22 July 2004
Dear Editor,
As an avid fan of The Churchwarden, I have always carefully followed your advice regarding pipe lighters and your recommendation to avoid using them due to the risk of damaging my pipes. I assure you that because of my exclusive use of Ohio Blue Tip Strike Anywhere matches, my pipes are in beautiful condition. But I have landed in some trouble with the state of Minnesota.
Last February, when in a slushy winter storm, I wasn't paying attention to the distance between my car and the police car ahead of me. After packing and tamping my Peterson, I was lighting my pipe with the second match when I realized that the squad car ahead of me was stopping for a yellow light. Cradling my pipe I pumped the brakes as I flicked the wooden match towards the ashtray. With about two inches of slush on the road I wasn't able to brake as quickly as I would have liked and unfortunately I tapped the bumper of the police car ahead of me as we both stopped.
The police officer opened her door and checked her car's bumper for damage. Seeing none, she walked to my vehicle and motioned me to lower my window. I immediately complied and was about to apologize for my mistake when I noticed my trash bag on the floor was on fire.
Placing my Peterson gently on the dash, I dove down to beat out the small fire of burning candy wrappers in front of the passenger seat. "Just a second officer," I cheerily called as I smothered the small blaze in my front seat. My foot must have slipped off the brake because as I was putting out the last few smoldering coffee cups my car again thudded into the police car ahead of me.
Now the officer was really angry. She commanded me to get out of my car. I scooped up my still-lit Peterson and proceeded to unbuckle my seat belt and get out of my car. A cloud of smoke from Latakia and my unintended trash fire rolled out of the car as I opened the door. The officer stepped back and with a look of disgust asked for my license and registration.
"Just one moment, officer," I replied, reaching back towards the glove compartment to find my registration. Finding my pipe had gone out, I took the opportunity to relight (since I was out of the wind) as I rummaged through half-used pipe cleaners, various sized tampers, empty tins and pipe socks for my insurance registration. Finding the paper form, I finished lighting and gave the tobacco a gentle tamp and slid back out of the car.
"Sorry about bumping you officer. . . twice. . ." I began. She was busily filling out a ticket. "Mail this in or appear at the court date on your ticket," she coldly replied. The ticket read: Inattentive Driving Violation--$102; Failure to Yield to Emergency Vehicle-$162; Litter--$125.
Drawing on my pipe, I quickly calculated--one, two, three . . . three hundred and eighty four dollars--all for using wooden matches to light my pipe.
I could only console myself with an extra bowl as I finished my commute to work. After considering what expense my concern over not damaging my pipes with a pipe lighter had cost me, I have decided switch to an easier to use pipe lighter. Despite the risk to my pipes, I think I'll still come out ahead�given the price of traffic tickets!
Sincerely,
Reed Munson
Farmington, MN
22 July 2004
Dear Mr. Munson,
The Bible clearly teaches us to speak the truth in love, thus I shall refrain from calling you an idiot. However, children�and some adults�should not play with matches. Obviously you fall within this category. Therefore, use a pipe lighter with my blessing.
Sincerely,
Perry S. Fuller
Editor, The Churchwarden.
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©copyright 2004, Perry S. Fuller, 2004
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