Americana
vs
"First Lady"
Tiffany Lane

Match by Lord Pumpkin

(As the commercial for ‘One Hit Wonders’ ends, the camera pans directly to Sandra and Garry who are squabbling about something unheard. Obviously an off camera technician tells them they are on and they immediately go from their sour dispositions to a pair of smiling angels.)

Garry: Welcome back, everyone. We have a great match lined up for you next.

Sandra: You got that right. These two competitors, ‘First Lady’ Tiffany Lane and . . .

Garry: . . . Puddin’ Ass . . .

Sandra: . . . have been training all week for this one. Besides, these two ladies are in the focus of BRA news at the moment. Americana, last Monday night, at a press conference, shocked the wrestling world when she announced that the tag team of Princess Peg and herself, Motherhood, was disbanding.

Garry: I still think they should have called it ‘Old and Older.’ I tell ya, I have no real love for Peggy, but she has given her all for an old broad. Americana dropped her like a hot potato.

Sandra: I hate to agree with you - about anything - but you do have a point. I have a sneaking suspicion that Americana is more interested in gold than forming a working relationship.

Garry: Makes sense to me. Peggy was not getting the job done as a tag partner and she was given the old heave-ho! Oh wait, I am being told that our very own reporter, Jenna Jamestown has caught up with Americana back stage. Let’s see.

(The perky blonde reporter, wearing a red BRA blazer, approaches Americana and extends her mic.)

Jenna: Hi, Americana, do you have any words about disbanding of the Motherhood? Everyone wants to know why such a loved team called it quits. Besides, everyone loves Peggy.

Americana: Jenna, everything I had to say was in the interview Monday night.

Jenna: But, Americana, the fans want . . .

(Americana strides away.)

Jenna: (shrugging her shoulders and looking into the camera) Well, there you have it. She isn’t talking. Back to you, Garry.

Garry: Thanks, toots! Bah! Americana is a changed woman.

Sandra: But let us not forget, Americana is the number one contender at the Pay Per View against Yvette Malreaux next week, for the TV Title.

Garry: True. That, of course, is the other big story in BRA, surrounding Americana’s opponent, Tiffany Lane. Let’s look at what happened Tuesday evening.

(The Angeltron shows the press conference held by Tiffany Lane where she announces Yvette was stepping down as the Sisterhood leader in place of Tiffany Lane. The shock on Yvette’s face is clear. So are the various reactions from the other members of the Sisterhood.)

Sandra: I have no love of Yvette Malreaux - trust me. However, it looks like she got hornswaggled. Yvette, for better or for worse, built that organization. I highly doubt she stepped down without backroom deals. Maybe she got pregnant?

Garry: Oh, now, that is really stupid. She isn’t even married. She doesn’t know any guys. Except me. (Garry smirks.)

Sandra: Trust me, Yvette Malreaux has better tastes than the likes of you.

Garry: Well, regardless, the point of the matter is that Tiffany Lane is the new leader of the Sisterhood of Seduction. I wonder if those swell parties will be held at Castle Malreaux. The chef there is great!

Sandra: Is that all you think about? Food?

Garry: Well, there is sex. And my mother. Oh, God, that sounded bad, didn’t.

Sandra: Yep.

Garry: However, I can’t help but think how Ms. Lane has decided to show her a new side of herself this week with such explicit photos online. That was really nice of her. Although, my sources say she is pretty pissed about the whole thing.

Sandra: So, you actually think those are her? She is a slut, but no idiot. Those are obviously fakes. And I mean the pictures.

(Suddenly, ‘God Bless America’ begins to play over the sound system and Americana appears from behind the curtains. She is wearing her clingy red white and blue combination and proceeds down the aisle with the American flag. Many fans are booing, holding up signs showing their support of Peg and making rude gestures to the woman they feel ‘abandoned’ Peg. Americana simply ignores them and proceeds to the ring.)

Garry: Wow! Americana’s attitude this week really seems to have rubbed the fans worse than anyone could have expected!

Sandra: You’re right, Garry. She is not getting a good reception.

Garry: Puddin Ass had better haul ass into the ring before someone throws something at her.

Sandra: Nobody would do that.

Garry: Oh yeah? Give me a cup. Oh wait. It looks like Jenna Jamestown has caught up with Tiffany Lane and Nina Larue.

(The camera fades back to Jenna who is standing in front of the stylish Tiffany Lane and her cohort, Nina Larue.)

Jenna: Hi, ladies. I wanted to get a quick question in to Tiffany, about her control of the Sisterhood. Why did Yvette step down and why were you selected to be her replacement?

Tiffany: (smiles and swipes the mic away) It is very simple, Jenna. Yvette was having some personal problems, evidenced by her . . . flammable temper. She was losing focus and as a favor she asked me to take charge of the situation until she could recover.

Nina: (looks shocked and angry) Uh . . .

Jenna: Do you have any more leads on who or what could have been behind the pictures that you say are fakes? The ones of you in compromising positions?

Tiffany: (growling) Listen, Jenna, those pictures were fakes and obviously a dirty trick by some person who has a problem with the beauty, brains, and brass of Tiffany Lane! When I get to the bottom of it . . .

Jenna: What is the position of Mothers Against Pornography

Tiffany: (stepping in front of Nina) You know those old geezers. They all have memory problems from age and probably can’t remember where they are. (Tiffany acts as if she is going to hand the mic back, but ends up throwing it across the room, and the two beauties brush past Jenna who scrambles to get her mic.)

Jenna: Well, there you have it, Garry. Words straight from the mouth of Tiffany Lane.

Garry: Well, I for one am convinced. I am firmly behind Tiffany’s firm . . .

Sandra: Please don’t.

(‘I’m Too Sexy’ by Right Said Fred starts up. The men jump to their feet cheering as pyro pots explode and red, white and blue fireworks soar through the air. The curtains part and The Babe Squad - ‘First Lady’ Tiffany Lane and Nina ‘the Goddess’ Larue - appear Nina wears a blue halter top and matching micro mini skirt. Her long black hair is styled in a ponytail that falls to the small of her back and blue heels adorn her feet. Tiffany wears a tiny, flag pattern thong bikini that shows off every curve of the sexy and sensual body that she calls her own. The look is completed with matching knee-high boots. Her long blonde hair falls down her back in a cascade of delicate ringlets. The Miss BRA tiara, encrusted with diamonds and jewels rest atop her golden mane. The busty beauties descend the ramp and some of the more patriotic men salute Tiffany in her ensemble. As they get to the bottom, Tiffany hands Nina her items and begins to stretch.)

Garry: Dammit!

Sandra: What?

Garry: I am trying to put together some comment about ‘saluting’ and ‘flag pole’ but it just isn’t stretching out. Oh, that sounded bad, too, didn’t it?

Sandra: Yep.

(Suddenly, a group of women with mops begin screaming and yelling at Tiffany Lane, using a whole group of fancy terms for the word ‘slut.’ Their chanting and singing brings attention to their cause.)

Garry: Oh, great! Everybody thinks that their voice has to be heard. I say we just lock up all protesters!

Sandra: Jeez, I never knew you voted for Mussolini.

(A slight bit posturing by Tiffany and Americana occurs before the bell rings. The official Sisterhood of Seduction fan club, the local chapter of I FELTA THIGH, I TAPPA KEG, is cheering for their beloved leader Tiffany Lane. Of course, they are plastered by this point. Tiffany turns to wave to the frat boys, and before the bell rings, Americana flies through the air with a running drop-kick, sending Tiffany to the floor. The official starts the match with a ring of the bell.)

Sandra: Hmm. It appears that Americana is opening things up with a bang, so to speak.

Garry: Yeah, Puddin Ass is really starting early!

(As Tiffany gets up, Americana greets her with a hip toss, sending back to the mat. Tiffany gets up again and gets tossed back to the mat. Then as Tiffany gets to her feet again with a frustrated look on her face, Americana lays into her with a body block and Irish Whips her into the corner turnbuckle, following through with a body block. The impact forces the wind out of Tiffany Lane. Americana, confident that she has the blonde beauty in her grasp, scoops her up, places her in an airplane spin and drops her to the mat.)

Garry: Well, that seemed kind of rude.

Sandra: It IS a wrestling match!

(Americana has not allowed the busty blonde to go on the offensive. Nina Larue has been yelling words of encouragement to her partner but ever move has been met with a frustrating counter by the veteran. Tiffany decides to roll out of the ring, just as Americana attempts to apply a leg drop. Nina and Tiffany have a quick huddle.)

Garry: Tiffany is obviously trying to rework her strategy.

Sandra: Well, I suspect that she is getting some cheat moves in with Nina.

Garry: Based upon Americana’s behavior, do you blame her?

(Tiffany mounts the apron and cautiously ducks under the ropes. The official keeps Americana from charging the blonde. The two then begin to circle one another. Americana lunges for her opponent, but Tiffany catches her by the arm and flips her on her back, then quickly applies an arm bar hold, twisting the raven-haired patriot. As Americana tries to get up, Tiffany delivers a swift kick to the ribs, still holding on to her, preventing escape. Americana winces in pain but does not give Tiffany the satisfaction of crying out. Tiffany hoists Americana to her feet and whips her into the ropes. Americana attempts a clothesline but Tiffany ducks, kicking her in the back as she passes, and sending her back to the mat. Tiffany dives onto her opponent, and puts her in a headlock. Americana responds by several jabs to the stomach, making the headlock lose much of its grip. In order to make her point, Americana jabs a finger into Tiffany’s left eye which sends her falling to the mat. The official, who suspects some dirty play begins to warn Americana, but she pushes past him and starts to go to work on the screaming Tiffany Lane.)

Garry: That old hag put a finger in the eye of Tiffany Lane!

Sandra: I don’t believe what I just saw. I would expect that out of Evonne Carmikel, but not Americana!

Garry: Puddin Ass is just a bitch! And to think, her little kids are probably watching.

Sandra: Maybe we are seeing a new side of Pudd-, er Americana.

(Americana has laid into Tiffany with a series of power moves, throwing her from one corner to the next and hitting her with plenty of head shots. It has clearly taken a toll on the blonde, disorienting her and making her stagger. Her fans in the front row, boo with drunken abandon. Americana just ignores them and goes to work on Tiffany’s upper body. Tiffany falls to the mat, dizzy and punch-drunk. Americana goes to her legs and attempts the figure-four. However, Tiffany is lucid enough to escape with a mule kick to Americana’s face before the lock can occur. She goes spinning back to the ropes and Nina extends her hand to trip the veteran. The move actually seems to illicit a few cheers from the audience.)

Sandra: This is going to get ugly before it gets better.

Garry: I concur with that!

(Tiffany Lane, with a fury only seen by scorned women, pounces on the downed woman. Nina Larue begins squealing with delight at the turn of events and Tiffany holds the ropes and begins a series of kicks to the head of the brunette. Tiffany backs up and glares down at Americana.)

Tiffany: Get up, Puddin’ Ass! Old woman, bow before Ms. BRA and maybe I won’t end your pathetic career.

(Americana defiantly gets to her feet and for her troubles gets kicked in the stomach. As she doubles over, Tiffany takes both fists and pounds Americana in the back of her head. Tiffany cackles with glee as Americana crumples to the mat. The crowd roars with reaction and Tiffany looks up, distracted. Yvette Malreaux, former leader of the Sisterhood of Seduction appears at the top of the ramp with her valet, Merci.)

Garry: This is an interesting turn of events. Yvette is going to make her presence known!

Sandra: Yeah, but which lady is she going to help?

Garry: Certainly Yvette is going get a piece of the puddin from Puddin Ass! She is clearly in line with the new regime.

(Tiffany’s distraction is all Americana needs to take advantage of the situation. A low blow to Tiffany Lane is delivered, bringing the busty blonde down to Americana’s level. A punch to the ample chest, sends Tiffany backwards to the mat. Yvette and Merci slowly make their way to the ring, Yvette proudly displaying her supple body underneath her white dominatrix outfit. She casts a glance towards the Sisterhood fan club and smiles. Tiffany staggers to her feet and stares down at Yvette and Merci. Yvette graciously bows before her new master. Tiffany looks a bit relived but then reacts as she is struck in the back by Americana. Americana’s shot takes the busty blonde to the mat with a thud. Yvette looks worried that her new master is in trouble. She huddles with Nina and Nina nods, running for a chair. Yvette turns to Merci and smirks. Yvette turns to Americana and begins shouting at the woman with spite and hatred.)

Yvette: You think you can best me with such tactics, Puddin’ Ass? You undoing will be your ignorance and your age. I will put you out of wrestling for good, you saucy old tart!

(Americana seems unaffected by the verbal assault. She lifts Tiffany to her feet and throws her against the ropes. Cleverly, Tiffany slides underneath the ropes and goes to the ground. Americana’s eyes follow her as she goes to the other members of the Sisterhood, and Yvette takes the chair from Nina. All three begin discussing some kind of game plan, with Tiffany carefully watching Yvette. Nina runs to the other side of the ring and begins climbing. The official sees that the Sisterhood has the ring surrounded and Americana begins to look nervous. Tiffany scales the apron with confidence and bravado, going back in the ring.)

Sandra: Why is the official not doing anything about this? This is going to be a massacre!

Garry: Well, it might be. Why is it that when Alexandra Parker and Laura Parker got ambushed by the Body Shop you sat there like an idiot?

Sandra: Um . . .

Garry: Thought so!

Sandra: These jackals are gonna take Americana apart and for the first time, the crowd does not seem to care!

(Americana attempts several desperation moves and lunging at Tiffany, knowing that the match has to end quickly for her best interest. Unfortunately for the patriot, she misses, allowing Tiffany to open a frontal assault consisting of martial arts moves. Tiffany executes a spinning heel kick that seems to knock Americana back against the ropes. At that moment, Nina, on the other side, leaps to the apron and has grabbed the official by the collar, turning him around. His eyes drop when her shirt is shuffled off, revealing a beautifully sculpted upper body. On the other side, Tiffany has pushed Americana to the ropes. Tiffany’s choke hold on the woman is blatant and obvious. Tiffany screams at Yvette to use the chair. Yvette climbs the apron and swings down. However, Yvette’s aim must be slightly off as she impacts with Tiffany’s head, not Americana’s. The crack can be heard even though the crowd is screaming. Tiffany freezes upon the impact then falls backward. Yvette has a lock of shock then sneers as she leaps to the ground. Americana uses this as the perfect opportunity for the pin. She skids across and hooks Tiffany’s leg. However, the official is still distracted by Nina Larue. As he is about to turn around, she grabs the man by the face, pulls him close and gives him a kiss as it is the only thing she can do from revealing what has happened to Tiffany.)

Garry: Yvette missed!

Sandra: Oh, I dunno. I think she got her target.

(By the time the official removes himself from Nina, Americana has pinned Tiffany for what must have been a ten count. It is too late. Nina’s damage has been done. Tiffany manages to kick out from the pin and roll to the side, holding her head. Nina runs over to Yvette and Merci to find out what happened. Yvette seems to calmly explain the events and Nina just stares, not knowing what to think.)

Garry: Well, I think Nina is trying to explain her new role as second fiddle.

Sandra: Right! Have you ever known Yvette to play second fiddle to anything? She has the personality of a jealous cobra.

(Tiffany has backed herself into the corner. She is slowly getting to her feet, using the turnbuckle as leverage. Americana goes for a body block. But Tiffany dives at the last moment, allowing Americana to smash herself into the corner. Americana’s head bounces with an unnerving thud, and she falls backwards, to the mat. Tiffany is the first of the two to get to her feet and she looks around for Tina, Yvette and Merci. The look she flashes Yvette is sheer contempt, as if she knows what had happened. Yvette shrugs her shoulders as if innocent. Tiffany waves her hand in dismissal. She bends down to deal with Americana. However, the fight has not been taken out of the patriot. A swift armbar between Tiffany’s legs is all it takes for Americana to buy some time. Tiffany stumbles back, gasping and swearing.)

Tiffany: Damn you, old bitch! I will still beat you, despite your help from Yvette!

(Tiffany moves out of the way of Americana’s grasp, and she begins to regroup her ideas, staying as far away from Yvette’s ‘help’ as possible. Tiffany’s overcautious attitude, allows Americana enough time to regain her balance. She makes it to her feet and the two women again meet in the middle of the ring. Americana connects with a blow, as well as Tiffany. The two have a slugfest in the middle of the ring, until Tiffany raises a knee into the stomach of Americana. The raven-haired patriot doubles over and Tiffany grabs her by the head, applies a bulldog and takes her sailing into the mat. Tiffany rolls on top of her and the official counts, but stops when Americana kicks out. Tiffany jumps to her feet and begins to circle Americana. Americana responds with a leg sweep, tacking the busty blonde off her feet. Americana leaps up and begins to stomp on the blonde, even delivering one stomp to her throat. Tiffany jolts and thrashes on the mat as the official begins to lecture her on her actions, which Americana ignores. As he bends down to check on Tiffany, Americana mounts the top rope. In desperation, Nina races around and hooks Americana by her shorts, preventing her from leaping. Suddenly Tiffany comes to her feet, much more refreshed than she should be.)

Garry: I love it! I think Tiffany was faking!

Sandra: Admittedly, a clever move by Tiffany. And with Nina’s help on the outside, Americana may be in trouble.

(Tiffany leaps to the second rope and begins to deliver a series of shots to Americana’s head. Nina has released and is shouting encouragement to her partner. Tiffany, with a sinister sneer, slaps Americana in the head repeatedly. The crowd cheers as Tiffany punches Americana in the gut, hooks her by the waist and prepares a suplex from the top.)

Garry: My God! We get to se it! Tiffany’s Sexy Surprise!

(Tiffany launches her from the top, they both impact with the mat, and Americana is in obvious pain. Yvette tries to run to the apron, but Tiffany has already rolled on top of her. The official has counted one, two, three, and the bell rings. Tiffany leaps up and the crowd cheers for the sexy blonde. Tiffany glared down at her defeated opponent and spits some nasty comments.)

Garry: And the babe beats Puddin Ass!

Sandra: You mean, the Babe Squad!

(Tiffany rolls outside of the ring and Nina jumps with joy. Merci and Yvette come to Tiffany to congratulate her. Tiffany smiles broadly but when Yvette is in range, she welcomes Yvette with a sideways kick to the mouth. Yvette falls back from the impact and Merci runs to her rescue.)

Tiffany: Whoops! After being hit on the head my vision was blurry, Yvette. I thought you were Sherry Ann.

(Yvette merely looks up and kicks Merci in anger. Tiffany walks up the ramp and Nina follows, looking back at Yvette, with a look of genuine sympathy.)

Garry: Well, there you have it, folks. Tiffany Lane wins by pinfall.

Sandra: And Yvette Malreaux gets clocked in the mouth for good measure.

Garry: We better go to a commercial before Yvette decides to start swearing in English.

(Camera fades to black.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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