What am I?

I have been wondering a lot lately what I really am. What any person really is. With the doctrine of "no self" there is a lot in Buddhism about understanding the self and meditating to understand yourself, not just who you are but what you are, that is supposed to lead to the realization that the self -- that which we think we are -- is an illusion. That would mean that I do not exist, at least as I know me. This idea disturbs me, which for me means I cannot leave the question alone. I cannot ignore and just not think about difficult personal questions like this. There is something relentless in me that refuses to just let it go.

Am I my mind? Most people seem to think that is their essence, and I used to too. Am I my body? I am no less my body than I am my mind... My mind could not survive without my body. If aspects of my personality and mind could be eliminated one by one, when would I cease to be me?

People, everyone I think, invest their sense of self into things. Things that represent and tell them what and who they think they are. The most obvious example of this is also the saddest -- the person who thinks they are worthwhile because of what they own, a BMW, a big house, jewelry, and because of their role in life -- corporate VP for example. You all know this stock character -- they have a major crisis of who they are if they lose their job or their status symbols. But even people who are not this materialistic and status symbol oriented invest their sense of self into things, perhaps into abstractions like personality characteristics, ethical codes, and notions -- mental constructs -- about what it is that makes them them.

Public confession cleanses the soul, right? I hope so.

What, I wondered, do I invest my sense of self in? I wrote the paragraphs above before I found out what I think makes me me. I like and value my particular collection of eccentricities, and I thought that pondering this question, that those would be the things I would settle on. They were not. I do not like what I found in my heart, what I realized is the core of my sense of self.

I was listening to a lecture on Buddhism by Professor Robert Thurman. He was making the point that everyone thinks they are the most important person. In any room, like the lecture hall he was speaking in, each person thinks they are the most important person there. He said no one talks about this, most don't even think about this, and everyone is polite and very few would ever claim to be important at all. But everyone is thinking 'I'm it' as he put it. At first I did not agree with this. I thought what he was saying was a misunderstanding of the reality that everyone is at the center of their own experience. I could not imagine everyone thinking they were the most important person. I knew I did not think I was.

Later though, looking into my heart, I realized that I am in fact burdened with a sense of superiority to almost all other people. To be blunt, I do think I am smarter than almost everyone I know, at least in the areas I consider most important. That is to say that I always conceded that many people are without a doubt better at many things than I am, but they were not the things that were most important to me and without realizing that distinction, it prevented me from considering such people "peers" at my own mental level. I believe (hope) I am not arrogant about this however. I respect these people for the abilities they have, but still considered myself "better", because I was better at what was "important". To me. At the core, in my heart, I have an intellectual snobbery. I hate that, but it is the truth. It is a failing in my humility.

I do think I am it. "Think" however is too strong a word, and a little misleading. I never thought such thoughts of superiority -- instead I merely believed them deep down, unrealized and unquestioned. Without ever putting it into words or thinking it through or even realizing it, I believed that I was "smarter" and thus "better". There are only four people that I know personally that I considered my peers in this respect. Only four people that I would admit, or allow in my mind, to be smarter or wiser than I was in what mattered most. Only four people I respect as equals. Only four people in which I recognize the capacity to be smarter/better than myself. Only four. I owe everyone else in my life an apology.

To be fair with myself, I must say that I do reserve judging people on this for as long as I can. I assume everyone is average until they either demonstrate that they aren't too bright, or they impress me. But it gets worse. The thing that most impressed me about a person... came down to a litmus test. The fact that my litmus test is not the kind of thing that comes up in daily conversation helped me to reserve judgment, but it is a litmus test none the less. One thing, the most important thing to me, if you agree with me on it I consider you an equal, if you don't, to me you fail to understand how things really are at a fundamental level. Which is of course only my opinion. How arrogant is that??

In further fairness to myself, I think most people go around thinking they are superior to everyone else in some way. Genuine humility is rare. I think feeling superior is a widespread human failing. I now realize this is a fallacy.

I am not the good person I thought I was. I am polite but deep down I lack humility. I do think I am the most important person. I am obviously wrong. I wonder, has anyone very astute pegged me as an intellectual snob that did not realize it? I do not think I am arrogant about this "superiority", but since it is in my heart, you'd think it would have to express itself in subtle ways I may not be aware of. This makes me wonder if I am a passive/aggressive jerk. I do know I have little tolerance for those I cannot respect much.

I am smarter with respect to some things than some other people, and many other people are smarter with respect to many things than I am. This is just the fact. What I need to focus on is that this does not make me "better". Who am I to judge?

I apologize to everyone for my attitude and judgment.

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