( The camera fades in from commercial showing a screaming, standing room only
crowd at the BRA Arena. The camera pans to Garry and Sandra at the announcers'
table.)
Sandra: Welcome back Ladies and Gentlemen. This match pits fan favorite .
. .
Garry: Laura Parker!
Sandra: I was going to say Peggy Christian.
Garry: That Canadian Bacon Butt? All the fans I know love Laura Parker. In fact
at ringside we have the UNLV chapter of the Sisterhood of Seduction fan
Fraternity. I TAPPA KEG in Greek letters. The national fraternity is I FELTA
THIGH.
(The camera pans to a rowdy group of college aged guys, and some older. They are
chugging beers and holding up signs "I love you, Laura": "I wish
Laura would Park 'er lips on mine" " Dad, Plez Send Mony This
Simaster's Tooitchin Is Do." Large quantities of beer are being spilled
down their shirts but they don't seem to mind.)
Garry: They're having a great time tonight. It's taking four beer guys to meet
their demand.
Sandra: That's hardly what I consider to be a sign of a good fan. It' a sign of
a bunch of drunken Frat boys.
Garry: Is there any other kind of Frat boy?
Sandra: Good Point. Peggy Christian has her fan club here too.
(The camera pans across the ring to a large group of fans, mainly middle aged
women and their children. They hold up signs that say: "World's Greatest
Mom and Wrestler, Peggy" "Never underestimate the power of an angry
mother" "Put Parker in a Pig Pen" Sprinkled in with Peg's fans
are Mothers Opposing Pornography. (MOP). They carry mops and signs that say:
"Sisterhood = Pornography" "Clean up BRA, wipe out
Sisterhood" "Park the Parkers in the Dumpster." They wave their
signs and mops when the camera is pointed at them.)
Garry: I wondered who those geezers were here to see. What do they call
themselves? Peg's Pound?
Sandra: I don't know what name Peg's fans call themselves but they stand for
decency and fair play in sports. I'm glad to see a strong turnout by Mother's
Opposing Pornography here. BRA has gotten too risque for children to watch.
Garry: You're kidding aren't you? They have yet to do a cat fight, no matter how
much I beg Miss Van Dreisal.
Sandra: Well, there will be one at the PPV!
Garry: All Right! Now BRA is going places!
Sandra: Yeah. To hell in a hand cart.
Garry: Oh Boo Hoo. Join the liberated 21st century.
Sandra: I liked it better when women had respect for themselves and their
bodies.
This match has some interesting stipulations to it. If Peggy wins, Laura will
have to work in a soup kitchen for seven nights. I'd love to see That arrogant
beauty queen have to serve meals to homeless people. That might give her
perspective on how fortunate she has been in life and get her to stop her
whining. It would also make Laura work for a real charity for once, instead of
that bogus one she created.
Garry: Bogus charity? They do great work. They are opening a wing at the
Dentonvale clinic just to treat the sufferers of Childhood Onset Neuralgia. And
speaking of charity. If Laura wins, Peggy Christian will do a commercial for
Laura's charity.
Sandra: Why is that charity?
Garry: Because Laura is so sweet and kind she will show that Canadian Bacon
Butt, how to wear makeup properly so that she looks better. That would be a gift
to all who see her.
(Slap)
Sandra: Quit saying those awful things about Peggy. She looks fine the way she
is.
Garry: HAHAHAHA! I just realized that the Sisterhood fan club is near the beer
booth and Pegs fans are near the Depends dispenser.
Sandra: Wait a minute. I'm reading the contract signed by Peggy and Laura's
agent. We didn't get the stipulations exactly right. Is says here that if Peggy
doesn't win the match, she will do a commercial for Laura's charity. It also
says that if Laura doesn't win the match she will work se4ven days in a soup
kitchen of Peggy's choice.
Garry: How is that different from what we both said?
Sandra: I don't really see any difference but you never can tell. The wording in
contracts can be very tricky. It's important to get the exact wording or you may
not know what you agreed to.
Garry: Tell me about it. I signed a contract with BRA to be a co-announcer. I
thought I would be working with a human being. Instead I ended up with a
shriveled up monkey.
(Slap)
Sandra: Oh, just shut up. Here comes Peggy now.
( The crowd goes crazy as "She's a lady" by Tom Jones begins to play
over the speakers. The members of Peggy's fan club get to their feet
stamping and cheering the loudest. Peggy walks through the curtains with a
determined look on her face. She wears a zebra print one piece suit,
sheer tights and white soft leather wrestling boots. She high fives the hands
that her fans reach out to her. )
Sandra: This has been a rough week for Peg. It must have shocked her to be
dumped publicly by Americana like that. It must have hurt to have someone she
considered to be a friend call her unmotivated and unfocused.
Garry: My heart bleeds peanut butter for her. Of course Peggy's heart bleeds
pure cholesterol from the look of her.
Sandra: Stop making those cracks about Peg. She as stronger woman than when she
first entered BRA and I'm proud of her.
Garry: She would have to be a stronger woman after her experience in Motherhood.
Sandra: What do you mean?
Garry: Well, she carried old Puddin' Ass for two months. She would have to
develop strong muscles from carrying all that weight.
Sandra: Very funny. Also, somewhat true. Peg seems to be very determined to win
this match. I don't think she wants to be in a commercial for that
"charity" that Laura heads. She has taken some savage beatings in the
last month but she has come back to fight again after each one.
Garry: Just like a rubber ball. Hey! Do you suppose that she has rubber instead
of blubber? That would be a lot of rubber and would keep her bouncing for a long
time.
Sandra: That's soooo funny. Can't you think of some new insult for Peg?
Garry: Yeah, but BRA doesn't pay enough.
(Peggy Removes her Kimono and hands it to a ring attendant. She seems
embarrassed to see the large contingent in the Peggy fan club in the gallery.
The fans continue to cheer and whistle for their favorite. Peggy's expression
changes to one of intense concentration as she awaits her opponent.)
Garry: I can't wait for Laura's entrance. HaHahaha! I hope she does one
like Simply Divine did at the last PPV. That was the funniest entrance I ever
saw. Hahahahahahaha! I laugh every time I think about it.
Sandra: That was the most insulting display I have ever seen in my life. Laura
and Alexandria were absolutely cruel to Peggy and Americana. They tried to make
them laughing stocks.
Garry: They did more than try, they succeeded.
Sandra: I'm sure Peggy is still burning with anger over that one. She'll make
Laura pay for that insult.
Garry: You mean like the way she made Laura pay for it at the tag team belt
match? I think Laura was afraid for all of two seconds.
Sandra: Well, she will be afraid longer than that in this match. Peggy is
focused, for whatever reason.
Garry: Yeah right!
(Katrina and the waves "Walking on Sunshine" begins to play over the
speakers.)
Garry: Okay! Here comes the beauty of the Battling Ring Angels. The woman that
every other woman envies. LAURA PARKER!
Sandra: Does Miss Van Dreisal pay you to do that?
Garry: Well, not Miss Van Dreisal, but somebody does.
Sandra: I'll just bet I know who pays you.
Garry: Quiet! Laura is making her entrance.
(A spot light picks up Laura Parker. The crowd reacts with the usual mixture of
boos, cheers, whistles and catcalls. She wears a strapless floor length,
Alexandria Parker Collection, gown. Her hair is worn up in a twist with a tiara
in it. She is accompanied by her agent William Wienersnitzel. Laura smiles to
the crowd with that perfect beauty queen smile of hers, the spotlight reflects
in little gleams off her teeth. She bounces along with the time of the music to
the ring. She walks up to the ring and enters it alone. Laura walks around the
ring posing and waving to the fans very much the Beauty Queen. The camera pans
to the I TAPPA KEG crowd. They are going wild, spilling beer over themselves and
anybody within twenty rows of them. Laura stands with her back to Willie. Willie
removes the tiara from Laura's hair. Willie unzips her dress and removes it to
reveal her wrestling costume. She wears a mini, micro white bikini top with a
matching micro white thong. She completes the ensemble with white knee high
wrestling boots and white knee and elbow pads. They crowd goes crazy at this
exhibition of Laura's body. Some of the members of I TAPPA KEG actually faint at
the sight. Pegs fans stare in wide eyed shock as they cover their children's
eyes with their hands. MOPs mops are motionless. Willie stares in shock and
frustration at Laura's obvious rejection of the "virgin next door"
image he has cultivated.)
Garry: WAAAAHOOO! Now that is one hot body!
Sandra: This is shameful. Is she wearing anything?
Garry: Of course she is. It's a lovely two-piece swim suit.
Sandra: I see she is wearing something. I just had to get a microscope to see
it. She looks a little out of shape. Her abs look a little flabby.
Garry: Are you kidding? Do you need even stronger glasses? Laura Parker has the
most perfect body in BRA.
Sandra: Did she pay you to say that too?
Garry: She didn't have to pay me to say that. Anybody can see it's true.
(Unfortunately anybody can see that Laura's usual toned abs have grown soft.)
Sandra: I don't think Laura has taken her last few matches seriously. I'm sure
she hasn't trained for Peg and it shows. I hope Peg teachers her a lesson she
will never forget.
Garry: Laura has no reason to train for Canadian Bacon Butt. You don't
wrestle Canadian Bacon, you fry it.
Sandra: Will you stop calling Peggy that?
Garry: Why? I like that nickname.
Sandra: It's insulting and . . .
Garry: Quiet! Laura is about to speak.
(Laura gets a microphone from a ring attendant. She struts about the ring as she
speaks.)
Laura: Well, Princess Pork we finally get to meet one on one. So, you think
you're good enough to be on TV with me. Whose body do you think the public
want's to see on TV? This perfect body (Laura moves around sexily) or your old
and wrinkled body?
(Peggy doesn't respond to this taunt. She just stares intently at Laura.)
Laura: What's the matter? Are you afraid to answer? I'll just ask the fans
at the arena. (Strutting around the ring and posing for the fans.) Would you
rather see my body? ( The arena is filled with cat calls and whistles. The I
TAPPA KEG crowd is on their news kowtowing and saying "We're not worthy.
We're not worthy" The MOP are looking on in anger.) I won't even ask about
THAT body. (Laura points derisively at Peggy. Peggy's fans cheer her but Laura's
fans laugh derisively.) Well Princess Pork, the fans have spoken. So after I
beat the holy hell out of you tonight, you'll know that the people watching on
TV will be only looking at me. No one wants to see your old wrinkly body.
Not on commercials and certainly not in the ring. It will be my pleasure to be
the one ending your brief and ugly wresting career.
(The crowd reacts with outraged boos at this, except the Sisterhood fan club.
They think this is the wisest speech they have ever heard. Peg merely watches
Laura but doesn't rise to this bait. Willie seems to be imploring Laura to
stop.)
Laura: Peg, it's time for you to go back to your old folks home.
(The MOPS begin singing: )
It's time for you to feel our scorn
We are Mothers Opposing Porn
It is smut that we will stamp
Laura Parker's one cheap tramp
(Laura ignores them and continues)
Laura:Your pathetic attempt to become a wrestler at your age . . .
(MOP sings its song again and other members of the audience have joined them.
Willie is pleading with Laura to stop. The singing of the crowd is almost
drowning out Laura. Laura turns toward the crowd.)
Laura: (screaming) SHUT UP YOU BUNCH OF OLD HAGS!
(This only makes them sing louder. More of the crowd joins in the singing. Now
Laura is truly drowned out. She attempts to speak into the mic but she can't be
heard. She throws the mic down in frustration. The ref signals for the bell.)
DING! DING! DING!
Sandra: Finally! This match is about to begin. Laura Parker is the meanest woman
in BRA.
Garry: She's not mean. She's honest, and funny.
Sandra: She's cruel.
Garry: That too.
(Laura prances to the middle of the ring. While Peg circles her looking for an
opening. Laura waits for Peg to make a move, but Peggy seems to be waiting for
Laura to make the first move. Laura suddenly holds her hands to her side,
pantomiming a matador's stance. She starts stamping her feet like a flamenco
dancer.)
Laura: Toro! Toro!
( Peggy refuses to be drawn in by this taunt. The crowd boos loudly, except for
I TAPPA KEG. They fall on the floor laughing at this. Laura sees her fan club.
She stops taunting Peggy and walks to that side of the ring. She bows to them.
They respond by bowing to her and saying "We're not worthy." Laura
smiles brightly at them. Laura turns and is greeted by a clothesline to the neck
from Peggy. The force of the clothesline forces Laura to flip over the top rope.
She lands on her feet on the floor of the arena.)
Sandra: Parker better not take Peggy so lightly. She's payed a price for ti now
with that clothes line.
Garry: That clothesline didn't even phase her. Look, she's smiling.
Sandra: That seems to be a weak and forced smile to me.
(Laura lands on her feet on the arena floor. She staggers for a moment but stays
up. She looks up at Peggy and does smile weakly. The ref begins to count her
out. Laura ignores the ref and walks over to her fan club. She high fives the
ones nearest the railing. One lucky I TAPPA KEGer gets a long kiss from Laura)
Garry: DAMN! How do I get into that Fraternity?
Sandra: Lose another 30 points from your already subhuman IQ.
Garry: I could do that.
(The ref's count has reached 12 as Laura stops the kiss and heads back to the
ring. Peggy Patently awaits her in the center of the ring. Laura charges at Peg
but Peg sidesteps her and kicks Laura in the back of the knee as she passes.
Laura falls to her knees. Peg grabs Laura by the head and slams her head to the
mat in a makeshift bulldog. Peg grabs Laura's feet and places her in a Boston
Crab. Laura screams but reaches out and grabs the ropes. Peggy breaks the hold
at the signal from the ref. Laura gets back to her feet as Peggy steps away from
her. Peggy moves toward Laura and is met by a snap kick to her belly. Peggy
gasps and doubles over. Laura grabs her head and sends Peg up and over with a
hip toss. Peggy lands on the mat with a thud. Laura struts around the ring
accepting the boos from the crowd and the admiring cheers of her fan club. Peggy
gets quickly to her feet. Laura and Peggy circle each other looking for an
opening. Peg moves in and is met by a chop to the chest. Peggy takes the blow
and grabs Laura in a bear hug. Laura's arms are trapped against her side. Peggy
gets Laura off her feet. Laura struggles as Peggy increases the pressure. Laura
screams in pain as Peggy takes two steps and dives forward, driving Laura to mat
with Peggy on top of her. Laura lets out a loud OOFF! When she hits the mat.)
Sandra: Well there is one enormous ego just flattened.
Garry: More than her ego was flattened by that cow landing on top of her.
(Shouting to Laura) Come on Laura, gets serious and put this old hag out of our
misery.
( Peggy hooks a leg and rolls Laura into a pin.)
ONE
TWO
(Kick out by Laura. Peggy gets to her feet as does Laura. Laura holds onto the
rope as she regains her breath. Laura releases the ropes and moves toward Peggy.
Peggy moves in to deliver a punch but Laura side steps her. Laura, who grabs
Peggy's arm in an arm bar, twists the arm. Peggy grimaces in pain. Laura twists
the arm even further forcing Peggy to bend over. Peggy groans in pain. The ref
asks Peggy if she submits but she shakes her head no. Laura smiles at I TAPPA
KEG. She forces Peggy toward the corner. While maintaining her hold, Laura
climbs the turnbuckle. Laura walks along the top rope until she is in the center
of the rope, forcing Peggy to follow her. Laura leaps off the rope as she
releases her arm bar. Laura brings her elbow down on Peggy's already injured
shoulder. Peggy screams in pain as she drops to one knee. Laura struts around
the ring as Peggy rubs her arm and shoulder trying to motion from them. Laura
grabs Peg's head and forces it between her luscious thighs. She wraps her arms
around Peggy's waist and tries to lift her. Peg fights back and blocks the move.
Laura looks in frustration at Peg and tries to lift her again. Again Peg
struggles and blocks the move. Peg gives a grunt and begins to raise Laura.
Laura screams as Peggy sends her crashing to the mat with a back drop. Peg is
still massaging her arm as she walks beside the gasping beauty queen. Peggy
Drops an elbow on Laura's soft belly. Laura gasps as she sits up involuntarily
and the air is driven from her lungs. Peg quickly gets behind Laura and wraps
her legs around the beauty queen's stomach. Peg squeezes with her legs causing
Laura to squeal. Laura fights to separate Pegs legs but is unable to do so.
Peggy lies back and increases the pressure of the scissors. Laura's face is
turning red as the pressure is increased even more. The ref asks Laura if she
submits. Laura screams 'never!" Laura gets her feet under her knees and
heaves herself backward onto the surprised Peggy. Peggy's shoulders are forced
to the mat. The ref drops and slaps his hand on the mat once. The shock of the
move cause Peggy to release her scissors. Peggy pushes Laura off her before the
ref counts two.)
Sandra: This has been a great fight so far. Peggy is really taking it to that
little snot.
Garry: Laura is just being nice. She's letting Peggy look good in the ring. That
will all stop soon.
Sandra: Yeah right. Your beauty queen seems to have suffered a lot of pain for
her "niceness".
(Laura is standing in the ring, rubbing her sore sides. Peggy is on her
feet smiling at Laura. Laura moves toward Peg and offers a test of strength. Peg
accepts and raises her hands. Laura nails Peg in the stomach with a snap kick.
Peg doubles. The beauty queen runs to the ropes and jumps on the bottom one,
using it as s spring board. Laura wraps her legs around Peggy's head and sends
her crashing to the mat with a huricanrana. Peggy lands on the mat with a thud.
Laura grabs Peggy's legs and begins to wrap them into a figure four leg lock.
Before Laura can get the hold on, Peggy kicks her in the stomach with her free
foot. Laura grunts and doubles over. Peg gets to her feet as Laura rubs her
injured midsection. Peg charges at Laura and begins throwing lefts and rights at
Laura's face. Laura raises both her hands to protect her most valuable asset.
Peggy takes advantage of this to land a well-placed combination of punches to
Laura's exposed midsection. These punches cause Laura to back into a corner.
Peggy follows her in with a splash. Laura is trapped between the onrushing
Princess and the unmoving turnbuckle. She gasps Loudly and slumps down as Peggy
steps away.)
Sandra: I'd say that this match is all Peggy's. I am so happy that she is
teaching that spoiled brat a lesson.
Garry: Shows what you know. This fight has only just begun.
(Peggy puts Laura in a headlock and drags her to the center of the ring.
Princess Peg increases the pressure and jumps up and down to add to the
pressure. Laura screams that the move is a choke. The ref checks the hold and
finds that it is legal. Peg increases the pressure even more. Suddenly Peg lets
go of the headlock and rubs her side. She shows to the ref that Laura bit her.
Laura looks innocently at the ref and doesn't seem to know what Peg is talking
about. Peggy grabs Laura by the head and drives Laura into the mat face
first with a bulldog. Laura screams and rolls to her back clutching her nose.
Peggy quickly gets to her feet and stomps on Laura's face. Laura rolls to
ropes.)
Laura: NOT MY FACE!
(Laura uses the ropes to get to her feet. She screams something to the ref and
points to Peggy's boots. The ref goes to Peggy and examines her boots.)
Sandra: Is Laura accusing Peggy of having something illegal in her boots?
Garry: I'm sure Peg is cheating.
Sandra: How can you say that?
Garry: She's in the Body Shop. All Body Shoppers cheat.
(Peg is embarrassed at having anyone accuse her of cheating. The ref finishes
checking Peggy's boots. He signals that they are clean. Laura has used the time
to regain some precious energy. The ref moves away and signals the match to
continue. Laura moves quickly and surprises Peg with a drop kick to the
chest that sends Peggy crashing into the ropes. Laura uses a leg trip to send
Peg to the mat as she rebounds off the ropes. Laura quickly gets to her feet and
grabs a handful of hair and brings Peggy to her feet. Laura side kicks Peggy in
the belly causing her to double over. Laura sends Peggy across the ring where
she goes through the ropes. Peggy lands hard on the floor of the arena.)
Garry: I told you that Laura would take control of this match. Canadian Bacon
Butt is about to get fried.
Sandra: Peggy does seem to be hurt after landing on that concrete floor. It's
been a long match for her. Parker used that time the ref spent examining Peggy's
boots to get her second wind.
Garry: Laura is one smart wrestler.
(Laura runs to the ropes nearest Peg and climbs to the top one. Peggy gets
slowly to the feet. She gets her bearings and turns toward the arena only to
find Laura 's feet in her chest as Laura has leaped off the ropes in a missile
dropkick. Peg is sent crashing into the barrier as Laura lands on the concrete
floor. Laura is slow getting up but Peg is even slower.)
Garry: Laura nailed Peg with that missile drop kick but once again it seems to
have taken a lot out of her. I don't think these high risk moves are worth it.
( The ref begins counting both the wrestlers out as Laura grabs Peg in a head
lock and drags her toward the ring. Laura then releases the head lock and grabs
Pegs arm. She sends Peggy crashing into the barrier again with an Irish Whip.
They happen to be on the side of the ring with the I TAPPA KEG crowd. Peg hits
the barrier right in front of them. She groans from the impact with the
unforgiving surface. Peg uses the barrier to remain on her feet. One of the Frat
boys dumps a glass of beer on her. The other brothers cheer their comrade for
his quick and original thinking.)
Sandra: That is horrible, that idiot should be thrown out for interfering with a
wrestler. Where is security?
Garry: That's no big deal! He's just having fun. The worst thing they can charge
him with is wasting a good beer.
Sandra: GRRRRR!
(The beer soaked Peggy is standing at the barrier as Laura charges her. At the
last possible moment Peggy drops down. She grabs a surprised Laura by the leg
and sends her flipping over the barrier into the waiting arms of her fan club.
Laura screams in surprise as her body flips through the air and lands across
three members of I TAPPA KEG, which cushions her fall. Willie Wienersnitzel runs
into the ring and starts arguing with the ref. The ref stops his count to hear
what Willie is saying.)
Garry: That's Illegal. Peggy threw Laura into the crowd! That's got to be
against some rule.
Sandra: Willie seems to think so too, but the ref doesn't seem to be able to
come up with one. I don't think Peggy threw over the barrier. I think Laura's
momentum carried her over it.
Garry: Well Laura landed in the right spot. There are a lot of helping hands in
that fraternity.
Sandra: Well there are a lot of hands and they're helping themselves to
something but I don't think the beauty queen wants that kind of help.
Garry: I've got to get into that fraternity.
(Sandra is right about the hands. Many of the frat boys have their hands on
Laura, but even with all that help she doesn't seem to be able to get off their
laps. In fact, most of the hands are holding . . . well lets just say parts of
her body that have little leverage. Laura is in fact spending her time slapping
away those "helping" hands. Laura finally manages to get away from the
hands Peggy is watching Laura, laughing at her predicament. Laura makes it over
the barrier with the unsolicited help of one the ITK, who has placed his hand on
her rear and pushed her over it.
Garry: Damn! I HAVE got to get into that fraternity.
Sandra: HAHAHAhahahaha! Look at Laura. She looks like a drowned rat! Those frat
boys poured more beer on her trying to help her than they did on Peggy.
Garry: She's still beautiful. One advantage of the little clothing she is
wearing is that the beer isn't absorbed by the cloth. Peg looks worse than Laura
does.
(Laura Parker looks like anything but a beauty queen. Her beautifly styled
perfect hair is now a wet mess plastered to her head. Her skin glows from the
combination of perspiration and beer. In her hair and on her body are stuck
popcorn kernels and peanut shells. Laura shakes her head rapidly, in the manner
that normally made her hair fall perfectly into place. This time it only
succeeds in showering the people near her with droplets of beer. Peg doesn't
look a whole lot better. Her hair is now plastered to her head from the beer
that was dumped on her. There is a wet circle that lies roughly around her ribs
from the same beer.)
Sandra: Look that moron referee has started the count out again but he's
starting at one instead of where he left off. I'm amazed that he can count to
20.
(The ref has started over in the count out. Laura and Peg, both exhausted, stand
with their hands on their knees, gulping lung fulls of air. The exertion of the
match so far clearly visible on their face. Peggy is still laughing at Laura.
Laura snarls and charges at Peggy. She rains a series of chops and punches on
Peg. Peg blocks most of them but a few get through, but lack the force of
earlier punches. Peg goes on the offensive and counter punches Laura. Peg's
punches don't have a lot of power behind them. Even though the punches aren't as
strong as before, they still have a telling effect on both wrestlers. Peg grabs
Laura's head and drives it into the steel barricade. Peg tries it again but
Laura manages to block it and free herself from Peggy's hold. Laura reverses the
hold and drives Peggy's head into the barricade. Laura turns and sees the ref
counting. She is a little woozy but she realizes that she is in danger of being
counted out as the ref has already reached 17. Laura staggers toward the ring.
Peg is lying on the floor and she too realizes that she is in danger of being
counted out. )
EIGHTEEN!
(Peg lunges and manages to barely grab Laura's foot causing Laura to trip and
fall to the floor. Laura groans as she hits the concrete floor.)
NINETEEN!
(Laura tries to stand but finds Peggy has a firm grip on her right foot. Laura
tries to kick herself free by landing a couple of boots but Peggy holds on for
dear life. Laura is screaming at the ref and at Peggy.)
TWENTY!!!
(The ref signals for the bell. Peggy releases Laura's foot. Laura runs to the
ring apron and screams at the ref. The ref signals that the match is a draw
because of the double count out. Laura pounds the mat in frustration. She turns
and looks at Peggy who is smiling at her. Peggy mouths the words "Soup
Kitchen" Laura runs at the downed Peggy and begins kicking her. The crowd
boos loudly at this display of frustration.)
Garry: A double count out? What a crummy way to end a match that Laura could
have easily won. Peggy cheated and kept Laura from getting back n the ring.
Sandra: Holding on to another wrestler's foot is not cheating. I agree that a
draw is a pretty disappointing way to end such a good match as this, the ref has
to enforce the rules. I think Peggy might have won this match if they had gotten
back in the ring.
Garry: Fat chance. And fat is the only chance Canadian Bacon Butt has against
Laura.
Sandra: Laura continues to kick at the exhausted Peggy. Where is security? Why
isn't the ref stopping this?
(Neither security nor the ref stops Laura. To the surprise of all it is Willie
Wienersnitzel, Laura's Hollywood agent, that grabs Laura around the waist from
behind. He lifts her feet off the floor and carries a screaming Laura Parker
from ringside. Laura is flailing her arms and legs and screaming all the way to
the backstage area.)
Sandra: You could knock me over with a feather. Willie Wienerperson is the one
who saves Peggy from Laura. I guess he has more common decency in him than I
ever thought.
Garry: His name is not Wienerperson. It's Wienerman.
Sandra: Are you sure?
Garry: I'm positive. I've talked to him dozens of times. In fact, I'm thinking
of making him my agent.
Sandra: Whatever his name is he . . . What's this? A woman has come out of the
crowd and is about to attack Peg!
(A woman wearing a black PVC miniskirt, bustier and high heels has climbed the
barrier and runs at Peg. Peg is lying on the floor exhausted from her match. The
woman drops an elbow to the unsuspecting Peggy's crotch. Peggy screams in agony
from this surprise low blow.)
Garry: That woman is BRA rookie Kimie Kurita.
Sandra: How can anyone be so mean to Peggy? This is unbelievable.
Garry: Kimie joined Evone Carmikel's Syndicate this week.
Sandra: That would explain the meanness.
(Kimie gets to her feet as Peggy rolls to her side in the fetal position. Kimie
climbs to the top of the barricade and crashes down with both knees onto Peggy
side. Peggy groans in agony.)
Sandra: Get security in here fast.
(The crowd begins to cheer as a woman wearing red, white, and blue sweats
with a tank top runs in from the backstage area. The woman launches a drop kick
that catches Kimie in the back just as she is about to do more damage to Peggy.)
Sandra: It's Miss America Sabrina Perizzi to the rescue! I knew there was
something I liked about that girl. She had a tough match against Cyra Min,
earlier tonight, but here she is rescuing Peggy Christian from this evil attack.
Garry: Big deal. She shows she can blind side another wrestler. Some good girl
she is.
(Kimie lands hard from the kick on the concrete floor. Sabrina quickly brings
her to her feet and rams her head into the steel barrier. Kimie staggers
backward as Sabrina rains a series of punches on her face and chest. Kimie
recovers enough to block some of the punches and returns a few of her own. The
crowd begins to boo loudly as an enraged Laura Parker returns to the ring. Laura
sees that Peggy is still down, so she only kicks her once as she goes passed to
get to Sabrina. Laura hits Sabrina on the back of the head with a double
ax handle, staggering Miss America. Sabrina turns tro see who this new attacker
is. Kimie takes the opportunity to grab Sabrina arm and place her in a wrist
lock. Sabina turns toward Kimie, only to have her right arm grabbed by Laura.
Laura puts Sabrina's right arm into a wristlock. Both Laura and Kimie twist
Sabrina's arms forcing her to bend forward. They then proceed to alternately
kick Sabrina's undefended belly. Each kick brings a groan from Miss America.)
Sandra: This is horrible. Sabrina entered the fight to safe Peggy from a
terrible beating and now she is being double teamed by Laura and Kimie. This is
so unfair.
Garry: Sabrina should never have stuck her nose where it didn't belong. If she's
going to get mixed up in someone else's fight, she risks paying the price.
Sandra: Just further proof that no good deed goes unpunished.
(Sabrina drops to her knees from the pounding she is taking, Laura and Kimie
drag her to the Spanish Language announcers table. They wrap their arms around
her and raise her upside down into the air. They hold her there for a few
seconds before sending her crashing into the table in a double suplex. The table
splinters on the impact. Sabrina lies stunned in the remains of the table.
Garry: Sabrina lies stunned from the impact of that surprising double suplex.
Sandra: I'd call it an amazing double suplex, since these two have never worked
together before. Look at them. Gloating over the injured Miss America! Giving
each other high fives and . . . banging their heads together?
Garry: It's amazing! Peggy Christian has somehow gotten up and grabbed Laura and
Kimie by the scruff of their necks and smashed their heads together. Now that is
just plane wrong. She should be thrown out of the league for trying to disfigure
those beautiful faces.
(A barely standing Peggy surveys the damage she has done. Both Laura and Kimie
stagger about the ring area holding their heads. Peggy grabs Kimie by the waist
band of her skirt and the back of her bustier, She starts running. Forcing Kimie
to stay with her.)
Sandra: Unbelievable! Just when you thought Peggy was totally out of it. She
gets back in the fight to protect her friend.
Garry: What is she going to do wit Kimie? She running right toward . . .
AAAAAGH!
(Peggy has run Kimie at the announcers' table She lifts her by the waistband and
back of her bustier and throws her across the table so that Kimie lands on
Garry. Garry falls backwards with Kimie on top of him. Kimie and Garry roll on
the floor, first Kimie on top, then Garry, then Kimie again. For some reason
Garry doesn't seem to be letting go of Kimie. One of his as his arms is wrapped
tightly around her waist. His free hand clutching Kimie Kurita's kiester. Kimie
is on top but Garry still has his hands firmly on her. A well-placed knee
by Kimie brings a high-pitched yelp from Garry. This also causes him to release
the hold.)
(Meanwhile Peggy has gone to Sabrina and helps her to her feet. Sabrina tries to
regain her bearings while Peggy goes to the still stunned Laura and puts a
headlock on her. Peggy runs to the barrier and rams Laura's head into it. Laura
falls on her back, counting all the stars that are circling her head. Sabrina
raises Peggy's arm as the crowd cheers it's approval. Sabrina nods toward Laura
and whispers something to Peggy. Peggy smiles and nods her head yes. Sabrina
grabs Laura's left hand and foot. Peggy grabs her right hand and foot. They
begin to swing Laura back and forth.)
Sandra: While my partner is busy, I guess I'll have to do the commentary alone.
Well fans, it looks like we are going to see the short flight and spectacular
crash of Air Beauty Queen.
(They swing Laura back and forth a second time in a higher arc. Laura regains
enough consciousness to know that she is ain a bad situation. She begins to
scream and struggle as they begin the third swing. Taking her back in an
even bigger arc, they bring her forward and release her. Laura screams "NOOOoooo"
As she sails over the barrier and lands in a heap of tangled arms and legs in
the middle of the third row. The crowd lets out its loudest cheer as Laura lands
ignominiously on top of two hefty women.)
(Meanwhile Kimie has finally freed herself from the helping hands of Garry. She
grabs Gary's folding chair and races toward Peg and Sabrina. They are
congratulating each other on having dispatch Laura and Kimie. The cheers of the
crowd are too loud and they are not watching Kimie. Peg has her back to Kimie
and doesn't know that she is in danger until the chair crashes down on her head.
Peggy is knocked out and falls to the floor like a stone. )
Garry: (In an unnaturally high pitched voice) That was fun except the ending.
What did I miss? Where is Laura?
Sandra: Peggy and Sabrina threw her to the fans. Look at the monitor if you
wonder where she is.
Garry: Those aren't fans! She's right in the middle of Mothers Opposing
Pornography.
(Sure enough, Laura is now engulfed in a sea of mop wielding, middle-aged women.
They begin to swing their mops at Laura, but do little damage. They too close
together and most of the woman end up hitting their allies on their back
swings.)
Garry: Those women should be thrown out of here. They are a vicious band of
hags. They attacked Tiffany Lane at the press conference for no reason. Where is
security?
Sandra: Oh, leave the women alone. They're just having fun.
Garry: Very funny!
(Meanwhile at ringside, Kimie is raising the chair to attack Sabrina when
Sabrina executes perfect spinning heel kick that hits the seat of the chair and
drives it into Kimie's face. Kimie staggers backward and drops the chair.
Sabrina moves in. Sabrina and Kimie trade vicious punches and kicks. They drive
each other into the ring apron or the steel barrier. They succeed in this
fashion to go half was around the ring. Sabrina grabs Kimie and tries to ram her
into the steel barrier right in front of I TAPA KEG. Kimie manages to raise up
enough to be able to grab the top of the barrier and prevent her head from being
rammed into. Sabrina tries again, but Kimie's firm grip on the barrier blocks
the attempt. Sabrina reaches down and grabs both of Kimie's feet. Before she
knows what is happening, Kimie is sent heels over head into the helping hands of
I TAPPA KEG. The many helping hands reach for Kimie and seem to be holding her
in place.)
Garry: (Still in a high-pitched voice.) KEEP YOUR LEGS CROSSED, BOYS. SHE'S A
MEAN ONE! DAMN! I have got to get into that fraternity. What's happening to
Laura?
Sandra: I think Mothers opposing pornography are making her pay for her actions
tonight.
(Indeed MOP has finally learned the wisdom of not using long handled weapons at
such close quarter as many stand holding their heads from their self inflicted
wounds. The camera finally closes in on Laura. She is held across the lap of one
woman by five members of Mothers Opposing Pornography. Two other women are
giving the beauty queen the paddling of her life. Laura kicks and screams,
alternately threatening and begging to be released. The Mothers keep spanking
away.)
Garry: This is an outrage. Look at that party of portly perverts paddling
Parker's practically perfect posterior!
Sandra: I'll bet you can't say that again.
Garry: Uhh . . . I'll bet you're right. Where is security? The fans aren't
supposed to be able to touch the wrestlers.
Sandra: As much as I think both Laura and Kimie deserve what has happened to
them, it has gone on long enough. Where is security?
(Meanwhile at ringside Sabrina checks on the badly battered Peggy. With great
effort. Peggy gets to her feet. The crowd goes wild cheering the brave
housewife. Sabrina raises Peggy's hand in victory. Peggy refuses the aid of an
EMT and walks slowly out of the arena with the aid of Sabrina. Finally security
arrives in enough strength to free Laura and Kimie from their respective
captors. Laura rubs her stinging rear as tears fall from her eyes. Laura
is surrounded by a security squad that escorts her from the arena as the crowd
laughs and jeers her. Security frees Kimie from her band of helpers. Kimie
leaves the arena to boos and invitations to join ITK at their daily kegger
tomorrow night.)
Garry: All that fighting and the match still ends in a meaningless double count
out, a draw. Neither Laura nor Peggy will have to keep the stipulations.
Sandra: What are you talking about? The stipulation said if Laura doesn't win,
she has to work in the soup kitchen. She didn't win therefore she has to work in
the soup kitchen. HAHAHAHA! I hope BRA Sports Network gives that a lot of
coverage. I can't wait to see that arrogant woman being forced to serve meals to
homeless people.
Garry: What a waste of beautiful femalehood. That will er very humiliating for
poor Laura. But what about Peggy? She didn't win either. Now she has to do a
commercial for Childhood Onset Neuralgia. Boy! Who would want to watch that?
Sandra: That's a disaster. Peggy's credibility will be ruined if she makes an
appeal for money for that scam.
Garry: That is not a scam! I told you before . . .
Sandra: (Cutting in) I'm getting word from the producer that we're way passed
time for a commercial. Stay tuned folks for more exciting BRA action.
