Tiffany Lane v. Veronica MillionsMatch by Lord Pumpkin
(As the previous match entertained and amazed, the upcoming match would prove to be yet another firecracker of excitement. A slight intermission was held while the numerous fans were encouraged to get snacks, t-shirts and a whole host of other items, never thought attainable. The most recent match up between Tiffany Lane and Veronica Millions had just ended and the crowd was still pumped. Average fan, Eddie Marcum took his girlfriend Shay to the concession stand, dragging her along, clearly trying to gain her interest in the sport. Chattering endlessly on the topic of women�s wrestling, Eddie knew that he was not exactly winning Shay over to his cause but persisted nonetheless. As they waited in line, Mark Daniels, who lived on the same floor in Eddie�s dorm, approached the pair.)
Mark: Hey, hey, hey! Eddie! What are you doing here? Not studying for English Lit?
Eddie: Oh God! There IS a test tomorrow. Aw, screw it.
Shay: Eddie, maybe you should have stayed home and studied for it?
Eddie: Nuts to that! This has been a great night! Mark, did you see the Million-Lane match?
Mark: Yeah. Sucked. Sucked to the max. I�ve seen better on WOW.
Eddie: What?! You�re nuts! Tiffany Lane may be the hottest thing in BRA. Veronica Millions is a serious babe, too. In fact, I remember this time when-
(Eddie is cut off as Shay throws him a hateful glance.)
Eddie: But, it really is all about female empowerment and the athletic abilities of women, truthfully.
Mark: Sheesh. You ARE whipped, man.
Eddie: Regardless, how could you NOT think that match was awesome?
Mark: Ugh. Need we go through this? I mean, sure, Tiffany Lane wanders out to Tom Jones� �Sex Bomb.� Yeah. Great. Like I�ve never seen THAT before-
Eddie: You have no style, man.
Mark: Anyway, if you would care to let me proceed . . .? Whereas there is nothing I enjoy more than seeing a blonde with a body of a goddess and hooters the size of schoolroom globes, there is just too much pomp and circumstance with her. She comes out and it takes her a million years to get to the ring.
Eddie: Cause she�s a star.
Shay: (interrupting) She�s a tramp, you mean. Look at the way she carries herself.
Mark: (glaring at Shay) Yes. I suppose I do not even NEED to go into the many flaws of bringing a date to a BRA show, do I? (Shay looks at him snidely) In any event, Veronica Millions doesn�t even really get her music out. She hid and lambasted Lane when she was still waving to the fans. I have to admit � that was an impressive tactic out of her. Typically, its Lane who is the bad girl. Cheating endlessly is always the sign of a girl that gets what she wants � my kind of girl.
Shay: (cruel laugh) Any kind of girl is your kind of girl, Mark. Remember �Traci?� The Hooters girl?
Mark: (waving her off) Traci was NOT a Hooters girl. She was a waitress. Amanda worked for Hooters. If you are going to try and castigate me, my dear, know your facts. REGARDLESS, once Lane went down to the concrete, the official, in their usual display of incompetence shouted for the girls to get in the ring. Oh. Yeah. Buddy, that ALWAYS works.
Eddie: OK. Good point. I can only imagine what Cari and Kenny had to say about it.
Mark: Jesus. Don�t get me started on that. Kenny is a twerp. I�ve seen better organized creatures running around headless on a farm. As for Cari, it�s sad that one of the greatest � and hottest � female stars of this business has been handed such lame lines from week to week! (Cupping his hands and screaming to the heavens) Put her in the ring, Gabrielle! Show us her talent! Show us her ass! Show us her tits!
(As the fans in line around them look back, distracted at Mark�s comments, he merely gives them a sour look and stares at a kid looking at him.)
Mark: What are you staring at? I�ve got some pictures of Santa and the Easter Bunny in bed. Cause they�re your mom and pop!
Shay: MARK!
Mark: Sorry. Kids annoy me. OK. Where was I?
Eddie: I think you were pontificating on your distaste for Kenny.
Mark: Yeah. Right. Well, no more time wasted on that. I�ve seen better put together things parking in a handicapped spot. OK. So what happens next was impressive, I suppose. Lane rolls out of the way, allowing Veronica�s attack to go right into the concrete. That bitch must have broken her arm. I swear to God! She screamed like Eddie here when he saw that spider. Then Lane takes her by the hair and throws her into the ring. Suddenly, its all Lane, baby! She�s here. She�s there! She is KICKING ASS and taking names! She�s kicking ass and chewing bubblegum and she is ALL out of GUM! And just when you think you are gonna see a display of major ass-handing, the momentum shifts. Its like Lane said �OK, Veronica, this is getting too fast � word has it we need to slow it down for more commercials. I�m gonna fall now and you take over.� Bullshit! Bullshit, Gabrielle! Show us a smackdown once in awhile!
Eddie: Oh, I dunno, Mark. Lane went to the second rope, jumped, and missed.
Mark: Yeah, but Lane NEVER misses.
Eddie: Now you sound like Kenny.
Mark: Grrr. Take that back.
Shay: Actually, Veronica rolled out of the way. Lane hit the canvass. It isn�t that hard to figure out.
Mark: You, my dear, either need to be in a kitchen somewhere or-
Shay: Another word and I�ll show YOU Lane�s next move, personally.
Mark: Firebrand, tonight, Shay?
Eddie: (coming between them) So then, after Veronica throws Lane around the ring a few times, Tiffany pokes her in the eye. The official is all �huh? What? Didn�t see it?�
Mark: As well he should have. Although there IS something kind of kinky about seeing Lane get the Hell beat out of her by another woman. That�s why I LOVED the old Lisa Dream matches. Ahhh, a pervert after my own heart.
Shay: Ugh. Back to the story, weirdo. Don�t share your bedroom fantasies.
Mark: Thank you for the dose of reality, Shay. So then, the next thing that happened was completely ludicrous. Lane goes for that visually cool flying headscissors and Veronica just takes it. I mean it was as if she stood still screaming out �hit me Lane, this is for good ratings.� Bullshit. C�mon, Veronica make it look good!
(As the three approach the counter, they place their order and Mark goes nuts over the lack of sauerkraut for his hotdog then proceeds to explode over the price, blaming Gabrielle for the cost.)
Mark: (Shaking his fist for drama) Dammit, Gabrielle, if you�re gonna gouge me at the door AND the concession stand, at least give us better special effects than a damn Ed Wood film! Jesus!
Eddie: Calm down, Chef Boy-R-Dee. You didn�t like the headscissors? But it lead to the perfect set up.
Shay: (sarcastically) Yeah. It let Lane show off her ass some more.
Mark: Oh she did that in Playboy. And what a fine ass that was, might I add . . .
Shay: You�re hopeless.
Mark: No. Just a pig. Of course, there is no better ass than Nurse Ansalong. She gives new meaning to the term �Head Nurse� I bet.
Shay: Oh Christ.
(Eddie and Mark erupt into laughter as Mark tries to make do with the condiments available, slathering on endless mustard and ketchup.)
Shay: I don�t know what is more disgusting � the amount of ketchup you use or your objectification of women.
Mark: (growling) First of all, sister, you�ve been indoctrinated by Dr. Fowler�s �Women Empowerment 101� class FAR too deeply. Second of all, my choice in quantity of ketchup is essential to get rid of that mysterious zeitgeist known as �taste of rat� in my hotdog.
Shay: (Looking at her hotdog, she is suddenly repelled.)
Mark: You gonna eat that?
Eddie: So after Lane shows off her ass, what is your next problem, oh mighty Mark?
Mark: Oh yeah! My favorite move of all time, from any wrestler anywhere � the hurricanranna. Lane executes it with perfect precision, but we only get to see it once. Just once for Chrissakes! Damn you, Gabrielle! Veronica goes down and there is a two count. By now I am just wanting the damn thing to be over so I can see someone else. But no � for better or for worse � she kicks out, sending Lane into that sexy tizzy that she goes into when she doesn�t get her way. My God that is hot.
Shay: You have issues.
Mark: Oh yeah. Serious ones. Anyway, Veronica gets back into it by going for Tiffany�s eyes, cutting short the blonde�s momentum. Wham! Done, baby. Veronica offers the blonde some chops to the chest, bringing forth some giggle for my buck. A low blow from Veronica, while surprising, made for some sexy pouting from Tiffany. Then Veronica did something I hardly thought she was capable of � she tombstoned Lane.
Eddie: Yeah, I saw it, too. Shay and I HAVE been here, ya know.
Mark: I would have figured that Shay AKA Yvette Malreaux over here would have covered your eyes during all the good parts.
Shay: You must think I am some bitch.
Mark: Your words, not mind, Shay.
Eddie: Before a match breaks out between the two of you, you still haven�t told me why you hated that match so much.
Mark: Oh yeah! So what pissed me off � what REALLY pissed me off � was when Lane went to offer up the Sexbomb, she drops Veronica. I mean, she slips out of her hands. God that was lame. You girls are professional wrestlers, not mud wrestlers at the strip bar.
Eddie: (laughing) She did not drop her, Mark. Veronica countered. She COUNTERED.
Mark: Yeah, right. They covered themselves OK. But Lane dropped her. Trust me. I know a drop when I see one.
Shay: Yeah, like the time Marcie dropped you for that law student?
Mark: Let us not go where no man has gone before, Shay. Cross not the line of danger, my dear. Dangerous water you tread.
Shay: OK, whatever you say, Yoda.
Mark: So after I was robbed � ROBBED � from seeing a Sexbomb, we had to settle for a less than interesting ending. Lane throws Veronica out of the ring and the dumb brunette hits her shoulder on the concrete. Rather than be a trooper, she gets counted out! LAME! LAME! LAME!
Shay: I bet you are used to hearing that a lot, especially in the bedroom, Mark.
Mark: What did I say about lines being crossed, Shay?
Eddie: Jesus, Mark, she was hurt. I think she was in a lot of pain.
Mark: Maybe so, but there is nothing that gets me more fired up than a count-out. A COUNT-OUT for God�s sake!
Shay: (looking at Eddie) We better get back to our seats. I hardly want you to miss any more of this wonderfully sexist event.
Mark: (making the sound of a whip with the accompanying wrist movements) OK, you two have fun now. Oh, Eddie, assuming that the Wicked Witch of the West over there doesn�t put a stop to it, don�t forget the Axis and Allies tournament at Northcutt tomorrow night. We�ll get those assholes this time.
Eddie: Sure thing, Mark.
(Eddie and Shay move on towards their seats. Out of earshot, Shay turns to Eddie.)
Shay: I hope � I REALLY hope � that guy tries to sneak back to the women�s locker room to get a peek and gets his neck broken.
Eddie: He got away with it last time . . .