The Cheerleaders
vs
Simply Divine
Match by: Lord Pumpkin
Garry: Oh! Sandra, we’re on!
Sandra: That’s right, but we need to shift over to our pre-match interviews. First let’s check in with Jenna Jamestown who is standing by with the current tag-team champs, the Cheerleaders.
(The camera clicks over to the perky Jenna Jamestown, her face all smiles. She is wearing her tight red blazer with the BRA logo and her long, flaxen blonde hair is perfect. She holds a microphone in one hand and is touching her earpiece with the other. Standing next to her are the current tag champs, the lovely and lithe Jenny Anderson, with the taller, more muscular, Tina Dream. Wearing their usual cheering outfits, the pair have the belts strapped over their shoulders and have the look of determination on their faces.)
Jenna: Hello, ladies. Well, what everyone wants to know is what kind of strategy the two of you having going into this.
Jenny: (with a sparkle in her eye) Oh, Jenna, just you wait, I think Simply Divine, er, rather, Simply Dumb, will be in for a shock when Tina and I show them our new moves. Besides, I thrashed them last time all by myself. Why should this time be any different? After all, I have a partner.
Tina: That’s right, Jenna. This is the start of a new era with the Cheerleaders. Those two brats had the belts long enough. Now its time for some new blood.
Jenna: How do you respond to the critics that say that you, Jenny, used less than orthodox tactics to win the belts?
Jenny: Pffft. Who says that? You? Anyway, Jenna, there are times when the ends justifies the means. C’mon, Tina. We have some ass to kick!
(The Cheerleaders brush past Jenna, who is left looking at the camera.)
Jenna: Well, back to you, Garry. Strong words from the Cheerleaders.
(The camera comes back to Garry and Sandra who are looking at their notes, and waves of screaming fans roar behind them.)
Garry: Those girls do sound serious!
Sandra: Damn straight! I think we will se fireworks tonight, Garry. Oh. I am being told that our very own ‘Tinseltown’ Tessa Thompson has caught up with Laura Parker and Alexandra Parker, the challengers, Simply Divine.
(As the camera shifts yet again, coming into focus first is ‘Tinseltown Tessa Thompson, the raven haired, dark complexioned, former wrestler/exotic dancer. She is wearing the red blazer with the BRA logo. Her scowl is obvious to the viewers. Standing next to her is the tag team of Simply Divine. Laura Parker, whose hair was as black as night, angrily stands on one side while Alexandra Parker, with her reddish brown hair, stands on the other side. The two were dressed, conspicuously, in long black, satin robes.)
Tinseltown: (gruffly) What the Hell is with the robes?
Laura: (with a look of innocence) What? These old things? Oh, it’s a surprise. Alexandra and I have quite a surprise for Thing One and Thing Two.
Alexandra: I admit, last time when we faced the brat, we were unprepared for her. We lost focus early on and we underestimated her.
Laura: The cheating by her teammates sure helped, too!
Tinseltown: (rolling her eyes) Or could it possibly be that you two couldn’t beat a kid?
(Laura and Alexandra both get looks of anger on their faces and converge on the reporter. Surprisingly she stands her ground, fearing nothing.)
Laura: Well, at least I never was a stripper!
Alexandra: We can take you, you know!
Tinseltown: Don’t screw with me, ladies. I’m a nihilist! Anyway, back to Garry and Sandra.
(Garry and Sandra are at the announcer’s booth, bickering over some point. Garry merely waves his hand then they are both told, off camera, that they are live.)
Garry: (looking at Sandra) See, I was right! Anyway, folks, here we are, back at the temporary BRA arena in Vail. I have had a great time so far! Snow bunnies are a state treasure!
Sandra: (dismisses him with her hand) Well, while Larry Flynt fantasies about the girls, we should remind the audience of the rather unusual rules of the contest. BOTH members of a team have to be pinned at the same time. Also, this is a no-holds-barred match with all four athletes in the ring at the same time. No foreign objects, but no DQs. It is for the tag team belts!
Garry: (looking up) What’s this?
(The theme to the French national anthem starts up and the crowd begins to boo, expecting to see Marquise Malreaux. However, the boos subside when the statuesque blond cousin of Yvette, Andre-David, enters through the curtains, dressed in his Armani suit and playing the part of the dashing gentleman. Despite the poor reaction of the crowd, he keeps his composure. He slowly descends the ramp winking at some of the more attractive women close to the rail. He makes his way to the announcer’s booth and smiles at Sandra and Garry.)
Sandra: What is that smarmy jerk doing here?
Garry: Shhh. He might hear you. This might be your best chance to land a man!
Sandra: Fat chance! I think he is with . . . one of the Parker girls.
Garry: Andre-David is a great guy! I won’t have you malign him in my presence!
Sandra: Oh God, now you’re starting to sound like him.
Garry: Aw, shut up! Anyway, the challengers should be making their way down to ringside.
(The crowd waits in anticipation and Andre-David looks at his watch as the crowd murmurs, but no music starts and no wrestlers come out from behind the curtain. After a few moments, the Ohio State fight song starts up and the Cheerleaders, Tina and Jenny, pom-poms and all, come through the curtains, cartwheeling and jumping, wearing the tag belts. The crowd roars with approval as the two move towards the ring. Upon leaping in the ring, the two begin high-fiving and pumping up the crowd. They jump on the turnbuckles and begin doing somersaults. Fireworks explode and the pair play to the crowd. Jenny then notices Andre-David, and scowls at the Frenchman. Like a true gentleman, he merely nods his head in respect, as he gives a courteous smile. Jenny whispers something to Tina, who takes notice of him as well. Jenny slaps Tina on the back and they continue their exercises.)
Garry: Greaaaaat! Dumb and Dumber.
Sandra: The Cheerleaders aren’t supposed to come out first. The challengers usually do that.
Garry: Yeah, well, perhaps they forgot the difference between the number ‘one’ and the number ‘two.’ Oh wait, I think something is about to happen!
(The lights in the Arena dim. Spotlights in blue and gold dance around the arena. The Sound systems bursts forth with "Hail to the Victors," The University of Michigan fight song, dreaded rival of Ohio State. Laura Parker and Alexandria Parker run from the back stage area. Each of them is dressed in blue, skin-tight, leather pants, gold bikini bras, gold knee high boots and knee protectors and blue elbow pads. Their hair is done in ponytails. Vanity, Alexandria's valet, enters next, carrying a large mirror. She follows Simply Divine to the ring holding the mirror for them. She is dressed in an Alexandria Parker Collection, blue leather mini skirt and gold tube top. The last person to emerge from behind the curtain is Willie Wienersnitzel, Laura's Hollywood agent. He is dressed in his usual cranberry "disco" suit, a white shirt with the top four buttons undone. The crowd begins to jeer the pair, as well as their cruel prank on the Cheerleaders. The Sisterhood of Seduction fan club, the fraternity of I FELTA THIGH, begins their drunken cheers. On the way down to the ring, both women produce microphones.)
Laura and Alexandra: (singing the University of Michigan fight song)
Hail to the victors valiant
Hail to the conquering heroes
Hail, hail to Michigan
The champions of the West.
(Garry is humming along, and even breaks out into singing, as well.)
Sandra: What in the world are you doing?
Garry: (teary eyed) I went to the University of Michigan as an undergrad. Wow! This brings back memories.
Laura: Hey Alexandria! How do get an Ohio State graduate off your front porch?
Alexandria: I don't know. How DO you get an Ohio State graduate off your front porch?
Laura: You pay for the pizza.
(The crowd especially the large contingent of I FELTA THIGH laugh uproariously at this. Garry, seeing the dagger dig into Ohio State fans everywhere, cackles.)
Alexandria: Hey Laura! Why did they put artificial turf in the Ohio State stadium?
Laura: I don't know. Why DID they put artificial turf in the Ohio State stadium?
Alexandria: To keep the CHEERLEADERS from grazing.
(The crowd laughs again, I FELTA THIGH begins to bow toward the arena with their arms out stretched yelling: "We're not worthy, We're not worthy.")
Laura: Now Cheerleaders, we all know the rules for this match. I realize that you are Body Shoppers and as such have never kept the rules.
(I FELTA THIGH, hisses the cheerleaders over their use of cheating tactics.)
Laura: We all know how much Jenny loves her pepper spray. So I want the referee to take away those stupid pom poms and thoroughly search the Cheerleaders for any foreign objects.
(Laura throws the mic down and she and Alexandria exit the ring. They stand in front of the mirror that Vanity holds and examine their makeup and hair, making sure it is absolutely perfect. The official approaches the Cheerleaders, and begins to talk to them. They seem upset when he insists upon seeing the pom-poms. Upon examination, he withdraws pepper spray from Jenny’s and brass knuckles from Tina’s. The crowd sits in stunned silence except for I FELTA THIGH who proceeds to boo and throw cups at the Cheerleaders.)
Garry: Ohhhhh, so they think they can get away with cheating do they? How despicable! I don’t want to hear one word out of you if Simply Divine uses ‘creative tactics!’
Sandra: (hangs her head in shame) Oh Jenny . . .
(The official takes the illegal items and gives the Cheerleaders a stern warning. He gives the items to the timekeeper who throws them in a garbage can. Jenny and Tina are clearly upset.)
Garry: There goes the bell! All four women are in the ring. On the far side are Willie and Vanity and on our side is Andre-David.
Sandra: But if I know the Cheerleaders they have their friends nearby, waiting for a strike!
Garry: Yeah! Like last time!
(The match is underway as the official wisely moves out of the way. Tina engages Alexandra while Jenny locks up with Laura. The four begin placing each other in a series of moves, locks and counter-moves. Jenny whips Laura into the ropes and delivers an elbow smash to the throat. Alexandra has done the same to Tina, but nails her with a beautifully executed missile drop kick. The crowd is cheering on the women, however, it is difficult to tell who is getting more enthusiastic responses as Simply Divine has their own contingent of fans, making enough noise for everyone.)
Sandra: Tina has gotten control after a failed move by Alexandra! Tina is really opening up on her while Laura has rethought her strategy after that elbow smash from Anderson and has whipped Jenny into the turnbuckle, the tiny blonde, impacting with a sickening crunch! Poor Jenny!
Garry: Whaddya mean, ‘poor Jenny?’ She had pepper spray - as always, I might add!
(Laura has mounted the ropes and is delivering a series of blows to Jenny’s head, the young cheerleader unable to protect herself. Tina has been punishing Alexandra with a series of drops to the mat. Suddenly, Tina has flipped Alexandra across the ring and she appears to be in serious pain. Tina takes this opportunity to run across the ring and throw Laura from her position on the ropes, flying on her back, hitting the mat. Tina takes the time to check on her partner, but as she turns around Alexandra has gotten to her feet and charged her. With closed fists, Alexandra slams them upside Tina’s head, forcing her back into Jenny. By this point, Laura has gotten up. The pair each grab Tina by a different arm and toss her across the ring. Laura follows through. Just as Tina crashes into the post, she falls backwards, Laura splashing on top of her. Tina is in intense pain. Meanwhile, Jenny has struck Alexandra from behind. Alexandra seems to be unamused. Alexandra spins with a kick, almost taking Jenny’s head off. Andre-David looks up to Alexandra, while Laura is not looking, and smiles passionately. She is overcome with emotion at the site. In response to her gushing, she returns love with a kick to Jenny’s stomach. Laura then proceeds to pummel Tina’s in the head with closed fists, while the official is trying to convince Alexandra to lay off Jenny. Alexandra proceeds to flip him off.)
Sandra: Well, that was damn rude!
Garry: Geez, she wasn’t flipping YOU off!
Sandra: That isn’t the point!
(Alexandra’s preoccupation with Andre-David left her open from an attack from Jenny, who takes advantage by kicking her in the stomach, sending her back across the ring. Jenny follows up with grabbing Alexandra by the head and slamming her into the mat, face first. Laura looks back and as she lunges for the small blonde, however, Tina trips her, sending her to the mat. Jenny and Tina get to their feet as Vanity and Willie begin screaming and yelling for their respective girls to get up. Simply Divine quickly switches opponents. A flurry of punches from Tina onto Alexandra and a flurry of punches from Jenny to Laura, keep Simply Divine off their feet. The obscenities from Alexandra run like water.)
Sandra: Your Simply Divine is in trouble now!
Garry: Don’t be so quick to judge!
(Laura growls and places a perfect kick to Jenny’s jaw. The blonde squeals in pain. Laura looks up with something resembling concern. However, Jenny knows it is pure hatred.)
Laura: Oh, golly, did I do that?
(Laura proceeds to stomp on Jenny’s stomach, all the time making strange apologies. She then lifts her up and executes a perfect belly-to-back suplex. Laura quickly considers her options and grabs Jenny by both legs while the blonde is on her back. Laura jumps, putting her legs in between Jenny’s legs, spreading them as far as they can go. As Laura falls to the ground, Jenny’s legs are spread apart and the result is a scream from Jenny. Meanwhile, Tina and Alexandra are rolling around on the mat, like feral animals, punching and clawing at one another. The official is attempting, in vain, to see if any illegal moves are occurring, which most assuredly, there are. Andre-David has looked up to Laura and held his fist in the air, smiling to her - a sign of victory. Laura blows him a kiss and he seems to catch it in the air and put it next to his heart. As Laura gushes, Jenny kicks her in the crotch giving the raven-haired beauty a look of pain as she falls over. Andre-David looks away, not bearing to watch.)
Garry: Jenny is hardly able to mount any kind of offense. She is able to get herself out of the punishment, but it is like fighting an uphill battle.
Sandra: Well, she’s a scrapper! Never count her out. Plus, with that idiot Frenchman, Jenny may be able to take advantage of the situation.
(As Jenny and Laura lay on the ground moaning and gasping, Alexandra has taken charge of the weakened Tina Dream. Alexandra has grabbed Tina by a headlock and bulldogged her into the mat. Alexandra makes good on two guillotine leg drops. Then she picks Tina up, wraps her around the waist, and applies an atomic drop. Alexandra then looks around to see the situation with Laura, noticing her partner on the mat, struggling in pain. A look of frustration comes over as she realizes she is the only one in the ring standing. Laura shouts something to her between gasps of air and Alexandra turns around, and scoops up the struggling Tina Dream, but not before delivering a low blow while the official is preoccupied. Alexandra smashes Tina, back first, into the turnbuckle, dropping the woman to the mat. Tina arches her back in utter pain. Jenny has gotten to her feet and has attacked the struggling Laura Parker. As Laura makes it to her feet, Jenny thumps Laura with a spinning heel kick. Laura falls back to the mat. Jenny turns to get the crowd into the action but is met with a clothesline from Alexandra that sends her head over heels. Alexandra growls as she kicks the downed Jenny.)
Alexandra: (sneering at Jenny) Does your mother know you are out this late?
(Alexandra proceeds to kick Jenny in the head, but the official puts a quick stop to it, not wanting Jenny to be hurt. Laura, who is on her feet by now, is shouting orders to Alexandra. Alexandra does a jump towards Tina as she gets to her feet, knocking her back to the mat. Laura struggles over and the pair flip Tina out of the ring on her back, landing on the hard concrete. They then both turn towards Jenny like twisted sisters.)
Garry: This looks like payback time.
Sandra: Jenny clobbered these two idiots last time. She can do it again!
(Laura holds Jenny as Alexandra begins to pummel the girl. Laura turns her around to give her a few slaps of the face. Alexandra, the obviously more nasty of the two seizes Jenny by the hair and begins to slam her head into the turnbuckle so many times the crowd loses track. Blood steams down Jenny’s forehead and Laura turns and sees it, a smile coming to her face.)
Laura: Awww. I bet you wanna be a wrestler when you grow up!
(As the sinister Sisters of Seduction work over Jenny, Tina has recovered and started a game plan. She creeps around the corner of the ring and spots Andre-David, the love interest of . . . well . . . Ms. Parker. She launches at the blond Frenchman, taking him to the ground. Andre-David screams in pain, but Tina’s ploy worked. Alexandra and Laura both jump out of the ring, leaving Jenny to recover. Alexandra and Laura each look at one another, wondering why the other is being so kind about saving the other’s boyfriend. However, they both start to work over Tina, who, after her time to recover, has more spirit. She proceeds to clothesline them both, in an amazing display of resolve, then gives Andre-David a kick to the chest for good measure. Tina quickly scurries back into the ring and helps Jenny to her feet. They back away from the edge and discuss a strategy while Alexandra and Laura help Andre-David to his feet.)
Garry: Well, Cheater One and Cheater Two had to resort to attacking an innocent man to get their way!
Sandra: Innocent? First of all, any relative of Yvette is hardly an ‘innocent.’ Second, does he even have a manager’s license?
Garry: The man is a Malreaux. One of the richest families in the world. Trust me, I am sure he bought one.
(The action has started up again as Alexandra and Laura have gotten back in the ring. A bloodied Jenny Anderson stands across from them with her partner, Tina Dream. The four merely look back and forth, the hatred for each other seething in their eyes. Laura is the first to break ranks, angry over the attack on Andre-David. She runs across the ring, swinging at Jenny. Jenny merely kicks out, taking Laura in the stomach. The raven-haired beauty falls back, clutching her wound, but Alexandra takes the time to steady herself and launch an attack of her own against the Cheerleaders. First she pops Tina in the head, angry over the attack on Andre-David, as well. Then she spins and takes Jenny down with a kick of her own. Alexandra turns to the crowd and raises her arms in glory, taking in the imagined photographers. For a brief instant she sees everyone around her on the mat and eyes her sweet Andre-David in the corner. She thought to herself how she was on cloud nine. Fallen foes! A man who knew his place! The glory was hers! Alexandra, in a fit of unbridled passion begins stomping her foes. Then she screams out in pleasure. She was a woman possessed with power and prestige! Then it all comes crashing down. Tina Dream, who seems to have recovered, takes to her feet. While Alexandra slowly turns around Tina clocks her in the face. Before Alexandra can react, Tina has unleashed a series of kicks to the midsection. Andre-David, the lover of one of the tag team partners, maybe both, is slamming his fists on the mat, demanding some kind of revenge against the woman who plowed into him. Currently, he gets none. Tina sweeps her leg, taking Alexandra to the mat with one move. Then she begins a series of drops onto the fashion mogul, her elbow going to her chest.)
Garry: Ack! There is some kind of cheat going on here! I know it! Alexandra is too tough for that!
(Tina begins to apply the figure four, in a hope to wear Alexandra down. However, suddenly, her auburn hair is seized from behind and she is thrown backwards. Laura Parker, looking none-too-thrilled, stands above the woman, sneering.)
Laura: Oh? Did I hurt you?
(Laura bends down, picking Tina up. Within seconds she has put the woman in a tilt-a-whirl back breaker, executing the move, beautifully. Tina lays on the mat, stunned, agony on her face. Alexandra has wearily gotten to her feet. Laura shouts out some orders, Alexandra complying. Laura begins to deliver a series of kicks to Jenny, who is still in the corner. Jenny and Tina are both in pain and appear to be exhausted, while Simply Divine appear to be frustrated at their opponents’ resolve. Laura looks back at Alexandra and nods her head. Alexandra flashes a sinister grin. Alexandra then shouts out, '‘Divine Retribution!’ Alexandra drags the punch-drunk Tina to the far corner and Laura hoists the bleeding Jenny up. They whip the two into each other, resulting in a crash in the center of the ring where Jenny and Tina fall flat. With the speed of demonic fury, Alexandra and Laura each grab Tina and Jenny by the hair, respectively, and place them into headlocks. Both the Cheerleaders get smashed into the mat with DDTs, their heads bouncing with great drama. The crowd screams! Each cheerleader is lifted to their feet, sent into the ropes, and plastered via the use of a sunset flip, in perfect unison, looking as if it was a highly practiced move.)
Sandra: Amazing! I can’t believe my eyes!
Garry: Then get glasses, baby! This one’s over! One! Two! Three! There’s the bell! Simply Divine are the new tag team champions!
(As the announcer makes the call, awarding the belts, Laura and Alexandra celebrate for only a moment before glaring down at their defeated opponents. They each take a belt and get out of the ring. The fan club, I FELTA THIGH, go wild with their drunken approval of what they have seen, cheering on this faction of the Sisterhood of Seduction. As Laura receives congratulations from Willie, Andre-David, leans Alexandra back and delivers a long, passionate kiss. When Alexandra receives congratulations from Vanity, Andre-David takes Laura into his arms and delivers a long, passionate kiss. Neither girl is the wiser. Simply Divine ascends the ramp with their entourage and Andre-David falls behind, gingerly helping Vanity with the mirror. He gives her a wink and she almost seems to melt in his hands.)
Garry: Well, the belts are back with Simply Divine!
Sandra: (grumbling) Yeah, well, I doubt they can hold them for long.
Garry: Let’s take a look at some of the highlights . . .