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Hair... An FF7 Parody Fanfic
By Marie the Esper Girl a.k.a. Janis
There is no real plot or timeline. It just happens. It's a PARODY! = I am only playing around!!
I noticed one thing lately. Everyone in FF7 has great hair! How do you get great hair? You use hair products. Now what if someone stole the hair products...This twisted idea came to me when the little chat group I talk with was wondering about how they take care of their hair. (We're obsessive! ^_^) So I came up with this twisted little idea! ^_^
Thanks to:
Leno/Damius (gotta stick to one name man!): For the singing bits.
Dot: For the cute idea about bleeping out the cuss words.
Simone: For help with ebonics bits with Barrett.
EDITOR'S NOTE (from Schala): Marie originally used double colons (::) to depict actions. It became a little confusing, so I changed all the double colons to parenthese. I've also added some things and reformatted to make the story more understandable. Enjoy! ^_^
It was a normal, bright happy day as Cloud woke up. He sighed and took a shower, and after showering he reached for his ever-ready hair gel...only to find it wasn't there...
Cloud: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! IT'S GONE!
Everyone in Avalanche who was traveling with Cloud dashes to the mercenary's room.
Barrett: What's wrong, Cloud? Yuffie take another Materia?
Yuffie: DORK! (kicks Barrett in the leg)
Barrett: Yeowch! Yous needs be watchin' it, you little @#$%#$!
Tifa: (glares at them) Both of you stop it! You're acting like Cid and Vincent.
Cid: Well excuuuuse me if Vampy is a whole @#%# load to tease!
Vince: ZZZZZZ.....
Cid: Wake up, you stupid @#$!
Vince: It's 9 a.m. Go away before I bite your neck and suck you dry and kill you...
Cid: ACK! The @#$# wants to give me a hickey! (dashes out the room)
Vince doesn't care. He's asleep. He's happy! ^_^
Tifa: (knocks on the bathroom door) Cloud? Cloud, come out!
Cloud: (bashing open the door) @#$@ SEPHIROTH! I'LL DESTROY HIM!
Tifa: What is it, Cloud?
Cloud: (whimpering) He stole my hair gel... (his hair is all limp and sad)
(Barrett, Yuffie, Red, and Cait sweat drop)
Cait: Hair gel? (gags)
Cloud: (pulls out sword) I'll use Cat guts instead!
Cait: (big sweat drop, so big that he falls off the Moogle who picks him up again) AERIIIIIIITH! YOUR BOYFRIEND'S TRYING TO KILL ME! (dashes out the room towards Aerith's room)
Tifa: (pissed) AERITH'S BOYFRIEND!?!?!? HE'S *MY* BOYFRIEND!!! (chases Cait out)
Yuffie, Red and Barrett sweat drops. Cloud sobs for his hair gel. Vincent sleeps.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aerith's Room
Aerith: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH NO!
She runs out of the room crying, bashing right into Tifa.
Tifa: Ooo! You goodie-goodie two-shoes! You stole my man! You and that....HEY! Your hair is flat!
Aerith: (bursts into tears) Sephiroth stole my hair spray! He and those stupid bangs of his!!!!
Tifa: Hmmm...you have the same style...
Aerith: (sweat drops and screams) WE DO NOT! JUST BECAUSE WE HAVE THE SAME HAIRDRESSER DOESN'T MEAN WE HAVE THE SAME HAIRSTYLE!!!!
Tifa: (sweat drops) Uh...I'm gonna wash my hair...
Aerith: Oh YEAH! RUB IT IN SILICON PRINCESS!
Tifa: Grrr...if all that sweat dropping didn't ruin my hair you'd be DEAD!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the Promised Land (YES, the Promised Land! I don't know where else Sephi can hang out. -_-)
P.S. I pester everyone here...even Sephi gets bashed rightly! Fear all, Sephi worshippers! ^_^
Sephiroth: (singing in the shower) Oh, I wish I was an Oscar Meyer weineeeeeeeeeeer, that's what I'd really like to beeeeeeeeeeeee! For if I was an Oscar Meyer weineeeeeeeeeeeeer! Everyone would be in love with
meeeeeee!
He steps out, wraps a towel around himself and starts to comb his hair.
Sephiroth: Lala Oscar...Don't hate me because I beau-- (reaches to the extremely *LARGE* hair products table only to find *NOTHING*) What the fu-- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCK!!! MY 1000 oz. HAIRSPRAY BOTTLE! IT'S GONE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCK!
He storms out of the bathroom to wherever he put his Masamune.
Sephi: I AM GOING TO KILL THAT @#%# @#%# AERITH!!! NOT ONLY WILL SHE RUIN MY PLAN BUT SHE _STOLE_ MY HAIRSRPAY!!!!! (gets on clothes and disappears)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tifa is now singing in the shower...
Tifa: DON'T BREAK MY HEART! MY ACHY BREAKY HEART! (washes shampoo) I JUST DON'T THINK IT'LL UNDERSTAND! IF YOU BREAK MY HEART, MY ACHY BREAKY HEART, IT MIGHT BLOW UP AND KILL THIS GAL! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH YEA-- (reaches for conditioner) Uh... (looks) IT'S GONE!
Tifa suddenly storms out in a robe.
Tifa: WHERE IS MY CONDITIONER!! PUFFY HEAD STOLE IT! ARRGH! She has the PERFECT hair! Without my conditioner, my hair is going to be all tangles and split ends! Waaaaaah!
She smacks any goggling men, leaving them to be screamed at by their wives and girlfriends, and slams on Aerith's door.
Aerith: (her hair is limp and hippieish) Sniff. My hair is ruined...you steal my boyfriend...
Tifa: YOU STOLE HIM FROM ME!!!!!!!!
Aerith: DID NOT!
Tifa: DID TOO!
Aerith: DID NOT!
Sephiroth puffs in. All his hair is stuffed under a hat and he's still wearing a towel.
Sephiroth: YOU! (points Masamune at Aerith's heart)
Aerith: (sniff) What? (grabs script) Hey, you're early! You can't kill me yet....Ooops! Spoiler!
(Aerith and Sephi sweat drop)
Sephi: YOU STOLE MY HAIR SPRAY!
Aerith: Uh? YOU stole MINE!
Sephi: DID NOT!
Tifa: Oh, we just did this...
Sephi and Aerith: JUST SHUT UP, SILICON PRINCESS! YOUR HAIR _SUCKS_!
Tifa: (stunned)
Sephi: Now to kill you, you hair-product-stealing goodie two-shoes...
Tifa: HEY! She stole mine too!
Sephi: Let's kill her.
Tifa: Hmmmmmmmmm...Yeah!
Aerith: (sweat drops)
Both advance on her...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Meanwhile, in Shin-Ra...
Illyna: (watching Days of Our Lives on a TV) ACK! YOU DORK! DON'T LEAVE MIKE FOR AUSTIN! (glances at her watch) Only 19 seconds to the end! Please don't let Austin find out...
Leno: Tsk, tsk...Drooling over soap people? AGAIN?
Illyna: (sticks out her tongue) Dork!
Leno: (walks inside, flops on the couch next to Illyna and changes the channel) Ah!
Pamela Anderson: Oh no! A dolphin is...
Illyna: YOU PERVERT! IT'S BAYWATCH! (smacks Leno on his head, grabs the remote, and changes it to Days Of Our Lives) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! IT'S OVER!
Leno: (rubbing his head) Yeouch...where'd a chick learn to hit THAT hard?
Illyna: (now has demon-like face) CHICK? Did you just _say_ CHICK?!?!?!?
Leno: (shrinks two sizes and sweat drops) I mean, do you want some Chicken McNuggets?
Illyna: (smiling) That's better! (goes back to watching the TV) NO! LUCAS finds out that Will is HIS son! Not Austin's!!
Leno groans and leans back, pulling down his sunglasses and frowning.
In another room...
Zeng: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCK!
Illyna and Leno: ????
Both scramble to the other room to find a spiky, black-haired guy with a red face.
Zeng: Leno...if you will, could you PLEASE give me back my hair gel?
Illyna: Zeng? That's YOU?? GROSS!!!!
Leno: (starts cracking up) Hahaha! That's great! You're worse than Cloud.
Zeng: I am NOT!
Leno: (snickers) I'll shower now.
Illyna: Thank god I have short hair! I'll be reading my romance novels now! (skips on out)
Zeng leaves, then we hear crying.
Zeng: I look like that CLOUD freak! (sobs) I bet those Avalanche freaks stole my gel!
Leno: (looks worried) SOMEBODY STOLE MY CURLERS!
(Zeng and Illyna sweat drop)
Somewhere else at the same time...
Scarlet: ARRRRRRRGGH!! SOMEONE STOLE MY DYE!
Rufus: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGH!! MY GEL IS GONE!
Both storm out. Scarlet's hair is gray. Rufus', like Zeng's, is in a Cloud hairdo. They storm to where the Turks hang out.
Both: ZENG! LENO! RUDE! ILLYNA! GET YOUR @#%# HERE RIGHT NOW!
Illyna is the only one able to speak.
Illyna: Well, Zeng's a little tad up with his hair...
Scarlet: Oh no! He looks like Cloud.
Illyna: Duh! Leno is upset and everything.
Leno: (whimpers) My hair isn't tousled anymore...I'm not longer cute... (pouts)
Scarlet: Aww! (cuddles Leno) He's sooooooo cute when he's upset.
Illyna and Zeng: Ick!
Rufus: WHERE THE @#%# IS RUDE?? WHERE IS MY HAIR GEL??
(sweat drops all around)
Turks: Uh...Rude went to visit his mother. No one has gel.
Rufus: WHAT!?!?!?
Zeng: Avalanche took them, sir! Probably to do their hair!
Rufus: @#%# THEM! We're going to kick their butts!
Scarlet: Buuuuuut Ruffffffffffffy...isn't that too quick or something?
Rufus: IT'S RUFUS!
(Turks sweat drop)
Rufus: We must show them a lesson now! Zeng, get the chopper ready! We're all going!
Zeng, Leno, and Scarlet: @#$% ya!
Illyna: But Jerry Springer is coming on at 4!!
Everyone growls.
Illyna: But I can video tape it!...Can't I?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aerith: WAIT! If I had your conditioner, Tifa, my hair would be WAY too soft! Right??
Tifa: ......
Aerith: Sephiroth-San, my hair would have graceful bangs, no?
Sephi: True...
Cloud storms in.
Cloud: AH, THERE YOU ARE! WHERE IS MY !@#% HAIR GEL!!!
Sephi: If Aerith didn't steal it, then...Ah HA! YOU DID THEN! (attacks Cloud while Tifa beats up on Aerith) YOU SUCKED AS A BOYFRIEND!
(Aerith and Tifa sweat drop)
Cait and Red: WHO STOLE THE SHAMPOO??
Everyone stops at looks at the creatures.
Cloud: But Cait, you don't own a body.
Cait: SO! I HAVE NICE FUR!
Red: I hate to disagree, but Cait is right, dear friend.
Cait: Wuss! I want my SHAMPOO!
Cid comes in.
Cid: Would you all the @#$@ SHUT UP?
Everyone: NO!
Cid: Damn... (sees everyone's awful, nasty, un-styled-but-still-beautiful hair) AHAHAHAH! YOU ALL LOOK LIKE YOU'VE BEEN TO MY !@#$ HAIRDRESSER!!!!
Sephi: (sniff) I miss my hair spray...If you guys didn't steal it, then who did?
Rufus: (from speaker) Where's the !@$! hair gel?
Everyone in the inn other than Vincent and Yuffie look out.
Barret sweat drops, seeing that only one out of the five Shin-Ra people ISN'T wearing a hat and scowling. Illyna is carrying a portable TV.
Illyna: Oh, that KKK _witch_! Tell her, Jerry! SO WHAT IF HE'S GAY? (sees the strange stares and scowls) What?!
Barret: What's yo' problem, little girl?
Illyna: Uh...Those people are rather obsessed with hair products...
Zeng, Rufus, Leno and Scarlet: WE ARE NOT!
Barret: @#$#!
Yuffie walks out in a nightgown and cap. (Yes, the authoress knows it WAS daylight. She just decided to make it night so she could add in a very stupid comment so this wouldn't look totally lame.)
Yuffie (to Authoress): TOO LATE!
Janis/Authoress: This fanfic is NOT lame!
Yuffie: IS SO!
Janis: IS NOT!
Yuffie: IS SO!
Janis: You wanna argue with me?
Yuffie: YOUR FANFIC SUC...
SHA'BOOF! A huge blot of lightening comes crashing into Yuffie. She dies.
Janis: (looking smug) Anyone *ELSE* want to fight with the Authoress?
Everyone: (sweat drops) No!
Janis: Good! ^_^
Aerith: (to Rufus) Look and mine and Cloud's hair!!! It looks worse than Cid's!
Cid: HEY!
Rufus: Hmmmmmm... you have a point...
Sephi: I want my hair spray...(sniffle)
Everyone starts sniffling and crying. Then breaks out into crying. Barret and Cid sweat drop.
Cid: This is scaring me...
Barret: Ditto...
Vincent: What's that wailing? (yawns) I can't get to slee--... (looks around) Why is everyone crying, and why is Yuffie dead?
Barret: Someone stole all the hair stuff.
Vincent: Ah...
Reader: Hey! How come Vincent isn't whining about hair products?
Janis: Cuz is he the type who doesn't care about his hair, and three people have to keep their cool.
Reader: Oh..
Vincent: You mean there is someone reading this crap?
Barret: By the way, Vinny, Yuffie died telling off the Authoress..
Vincent: (sweat drops) Ah! I mean there should be *TONS* of people reading this masterpiece!
Janis: That's better! ^_^
Vince: So now what? We got a bunch of wieners! The @#$% plot line is slopping and the game must go on!
Cid: We'll have to question every @#$# person everywhere if they've seen it.
Barret: We should ask all the balding people.
Cid and Vince look at Barret.
Barret: HEY! I _shave_ my head, THANK YOU! Chicks like it!
Illyna: CHICK!?!?
Barrret: (sweat drop) Ahem...Gentlewomen.
Illyna: That's better! ^_^ (goes back to watching Ricki Lake) She's not a freak! She looks like my cousin Dan! EXACTLY...oh dear...that IS Dan...
Vince and Cid and Barret sweat drop.
Barret: We should check out Hojo's lab.
Cid: Why there, of all places?
Barret: Because the Authoress has no idea so she decided there would be the best place.
Cid: Stupid Authoress... (waits for a lighting bolt but doesn't get one. Authoress decides this gimmick is getting rather old and stupid)
Barret: Illyna and Cid shall stay behind to watch over the crybabies.
Illyna & Cid: NO!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vince and Barret enter Hojo's lab...
Hojo: COME HERE YOU LITTLE STINKER! (chases a big rat) Getting a two-foot need shoved up your butt won't hurt! (crashes into a lab table) ARGGGGGGGGGGGH! STAY STILL, YOU LITTLE FART!
Barret: HOJO!
Hojo: Eep! Y-y-yessss? (sweat drops) Hehehe?
Vince: Do you know anything about hair crap being stolen!?
Hojo: Nope. Someone is stealing my Rogain for men! Heidegger and Palmer are @#$# about that too!!! (holds up deformed rat) I tried my new hair grower on this thing. Ain't he cute!?! Hehehe... (rat tries to bite Barret's head)
Barret: @#$! no!
Hojo: Look...since this isn't working and the plot will probably go nowhere after this, I'll tell you about the "Evil One": Chrome Dome.
Vince and Barret: (making a face) Uh?
Hojo: He's jealous of everyone with nice hair or has hair because he has none! He's pure evil I tell you!! PURE!
Vince: So why are you telling us this?
Hojo: 'Cause I want my Rogain.
Vince: Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the Inn, everyone who has really nice hair/fur is crying their heads off. Cid decides to cheer everyone up.
Cid: (singing) Give me a head with hair! Long beautiful hair! (yes, this is a REAL song)
Suddenly, Cid and Illyna are up to their knees in tears.
Illyna: (sigh) YOU HAD TO SING IT! You had to sing "Hair"! (hits Cid)
Cid: MWHAHAHAHA! IT'S FUNNY!
Illyna: Humph! I hope you drown! (dashes away to come back with a camera to take a picture of Seph, Cloud and Zeng crying) Ha! Ten thousand bucks easily! (kisses camera) Hello, Weekly World News!
Vince and Barret: We're back!
Barret: Uh...wha' happen'??
Illyna: Cid just HAD to go and sing "Hair"! So did you find them?
Vince: Nope.
Illyna: Man!
Barret: But we _did_ find out who stole them!
Cid: Who in the @#$# would do that?
Chrome Dome: I WOULD!
Everyone (who isn't crying): AGRRRRRRRRH!
(For all you who don't know, Chrome Dome looks like Evil Mask in FF2)
Illyna: (sighs) And Hard Copy is on! GREAT timing! (takes her portable TV and sits on another side of the inn)
Chrome Dome: I DECIDED THAT YOU ALL SHOULD BE SHAVED, BUT I DECIDED IT WOULD BE MORE PAINFUL TO DESTROY ALL YOUR HAIRSPRAY!!!
Aerith and Sephi: NO! GEL!!
Cloud, Rufus, and Zeng: ACK!!! SHAMPOO!!
Cait and Red: EVIL! CONDITIONER!
Tifa: NO! DYE!
Scarlet: (faints) CURLERS!
Leno: (bursts into tears) BALD PEOPLE SHALL RULE THIS REALM!
Sephi (getting all evil and mean again): Why the @#$% are we crying for? Let's kick this guy's @$$!
Cloud: Wait a second! How come we can't cuss?
Everyone glares at Janis.
Janis: Uh...look! HE'S DESTROYING THE LAST OF THE HAIR SPRAY!!
Everyone dog-piles on Chrome Dome.
Everyone: ACK! GIVE IT HERE! YOU JERK, THAT'S MY HAIR! WHAT HAIR? OUCH! WAS THAT NECESSARY?! ARGH! MOMMIE! I WANT MY DADDIES! ARGGGGH! WHO SAID THAT! PUFF SISTER!
Chrome Dome: (laughs) I'M TOO POWERFUL TO STOP! YOU'RE USELESS COMPARED TO MY POWERS!!
Illyna: (looks up at the Chrome Done with annoyance) Boy, that guy is noisy! I'M TRYING TO WATCH HARD COPY HERE!
She storms over to a clothes closet and opens the door. Rude is leaning over, talking in a microphone and working with a keyboard-like thingy.
Rude: D'oh! (speaks in into the microphone) Ignore da man in the booth!
Everyone stops fighting the Evil Mask.
Everyone: RUDE!?
Rude: Yeah, it's me...
Leno: What the @#$# are you doing? What...YOU STOLE OUR HAIR STUFF?!?!
Rude: (sweat drop) Yeah..
Everyone: Grrrrrrrrr.....
Rude: Well, you guys have cool hair!! I was jealous about da hair so I stole everything so I wouldn't be alone with bad hair.
Illyna: Hey! I got sucky hair too! So do Cid and Yuffie!
Yuffie: Yeah...WAIT A MINUTNE! I'M DEAD!
Janis: You're alive. I said so!
Yuffie: WHOO HOO! Yeah, besides, you look like Michael Jordan!
Rude: (sniffles) Really??
Aerith: Yeah! You only spend once a week to shave your head! The rest of us have to spend *four* hours doing it per DAY!
Sephi: (finds the hair spray) YYYEEESSS!!! (does his hair in five minutes) Ah, soooo much better. Ah! Mother needs something...(sigh) Perhaps I should tell her....Ummm....Be right back! (vanishes)
Scarlet: (finds her dye) Ah! Perfect! (grabs hair gel and tosses it to Cloud and Zeng and Leno) Come along now, Rufy! Someone has to do your hair!
Rufus: Rufy?? WAIT A SECOND.... (Scarlet drags Rufus away)
The Turks are quiet.
Leno: My curlers! I'll be adorable again!
Zeng: No more Cloud-hair!
Rude: Yous really think my hair is okay?
Leno and Zeng: (sweat drops) Ah....
Illyna: Yes! yes! Let's go home now! Roseanne's on!
Leno: (looks happy) Yeah! BAYWATCH NIGHTS!
Illyna:: ROSEANNE!
Leno: BAYWATCH!
Reader: ENOUGH WITH THE BAYWATCH GAG! IT'S OLD!
Janis: (sweat drops)
The Turks leave.
Aerith: (uses hairspray) Ah!
Tifa dashes to the shower and fights with Red and Cait who should go first. Yuffie sets an altar to the Authoress, Goddess of this fanfic!
Vince: I'm going to bed...
Barret: (shrugs and leaves)
Cid: HEY! THIS ENDING SUCKS!
Janis:: Well I don't have a better idea for ending.... (shrugs)
Cid: You DIDN'T LET US CUSS! YOU @#$# @#$@ @#$!!!!!!
Yuffie: Ah, Cid...
Janis: It's G rated.
Cid: YOU SUCK!
Lightning kills Cid.
Yuffie: Nice ending!
Janis: Yeah...? Thanks! ^_^
Sephiroth: (puffs in with his back turned) But _MOTHER_!! I'M _GAY_, you just have to under--... HEY! Where did everyone go?
Yuffie: To do their hair.
Sephi: Humph! Wieners.
Janis: Really, Sephi! Aren't you a little old to call people names? (coughs and starts to hum "Oscar Meyer")
Sephi: (blushes then scowls in anger, draws out the Masamune) What the...? YOU! HOW do _YOU_ know! That I....
Janis: Ah...I gotta go now... (blushes and there is this HUGE sweat drop) AAAAYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Sephi chases after Janis with the Masamune. Janis dies. People start a petition to bring her back to life. No can do. There is only one ending. ^_^
The End!
(Oh yeah, because Cid's in the game he comes back to life. A little unfair, huh?)
E-mail the author, Marie the Esper Girl, any comments about her fanfic!
Go to my fanfic page, my Final Fantasy page, my FFML fanfic page, or my main page,
Unfortunately, my old myecom address no longer works. Until I can set up a new email address, I will not be able to receive messages concerning this site.
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