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Friendly Talk With Ken and Ryu
Editor's note: This fanfic was sent to the Final Fantasy Mailing List by Lyn Marelick. She says she doesn't know who wrote it. If you are the author, please email me so I can give you credit! ^_^
OK, in response to your invitation to do our own scripts, here is a "Ken & Ryu" dialogue I wrote. It probably differs a bit from the way you originally conceived of it, but probably that's just because I'm a different writer. Ken & Ryu's personalities in this are based on my initial view of them as "Hans & Franz" (from an old "Saturday Night Live" script) -type guys. All statements made herein by characters are not supposed to represent my personal views in any way. Unsigned opinions represent the views of Lyndon Baines Johnson. All other opinions represent the views of a large weasel that is gnawing on my forehead. (Sorry, personal joke, I don't expect you to get it. :))
"Villains Who Have Tried To Conquer The World (And The Women Who Love Them)"
Cast of Characters:
Ken: A big tough guy and co-host of the show.
Ryu: Another big tough guy and the other co-host of the show.
The Janitor: Has the unfortunate task of cleaning up after guests. He actually sleeps on the set.
The Yes-Man: Ken and Ryu's unofficial ego-buffer.
Kefka: A guest. Also a crazy dude.
Zemus: Also a guest.
Lavos: Another guest...well, if you could use that term.
Thanatos: Yet another guest.
Chaos: Oh No! Not another guest!
Queen Zeal: An unofficial guest.
Princess Toadstool: Another unofficial guest.
Doctor R.D. Gumby: A psychoanalyst.
The Knight with the Rubber Chicken: The knight with the rubber chicken from Monty Python.
A large block of wood: A large block of wood.
[Backstage. Ken and Ryu are sitting in director-style chairs, staring at the wall opposite them, with large quantities of flabby skin sticking out of their undershirts. The Janitor walks past them, sweeping a pile of decapitated limbs across the floor with his mop.]
Ken: That.. was.. probably.. not a good idea for our last show.
Ryu: Yes Ken. Next time we host "Great Warriors Who Saved The World," we should not have them demonstrate techniques on audience members.
[Yes-Man comes running backstage with a clipboard in his hands and two beers. A small furry animal is draped over his shoulder. He hands the beers to Ken and Ryu and wipes their faces, which are sweaty from the glaring lights on the set, with the small furry animal and sits down.]
Yes-Man: OK Guys! We have to come up with a new topic for the show before the day is through. (He pulls out his pen and clipboard.) I'm ready to hear ideas...Any of them!
Ken: Um...uh...
Ryu: ...How about....um..."Women Who Love Supervillains and the Men Who Hate Them?"
Yes-Man: Perfect, perfect! Brilliant!
Ken: No, that's not it...How about, "Women Who Love Men And The Men Who Hate The Men Who The Women Are Loving If It Isn't Them?"
Yes-Man: Ingenious! I'll get right on it!
Ryu: Naaaah...Um..."Men Who Love Sheep And the Women Who Won't Wear Wool?"
Yes-Man: Can I just butt in at this moment and say that I think you two are the most extraordinary talk-show hosts in the history of trash TV! Your ideas are....touched with the mark of brilliance and genius. Should we have the sheep on the show, or would they make a mess?
Ken: Umm...let's just scrap the whole thing. How about "Tighter Buns in 30 Days?"
Yes-Man: Whatever you say. You are the boss. Everything you say is like...to me...the word of a Divine Being...
Ken: Shut up!
Yes-Man: What??
Ken: Get out! If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a yes-man! (Yes-Man stands up) Don't ever show your pustillarimonus face in here again! I'll see to it that you...uh...never come back!
Ryu: Is that a word?
Ken: Uh, not really. I just made it up to scare him.
[Production Manager, a dorky guy in thick glasses with curly hair, comes charging backstage.]
PM: OK, Guys! It's Showtime!
Ken: What about HBO?
(Ryu thwaps him over the head.)
PM: Remember guys, our topic today is "Villains Who Have Tried To Take Over The World, And The Women Who Love Them." The janitor just finished cleaning the blood off the set, and the first guest is ready, so let's get going!
[On the stage. Ken and Ryu are standing side-by-side in front of a row of chairs. The "Friendly Talk with Ken and Ryu" logo is on the wall behind them.]
Ryu: Welcome to the show.
Ken: I am Ken...
Ryu: And I am Ryu...
Both: And we are here to pump (they clap and point at audience) YOU up!
PM: (from backstage) Wrong show!
Ken: Uh. Oops. Yeah.
Ryu: Anyway, our topic today is "Villains Who Have Tried To Conquer The World, And The Women Who Love Them." Unfortunately, we couldn't find anyone who fit the latter qualification, so it's just going to be "Villains Who Have Tried To Conquer The World."
Ken: So please give an..um...really big welcome to our first guest. His name is Kefka, and he tried to conquer the world of FF3 using his godlike powers.
(Big applause. Kefka comes running out on stage, dressed very much like a psychotic clown. He does that laugh thing, shoves Ken and Ryu out of the way, and grabs the mike from Ken.)
Kefka: Yes!! And Welcome to "The Kefka Show!" Today's topic is...(his eyes start getting abnormally wide and he begins breathing heavily) "Twerpy Do-Gooders Who Try To Put You On Talk Shows, And How To Fry Them Using Giant Beams Of Light." With a live demonstration...
Ken: (grabs mike back from Kefka) Um, Mr. Kefka, ladies and gentlemen.
Kefka: (glaring) That's LORD Kefka darnit!
Ryu: Our second guest is a Mr. Zemus, who comes to us from...um...the moon. He tried to conquer the world of FF2 using mind-control and psychic powers. Please give him a friendly welcome...
(More applause. Zemus comes out wearing a purple, silky cape. Kefka is now sitting, reluctantly, in a chair behind K & R.)
Ken & Ryu: Hello, friend!
Zemus: I..am..not your friend.
Ryu: Um?
Zemus: I...am... the hatred! Hate! Hate!! HATE!!
Ken: Um, whatever. If you'll please welcome our third...guest, Lavos, who tried to conquer the CT world by absorbing the planet's energy.
(Lavos sticks his front-parts into the set in much the manner of "Spiny Norman" from that old Monty Python sketch. Big applause.)
Lavos: GRRRAAAUUUGGGHRAUUUUUU!!!!! (The entire studio begins to shake from the sound.)
Ryu: (stilted laughter) Isn't he great, ladies and gentlemen? Let's give him a big hand.
Lavos: GGGRAAAUUUUUU!
Kefka: He says, "Bite me."
Ryu: Um...how did you know that?
Kefka: It's one of the perks of being a supervillain. The "89th Law of Plot Contrivances" states that all evil villains scheming to take over the world
shall be able to understand each other, regardless of language, for the purpose of forming nefarious alliances.
Ken: O-kaaaay. Mr. Lavos, would you like to, er, come over and have a seat?
(Lavos eats the chair.)
Ken: Okay, so that wasn't a good idea. Please welcome our fourth guest, the evil wizard, Mr. Thanatos. He tried to conquer the SoM world by destroying the force of Mana, or, uh, something like that. And our fifth guest, Mr. Chaos, who tried to conquer the FF1 world by using some sort of time-loop thingy.
Ken & Ryu: Hello, friends!
(Thanatos runs out on stage in a white cape. He laughs in an evil manner)
Thanatos: Gwa, ha, ha....(looks at audience) An army of slaves....ripe for mind-control. I mean, er. A lovely audience...and so tasty. I mean, so tasteful.
Chaos: GUWAHAHA!!! (He steps out on stage by smashing through the back wall and sits down in one of the chairs, which he promptly crushes.) SORRY I WAS LATE, PUNY MORTAL! I WAS GETTING MY TOENAILS DONE!
Ryu: Okay...just a question for you. Mr. Chaos...do you always shout like that?
Chaos: YES, ALL RIGHT, I'M CERTAINLY INTERESTED IN SHOUTING! YOU CERTAINLY HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD WITH THAT PARTICULAR OBSERVATION OF YOURS!
Ryu: What does your wife think of this?
Voice, from backstage: I AGREE WITH HIM!
Ken: Well, now that we have all our guests here, I'd like to pose a few questions. What exactly was it that attracted you in the first place to taking over the world?
(Kefka jumps up and grabs the mike.)
Kefka: Hope...dreams...love. They are meaningless in the scheme of the universe! Look at all of you...your lives are so pitiful! You are like insects! What would ever make you want to keep on living??
Guy in Audience: Well...um...I'm not sure really. Come to think of it...(he pulls out sword and disembowels himself)
Kefka: G'haa, ha! Anyway, I, um, kinda decided life was stupid, so I wanted to destroy it. (Caption flashes on the screen in front of him: KEFKA--TRIED TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD)
Ryu: Um, that's an interesting viewpoint. Anyone else?
Lavos: GGGRRAAUUGGHRRAAUUUU!!! (set shakes again, and one of the backdrops falls down)
Kefka: He says, "Because I was hungry."
Ryu: That's a very...unique reason.
Zemus: (takes mike) Gee, I'm not really sure why. I was just lying in an artifically-induced sleep, and I decided it was too boring, so I wanted to go down and live on Earth instead of waiting for those stupid people to evolve. So I decided it might be fun to take over the world. (Caption on screen: ZEMUS--TRIED TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.)
Ken: You wanted to go live on Earth by yourself?
Zemus: Right. I don't like people. I have this...crazy fear of people...I hate them. Plus, if I destroyed the world, there would be a bunch of explosions. Heheheheh. Yeah, that's cool. Fire!! Fire!! Fire!!!
Thanatos: (takes mike) Umm, gee, I'm not sure really, I guess for the same reasons as Mr. Zemus. I was bored, and I don't really like people. And it's cool when stuff blows up. Huh huh.
Chaos: I TRIED TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD BECAUSE I'M EVIL!
Ryu: Well, that's a good explanation.
Ken: I think at this point we can open up the audience for questions. Please feel free to pose any questions you may have to these...wonderful gentleman.
(A big dumb redneck-looking guy stands up.)
BDG: Uhh...I gots a question for Mr. Lavos, over there...Uhh...what exactly is he? He ain't nothing like I ever seen. Uh, what I want to know is, do the Fish 'n Game department of Alabama allow you ta hunt critters like him?
Ken: Well, would you like to answer that? (Holds mike out to Lavos. Lavos eats it.)
Ryu: Umm...
Lavos: GGGGRRRAAAGGRAUUUH!
(The big redneck guy suddenly comes flying out of his chair in the audience as Lavos sucks him into his mouth. He makes loud chomping noises as he eats the guy and an occasional severed limb comes flying out of his mouth into the audience.)
Audience Member: Uh, is this "Friendly Talk" or a Gwar concert?
Ken: Now..remember..we are not here to eat people. We..are here
for...Friendly Talk.
Zemus: Yeah! Yeah! Gwar rocks!
Thanatos: Huh huh. That was cool. If Gwar is really as cool as they look, they should, like, put that guy in one of their videos.
Zemus: Yeah. And have him eat people. If I was in a Gwar video, I'd, like, bite off the head of a cow or something. Like that Ozzy dude.
Thanatos: You're too much of a wuss! They wouldn't let you in!
Ryu: It looks like we have another question, from over there.
(Queen Zeal stands up.)
Zeal: Well, I object to the fact that all your guests are male! Women try to take over the world, too, you know, you sexist frat dorks! And we deserve equal time. So...(she charges up on stage) I'm going to be a guest from now on! And there's nothing you can do about it! Uwa, ha, ha...
Ken: Uhh...call the security guards!
(Two big hairy guys charge up on stage. Queen Zeal laughs and toasts them with a lightning thingy.)
Security Guard: (on ground) Uhhhhh...
Ryu: Ken! Do something!!
Zeal (taking mike): Now we can get down to business. I officially rename today's show: "Women Who Have Tried To Take Over The World." So get off the stage, all you macho twits!
Ken: Yeah? (Throws off his suit to reveal red Street-Fighter clothing) Take this! HADOKE... (Zeal blasts him with lightning before he can finish.)
Ryu: (distressed) Ken!! Speak to me!!
Lavos: (to Zeal) GGGRAAAAGGHHHAAA!!
Kefka: He says, "You know, you didn't really try to take over the world. You only tried to because I was using mind-control on you. So you don't count!"
Zeal: (looking royally pissed--no pun intended) Not true! Not true! I would have tried to take over the world on my own anyway!
Lavos: GGGRAAAHHH!
Kefka: He says, "Yeah, right."
(Zeal starts jumping up and down on her chair.)
Zeal: Liar!! I WANTED to take over the world even before you came along. So let's make today's show, "Women Who WANTED To Take Over The World!"
Voice in audience: Then I want to be a guest!!
(Princess Toadstool stands up. She has a bloated-looking, puffy face, disheveled hair, and carries a huge axe dripping with blood.)
Thanatos: Uh, this sucks. Let's go get some nachos or something.
Zemus: Yeah. Heh heh heh. None of these chicks are, like, even naked.
(They stand up and walk off the stage.)
Princess Toadstool: Ever since I could remember...I've...always wanted to take over the world! I got kidnapped by a chauvinist hog three times...and I had to be rescued every time by a smelly old plumber! I wanted to be the ruler! I wanted to crush puny people at my whim...
Zeal: There, there. I know how it is. Men are scum, if you haven't figured it out by now.
Princess Toadstool: I wanted to kill...KILL!! (Her eyes start bugging, and she begins foaming at the mouth.) I wanted to blow up things! And flay people alive! And drink their blood! And watch people slaughter each other for my entertainment!! Heheeeeehehehe!!
Zeal: (holding the mike up to PT in a very Ricki Lake-ish way) Preach the word, sister!
PT: In fact....I feel like...(She raises the bloody axe and starts looking around, finally focusing on Ryu, who is still shaking the unconscious Ken.)
Zeal: Umm...uh...I have an idea. Why don't the two of us go off and conquer the world together? We can slaughter as many people as we like, and make the men of the world our love slaves...
PT: Now you're talking! Come on! I can't wait to decapitate some heads....
(Queen Zeal and Princess Toadstool start heading off stage, but are stopped and hit on the head with a rubber chicken by a knight in a suit of armor. They fall to the ground, unconscious.)
(Production Manager appears on stage.)
PM: Umm....We interrupt this program for minor technical difficulties. Don't go anywhere! We'll be right back. (Sound of audience applauding in background for no apparent reason as screen fades out.)
[Commercial: "The Chrono Trigger Show." An animated Crono appears on the screen, singing something about the Rainbow Sword and dying and coming back to life.]
Marle: Hey! He's talking!
Voice-over: Yes! All this and more on "The Chrono Trigger Show!" Action! Adventure! Time travel! Magic! Chaos! Looting! Riots! Warfare! Plague! Famine! Whoops, that's "The 8 o'clock News." Anyway, catch it at 5:30 in the morning on Mondays. Yes, we know no one will be watching then, but that's our point. It's a good show, but it was made in Japan, and we here in America only want kids to watch the cheesy slop our animators churn out. So
hopefully, within a few months, after garnering a highly devoted cult following, the dubbers will abruptly decide to pull it off the air, causing an avalanche of protesting fan mail which will be forwarded to Japan by the dubbers, wherein the original company will get so annoyed that they cut off all negotiations with the American dubbers. GGGRRRRRR!! I'm STILL pissed at
what they did to "Sailor Moon!" And furthermore....fffzzzpp...bzzzz (sound of static)
Another voice: Sorry about that. We don't like it when people are that honest. Anyway, just watch the show, okay?
[Commercial: "Whizzo Butter." An interviewer in a tie appears, standing in the middle of the town of Baron with a mike.]
Interviewer: Yes, mothers, new improved Whizzo butter containing 10% more petroleum product is absolutely indistinguishable from a dead chocobo. Remember, buy Whizzo butter and go to HEAVEN!
Woman in Town: I can't tell the difference between Whizzo butter and this dead chocobo.
Interviewer: Yes, you know, we find that nine out of ten Baronian housewives can't tell the difference between Whizzo butter and a dead chocobo.
Woman: It's true, we can't. No. (Rosa's Mother walks by.)
Rosa's Mother: Here. You're on television, aren't you?
Interviewer: Um, yes...
Rosa's Mother: You do that thing with one of those silly women who can't tell Whizzo butter from a dead chocobo, right? You try that around here, young man, and we'll slit your throat.
[Friendly Talk with Ken and Ryu resumes to the sound of a mindlessly applauding audience. Ryu, sans Ken, appears on stage with the mike.]
Voice-Over: Due to minor injuries he sustained, Ken will not be with us for the rest of the show. For the remaining duration of the program he will be replaced by a large block of wood... (cut to shot of large block of wood sitting in chair.) Thank you for your time!
Ryu: Welcome back to "Friendly Talk with Ken and Ryu," or rather, "Friendly Talk with Ryu and a Large Block of Wood." What makes a man decide to take over the world? We have here with us a specialist, Dr. R.D. Gumby, a psychoanalyst specializing in criminal behavior.
(A man with rolled-up trousers and a knotted handkerchief on his head comes onstage and sits in chair.)
Ryu: Mr. Gumby, what makes a man into a supervillain? Is it chemical imbalance? Traumatic childhood? Personality flaws?
R.D. Gumby: I...think...that...it has to do with...the resolution of the Oedipal conflict...and the phallic symbolism of world conquest.
Ryu: Um, say what?
R.D. Gumby: Oh I've forgotten what I was going to say.
Ryu: Thank you, Dr. Gumby. Do you have anything more to add?
Gumby: Well I think that cement is much more interesting than most people think.
Ryu: I'm sure it is...Block of wood, do you have anything to add to that?
Block of wood: .......
Ryu: And, um, it looks as if we have a question from the audience.
(Nondescript guy raises his hand.)
Nondescript guy: Well, I hate to put it this way, but all of you people...all you supervillains... aren't you dead? I mean, weren't you all killed when you tried to conquer the world?
Kefka: Uhhh...
Lavos: GGRAAGGGH!
Kefka: He says, "Uhhh..."
(Chaos picks up a piece of the backdrop and begins eating it.)
Ryu: Get out of here! If you're going to bring reality into THIS show, we don't want you!
(Nondescript guy gets up and leaves.)
Block of wood: ......
Ryu: I wish I could leave....I never wanted to do this anyway....(Puts down the mike) I...I always wanted to be....a lumberjack! (Music begins to play in background) Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia...The giant redwood...The Scots pine... The larch! And
I'd sing....sing....
(He pulls off his suit to reveal a plaid shirt and lumberjack-looking pants underneath.)
Ryu: (sings)
I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay,
I sleep all night and I work all day.
Kefka, Stage Manager, Janitor, Lavos and Chaos (barely coherent, mixed with various growls):
He's a lumberjack and he's okay,
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
Ryu:
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,
I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I go shopping,
And have buttered scones for tea.
Chorus:
He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
He goes to the lavatory...
On Wednesdays he goes shopping,
And has buttered scones for tea.
Ryu:
I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay....
I sleep all night and I work all day.
I cut down trees, I skip and jump,
I like to press wildflowers.
I put on women's clothing,
And hang around in bars.
Chorus:
He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
He likes to press wildflowers.
He puts on women's clothing,
And hangs around in bars...?
Ryu: I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay...
[Screen begins to fade out as Ryu continues to sing. Credits roll.]
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Go to my fanfic link page, my main fanfic page, my Final Fantasy page, or my main page
Unfortunately, my old myecom address no longer works. Until I can set up a new email address, I will not be able to receive messages concerning this site.