Within a few minutes, Shu, Ryo, and Touma were gathered at the table with Shin.

“Where are Seiji and Nasty?” Shu asked.

“They went out again.” Ryo said flatly. It was their fifth date so far and everything seemed to be going great – at least for them. Why did Ryo feel so awful? “I thought I was over him. I thought I gave up on him a long time ago,” he thought to himself.

They seem so great together. I’m so glad they found each other.” Touma said between mouthfuls of rice.

“Me too.” Ryo muttered.

“Gee, you’re in a good mood tonight. What’s wrong?” Touma turned to face Ryo and looked at him expectantly. It wasn’t like Ryo to be sarcastic like this.

“Oh nothing… just tired I guess.” Ryo shook his head and put a hand on his temple. The gesture seemed to satisfy the blue-haired warrior and he continued the previous topic of conversation. Ryo sighed. Had he really been so obvious? He’d have to work on that.

“They’re really getting serious aren’t they?” Shin added.

“Yeah. I can’t believe it, but I think Seiji’s in love.” Touma chuckled and shook his head.

“What makes you say that?” Ryo said weakly. He hoped the question had not sounded as pleading as it felt. Please don’t let it be true.

“Oh come on, Ryo, haven’t you noticed?” Shu found it hard to believe that anyone could have missed the signs. “Last night, when he came in, he was humming!”

Shin smiled and tried to imitate the sound of Seiji’s exuberance.

Shu laughed and patted Shin on the back, “That’s it – that’s him exactly! Ha, ha, ha, ha!”

Ryo glared at his plate and slowly pushed his food around from one side to the other. When everyone else had finished, he took the plates from the table. Shin, Shu and Touma headed off to watch television and Ryo stayed behind to clean up. It was his turn and welcomed the silence of the empty kitchen. He tried desperately to push back the thoughts that invaded his mind. Unspoken secrets and hidden desires forced their way to the surface and Ryo found himself fighting to hold back the emotions that wanted to come out.

Later that night, he sat on the edge of his bed and stared out his window. The room was dark and lonely – he could think better that way – at least that’s what he kept telling himself. In truth the dark enveloped him and empathized with the loneliness he felt deep inside. His thoughts kept drifting back to the blond swordsman and how much he wanted to hear Seiji say his name. The stars were beautiful tonight. The sky was so dark blue in some places that it almost matched the deep purple of Seiji’s eyes.

Ryo shook his head and closed his eyes. He had to think of something else. Sleep would not come and dawn was hours away. His eyes glistened with tears that would not fall. Small droplets of salty sadness gathered on his long dark lashes, but he wiped them away quickly. The dampness that came away on his hands served as a painful reminder of what he was trying so hard to forget.

Just as he was about to give up the fight and succumb to spiraling sadness, he heard a soft knock at the door. He opened it cautiously and was surprised to see Seiji standing there in his pumpkin-printed pajamas. His eyes sparkled in the moonlight and his delicate blond hair seemed slightly ruffled. “I’m sorry to bother you Ryo. I hope I didn’t wake you. I couldn’t sleep and there’s something I wanted to ask you.”

“It's okay, Seiji. I don’t mind. Is something wrong?” Ryo stood in the shadows and hoped Seiji couldn’t see the remnants of his tears.

It was times like this that Ryo hated his imagination. He should have dismissed his fantasies and concerned himself with the present reality, but a part of him dared to hope that Seiji would finally reveal that he loved Ryo as much as Ryo loved him. He knew he was setting himself up for tremendous heartbreak and let down, but his heart wouldn’t listen. Why else would Seiji come here so late at night? He waited in with anticipation for Seiji’s answer.

“Ryo… um… you see…”

“Go ahead, Seiji.”

“Nasty wants me to take her dancing and I don’t know how. Could you help?”

Ryo stepped back a little in defeat. He should have seen it coming. His smile disappeared and the sparkle in his eyes quickly faded.

“Why me?” he asked to no one in particular, but Seiji mistook it as a response and tried to answer.

“Ryo, I’ve seen you dance. You’re good and I don’t want anyone else to know. Can I count on you to keep a secret?”

Ryo stood there and stared in disbelief. “If only Seiji knew how many secrets I keep.” Ryo’s thought echoed in his mind.

“Of course.”

“Ryo, are you okay? You look pale.”

“I’m fine.” He said quickly, but it didn’t sound very convincing. What was the point? He suddenly felt such a deep despair that it was hard to concentrate on keeping up appearances.

Seiji took his hand and Ryo leaned heavily on him as Seiji helped him to bed. “I think you should get some rest, Ryo. I’ll talk to you more about this in the morning. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.” Ryo whispered and pulled the covers close to him as Seiji left the room. Ryo wasn’t sure what to think. His heart seemed determined not to let this go. Despite all of the pain the situation had caused him, a part of Ryo was overjoyed at the prospect of spending even one extra minute with Seiji. Being close to something you can never have is not much comfort, he reminded himself. Sometimes he wished they weren’t friends at all because friendship gave a false sense of companionship. It was only a few rungs down from what Ryo hoped for, but it was still a long reach between the two.

Ryo woke up the next morning just as the sun was beginning to peak out from behind the horizon. It was early, but Ryo was hungry – probably because he hadn’t eaten any of his dinner the night before. He stumbled out of bed and made his way to the kitchen to search for food.

“Good morning, Ryo. Are you feeling any better?” Seiji looked up at Ryo from the kitchen table.

Ryo wanted to say, “No. I keep my love for you locked deep inside my heart and sometimes it hurts so much because I yearn to tell you how I feel. I ache to touch your smooth skin or press my lips to yours. I would die to hear you say just three words to me and I die every time I hear you say them to someone else.”, but instead he shrugged, grabbed a bowl and a box of cereal and sat across from Seiji at the table.

Seiji looked at him puzzled and then laughed softly. “Ryo, I will never understand you. I think that’s what I like most about you.” Ryo took in a sharp breath and turned away. The friendly compliment stung his soul and he tried not to show Seiji how much it hurt.

After an awkward silence, Ryo smiled a little too brightly and said, “I’m sorry, Seiji. I’ve been kinda distracted lately. Are you still looking for someone to teach you to dance?”

“Sure. Are you willing?”

“Of course.” He said aloud, but he couldn’t help thinking, “I’d do anything for you – anything to be close to you – even if it kills me.”

“It’s early and no one will be up for a while. Do you want to start now?”

Ryo put his empty bowl in the sink and smiled. “Sure let’s go to my room.”

Sage stood in front of Ryo awkwardly, “Now where do I…?”

Ryo smiled and took Sage’s hand in his own. “The first thing you have to do is relax and have fun.” His heart was beating so fats and Sage was so close to him. He hoped Seiji couldn’t tell. “You should put one hand on my waist and the other on my shoulder and then just move with the... oh… there should be music.”

Ryo blushed and let go of Seiji’s hand suddenly. Maybe this was hopeless. He looked down at the carpet and shook his head. "Seiji, I don’t know if I should… if I’m the one…” Ryo bit his lip and looked up at Seiji.

Seiji smiled and his eyes sparkled. “You’re doing fine Ryo. Keep going.”

Ryo beamed. “Okay, well I guess I should find some music.” He sifted through some CDs on his desk, chose one of his favorites and pressed play on the CD player. Ryo's hands shook slightly and the room was filled with beautiful piano music as he turned back to Seiji. It was one of Ryo’s favorite songs. He used to listen to it and wish… for this.

A few days later, Seiji was ready.

“Thanks Ryo. I know Nasty will really appreciate this.”

Oh yeah, this was all for Nasty. Such a crushing blow to a fragile heart. Ryo had to fight to hold back tears and words he wished he could say. They had spent so much time together and they had been so close. It was so easy to pretend, but now it was over and reality came flooding back. It was time to once again put on the façade of the caring friend and nothing more. It was a friendship Ryo treasured deeply. It was part of the reason he never said what he was really feeling. He wanted Seiji to be happy more than anything else and he didn’t want to lose him as a friend. “I think you’ll be fine tonight, Seiji. You’ve really learned a lot.”

“I had a great teacher. Thanks again. It means a lot to me.” Seiji put a hand on Ryo’s shoulder. “Ryo, is there something wrong?”

“What do you mean?” Ryo’s eyes widened. What had he said or done to make Seiji worry? He had to think of something to reassure him. He never meant to let it show.

“Oh, it’s probably nothing, but you seem so sad and distant lately. Did something happen?”

“No, I’m fine… really, but thanks.” Ryo smiled in an effort to appear alright. His heart ached and his soul trembled, but he held his head high and met Seiji’s eyes evenly.

Sage hugged his friend gently and ruffled his hair playfully. “Okay, I’ll let you off the hook for now, but if you ever need anything, just let me know.”

“I need you.” Ryo thought silently.

“I’ve gotta go now, Ryo. Nasty’s waiting.”

“Okay, have a good time.” Ryo stood there and watched as the couple drove off. “I’ll wait forever.” He whispered and turned to go back up to his room. Before he got very far, Shin stopped him.

“Hey Ryo. It’s almost dinnertime. Do you want to come sit down?”

“No thanks Shin. I’m really not hungry.” He leaned on the banister and tried his best to convince the world that it was true and failed miserably.

“Are you alright? You don’t look so good.”

“I’ll be okay. I just need…” Ryo broke off suddenly. He could never have what he really needed. “I’m just going to go lie down for a while.”

Shin put his hand on Ryo’s shoulder and searched his face for a clue to what was bothering him. “Alright.” He said uncertainly, “but let me know if you need anything. Promise?” This wasn’t like Ryo. He was always so cheerful. What had happened?

“Okay” Ryo whispered and climbed the stairs slowly. He closed the door softly behind him not wanting to disturb the universe any further and turned on some music. He sat on the edge of his bed and stared off into the distance. Tears streamed down his cheeks and he sobbed quietly as he thought about Seiji. He knew he was being selfish. Ryo couldn’t expect Seiji to understand or even care about what he wanted or needed so desperately. It could never work. Maybe someday… no… hope was his downfall. If only he could convince himself that it was impossible maybe he could get through life without so much misery, but he just couldn’t let go. He could never imagine giving up. In some ways, that would hurt even more. Those eyes, that hair, that voice… that touch, that connection, that soul.

Ryo was lost in the dark crevices of his loneliness when Shin knocked on his door. He sat huddled at the foot of his bed shaking with each tender sob. He didn’t hear Shin come in and he didn’t notice him until he felt a soft touch on his shoulder. He looked up suddenly to see Shin’s sparkling eyes gazing at his own with a look of concern.

“Ryo, what’s wrong?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Of course it does Ryo. No one wants you to be upset. Is there anything I can do to help?”

“No.” Ryo closed his eyes and searched for the part of him that could convince Shin that everything was alright. He was so tired of playing the game. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. There was nothing left. He couldn’t pretend anymore. The tears kept coming.

Shin leaned towards Ryo and brushed a tear-soaked lock of black hair from Ryo’s pale face. Ryo shivered at the closeness of the gesture. “I understand Ryo and I know how you feel.”

Ryo’s heart beat faster and he looked up at his friend in confusion. “What do you mean?”

Shin sat back up straight and sighed. “We all love her a little, Ryo, but she’s happy with Seiji. No matter how we feel, we have to let her be happy. She’s done so much for us.” His voice trembled slightly. Under different circumstances Ryo would have been touched by his friend’s honesty and would have tried to comfort him, but now it just seemed like some kind of cruel joke.

“Nasty?” Ryo choked. “It’s not like that Shin. You don’t understand.”

“There’s no reason to hide it. Now why don’t you come downstairs and join us for dessert.”

“No thanks, I can’t.”

“Okay, but seriously Ryo, it will be okay. You will find someone someday.”

After Shin left, Ryo sank back on his bed and laughed bitterly. At least his secret was safe, but it was such a hard thing to hold inside. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could live on the delicate edge between normalcy and despair. Tonight, for at least one more night, he would face reality and try to move on. He stood up slowly and wiped his eyes. He glanced in the mirror on the way to the stairs. He was so tired… so tired of holding on. If only he could let go. His love weighed heavy on his heart and an overwhelming sadness fought to take over. He felt so alone and out of place as he smiled through the anguish and headed down to join the others. He took a deep breath and took one step at a time.

Author's note: Thanks for reading this far. I'm sorry it's so sad. I was thinking about writing a sequel where you find out that Seiji feels the same way, but I'm not sure. Please email me. Any help would be greatly appreciated.