1 January 2003
Dear Bishop Hackle,
Have you heard about Turtle, the smoke loving kitty? Last year when Sharon and I bought our house, the first home improvement project turned out to be the installation of a cat. Evidence of a rat in the garage necessitated such a capital investment, but my wife says I bought the feline mainly because I have a weakness for God's furry little friends. According to her, rodent control was merely a pretense. The problem with women, Harry, is that they're much too intuitive for our own good.
Cats are psychotic by nature and mine is hardly an exception to the rule. Running wildly for no apparent reason, stalking imaginary prey, leaping at invisible phantoms: these are the typical behavior patterns of most whiskered wackos, and fully characteristic of the animal I presently own. What sets Turtle apart, however, is her completely uncharacteristic appreciation of pipe smoke.
As you know I have a particular fondness for getting Fair Lady Nicotine really hot and bothered whilst reading a volume of Puritan theology. Lately, whenever I strike a match, behold, my dear bishop, there's a certain strange pussycat sitting right on my lap, joyously sniffing the air as tobacco ghosts violently rise from their briar grave. A somewhat discriminating connoisseur, she prefers English blends above aromatics, but gladly purrs over them all. I'm truly thankful kitties don't have opposable thumbs for if this one did I have no doubt a few favored churchwardens would surely show up missing.
Not surprisingly, Turtle's favorite toy happens to be a pipe cleaner. Those traditional forms of entertainment--balls, strings, even mice--pale in comparison to the lowly cotton covered wire.
Pets tend to humanize us. Unless a man is utterly brutish, caring for a creature promotes many virtues peculiar to human beings and pleasing to the Creator. Were you seriously interested, I'd recommend a small mammal fitting to your personality. Since weasels are illegal, a ferret would be perfect.
Sincerely,
©copyright 2003, Perry S. Fuller
