Satire (submitted by a reader who appreciated Bubba's adventures):
Cletus James Quits Meddlin'And Goes To Preachin'
Act 1: The Stage Is Set
The Sabbath morning was proceeding about as usual around the Axxekigger household on that particular Sabbath Day. Who could have known that day was destined to be emblazoned forever across the memories of Cletus James, Hellen Sue and the kids, Hezekiah, and Anesthesia.
The sun was just peeking over the trees at the back of their small farm - its first rays reflecting on the still shiny metal parts and glass of the 7 or 8 junk vehicles at the back of the pasture that had been waiting for Cletus to get a "Round Tuit" for too many years to remember. The chickens were emerging from the hen house looking for a worm or bug unfortunate enough to trespass within their wire enclosure and one of the old hound dogs was watering Hellen Sues little patch of flowers growing by the front door.
Meanwhile as the birds and bees went about their appointed duties on the Axxekigger farm in blissful ignorance of the sanctity of this day much the same process was going on inside the house. Helen Sue was in the kitchen frantically baking and cooking for the big pot luck planned for after services that day all the while muttering about an "ox in the ditch". Poor Hellen Sue's diminutive clump of still healthy brain cells was just unable to comprehend the fact that around the Axxekigger household that ol' ox lived in that ditch, was quite comfortable in there, thank you very much, and had no intentions whatsoever of ever coming out on its own.In the living room, Cletus James occupied his favorite recliner chair with coffee in one hand and the sports page of the morning paper in the other. The TV was blaring away as Anesthesia stared out of glassey eyes at its current offering; "Barney Does Dallas". From way off in the back of their comfortable 4 bedroom brick home came sounds resembling what is generally expected when World War III finally occurs mixed with those of a pack of monkeys in heat. Even the two 3-inch Oak doors separating the source from the front of the house could not defend against Hezekiah and his latest video game acquisition; "Mortal Tohu and Bohu".
Cletus, as usual, between sips of coffee was telling himself that he still had plenty of time to get in some prayer and study before heading off to services. Of course, as a newly ordained deacon in the Philastinic Dis-united Quixotic Globalistic Internationalist Church of God, aia (an institutional asphyxiation) he obviously did not need to worry about putting in as much time hitting the Book as the regular members. The Senior Deacon, Luke Warm, had pointed that out to him reasoning that if God wasn't happy with his spiritual progress he wouldn't have been ordained in the first place. Besides, after 25 years in the Church what could there be in the Bible that he didn't already know, anyway?
A smile crossed his face as Cletus thought about his "duty of the day" as official greeter at the hall where their group met. This was a good job to pull as it offered direct contact with the whole congregation and historically had proved to be an important steppingstone to that most sacred of priestly duties in the local congregations, Local Elder! In addition, he had a gut feeling that if he positioned himself just right he might get the nod for an opening or closing prayer from Elder Berry.
Yessir, life was moving along pretty good, and it looked like all the big trials had been met and put behind him and Hellen Sue. There was even talk that Hellen Sue was going to be the next Deaconess and wouldn't that be something? The biggest concern that occasionally niggled at the back of his gray matter was that of cousin Bubba who had stepped in the cow sploop with both feet, spiritually speaking that is. Ol' Bubba had let himself get caught by the local "wheels" in the Third Subdivided All-encompassing Church of God, Twice Removed, A health Ensured Ministry congregation he and Mama were members of, for listening to "dissident tapes" from that spiritual neer-do-well, Pastor Breakaway. They had quickly dis-membered him and Mama and now the big galoot had really gone and done it by starting his own LRCOG (Livingroom Church of God), but..... that's another story better left to be told by the man who was there when it happened.
Ah, but alas, dear friends! Just as the Titanic proceeded unknowingly to its rendezvous with destiny so the seconds of the clock were ticking away, down to poor Cletus' own moment of collision with same. An "iceberg" was rapidly moving into the warm "tropic waters" in which he was cruising, so to speak.
Cletus started on his second cup of coffee and began wondering how Pastor Prime's elk hunting trip on the Great Divide in the Rockies had gone this past week. He had taken Elder Berry and Senior Deacon Luke Warm with him and Cletus was betting they would all have some stories to tell (with maybe just a little bit of exaggeration here and there designed to thoroughly entertain the congregation during announcements or at the beginning of their messages). Nothing wrong with "warming up" the group before really laying the Word on them, Cletus mused.
Starting to really come awake now from the circulation of the hi-test caffeine solution that passed for blood in his body at the moment, Cletus decided to head for the head, so to speak. If Anathesia's video pacifier reached it's end before he could lock and bar the door to the "inner sanctum" he would be doing the "crab walk" before she got her make-up on.
After taking care of business Cletus lathered up his face, picked out the Bic that had been used the least times to shave the tempered wire that passed for hair on Hellen Sue's legs and proceeded to attempt to remove his facial hair growth without sustaining any injuries serious enough to require 911 assistance. He had just about finished the right side of his face with only two or three free-flowing lines of blood running down his neck and on to his t-shirt when he heard the phone ringing. He wondered who it could be other than maybe the only other deacon in their congregation, that Irish fellow just moved into the area, Shamus Endead. The thought crossed his mind that this guy was going to be a rock in the road to Cletus's plans to be the next elder in their group. But, so far Cletus James had come out on top and he wasn't about to let this Johnny-come-lately foreigner stop his rise to the recognition he deserved!
Cletus's reverie was interrupted about this time by Hellen Sue frantically pounding on the metal door that closed off the bathroom from the rest of the house. After checking the peephole to identify the intruder hem threw back the deadbolt lock and let her in. When he saw the pasty white color of her face and the tormented expression thereon his first thought was that his 104 year old great-aunt Bessie had either died or been arrested for flashing again.
Handing the portable phone out to him with trembling hands Hellen Sue mouthed the words, "Pastor Prime" and then made a gesture of bringing her hand in a knife-wielding posture across her throat. "Oh, no"! That sneaky furinner has done got to Pastor Prime with sum kind of slander about me"!, was the thought conveyed instantly to Cletus's mind. Already, formulating his defense to the pastor in his thoughts he took the phone in his own trembling hands and calmly said, "This is Deacon Axxekigger".
Immediately the voice on the other end responded with "Cletus, this is Pastor Prime. We got problems"!"I knowed it", thought Cletus, "It is that Irish rabble-rouser stirrin' up trouble"!
He began to speak trying to get the first words of defense in; " Now, Pastor Prime, before you go any further I just want to say......"
"SHUT UP and just LISTEN, Cletus"!, came through the phone and a look as mournful as that of the old hound dog who was at the moment having a second go at watering Hellen Sues prized flowers crossed his countenance. "Me and Elder Berry and Senior Deacon Warm have gotten caught in a surprise snow storm up here in the Rockies and can't get out. I'm on the cell-phone belonging to the Rangers that just arrived to rescue us and I can't talk long". And then, in a few piercing sentences homing in on Cletus tranquility like cruise missles on Baghdad his life was changed forever!
"CLETUS, YOU WILL HAVE TO GIVE THE SERMON TODAY"! "I have the key to the church tape library on my keyring here with me so there is no other alternative. I don't trust that Irish fellow yet so I am going to have to depend on you"!
Total silence followed by the beginnings of strange gurgling sounds similar to those made during drowning were the only response Pastor Prime received to his "ground zero detonation".
"Cletus? Hello, Cletus.... are you still there ? Snap out of it man ! You gotta come through for us, Cletus ..... the whole congregation is depending on you. Think of how good you did all those speeches in Speechman's Club back when you were the President, Cletus. And how about those last 2 sermonettes you did about treeing the coons and making duck baskets to sell during.....well, you know, at the end of the year? You can do this "!
By this time, Cletus was just beginning to recover some small amount of control over his ability to use his vocal chords to make recognizable sounds associated with human beings..... "Abba..., abba...., abba...." was coming from Cletus mouth when Pastor Prime started talking once again.
"Hell, man, do you think I ordained you just so you could sit on your fat..... What is it, Elder Berry..??? Hang on a second, Cletus I will be right back". A few tens of interminable seconds go by and Pastor Prime returns to the line, now in a much calmer state of mind..... "Uh, Cletus, Elder Berry informs me that I may have been a little hasty in my choice of words just now. We want to keep that just between the four of us. You can understand that can't you.... I mean, you know I am a kind and compassionate man who doesn't forget those who are loyal to him. It's obvious to me that you are elder material and we wouldn't want to do anything that might make me and Elder Berry think otherwise, would we" ?
"Oh, n..nn...no sss...sir"!, Cletus was now back up to the stammering stage of voice communications. "I di...di...did...didint hh...hear nothin, nohow", he managed to force through his constricted vocal cords.
"Good man", chimed back Pastor Prime, "Now listen carefully cause YOU ARE THE MAN today"! Cletus James had managed to sit down on the toilet seat just as his legs turned to rubber and found a part of his segmented brain wondering if his runaway heartbeat would send him to the hospital and thus save him from this disaster. All in all, that might be an acceptable alternative, he concluded.
Pastor Prime continued, "Now look, let the Head Usher... What's his name ? Yeah... McGoon... handle the door and Shamus is already scheduled for the sermonette. I don't care what you feed em' as long as you keep em' entertained. I don't want any drop in tithes to Headquarters from our area as a result of what you say to em'....." Think you can handle that, Cletus...? Sure you can!" Look, the ranger's telling me I have to clear the line - tell my wife, Mrs. Prime that we are all right and will be back home about Tuesday or Wednesday or when we run out of bee....., I mean food". HEY, WARM..... reach in that cooler and get me another Rocky Mt. High"!
"You take care now, Cletus, cause we are all depending on you. Oh, one more thing, when you do announcements... tell em' about what happened to us and.... you know, play it up a bit and make it sound like if it had not been for divine intervention they wouldn't have found us until the spring thaw".
The dial tone suddenly cut into Cletus's audio sensors indicating that Pastor Prime was Rocky Mt. High and newly ordained Deacon Cletus James Axxekigger was Hooten Holler low!
(Writers note: For those who may be just being introduced to Cletus James, Hooten Holler is where Cletus makes his abode - just down the river about three bends from the coal mining and moon-shining town of Lassa Gaps, Kentucky.)
Within a minute of two of the end of his conversation with Pastor Prime Cletus had begun to realize that he was not going to be saved from this fiery trial of unprecedented proportions by heart failure - unless it occurred in front of the congregation when he stood up to speak. Frantically he glanced at the hands of his imitation Rolex and realized he had only 1 hour and 17 minutes to get a whole sermon together before it was time to leave.
Quickly he filled Hellen Sue in on the gory details and asked her what he should do. Hellen Sue, never the bashful type, responded at once, "Weel, Ima gonna tell yew wun thing, Cletus James Axxekigger. You git up thar in front of all them peepull and embarrass me and yer gonna weesh yew wuz up there trapped in the snow with the rest of yer beer-guzzlin buddies"!
Hoping for just a tad more support from Hellen Sue than what she was offering at the moment Cletus thought seriously about showing up at Bubba's house for services instead. C. J. immediately dismissed that idea cause he knew Hellen Sue would wait until he was asleep and then WHAM! Paybacks were always he...., well you get the picture, around the Axxekigger household. Going over to the wet bar in the corner of the den (situated just below the velvet picture of Elvis) Cletus decided desperate times called for desperate measures..... and measure he did! He took his prized bottle of old Jack and poured himself a triple.
It didn't take but a few seconds for his "liquid courage" to burn a path all the way down to his toenails. Suddenly he begin to feel the first rays of hope as his brain let out a silent rebel yell. "Eeeeeh, haaaaah !!!", it said, whereupon Cletus launched into action mode. Turning his attention to Anesthesia and Barney who was definitely doing Dallas he yelled, "TURN THAT $#%@*&!! TV OFF. Don't you know its the Sabbath! Poor Anesthesia hit the remote "power off" button and fled to the bathroom to start putting on her makeup. In the kitchen, Hellen Sue, heard the ruckus and decided she should have punted on fourth down instead of trying to run the ball. Wiping her hands on her bullet-proof apron she went into the den to find Cletus finishing off his 2nd triple Jack.Hellen Sue knew better than to mess with Cletus when old Jack was massaging his brain. The one time she had tried they had to bring in the S.W.E.A.T. team from way over yonder in Louisville and the whole thing had ended up on national TV on one of those real-life Kop shows. Good thing they had bleeped out their names and hid their faces on the film or the whole church would have known! Fortunately, Cletus's abject apologies after sobering up, some of Hellen Sue's famous pies shipped up to Louisville and a few timely donations to the Infernal Order of Police helped smooth it all out. The four policemen that Cletus had roughed up while they were trying to put the cuffs on him were quick to forgive and even tried to recruit him for the S.W.E.A.T. team. It was a rough night but Hellen Sue had learned the lesson well.
"Cletus, honey", she began, while flashing her best smile and leaning over towards him to reveal a little cleavage, "I been thinking it ovur and yew know whut ? I think this is the graytest oppertunaty yew evur did have" !
"HUH ???", the sudden change in Hellen Sue catching him by surprise, "Whatur yew talkin' bout, wamin"?
"Weel, jus think about this fer a minnutt, Sweetcake, (Hellen Sue can really pour on the charm if she's a mind to!)". "That thar Eye-rish feller has tuh do the serminnet, right"?
"Yeah, so whut"?, C. J. responded.
"And yew gotta do the nounce-mints and thuh sermin ?
"Did yew have to work all that out on paper, or is sumwun holdin up wun of them cue cards behind me", says Cletus.
"Oh, snookums, yer dimpulls stands out so kute when yer mad", says Hellen Sue through clenched teeth.
But not one to let a little obstacle like stupidity stand in the way of her ambition she swallows real hard two or three times and forges ahead, "Yew up thar givin the nouncemints and sermin whilest Eye-rish gits stuck with a meesly lil ol' serminnet is gonna show the hole congreegayshun jus who it is whut is runnin' with the big dawgs"!
"Whas that you sayed, Sugarwrinkles"?, Cletus mumbles trying to make both eyes focus on Hellen Sue at the same time.
"I sayed seeze the momint and stop acting lyke a whipped houn dawg"!, bellows out Hellen Sue, her patience with C. J. at an end.
Whereupon Cletus even through the bulletproof macho of two triple Jacks realizes he is now treading on dangerous ground with his first mate. The last time he saw that look in her eyes it cost him two weeks in the hospital and another 6 in a full leg cast!
Temporarily cowed, Cletus James mumbles out in a pretty good facsimile of contriteness, "Whut da yuh want me to do, Huneyspurs "?
"I wont yew tuh sit dowen here with me and let's us git yew a sermin toogethur rite qwick. We kin do it if'n we dont waste no more tyme a jawin over nuthin"!
So for the next hour all Cletus saw through the fog of old Jack was Hellen Sues chewed on yellow pencil flying over the face of a yellow legal pad in an attempt to put together a message that would be remembered by all on a par right up there with Churchill's famous "battle of Britain" speech.
Finally, Hellen Sue laid down the stub of her pencil with a determined look and said, "Hits finished. Yew jus git hup thar beehynd the pallpit and reed this lyke yew bleeve evur wurd of hit an yew aint gonna have to wayte fer thim to git aroun tuh layin' hands on yew fer long"!
At this point it is meet to be said that neither Cletus James or Hellen Sue recognized the prophetic double entendre in her words.
Well, to cut to the chase, they rushed to get everybody and everyone loaded up in their Continental Town Car that Hellen Sue had won on one of those California based game shows when she was out there visiting her sister last year. Cletus came out with his best J.C. Penny's summer sale suit on and a $30 silk tie - tied around his neck inside out. Hellen Sue was quick to catch it and a quick jerk
on the tie itself got Cletus's attention in a hurry as his tongue and eyes started to bulge out. Hellen Sue redid the offending item for him all the while mumuring something about how if God hadn't created woman to keep a man looking respectable they would all be dragging their knuckles when they walked.
It is to be said to the credit of one Cletus James that he handled the big Lincoln remarkably well for a man so recently entered into a partnership with old Jack. It is also to be said that afterward he would never remember the 37 minute trip to the Masonic Hall where Pastor Prime had them meeting for Church - but he would never forget the one going home!
As they pulled into the parking lot Cletus boldly decided to park in the spot always reserved for Pastor Prime. The parking crew was drinking coffee out of Styrofoam cups poured from someone's thermos at the back of a car when Cletus boldly pulled up into the pastor's place and turned off the engine. The regular parking crew chief looked over at this in amazement while trying to understand what would make a junior deacon commit such a violation of Church protocol.Moving quickly over to the driver's door Crew Chief Parks greeted Cletus with, "Hi, Cletus, uh..... you know that is Pastor Prime's parking place you're in"??
"Are yew queshuning my authoritee, Parks"?, Cletus snapped back as he exited the vehicle.
"Well..... no, Cletus, its just that...."
"Let me tell yew something, Buster..... yew will address me as Deacon Axxekigger for the tyme being and until I tell yew differunt! Have yew got that"?
"Yeah, I got it, Cletus, but I don't like it. You and me have been knowing each other since we worked parking in the storms together up in the Pokeurnose Mts. back in 67. What's gotten into you besides the old Jack I can smell on your breath all the way over here"?At this remark Hellen Sue began to frantically search through her rather substantial purse ( it's hard to hide a 44 magnum in a little bitty handbag) for the big roll of super-strength wintergreen mints she always carried. Palming about 5 or 6 of them she hurriedly shoved them into Cletus's mouth. Cletus, unable to talk around the sudden mouthfull of powerful candy, mustered up as much dignity as he could, grabbed his oversized briefcase, and headed in to the hall. It was left to Hellen Sue to smile sweetly at the parking guys and say in a voice just dripping with Christian love, "Pastor Prime, Elder Berry, and Luke Warm caint make it today and so my Cletus has been put in charge of survises. He will be givun the sermin today".
As the last of the Axxekiggers disappeared through the big doors to the Masons Hall, the parking crew was left standing on the tarmac tryin to recover from the shock of it all.
"Can you believe it"?, finally muttered Crew Chief Parks, removing his red helmut and wiping the sweat pouring down his furrowed brow. "I tell you boys I'm not taking this one lying down! I am going to come out to my car when Cletus starts to preach and plug in that Pastor Breakaway tape that Bubba gave me at work the other day".
"Wow, man, you're gonna get in trouble, Reggie", commented one of the younger fellows on the crew.
"The day they put Cletus James Axxekigger in charge of services is the day I know we are already in deep trouble, boys", spoke Crew Chief Parks.
So, leaving the parking crew to their troubled cogitations we look in on Cletus and Hellen Sue as they prepare for her... I mean HIS, big moment.
Hellen Sue figured that pretty soon old Jack was going to be nothing more than a pleasant memory in Cletus's underactive brain and decided she had better "stack the deck" a little more in his favor. Watching for the right opportunity she took advantage of the fact that the set-up crew was all intensely focused on their little parts in "doing the Work" and were not paying her much attention yet.Palming an extra glass out of the kitchen cupboard she moved up to the stage and behind the podium. Sure enough, there sat the two glasses of water already in their assigned positions for the use of the two speakers. The pastor's glass was traditionally the one on the the right so she discretely moved it down to the back of the lower shelf built in to the podium (for extra Bibles or books that the pastor would use from time to time to show off his education). Taking the empty glass in her hand and putting it back where the full glass of water had been she looked around to make sure no one was watching.
Assured that all were focused elsewhere she quickly reached under her dress and unstrapped the flask that had been kissing her right thigh all the way to church. She poured the contents-180 proof "white lightening" purchased by trading eggs to the old bootlegger that lived on back up Hooten Holler into the empty glass and returned the now empty flask to its velcroed hiding place. Pretending to adjust the flowers on the podium as she exited "stage left" Hellen Sue smiled her best smile and returned to the kitchen to put the pot luck in order.
Now while all this was going on un-noticed, Cletus was busy assigning Head Usher, Otis McGoon and his ex-wrestler assistent, Claude Hammer to their posts at the doors as official greeters for the day. Were it not for the suits they were wearing one might have assumed them to be bouncers at one of the local nite spots. After deputizing a couple of "Junior Ushers to fill in the blanks for the day he sat down up front in the pastor's usual chair (with the soft back and bottom) to organize the announcements and pretend to go over his sermon notes. Already he found himself licking his lips and wishing he could continue the dialogue began with old Jack that morning the first fickle fingers of the reality of his predicament were once again starting to tug at his conscience like the ghosts of Xmas past.
Cletus's ensconcing of himself in the pastor's chair was the first clear signal to those in the room that something was amiss from the normal routine. About this time word of Cletus's ascenscion to the position-of-all-power for the day was beginning to leak out from the women in the kitchen tending the food (thanks to the whispered comments of Hellen Sue). The congregation was starting to arrive en-mass now and the room was quickly abuzz with news of the "coronation". The reactions were varied but since nobody else seemed to have a Pastor Breakaway tape in their car everybody but Crew Chief Parks decided to stay for the show.
The well-conditioned automatic reflex response to the "chain of authority" that had been instilled in them by the original Wholly-Owned-Subsiderary-Corporate-Sole-Apostaseal, himself, had been further re- inforced under the firm guidance of the Pre-siding Pastorical Evangelistic Evangelist General, of the Philastinic Dis-united Quixotic Globalistic Internationalist Church of God, aia (an institutional asphyxiation). So, as hard as it might be to swallow, the group "girded up their loins" and prepared to "endure to the end".
About this time Shamus Endead, the new Deacon from Ireland, arrived in a fanfare of his perpetual Irish charm, excited about the opportunity to give his first sermonette to American brethren. In stark contrast to Cletus James who was starting to visibly slouch in the pastor's chair like the weight of the world was on his shoulders, Shamus seemed like a race horse pushing at the starting gate, eager for the race to begin. Not yet aware of the full impact of "local church politics" upon his Christian walk, Shamus was not perturbed at all when told that Deacon Axxekigger was in charge for the day.Hellen Sue, her kitchen responsibilities completed for the moment, saw from the back of the room that Cletus was starting to wilt. Making her way quickly to his side she told him about her little switch of the "water" so that he could count on having the courage he needed when he came to the podium.
Act 2: The Hour Of TrialLike a drowning man grabbing at any rope offered, Cletus James once again saw hope of a victory and prepared to bluff his way through the announcements and then rely on his "liquid courage" under the podium to get him through the main act. It crossed his mind that the Lord had indeed made him a "way of escape"!
The time finally arrived to begin services and the choir came on stage to back up the congregational singing. The regular song leader, Armen Hand, led the group through three rousing hymns from the hymnal put together by composer Wright Hamstrung and then Isa Chanter offered the opening prayer. The songleader then introduced Shamus Endead for the sermonette and the great drama was underway!
Shamus stepped quickly to the podium and began a message based on his many and varied experiences in Ireland as a member of the Church. He vividly related the lessons learned from living in a "war zone", quoted scriptures to elucidate points of wisdom and generally waxed eloquent. He came to the halfway point in his message and was still building up steam when the laws of time and chance begin to catch up with Cletus James.
The Irishman, feeling his mouth began to go dry paused to take a drink of water from his glass under the podium. What Hellen Sue had forgot to consider (and in all fairness probably never knew in the first place) is that the Irish as part of the British Empire drive on what we call the "wrong side of the road". It was a natural mistake that Shamus would automatically reach for the glass traditionally reserved for the sermon giver instead of the sermonette man. Taking a big sip that quickly elicited a kind of gasp and a look of surprise Shamus quickly recovered from the shock and made a comment about how "your local water here really packs a kick"! The congregation did not pick up on his words as anything out of place and took his remark as meaning he was surprised by the heavy chemical taste of the local wet stuff that would have passed as high grade industrial waste by any standard.
As Shamus continued his message the crowd noticed he took more and more frequent sips from the glass of "water". By the time he had consumed the whole glass of liquid his Irish accent, normally pleasant to the ears had become so thick and slurred that no one was sure exactly what he was saying.
Cletus James just sat there oblivious as to what was happening with arms crossed and trying to look important in a judgmental sort of way like Pastor Prime always managed to do. As the Irishman's message went ever more quickly into the "spiritual crapper" Cletus thought to himself, "Weel, this here feller ain't much after all. I kin do better'n that standin' on my head while I'm preachin'...." Delusions of grandeur began to float through Cletus's under-developed psyche and vanity began to replace the dread. He reasoned that once he had a few sips of Hellen Sue's "white lightnin" in him there would be no stopping him!
About this time Shamus concluded his sermonette and turned to walk off the stage satisfied that he had given a sterling performance. He wondered why the room was spinning and decided he must be in one of those rotating restaurants like his American cousin had told him about. As he looked across the room and saw all the food sitting on the tables in the back awaiting the pot luck to begin, he was sure his conclusion about the rotating restaurant was accurate. Funny how the floor seemed to be tilting under him as he walked across the stage. Watching him stagger and thinking that Deacon Endead had become sick, one of the deputized ushers rushed up to grab his arm and maneuver him safely down the steps and into his chair. As Shamus turned to the young man to thank him for his assistance he belched rather loudly thus filling his benefactor's face with "white lightning" fumes strong enough to curl his eyelashes and chap his lips. The "usher for a day" then returned to his own seat shaking his head and thinking how rank had its privileges in the Church.
Now the time had arrived for Cletus James to meet his "iceberg". After another rousing hymn led by Isa Chanter, Deacon Extraordinaire Cletus James Axxekigger came to the podium as "the man in charge". He quickly explained the reason for the absence of Pastor Prime, Elder Berry, and Senior Deacon Luke Warm and how the "baton" (you know.... the one that has been passed more times than the buck in the COGs) had been placed in his hands for this leg of the race. He read the usual crop of local announcements about the upcoming social activities, members facing surgery, deacon's and elder's meetings, Speechman's Club and so on. It was as he was coming to the end of his rope.... I mean announcements.... that he reached for the pastor's glass of "water" to replenish the courage that had gone South on him.
A shock went through Cletus like a bolt of lightning when he realized the glass was empty! Noticing the glass on the left still full he quickly tried a sip from it and confirmed his worst fears - it was indeed the liquid that passed for water in these parts. Now he understood the Irishman's poor finish and erratic behavior at the end of his sermonette. To Cletus it was a miracle the man could have guzzled a large 16 oz glass of "shine" in just 15 minutes and still have remained conscious, much less on his feet. Cletus had planned to make it last for an hour and a half. As an sub-conscious afterthought he reminded himself to never challenge Shamus to a drinking contest.
Meanwhile, Cletus James own body began to betray him by encouraging certain important systems to go out on strike for better working conditions. His knees were definitely threatening to walk off the job at any moment and his courage had locked the gates and left the premises. Blood pressure was now carrying picket signs and his heart was threatening to move to a new location under terms of the N.A.F.T.A. treaty. Sweat glands were working overtime and demanding more pay while his lungs were complaining of a lack of enough raw materials to keep inflation under control. Voice volume was also on a work slowdown along with arm gestures. Cletus was suffering a major depression with no "New Deal" in sight to bail him out.
Having run out of announcements, jokes and any other extemporaneous comments Cletus bought a few more moments of respite from the "hang mans's rope" by pretending to organize the sermon notes that Hellen Sue had written him. Suddenly his trembling hands knocked them off the podium and the papers were lying scattered around the stage. As he woodenly began to pick them up to the sniggers of the congregation he realized that Hellen Sue had forgotten to number the pages. Now they were all mixed up and out of order and they all looked the same in his growing terror. In the process of recovering his notes he did find the first page cause it was the one with the title written across the top in big letters. He would have to start with that one and hope he could wing the rest.
As all this was happening Hellen Sue was sitting there in the front row sensing that the battle was already lost and wondering how she could beat a dignified retreat before "the King" shot himself in both feet. After all, she reasoned, if the ship was sinking wasn't it the Captains job to go down with it and the first mates obligation to take the first boat to shore and sell the story? She was still pondering her options when Cletus began his sermon.
"Ahem....... AHEM......" began Cletus James, trying to make the words on page 1 of Hellen Sue's sermon notes come into focus and at the same time to have some kind of coherent sounds issue from his vocal chords.
And thus it was at this very moment that destiny intervened, as Deacon Cletus James Axxekigger, Pastor For A Day in the Philastinic Dis-united Quixotic Globalistic Internationalist Church of God, aia (an institutional asphyxiation) stood at the very crossroads of his career in the Church. A great truth was suddenly downloaded into the mind of Cletus James in the final moments before the retreat became a rout and his body and conscience surrendered unconditionally to coma.
WHAM.... and there it was. With startling clarity..... with stunning perception..... with amazing insight..... Cletus James suddenly realized that great truth associated with the here-I-are-chaos-ical form of church government..... that..... THE POSITION IS MORE THAN THE MAN !!!
And with the realization came the power to stand in his "day of adversity". Suddenly Cletus James found himself infused with a confidence such as he had never known..... even during his closest relationships with old Jack! All bodily functions rushed to come back on line and all the "strikers" returned to work..... their grievances now forgotten in the excitement. Every word now leapt from the pages of Hellen Sue's sermon notes in crystal sharpness but Cletus James no longer needed them or even cared. The power of the position he held this day would be more than enough to see him through !
Cletus fixed the congregation with a riveting eye contact born of a belief that he could now do no wrong. Everyone in the room was aware that something far out of the ordinary was happening but no one was sure exactly what, including Hellen Sue. She decided to stay in her seat a minute or two longer just in case a miracle had occurred and the Man upstairs had managed to get the watertight doors closed down in the bowels of C. J.'s sinking ship.
"WHY ARE YOU THERE....."??? began Cletus James in a booming voice, the fervor of some kind of inspiration in his eyes. "I mean, why are you THERE and I am HERE" ??? he said, then pausing for effect.
The congregation who had heard so many "Why Are You Here" sermons over the years that they had lost count all set up a little straighter. He had their attention with the unexpected twist on an old theme. Cletus forged on ahead boldly, knowing no fear in his newfound zeal. "Hit aint cause we drew straws that I am up here behind this podium in charge of the hole church today. And hit aint because I done nobody no favors, neethur "!
At this remark, Hellen Sue began to scrunch back down in her chair suspecting that those watertight doors had sprung a leak or two and the ship was sinking again. Some in the congregation were already squirming uncomfortably and they weren't yet five minutes into the sermon.
Cletus continued, "Sum of you a sittin' here today are wundering why it is that you nevur git called on to surve and nevur git ordayned lyke me".
At this one of the parking guys began wondering if Crew Chief Parks would let him share the front seat of his car to listen to that Pastor Breakaway tape. "The kurse shall not kawseless cum, sayeth the gud Book but y'all just dont git it"! Cletus James now began to cast aside his Speechman Club training in good grammar and diction with abandon as he got caught up in the momentum of the moment.
"Thar is a reesun why yer all sittin' down thar at the bottum of the totim pole and why I aint..... And yew need to theenk about hit. Yew'ins whut is depinden on luck to put yew at the top of the heap in the Church is a goin' tuh be sadlee disappoynted"!
"It also aint about kissin' up to the Pastur..... all-tho that certinly dont hurt none", said C. J. pausing for a moment to reflect on his own words.
"Thuh reel reesun why yew aint gittin nowhere with the Big Kahuna is that....." and strangely enough everybody in the room, with the possible exception of Shamus Endead who sat placidly in his chair with the aid of his wife's arm around his neck and a look from her that would melt lead, was paying attention. Shamus was still feeling no pain and the blissful smile on his face was a sure indication that his "enquiring mind" did not feel any need to know one way or the other. ".....yew just aint cut out fer the high profile posishuns in the Church" ! The room was suddenly filled with sounds of nervous shuffling, crying babys and several persons seemed to have fits of coughing all at the same time. Women in the back were seen hurrying towards the mother's room with their small infants and the door watchers, McGoon and Hammer, were looking down at the floor and wondering what to do if people started to leave.
Meanwhile, Hellen Sue was looking about the color of wood ashes and wondering what had got into Cletus that he would cast aside her sermon she had written him about all the lessons he had learned in hunting varmints on the Axxekigger farm. She had waited too long to escape, she realized, because every eye would be on her if she got up now. It sure looked like the first mate was going to go down with the ship right along with the Captain!
Cletus plunged on headlong into oblivion with "Yew jus need to recognize the fact wunst and fer all that we'ins in positions of authority in the Philastinic Dis-united Quixotic Globalistic Internationalist Church of God, aia (an institutional asphyxiation) are there because we have what it takes and yew dont"! Several men wearing angry expressions now got up and rather than turning left into the men's room at the back of the hall continued straight on out the doors. "Now don't git me wrong kawse I'm not sayin' the Big Guy dont luv yew. Hits jus that yer gonna have to x-sepped the fact that He called yew'ins fer to pray, pay and obey.... and STAY"!, he added hurriedly, as he noticed the increasing number of men and women leaving their seats for the restrooms or some "fresh air" outside.
With this piece of divine revelation Hellen Sue dropped her head with one hand supporting it as though she was having one of her infrequent migraine headaches, which she was - and it was promising to be a dilly.
"There aint nuthin wrong with being a doorkeeper in the Kingdom. Yew just got to git used to thuh idear". The trickle of people leaving their chairs and not returning was increasing exponentially. "Yew will be a hole lot happier wunst yew accept yer lot in life and yer place in the Church".
"Whuts a goin' on", thought Cletus James, as he paused to take another sip of industrial waste from the glass that wasn't empty. Was there a fire or some emergency they hadn't told him about, he wondered as he watched folks gathering up their books and kids and leaving the hall without looking back.
He hurriedly glanced over towards the doors before continuing with his message and saw McGoon and Hammer standing, one on each side, with their hands folded in the fig leaf gesture and their eyes staring straight ahead like a couple of Marine Corp guards as the exiting congregation passed between them like two pillars of the temple.
"This afternoon I am goin' to give you 37 points on how to respect your betters in the church". The orderly exodus of members now became a rout!
"Point #1"...., droned on Cletus James, invincible in his aura of power and authority. Meanwhile, Hellen Sue lost in deep meditation and a splitting headache was startin to see how the ground opening up and swallowing Dathan and Abirim might not have been all that bad for their wives.
".....Always say 'Yessir and No sir when addressin' those of us in posishuns of awthoritee". The sound of car engines being started and revved and tires spinning angrily out on the parking lot gravel echoed through the walls and around the nearly empty room. "Point #2.... Be sure to leave the closest parking places in the lot open for all us church leaders. We aint got time to be walkin' in frum the back of the lot whut with all our responsibillytees".
It was at this point that it finally penetrated through the religious fervor burning in Cletus's overtaxed brain that the room was now empty of everyone except Hellen Sue and Shamus Endead, who appeared not to even notice the rest of the congregation was missing. Hezekiah and Anesthesia had gone to the car and had the stereo cranked up to a heavy metal station to clear their brains. Even McGoon and Claude Hammer had left their posts and were now outside gathered around the car of Crew Chief Parks listening to the remainder of Pastor Breakaway's sermon on tape. The food awaiting the pot luck to begin sat un-noticed on the tables in the back.
Cletus suddenly found the fire had gone out and the other 35 points of his sermon seemed unimportant in the light of current developments. He looked at his watch and said "Weelmbrethren, hit looks lyke Ima gonna have to save the rest of my points fer the next time...." no longer believing there would ever really be one. "I think I left the watur runnin' in the bathtub at home so me un the wyfe and kids is a gonna have to head out right away. Will skip the last song today and ask Deacon Endead if he will lead us in the closin' prayer".
Shamus stirred to life at the mention of his name but found that when he tried to stand his legs had turned to jello. Falling back heavily into his chair he looked up pleadingly towards the podium. Remembering his recent infusion with Hellen Sue's "shine" Cletus announced, "Un..... Deacon Endead, why don't yew just lead the prayer frum yer chair there"?
The inebriated Irishman bowed his head and began mumbling sounds that might have been Gaelic but no one would ever know for sure- not even Shamus. He finished his oratory and Cletus and Helen Sue dutifully said, "Amen".
The few remaining members in the parking lot pretended that they did not see Cletus James and Hellen Sue as they exited the building at a brisk pace and disappeared into the plush interior of their big Lincoln.
Hellen Sue, her face still a striking shade of scarlet, was already talking before they even got out of the parking lot and saying something about how she had been wanting to check out Bubba's former congregation, The Third Subdivided All-encompassing Church of God, Twice Removed, A Health Ensured Ministry, and could they please go there next week.
Cletus James mumbled something to the affirmative but his attention as they drove out of the lot was on the sounds of Pastor Breakaway coming out of the open windows of Crew Chief Parks car. He would remember forever the last words he heard the rebel minister speak that day as he took his leave from the Philastinic Dis-united Quixotic Globalistic Internationalist Church Of God, aia (an institutional asphyxiation) which were: ".....YOU SHALL KNOW THE TRUTH AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE"!*********
All of us who have been involved with any of the various Churches Of God for any length of time have known at least one or three Cletus James Axxekiggers. Cletus is both predictable and yet unique. If we look closely we can often see more of our own thoughts, feelings, and conduct towards our fellow Christians than we may care to in Cletus and his wife Hellen Sue. It is the author's fervent hope that in this time of "darkness and confusion" within the many congregations of the true Churches of God we may be momentarily cheered by the humor and forever improved by the message.
D.C. 12/24/97
Copyright 1997 Dorian Cook
All rights reserved: End Time COG Publishing, P.O. Box 700, Burlington, KY. 41005 email: [email protected] Copyright Notice: This document may be freely copied and distributed provided that it is copied in total with no alterations or deletions, and the publisher's name and address are included, and the author's name, if presented herein, is included, and the copyright notice is included. This material is not for sale and copies may not be sold for amount other than cost of reproducing by photocopy or printing.
*************************Reprinted by permission of the author.
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