Author: samuraiheart
Email: [email protected]
Title: Weakness
Type: one-shot
Teaser: Ken has to deal with old memories, but not without a little help from Yohji.
Rating: PG ? maybe less
Spoilers: Ken’s past
Warnings: shounen-ai, angst
Keywords: Kase, YoujixKen

Disclaimer: These characters are the property of their respective owners.

Author’s notes:
This is written in Ken’s point of view.
::Ken’s inner voice – like his conscience::

Half-remembered images dance through my head as I hit the snooze button again and drift off to sleep. I reach out to touch them and hold on to them before they fade away, but it is no use. They slip through my fingers like water, but the sound of his laughter stays with me. I don’t know if it was part of the dream, but I know that somewhere Kase is laughing at me. He probably relishes this day. Every year. I commemorate my pitiful existence by mourning the loss of his on this day. The day that he died. The day that I killed him.

It’s not really different from any other day. Things like that just kind of haunt you all the time. It’s not easy to forget the death of your lover even if he did betray.

::Even if he never loved you?::

Even so, this day is always harder than the rest. Especially since I am the only one who remembers it.

I slowly open my eyes to the sound of movement outside my door. I guess the others are awake. It is almost time to open the shop. I should get ready. There is no reason to stop my life for today. I just have to get through it somehow. I glance at my alarm clock warily and grimace at the numbers. Not much time to get ready. I need to take a shower.

::You took one last night.::

I know, but I need to take one again. I can still feel it on my skin. I’m not clean. There was a mission last night. It wasn’t particularly eventful. Everything went well. We destroyed the targets swiftly and made it back home in plenty of time. We are efficient murderers, I suppose. I smirk at the thought, but I can’t hide the bitterness in my gaze. I am always a little bit on edge the day after a mission and remembering what day it is isn’t helping.

I run my fingers through my hair and try to reassure myself. It is smooth and clean. I do not need to take another shower. I took one last night. Maybe if I keep repeating this over and over I will believe it. I sigh in exasperation. I wish that I could just go back to sleep. Things are so much simpler in my dreams.

::What are you talking about? Your dreams are filled with nightmares, but your job at the flower shop is easy. You just have to spend a few hours helping customers::

Yeah. I can do that. Just a few hours. Then I can come back here and take a shower.

::But you don’t need to shower.::

I shake my head again and turn over in bed. His blood still clings to my soul and I need to scrub it off. One shower is not enough. All of those victims. All of those nights. It is too much. I sit up slowly and shake my head. I feel tears forming at the edge of my eyes. Why is this happening? I have to get a hold of myself. I’m over him. He can’t do this to me anymore. I grip the sheets tightly for a moment. My fists clench and I hold on to the smooth fabric as if it is my only link to existence. I take a deep breath and tell myself that I can get through this. Just a few hours. Then I can come back here and hide. I can come back here and escape from reality. I can sleep. I can shower. I can cry, but not now. Now I need to get dressed and go to work.

I pull on some clothing and turn towards the door hesitantly. I nod my head and reassure myself once again. It doesn’t usually take me this long to convince myself, but it is not often that I am haunted by his memory. I thought that I got rid of him long ago. Why do those memories keep coming back? I can still see his smiling face calling out to me from the soccer field. I can feel his lips on mine and his arm around my shoulder. I can see the hate in his eyes as he said those final words to me. I don’t know why this had to happen today. It’s just like any other day, really. They are just numbers on the calendar. They don’t mean anything. I hate it when I feel like this. Fear sweeps over me as I step into the hallway. It threatens to consume me as I move away from my door and head toward the stairs. I can hear voices down there in the shop. I can hear people talking as if this is just an ordinary day. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I can’t face anyone today.

::They’re your teammates. You have nothing to be afraid of.::

But they wouldn’t understand. They can’t possibly know how I feel.

::Of course they do. They’ve been through the same things you have. Some worse.::

True, but somehow it seems like they have dealt with it better than I have. Who else would still be mourning the loss of their dead lover even after all of this time and after everything he did?

::He never loved you.::

Of course not. Why would he? I am weak and worthless. I don’t belong here. I shiver in the darkness of the hallway.

::It is not cold. ::

Yes it is! I have to find a jacket.

::The sun is shining and it is warm.::

I have to find something to keep me warm. I grab a jacket from the hall closet and pull it on. It is thin, but comforting. I pull it tighter around me and think for a moment that I will be alright. My hands tremble as I zip it up and walk down the stairs.

Omi waves to me as he heads off for a class at the nearby college and I wave back. I try to find the will to smile at him and he seems to accept this as he walks out the front door carrying his books. It’s been years. Why should I still feel like this? I’m sure that they’ve all forgotten about that day and that mission.

::Why should they remember?::

I move behind the counter and stand there waiting for someone to tell me what to do. I will just stay here until I have to help a customer. I lean against the counter a little and stare down at the smooth surface. My eyelids droop slightly. I am tired. I couldn’t get to sleep until late last night. His face kept haunting my thoughts. His words kept echoing in my ears. I think about my bed again. I just want to go back there and hide under the covers. I just want to rest.

First, I’ll have to take a shower, though. I just want to stand under the cleansing stream of water and let it wash over me. I won’t have to think of anyone or anything. I can just relax in the cascade of liquid. I look up as someone walks behind me.

::It’s just Yohji.::

It’s such a small space. Why couldn’t he have gone around?

::There’s plenty of room.::

Why is he standing so close to me?

::He’s not that close.::

“Good morning, KenKen.” Emerald orbs dance within my vision and I nod and smile. I have to act like nothing is wrong. It’s only a few more hours. Just a little while longer.

“Good morning.” I say softly and resume my inspection of the counter. I stare at its pristine surface.

::It’s not pristine. There are cracks and scuff marks scattered all over it.::

Right. I know, but it seems so much cleaner and purer than I am. I lift my hands and place them on top of the counter. I don’t want to look at it right now. I lift my gaze slowly and note that Yohji is still standing beside me. He is flipping through a magazine nonchalantly. I wonder how he does it. How can he just stand there as if none of this effects him. I wish I could do that.

::You know it does effect him. What about Asuka?::

But he seems so much stronger than me.

::Stop that. This is not the time to feel sorry for yourself::

I want to get out of here. This room seems so small and Yohji is standing so close to me and I need to take a shower.

::Everything is fine. Just a few more hours.::

Right. A few more hours. I can do this. I glance over at Yohji cautiously and wonder what he is thinking about. I shift uncomfortably on my feet and wish that a customer would come in. I can’t stand the silence and the time goes by faster when we are busy.

Then again, I don’t want any more people in here. It is already crowded enough. Why is he standing so close to me? I glance at Aya standing in the corner. Was he glaring at me? What did I do wrong this time?

::Don’t worry about him. He wasn’t even looking in your direction.::

How do you know? I’m sorry, Aya. Whatever it was. I grasp the edge of the counter top tightly. I feel the edges pressing against my skin. They will leave a mark if I am not careful. I hold on tighter. I have to pull myself together.

::Everything will be alright. Just a few more hours.::

Yeah. I can do this. Just a little while longer. Then why do I feel like I want to scream? Why is my heart beating so fast? I have to stop this. I try to keep perfectly still.

::Relax.::

I can’t relax! I have to stand perfectly still. Everything will be alright. Just a few more hours. I shiver and pull my jacket closer to me as I glance around the room. The brightness of the flower arrangements contrasts sharply with my mood. I feel so lost and out of place. I don’t know why I do this to myself. I should just forget about Kase. His memory is making my life miserable, but I guess that’s what he wanted. I haven’t felt like this in a long time. I’m not supposed to feel like this.

::Everything is fine.::

I know. I know. It’s fine. There’s not enough room in this shop. I can hardly move. I can hardly breathe. My eyes widen in horror as I step back and feel the need to escape. I have to get out of here. If I stay here much longer I will scream. I will do something I’ll regret. Then they will know how weak I really am. I will lie. I will tell them I am sick. I will tell them I have something I need to do. I have to get out of here. I need to take a shower. I need to get away from here.

Why is he standing so close to me? I wonder how much time has gone by. I glance at the clock. Fifteen minutes. Only fifteen minutes! Just a few more hours. Just a little while longer. Maybe in a few more minutes I can ask for a break. Maybe I can make some sort of excuse. Yohji is always leaving for cigarette breaks. Maybe I could do that.

::You don’t smoke.::

Then something else! Anything to get out of here! Away from the cold sunlight and lifeless blooms.

::It is warm.::

I don’t care. I’m cold.

::The flowers are fine.::

Then I guess it must be me. I shiver again. Just a few more hours. I blink. There is someone standing in front of me. When did she get here?

::She’s a customer.::

But I didn’t hear her come in. How did she get inside?

::Just help her.::

She walks up to the counter swiftly and I try to smile.

“How can I help you, Miss?” My voice shakes ever so slightly and I hope that no one noticed.

::Just a few more hours.::

“Do you have any fresh roses?” She says expectantly.

I glance over at Yohji and he gestures behind him. I nod and bite my lip. I can do this. It is a simple request.

::Just a few more hours::

I pick up a rose and examine it carefully. I have to make sure that it is alright. It has to be the best. Something is not right. These roses do not seem fresh. They are dying. Everything is dying. Everything I touch. The roses.

::The roses are fine.::

No they’re not! Can’t you see?

“Ken, what are you doing!?”

I look up at Yohji in confusion. I was only trying to help. Is he angry with me? What did I do wrong?

::The roses. What about the roses?::

He grabs my hand and pulls the rose out of my grasp. I didn’t even realize I was holding on to it so tightly. I was crushing it in my hands.

I turn around and face the corner of the room. I hold on to the shelf for support and hang my head slightly. My bangs fall over my eyes and I try to take deep breaths as I hear Yohji putting the woman’s money in the cash register as she walks out the door.

::Don’t cry.::

I bite my lip again as I feel the tears start to sting my eyes. I cannot cry. Not here. I can’t let them know.

::Just a few more hours.::

I can get through this if I try. I am just too weak. This is all my fault. Kase, it’s all my fault.

I gasp softly at the feel of someone’s hand on my shoulder and I turn around to face my coworker. Green eyes gaze at me with concern. I see no hatred or accusation in those eyes.

::Why would he hate you?::

Why shouldn’t he hate me!? I’m worthless. I can’t do anything right. I hate me. This is all my fault.

“What’s going on, Ken? Are you okay?” Yohji asks hesitantly.

For a moment I just want to melt in his arms and forget about everything. Maybe then I could stop thinking about it. It’s probably warm in his arms. I shiver again at the thought.

::Say something. He’s starting to worry.::

I don’t know what to say. I can’t tell him about this. I can’t let him know that I still think about Kase. I don’t want to hurt him. I look up at him in confusion and keep silent. I clench my fists at my side and take in a shaky breath.

::Just a few more hours.::

“You look kind of pale, KenKen. Are you sick?”

I shake my head at that. I am not sick. This is my fault. I just have to pull myself together.

::Everything will be alright.::

Just a little while longer and I can get out of here. I will be fine after I take a shower. After this day ends, I will move on. I will try, but not now. I can’t do it yet. I have to hold on to him for just one more day. I deserve that at least. One more day.

::Just a few more hours::

Yohji reaches out and traces the curve of my jaw line with his fingers. I flinch at this and close my eyes. I take in another ragged breath as he brushes his hand across my forehead. My eyes flutter open and I look up into his face. I want to ask him why. I want to ask him so many things. Why does he care? How does he do it? After everything, how can he stay so strong? Why am I so weak? The answers to these questions seem to hang just beyond my comprehension and I reach out for them in a vain attempt to grasp the last remnants of a dream. I struggle to find the words to tell Yohji that I am okay. I need to tell him that I am all right.

::Everything will be alright::

“You don’t seem to have a fever. Ken?” He is still looking at me. He is expecting me to say something. I have to answer him, but I don’t know what to say. He is standing so close to me. The shop feels so small. I have to get out of here. I don’t want to be here anymore. I can still hear him laughing.

::Just a few more hours.::

I can’t do it! I can’t make it that long! I want to hide somewhere away from all of this. I want to run from my memories and my past and that sound. I am breathing quickly now.

My breath comes in short gasps and my eyes widen as I feel Yohji’s hand on my arm. I hear footsteps behind me and I turn my head to see Aya standing there with his arms crossed in front of me.

“What’s going on?” he asks as he comes closer to me.

Why can’t they just leave me alone?!

::Because they care.::

But why!? How? I can’t do this anymore. I have to get out of here. They’re standing too close. I can’t breathe. I have to get away from here.

“I'm sorry.” I say quietly as I turn away from their questioning stares. “I can’t… I don’t know… I have to go.”

I climb the stairs without looking back and hope that they will not come to check on me. Maybe later I will come back. Right now, I just have to go back to my room. There I can relax and get away from everything. There I can sort through all of this and try to understand it. I can dwell on his memory and try to forget it.

::That doesn’t make any sense.::

I don’t care! It’s what I have to do. I close the door behind me and lean against the inside of it for a moment as I try to collect my thoughts. Realization of what I have done hits me and I sink to the floor. Now they will know. They will know that I can’t handle this. There is something wrong with me. I am broken. I am not fit. I can’t do this anymore. I pull myself onto my feet again and shake my head.

::Everything will be fine.::

I just need to take a shower and then maybe I can forget about all of this. Maybe then I can pretend like nothing is wrong.

::Because he’s dead. He’s gone. He can’t hurt you anymore::

I know. Everything’s fine. I just need to take a shower. I am just overreacting. This is all my fault. I am too weak. I grab a towel out of my dresser drawer and wander over to the bathroom. I pull off my clothes slowly piece by piece as I make my way to the shower. I leave a trail of clothing behind me. I drop my jacket near the bed. It lands in a crumpled heap on the floor. I ignore it. I will pick it up later. This continues until I step into the shower.

I shiver again and reach for the faucet. I turn the handle until the warm water pours over my skin and I step back so that my hair is under the stream of water as well. I lean my head back and close my eyes as I feel the cleansing water wash over my tired limbs and aching body. I take in a calming breath and tell myself that this is what I needed.

::Everything will be fine.::

Yes. I am okay now. Everything is fine. I close my eyes and let the noise of the water rushing past my ears drown out my thoughts. My hands are shaking again.

::Everything is fine.::

Then, why am I shaking? I thought everything was going to be okay. I clench my fists and try to hold my hands absolutely motionless underneath the cascading water. It is no use. My mind reels in turmoil and I can feel my soul breaking apart as I struggle to find some answer to this.

I feel so lost and alone. Tears stream down my cheeks and I fight to hold back the sobs as I bring my hands up to wipe them away. Kase, why? Why did you do this to me? The water from the shower blends into the salty droplets and I can no longer distinguish the difference. I wipe at my face frantically for a moment before taking a deep breath and trying to reassure myself.

::Everything is going to be okay. Relax.::

I nod and decide that I have had enough of this shower. I cannot rinse off the pain or the anguish. I cannot rinse away the blame. It is my fault that I feel so helpless and lost and weak and alone. I can’t do anything right. I don’t belong here. I don’t deserve to be here.

I turn off the water and slide the curtain back as I step out of the shower. Maybe I should go back to sleep. Maybe then I can forget.

::What about the dreams?::

Right. The dreams. I can’t go back to sleep. I don’t want to face those nightmares. I don’t want to relive those memories. I dry myself off and wrap the towel loosely around my waist as I leave the bathroom. I close the door behind me and stare at the mess I have made of my room. There are clothes everywhere.

::It’s just a few pieces of clothing::

No! They’re everywhere! And now I have to clean them up. I don’t think I can do this. I hold on to the doorknob desperately and shake my head. What’s happening to me? I want to scream. I want to run. Nothing helps. I don’t know what to do.

::Everything’s fine.::

No! It’s not! I sink down onto my knees as I hear a knock at the door. Maybe if I ignore it they will go away. I lie down on my side and stare at the rough texture of the carpet beneath me. Water glistens on my skin and I wonder if it is finally clean. I reach out to run my hand over the surface of the carpet as I hear the knocking again. This time there are voices.

“KenKen! I know you’re in there. Come on, open the door.” Yohji calls out from the hallway.

I shake my head slightly and bring my hands up to cover my face. Maybe I can hide from him. Maybe I can hide from them all.

::That’s ridiculous.::

I run my fingers through my hair and grab onto the dark bangs as I feel tears well up in my eyes again. I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I curl up a little more and bring my knees up closer to my chin. I close my eyes and let my hands fall to the floor in front of me. I can’t do this anymore. The tears seep out from beneath my eyelids and streak my face. They trickle down my cheeks and run down my jaw line as I sob quietly.

I think I have given up now. Are you happy, Kase? Is this what you want? I don’t try to hide it anymore as I give in to the sadness and despair that calls out to me.

I open my eyes when I hear the sound of the door opening. Did I forget to lock it? Does he have a key? I don’t remember. It doesn’t matter anymore. Now Yohji is here. Yohji is looking at me. I am lying here on the floor and Yohji can see me. I am so ashamed. I don’t know what to do. I turn my head and bury my face in my arms as the tears take over again. Sobs escape my lips even though I try to hold them back. They come out in strangled gasps as I bite my lip and shake my head. I hear Yohji close the door. I don’t want him to see me like this.

::Then stop crying.::

I can’t! Maybe he left. Maybe if I ignore him he will go away and he will leave me alone. I will be okay eventually. I just need a little while longer. Days like this only come once in a while and I get through them.

::Just a few more hours::

I look up as he kneels beside me. His shining emerald eyes seem to call out to me with sympathy and understanding. I wonder if he knows. I wonder if he can see into my soul. I was so afraid that he would hate me.

“Kase…” I whisper between sobs and he reaches out to brush the bangs away from my face. His expression softens and I look up at him questioningly as he bends closer and places one arm under me to lift me into a sitting position. I lean my head against his shoulder and lay there for a few seconds not sure what to do, but he is talking to me now. He is whispering words of comfort and understanding and I am not alone.

“KenKen. Why didn’t you tell me?” Yohji says as he brings his arms up to wrap around me in a loose embrace.

“I’m sorry.” I answer softly and feel my throat tighten with those words. Tears well up in my eyes again and I bury my head in the soft warmth of his shoulder.

“It’s going to be okay. I’m here now.” Yohji continues as he brings one hand up to stroke my hair. He holds me close to him and kisses the top of my head gently. I don’t know what to do. I need to make him see how much this means to me.

“KenKen. It’s okay, now.” Yohji repeats these words and keeps his arms wrapped tightly around me.

After a few minutes, the tears subside and I take in a deep breath. “Don’t go.” I whisper as I wrap my arms around his waist and lean my head against his chest. He moves his hand up and down my back in a reassuring gesture. He hugs me again and I am so thankful to have him near me. I don’t know what I’d do without him. I pull away slowly and look up at his face just to make sure that he is really here. The image is almost able to block out the old one. The honesty of his gaze is almost enough to make me forget about that false one from so long ago.

I reach out cautiously and brush my hand against his cheek. My fingers shake as I run them across his face and rest them just below his chin. I lean closer to him and press my lips to his. I am scared at first. I am not sure how he will react. We have been lovers for a long time, but there is something so delicate about our relationship that I am never sure if I have gone too far. I guess that is the nature of our relationship. Assassins cannot know real love. There is always the danger of loss or interference with the mission.

I relax into the kiss as I feel him respond and he pulls me closer to him. My eyes flutter closed and I move my lips against his until he breaks the kiss. I let go reluctantly and look up into his eyes. He smiles at me and I curve my lips slightly in response. His eyes light up at the gesture and I see a joy there that makes it’s way into my own heart and helps to warm my shivering soul.

Maybe everything will be alright for now. With him by my side, I can make it through. I am so thankful to be able to call him my friend. I am thankful for so much more than that, but I am afraid to let him know. I am not sure what it would mean for us. I lean back a little and take his hand in mine. I need to do this. It will close things once and for all. I need to put Kase behind me and open myself to new possibilities.

::Even if it means rejection?::

Yes. I want to tell him. I want him to hear the words.

“Yohji.” I say hesitantly.

“Yes, Ken?” He looks worried again. I guess he is afraid that there is something else wrong. I shake my head to reassure him and then look up into his eyes with sincerity.

“I love you, Yohji.”

He takes in a sharp breath and his eyes widen. My whole world seems to stop for a moment as I wonder what that look means. Did I go to far? Did I say the wrong thing? Maybe I could take it back. Maybe there is still time.

::You can’t take back the truth.::

Maybe I could try. Why did I ever think anyone would love me? I swallow and lower my gaze to the place where our hands are touching. He squeezes mine gently and I look up at his face again. He is smiling now and his eyes are sparkling in the dim light of my room. He blinks and I am amazed to see tears brim over and slide down his cheeks.

“I love you, too.” He whispers and I can hardly believe what I am hearing.

Relief washes over me and I wrap my arms around him in a tight embrace. I can’t get close enough to him. I run my hands through his silky light brown and feel his breath against my neck.

“Thank you.” I whisper and he nods his head. I feel the tears coming again, but I am not afraid. They are different this time.

Maybe I should worry that such a special day also commemorates the death of another love, but I think that it is fitting somehow. I will never forget Kase, but he cannot compare to the man I am holding in my arms today. He can never match the warmth and love that I feel in his embrace. He is real. He is sincere. He loves me.

::Everything will be alright.::

~Owari~