash over her face. I want to get out of there. I don’t need other people to worry about me.

She shakes her head. “Let’s not talk about me. Right now I’m more worried about you. Kenshin, do you know why you’re here?”

I look down at my hands. I suddenly feel guilty for some reason. “Ie.”

“Kenshin, when the innkeeper found you this morning he couldn’t wake you up. You looked like you had been crying. Kenshin, when was the last time you ate a good meal?”

I can’t meet her gaze. I am ashamed. I am a rurouni. It had been a long time since I had had a good meal. It had been a long time since I had had any food at all. The world was not kind to wandering samurai in this new era. We were somehow left behind.

I feel her hand on my shoulder again. “That’s what I thought. Kenshin, why don’t you stay with me for a few days? You could use the rest and I could use the company. It’s been a long time.”

I am surprised to hear the sadness in her voice. I thought everyone but me was so happy. I thought everyone’s lives had turned out great. Maybe I was wrong. She leans over and gives me a hug. I don’t know how to respond. I lift one arm and hold her gently. I am disappointed when she lets go. She is so warm. She smiles and I see tears in her eyes before she quickly blinks them back.

She offers her hand to me as she stands up. “Come on, Kenshin. We have a lot of catching up to do.” I stand carefully and she lets me lean against her as the room spins a little. I feel a little better as I hold on to her for support. I don’t feel quite so alone anymore. There are so many things that I want to ask her, but I know that I will have time. Now I focus on putting one foot in front of the other as she leads me to the bathhouse.

I insist that I can wash myself and she leaves me alone with some clean clothes to put on once I am finished. I know she is worried about me. It is strange to have someone worry about me again. I am not used to it. It has been so long. I feel better after I am clean and I get dressed quickly so that I can rejoin Megumi.

I smell something cooking and I feel my stomach growl. I am hungrier than I thought I was. It has been a long time since I have eaten and I know that this meal will be special because I am not alone anymore. I wonder who will be joining us. I lost contact with Megumi after Kaoru left. I don’t remember ever hearing that she had a husband, but I am not sure. I don’t know how old she is. I know that she is older than Kaoru, but I don’t know how much older. I know she has been through a lot.

Megumi greets me cheerfully as I enter the room. I waver a little on my feet, but I try not to let it show too much. I know she notices, but she pretends to ignore it. I am grateful. She offers me the spot next to her at the table and I sit beside her. The young woman I met earlier sits across from me. Megumi starts to spoon out food into the dishes. I stare at the empty spot at the table and wonder if anyone else will be joining us. There are only three sets of dishes. I look back at Megumi and feel embarrassed when I realize that she saw me staring. She seems to brush it off quickly and smiles as she hands me my food. I wait patiently for her to finish the other two plates. I do not wish to be rude. I am already intruding by just being here. I am sure that she doesn’t make much money as a doctor and I hate to be a bother. She nudges me and I guess I wasn’t paying attention again.

“It’s alright, Kenshin. Please go ahead and eat. There is plenty of food.”

I nod gratefully and I wonder how she knew what I was thinking. I guess she knows me well. I try to eat slowly, but it tastes so good. I am very hungry. I finish three bowls of rice and several pieces of fish before I start to feel guilty. I realize that Megumi and the other girl have finished long ago and they are just waiting for me. I receive another knowing glance from Megumi as she gives me more rice and assures me that it is alright.

“It’s okay, Kenshin. Please eat as much as you’d like.”

I finally decide that I have had enough and I thank Megumi for the dinner. It is such a strange feeling to know that there is more food. This will not be my last meal for days. I am so used to trying to save as much as possible for another day and another meal.

She gathers the dishes and I offer to help her clean up, but she shakes her head. “Don’t worry, Kenshin. Misako and I can get it.”

I nod. At least I know her name now. I wonder who she is. She looks a lot like Megumi. She has the same hair and the same eyes.

“I’ll take care of it, okaasan.”

Megumi smiles at her and agrees. “Thank you, Misako.”

I feel myself smile as I catch on. She is Megumi’s daughter. The food is warm and makes me sleepy. I fight to keep my eyes open. I hate to be an improper guest. I cannot sleep so soon. Megumi must realize that I am tired. She offers her hand as she invites me to sit closer to the fire. I smile and accept the offer. I am a little shaky on my feet, but I make it over to the fire without much help from her.

We stare at the flames together and I feel like this is a very important moment in my life. I am not sure why. There is something very right about it. The warmth of the fire is getting to me. I am having trouble keeping my eyes open. I am so tired. I feel myself fall against her and I am ashamed that I could not stay awake any longer. She has been such a good hostess. The least I could do was… I drift off as I feel her wrap her arms around me and whisper something softly to me.

“Oh, Kenshin. It’s so good to see you.” I feel the darkness fall around me and I am a little afraid that I will wake up to find this has all been a dream.

I open my eyes carefully. I can hear noises from the next room. Megumi and Misako must be awake. I blink at the sun shining and I wonder what time of day it is. It must be late afternoon. I sit up slowly and am pleased that I feel rested. It has been a long time since I felt this good. I will have to thank Megumi. She has been so nice to me. I still can’t believe how much better I feel to have her company. I know that I will have to leave soon. I am a rurouni. I cannot stay. I do not want to leave yet. Maybe I could stay for a little while longer. I am pretty sure that Megumi wouldn’t let me leave yet anyway.

I stare at her from the doorway. She is helping a patient. The years seem to have softened her a little bit and I can’t believe how beautiful she is. She does seem happy. I wonder what her secret is. She looks up at me and she smiles. I treasure that smile. I am not sure that I deserve it, but I know that it was meant for me. I wish that I could capture that moment forever.

I turn around quickly as I hear a noise behind me. Misako stares at me wide-eyed and I apologize. I did not realize that she was there. She takes my hand and leads me to the other room.

“Himura-san. Okaasan is busy now. Would you like something to eat? You missed lunch.”

I look over at her hesitantly. “Hai.” She hands me a plate of something left over from the meal and I eat it slowly. “Arigatou.” I say as I hand it back to her. I wonder what she thinks of me. She seems a little scared of me and I don’t know why. I wish that she would stop looking at me like that. I don’t know what she thinks I will do to her. I would never hurt her. I would never hurt anyone intentionally. I look down at my hands again and wonder why I had to bring up that memory again. I see Sano’s eyes looking at me accusingly on the last night we spent together as he rushes out of the door and heads back to his house. I know that I have broken his heart. I close the door behind him and return to my bed. It didn’t bother me then as much as it does now. I feel tears well up in my eyes again and I am ashamed that I could come this close to crying in front of someone who has been so kind to me. I blink back the tears and try to sit up straight. I can tell that she is uncomfortable around me. I wonder how much she knows about me.

“Do you mind if I sit down?” She asks cautiously.

“Ie, of course not.” I say softly as she sits beside me.

“I’m sorry, I don’t think we were ever introduced. I’m Misako. And you’re Himura Kenshin right?”

“Hai.” I smile slightly. “Arigatou for everything. I really appreciate it.”

She blushes slightly and looks down. “It’s nothing.” She pauses for a moment and I can tell that she wants to say more, but she’s not sure if she should. “I want to thank you, too. I know that okaasan is happy to have you here.” She looks up at me sincerely and I look away. It’s been so long since anyone wanted me anywhere. I feel her hand on my shoulder and I turn back towards her. I start to apologize, but I can’t. I shake my head and try to brush it off.

“Daijobou?” She asks hesitantly. She looks worried about me. I am struck by how much this stranger could care about me.

“Don’t worry about me.” I say quietly. “Tell me a little about yourself.”

She smiles and looks over at me. She shrugs and says, “There’s not much to tell. I help okaasan with the patients and I hope to take over for her someday.” Her eyes shine with that dream and I can tell how much she means it. I hope that it all comes true for her. She seems so deserving of it.

I pat her hand softly and tell her this. “I hope you will.”

She smiles and turns towards the fire. “What about you? I don’t know much about you.”

I pull away for a moment. I don’t like to talk about myself. I never know what to say and lately there have been so many painful memories. Maybe she can tell, but she doesn’t push me on the subject. We stare at the fire for a few more minutes and then she stands to go.

“I have to help okaasan close up. I’ll be back soon.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

“I don’t think so.”

I sigh. I wish that I could do more. I guess I should realize that they don’t really need me. No one really needs me anymore.

I wonder how old Misako is. I am kind of surprised to see that Megumi has a child. I never knew she was involved with anyone. I never heard anything from Kaoru or anyone else. Misako had to be at least fourteen. Has it really been that long since I last saw Megumi? I shake my head. The time has gone by so fast. I look up when I hear Megumi and Misako come in. I smile at them and stand up to greet them.

“Well, hello Kenshin. Are you feeling any better?” Megumi asks as she smiles back at me.

“Hai. Arigatou for everything Megumi-dono.”

She shakes her head and insists that I call her Megumi.

I comply. “Can I help you with anything Megumi?”

I can tell that she is not sure how to answer that. She probably thinks that I won’t be much help with anything. I wonder when I started being more of a burden than anything else. She seems to reconsider after a moment and smiles at me.

“Sure, Kenshin. Why don’t you help me prepare dinner?” I nod as she gestures towards Misako. Misako nods and leaves the room. I wonder where she is going, but I decide to follow Megumi.

Dinner is simple tonight. I’m not sure if it is because I am helping or if it was planned before this. It does not take us long to prepare the ingredients and bring them in to serve. Megumi spoons food into two dishes and sets them on the table.

“Isn’t Misako-dono joining us this evening?” I ask hesitantly.

She smiles. “Ie. She wanted to go to a friend’s house tonight and I thought we could use the opportunity to talk a little bit.”

She looks down at her food. I wonder how she is able to remain so calm. There is a contentment in everything that she does. I find myself envying her and wondering what her secret is. Then I remember what her daughter told me. Megumi must get lonely sometimes. I’m sure it must be difficult for her on her own.

We eat quietly, but it is a comfortable silence. Despite the years that have gone by, we know each other well. When dinner is over, I help her clear away the dishes and wash them. We lay them aside and sit by the fire. I think back to last night and feel bad for falling asleep so soon that time. She probably wanted to talk. She probably wants to know how long I will be here and what I am planning to do once I leave. I start to say something, but she speaks first.

“Kenshin, what have you been doing since I last saw you? It’s been so long.”

I start to answer, but I cannot find the words. How much does she know? How much do I have to explain? I am not sure that I can explain it all. I shrug and she must see that I am uncertain.

“It’s okay Kenshin. I know about Kaoru. We see each other every now and then.”

I am relieved. “Well… since then, I’ve just been wandering.”

I say it quietly. It is hard for me to admit. It seems so trivial when I say it out loud. Is this what my life has come to?

She shakes her head and looks over at me. “You’re still trying to protect people aren’t you?”

I nod solemnly. I am not sure where she is going with this. I wonder if this was a mistake. Maybe she doesn’t understand. Maybe I should just leave now.

“But somewhere along the way, you forgot about yourself.” She says softly.

I am no longer sure that she is talking to me. She is staring at the fire and I wonder if she is waiting for a response from me. It is true that I have forgotten about myself, but it was a conscious decision in many ways. I do not matter. It is only the others that are important. I am only repenting for the horrible acts that I have committed. My happiness has nothing to do with it.

She smiles sadly and I see her eyes glimmer with tears as she looks over at me. “We have a lot in common, Kenshin. Especially now, after all these years. We ended up alone.”

She is holding one of my hands and I feel hers tremble. I do not know what to do. I have never been very good at comforting people and I am still not sure what she is trying to say. How is she like me? She seems so happy and I am so…. I am so unhappy. I need to convey this to her somehow. I need to make her see how lucky she is.

“Megumi, you are not alone. You have Misako-dono.”

She smiles at me and nods. “True and she is wonderful, but sometimes I am still so unhappy.”

I look at her in disbelief. I wish there was something I could do. “Why?” I say softly. I am surprised when she laughs quietly.

“You really don’t know do you? Kenshin, sometimes you….” She broke off there as tears took over. I hold her close to me and whisper words of comfort, but I have no idea what is wrong. I hope that she will tell me soon. If it has anything to do with me I will do anything I can to fix it. I don’t want to be responsible for another person’s unhappiness.

Finally, she stops crying and looks up at me again. “Gomen, Kenshin. I don’t know why I’m crying. It’s been so long. I really should be over you.”

My eyes widen. Did she just say what I think she said? It can’t be. After everything that I’ve done. How can she…? No. It can’t be. She must have seen my surprise. I see her struggle to find the words to go on.

“Gomen, Kenshin. I guess you really didn’t know.”

I stare at her in disbelief. If I had known, I would have done something. After all this time, how could she still feel that way? I always knew she liked me a little, but I thought it was mostly an act and after Kaoru left me I never considered that she might still feel that way.

“Megumi-dono… Megumi, I don’t know what to say. Gomen nasaii. I had no idea.”

Megumi smiled at me. “I know Kenshin. Don’t worry about it. You’re here now and that’s all that matters. It was a long time ago. I thought that I was over it. I really did. Somehow seeing you again has brought up all of these old feelings.”

I shift uneasily. I know what that’s like. That’s how I felt when I saw Sanosuke. I don’t want to think about that now. This is not the time. “Demo, Megumi, you must have…” I shrug. I am not sure how to continue. “What about Misako-dono?”

She laughs again. “Oh Kenshin, it was just one night. I don’t even remember his name. It was so long ago. It was when you were with Kaoru. She’s almost sixteen now.”

“Sixteen.” I say breathlessly. I can’t believe it has been that long.

“Kenshin, we’re not young anymore. Why don’t you stay here with me? I don’t think I could bare being alone again.”

I start to protest. There are so many reasons that I should go. I know there must be many reasons, but as I look up into her eyes I can’t think of one. I want to stay. “Hai. I will, Megumi-dono. I want to very much.”

Then it all fell apart. I guess we had both held it in so long. I don’t know which of us shed the first tear, but soon we were in each other’s arms and we were consoling each other. Tears streamed down our cheeks, but I smiled briefly as I looked into her eyes again. Maybe we could be happy. After all this time, maybe we could do something for ourselves. I don’t know what I am doing, but it feels right. I brush the tears from her cheeks and press my lips against hers. I feel her hesitate at first, but after a moment she gives in to the kiss. I move my lips against hers and I hold her close to me. She has her arms around me too and I can feel myself getting lost in the moment. I feel her hands in my hair and I want this to last forever.