In the beginning there was God.  As time passed, God decided to make man.  And when God saw him peeing standing up, making noises and sound effects, and marveling at how strong he was, God said, "It is good."  As Adam was about through naming everything, God felt compelled to give him more company.  So after God put Adam to sleep, He yanked out one of his ribs.  Adam was a man, he could take it.  And from this, God made woman.  Finally God took a deep breath and said, "Ahhhhh.  These two are perfect.  This is really good."

     Time continued to pass, and everything was working out fine.  God then called the two over for a meeting.

    "Hey, do you see that tree over there?"
    Adam replied, "Sure.  You know, we were just going to ask you about that, because we couldn’t think of a name for what kind it was."
    "Well Adam, that is the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.  The one next to it is the Tree of Everlasting Life.  But let’s get back to the other one."
    Eve asked, "You mean the Tree of Knowledge?"
    "Right.  I need to ask you guys to do a big favor for me."
    Adam in a curious and respectful tone answered back, "Yeah Big Chief?"
    "Don’t touch that tree.  Don’t eat anything from it, and well, if you can even avoid looking at it, that would be good."
    Adam quickly responded, "Oh, gotcha.  Just avoid the tree!  That’s easy!  I can do that.  You can too.  Right honey?  Uh, honey?  Hm.  I could have sworn she was right here just a minute ago."
    "Adam, don’t swear.  That’s a sin."
    "What’s that?"
    "Oh, nothing.  I keep getting you confused with Moses."
    "Who’s that?"
    "Uh, don’t you think you should find Eve?"
    "Ah, right.  I’ll uh, ‘see’ you around."

    We all should know this story by heart, because this is where it all started.  God gave the guys a job to do by looking out for women.  But the guys messed up.  And because of this, the women now get to have charge and the upperhand in the relationship.  The worst part is that guys are usually blind to this until it’s too late.  Once they’re in the woman’s hand, men will be eating out of it until they’re dead.  Yet somehow we don’t seem to mind this loss of power.  We may compete with one another for more of it, but only after asking the woman first to see if it’s okay.

    Face it, it’s a bum deal.  I think that when Eve took the first bite, Satan gave her an immediate crash course in language skills.  Think about this for a second and be honest.  If you still don’t believe this, ask yourself if women can be wrong and right at the same time.  It is true.  No matter what argument guys get themselves into, they will lose even if they were 100% correct the whole time.  It is this language mastery that allows situations like this even to exist.  And it is the woman’s mastery of the language that gives her the source of power.

    So, we as men begin to ask just how powerful this force can be.  And for this we need a perfect demonstration. Imagine if you will that you have just done something wrong—you forgot.  A chore, a birthday, calling your mother-in-law, buying the wrong kind of M&M’s.  Just from the tone of her voice, you can get the hint of a subtle dictator at work.

    "Honey, why aren’t the dishes done?"
    "Oh shoot!  I knew I was supposed to do something when I got back from the store.  I’ll get right on them."
    "Never mind.  I already did them."
    "Oh.  Well why did you ask me that if they were already done?"
    "Look, I don’t want to argue right now.  I’ve already had a bad day today.  Please tell me you at least picked up my M&M’s?"
    "Yep, I remembered them.  Hard to miss when they’re right next to the register."
    "Just like the dishes were hard to miss right next to the sink."
    "Hey, I thought we weren’t going to argue?"
    "We’re not.  I’m just pointing out the obvious.  Anyway, can I have the M&M’s?  I really need chocolate right now."

    You sigh deeply at your first "mishap", because you know if you pursued this argument further you will only get your head bitten off and lose the argument anyway.  So you hand over the wrong kind of M&M’s.

    "Ew!  These have peanuts in them!  Why on earth did you get this kind?"
    "You told me to get M&M’s for you, so I did."
    "But you know I don’t like peanuts."
    "No, you told me that you don’t like peanut butter.  There’s a difference."
    "Well it’s the same thing to me."

    What is so odd about this is that you get reamed for thinking that rouge and scarlet are "red," navy and sky-blue are "blue," and forest-green and emerald are "green."  But even though peanuts and peanut butter are significantly different in many ways, it is the same thing to her.

    "What’s the big deal with peanuts anyway?  They’re not that bad."
    "Well, if you like them, you can eat them.  I’ll just have cornflakes or something--–I’m getting too fat anyway."

    At this point you are stuck in a very bad situation.  The argument is like a game to her, and she is waiting for your next volley of words so she can smash hers back in the most awkward spot available.  Her mastery of the language has you off balance, and now is your only chance for any "redemption" of your "sins."  To start with, you have to realize that there are many factors going on now at the same time, and the more factors you notice, the better your chances are of not sleeping on the couch tonight.  These factors are the following:  your errors you have made, she is in need of encouragement of her so called "weight problem" that even God Himself knows doesn’t exist, she is still in need of chocolate (I have never understood this female craving, and I sense I never will), and she is still in a bad mood progressively getting worse despite how well she is hiding it.  To decipher what she means by what she says takes a lot of practice, and this encrypting is precisely the game itself.

    Currently, as always, she has a domineering upperhand of power that "strongly suggests" you take the following courses of action.  First of all, you must argue with her tooth and nail for an hour persuading her that she is, in fact, not fat.  This discussion could possibly take all night, but you must limit this time in order to fit in the other things you are going to have to do before you go to bed.  Next, you are to leave at the most opportune time to the store and buy plain M&M’s.  Thirdly, while you’re at the store, buy a birthday card for Aunt Edna and quickly call your mother-in-law.  And finally, when you come back, find another chore to do in order to make up for the one you forgot—the larger the chore, the better.  Do the laundry, fix the car, start building her dream house.

    As you can clearly see, women have a dynamic authority over language, and use it as their power over men.  The more you master the language yourself, the more prepared you will be for manipulative combat.  If you want help from a pro, call your mother and set up an appointment.  There’s no better teacher than the one that has been using this power on you since you were born.  And a final word of thought.  By all means, don’t eat those peanut M&M’s.