"Miss America" Sabrina Perizi
vs.
"Miss BRA" Tiffany Lane

************************************

The Battling Ring Angels show returns from a network promotion for "Unsolved Secrets of the Mysterious Unknown" (this week's episode focuses on the mysterious disappearance of Bloodlust and Cat Jones). The camera zooms in on the announcers' table, where Garry and Sandra are sitting, waiting for the next match to begin.

Garry: ...so the second gorilla says to the circus clown, I thought the bananna peel was... (Garry taps the microphone) hey, is this thing on?

Sandra: Yes. Yes, now there's a word I know you haven't heard from any women recently. But enough about your love life with Gorillas, it's time for our next event. It's Miss America against Miss BRA. This match reads more like a beauty pageant, but here the talent competition is wrestling, and it's the only part that counts.

Garry: I'll bet they both have some talents I could put to good use. Tiffany's experience will win out over Sabrina's youth, but the best part is that we get straight to the swimsuits.

As if in answer to Garry's words, "Through the Never" by Metallica comes over the PA, and Miss America Sabrina Perizi enters the arena to a loud pop from the crowd. The Angeltron comes to life and proudly reveals 'MISS AMERICA' in a bright font, with the American flag waving behind it. Sabrina is wearing a light blue sash with the words 'Miss America' on it. Her hair is in a braid and she's all smiles to her fans. After a few moments, several flashpots explode and with great excitement, Sabrina slaps hands with the fans on her way down to ringside and exchanges high fives with them. Sabrina enters the ring and poses, while red, white and blue flashpots explode behind her.

Sandra: What an entrance! Sabrina has the physical edge here, and her youth will give her the resilience she needs to win.

Garry: What she needs is a good beat-down, which the real beauty queen of BRA will be all too happy to give. Mmmmm, it turns me on just thinkin' about it.

Hoku's "Another Dumb Blonde" blasts from the speakers. Red, white and blue fireworks soar through the air as "The Goddess" Nina Larue steps from behind the curtain, an arrogant smirk on her lovely face. Nina wears a navy blue halter top and matching micro-mini skirt. She completes the look with matching heels and her long, black hair falls straight down her back. The bewitching brunette steps aside and "Miss BRA" Tiffany Lane appears. Tiffany wears a flag-pattern, thong bakini, showing off her curvaceous figure and ample cleavage. She completes the look with white, knee-high boots and her long, blonde hair falls down her back in a cascade of curls. The two busty beauties pose on the entrance ramp, soaking in the catcalls and whistles from the crowd, before stalking to ringside. A few males in the crowd salute Tiffany, paying tribute to her patriotic ensemble. Other males quickly sit down, saluting in a slightly different way. The referee holds the ropes open, allowing the two women to elegantly enter the ring. Tiffany does a seductive little shimmy and shake, causing massive cheers from the male fans. Tiffany and Nina high-five each other before Nina exits the ring. Tiffany proceeds to pose and preen, catcalls still echoing through the arena.

Garry: God bless America!

Sabrina and Tiffany square off inside the ring, sizing each other up. Sabrina circles to her left and bounces off the ropes. She and Tiffany collide, and Sabrina's shoulder block sends Tiffany to the mat.

Sandra: Sabrina is showing her power here. She outweighs Tiff slightly.

Tiffany rolls to catch Sabrina's leg, but Miss America jumps over, bouncing off the ropes on the other side. Tiffany quickly gets to her feet and leap-frogs the charging Sabrina. Tiffany then turns, jumps forward and tries a cross body block, but Perizi anticipates and catches her coming in with a dropkick. The crowd rises up and goes wild as Tiffany crumples and rolls around on the mat, trying to catch her breath.

Garry: Yow, that mafia queen Perizi hits hard. She almost took off Miss BRA's clasp, I mean head. I hope Sabrina doesn't start sending her goons after me demanding "protection money," because I can't afford to be extorted.

Perizi walks up to the downed Miss BRA and puts her in an armbar. Sabrina then knees Tiffany repeatedly in the gut, and an audible "Oof!" can be heard escaping Miss BRA's lips.

Sandra: Spend all your money on banannas, huh Garry? Well the fans sure appreciated Miss America's great move. They know class when they see it, and Sabrina is classy, not some mafia broad like Tiffany tries to portray her.

Just as Sandra finishes her sentence, Yvette Malreux strides up to the table, having quietly entered while the crowd was cheering and waving their banners. She is dressed in black boxer shorts, black boots and a black cut-off BRA t-shirt, her blonde hair tied behind her. The Marquise DeSade watches Nina Larue hop up on the apron, then lowers herself down and uses her posterior to forcibly shove Sandra over to the chair between her and Garry.

Yvette: Move over, peasant! You foolish Americans would not know class if it bit you on the backside. Except perhaps Garry here, he is a scant exception, one of very few points of light in this miserable country.

In the ring, Sabrina lifts Tiffany up. Miss BRA's shoulder gets dropped straight down on Miss America's knee, and Sabrina follows this by steppng over Tiffany and locking on an STF. Tiffany is seeing stars, and screams from the pain. However, Sabrina is near the ropes and does not see Nina Larue sliding along the apron.

Sandra: Sabrina's really been dominating so far, but I think some mischief is afoot!

Yvette: Foolish woman, why do you not cease your incessant yammering! I cannot even watch with your disruption. Garry, how can you allow this worthless peasant to sit at the same table with you?

Nina strolls to a position where Sabrina blocks the ref's view of her actions, reaches her leg through the ropes and calmly drives her heel hard into the front of Perizi's left knee. Sabrina releases her hold and falls backward into the center of the ring, and Tiffany rolls outside the ring to take a much-needed breather.

Garry: Hey Yvette, how do you like that, the mafia queen had someone else bust up her kneecaps. How Ironic. I guess Nina won't win Miss Congeniality, but she sure is sexy.

Yvette: (stifles a chuckle) Oui oui, it is quite amusing. How such a poorly run country could spawn a clever comical mind like you Garry, I will never know. You are like shades of Jerry Lewis, non?

Sandra: Good grief!

Sabrina backs up and leans against the ropes, rubbing her damaged knee. Nina helps Tiffany to her feet, and they whisper a few words to each other. Suddenly "The Professor" Shannon McCourt charges out and down the arena ramp to the ring area. Just as she passes the announcers' table, The Professor trips and falls over, landing on the floor next to the ring apron. Yvette nonchalantly pulls her foot back underneath the table.

Yvette: (laughing into the microphone) Another disgruntled beauty contestant? Mais non. Tres sorry, mon professeur, perhaps this lecture hall is filled already? I think it is.

Shannon scowls at the Marquise and stumbles to her feet. Nina spots the Professor and nails her with a running dropkick, which sends McCourt hurtling into the steel gate. In the ring, the referee has reached a count of 11.

Garry: Marquise, your commentating skills are almost the equal of your wrestling skills. You certainly are a noble lady of many talents. I'm sure if you did not have a higher calling your beauty would put all of these contestants to shame.

Yvette: You are quite correct as usual, Garry. Ah look, it seems the "Profeseur" has forgotten her lesson plan.

Sandra: You two are just awful together.

Yvette: Silence, whelp!

At the count of eighteen, a recovered Tiffany steps back through the ropes into the ring. A fully charged Sabrina bounces off the ropes and does a baseball slide, trying to take out Tiffany's legs. Miss Bra sidesteps, rakes Sabrina's eyes and grabs Sabrina by the head. Tiffany steps between Sabrina and the referee. She slams her head down to the mat repeatedly, gripping by the braid in her hair. After a great deal of cheering, the crowd goes suddenly silent.

Sandra: Hey, that's not legal! Hey ref, watch the hair!

The referee walks around Tiffany, steps in and warns her not to pull on Sabrina's hair. Miss BRA releases, but then snaps a kick, landing her foot directly between Miss America's legs. Scattered boos can be heard from the crowd, as Sabrina's jaw drops and she crumples to the mat. The referee pushes Tiffany back, warning her again about the use of illegal maneuvers.

Garry: A hard kick to the thigh by Miss BRA practically crippled the mafia queen.

Sandra: Thigh, my eye!

Tiffany steps past the referee and lands a slap to the face of Miss America just as she gets up. She then locks sabrina in a side headlock, again turning her body so she is in-between the ref and her opponent.

Tiffany: (shouting) You will never, ever compare to Miss BRA! You will forever be a pale imitation!

Sabrina tries to respond, sputtering out something unintelligible.

Sandra: Hey! That's a choke, she's choking her!

Yvette: If it were, the referee would have seen it, non?

Garry: Certainly, a wise deduction your grace.

As the referee circles to get a better look, Tiffany changes back from a choke to a headlock. Miss BRA then runs forward, dragging Sabrina with her. Tiffany jumps in the air for a bulldog, but Sabrina finds the presence of mind to push forward and slip her head out. Tiffany lands hard on her back, and the audience starts cheering even louder than before. Sabrina slowly regains her balance and massages her throat, gaining energy from the cheers of the capacity crowd.

Sandra: Wow! What skill, what focus, what...

Garry: What's the difference, that greasy mafia queen is going to lose soon anyway. If not to Tiffany, then certainly to Yvette at the pay-per-view.

Tiffany shakes out the cobwebs, rolls over and gets back to her feet, just in time to be caught with a vicious knife-hand thrust to her neck.

Sandra: Don't speak so soon, you might be eating those words. With the kind of shape you're in, an all-words diet might be just the thing.

Sabrina steps forward and wraps her arms around Tiffany's waist. She lifts Lane up in the air. Sabrina extends her knee forward between Tiffany's legs and brings her swiftly down on top of it. A barely audible squeak escapes the O-shaped lips of Miss BRA, who stumbles forward into a front facelock by Sabrina. The crowd holds its collective breath as well.

Garry: Ouch, that'll make the evening gown fit a little tighter.

Sandra: Yes, Tiff is getting a taste of her own medicine. More importantly Sabrina is winning and doing it legally. I'm so proud of her.

Miss America lowers herself and gets a good grip on Tiffany, before lifting her high into the air. Sabrina then turns and plants Tiffany's head into the mat in a huge death-valley driver. Perizi follows quickly by dropping her forehead on Tiffany's abdomen, which draws a loud "UNNHHH" as all remaining wind is driven from Tiffany's diaphragm.

Garry: That mafia chick just keeps getting luckier and luckier, but her luck's sure to run out.

Sabrina stands up and shakes her fist in the air, to the delight of her fans, who are happily cheering and waving.

Yvette: Indeed Garry, the girl simply got lucky. You shall see, Tiffany Lane will soon make that inferior Perizi pay for her arrogance! And while she can barely stand the beating Miss BRA will administer, soon she will feel a pain worse than ever before in her life. In her agony she will beg, plead, and scream the name of Yvette!

Meanwhile, Shannon McCourt has gotten to her feet. She sees Nina and Yvette, then sees that Sabrina has the advantage in the ring. While she hates to see evil go unpunished, she still has her own match to worry about. Deciding at this point that discretion is the better part of valor, the Professor decides Sabrina can take care of herself from here. McCourt jogs back to the dressing room, giving Yvette a dirty look as she passes the announcers' table.

Yvette: Ah yes, I guess this lecture has been cancelled.

Sandra: Sabrina has lifted Tiffany to her feet. She ducks under Tiff's arm and grabs her around the waist. Tiffany Lane is in trouble! Sabrina lifts her up high... and... Northern lights suplex!

Yvette stands up in anticipation.

Yvette: c'est pas finit!

The building practically rocks with cheers as Sabrina leans backward, hanging on to the waist of Miss BRA. She forms a bridge to pin Tiffany.

ONE!

TWO!

Just as the referee counts two, he feels a firm pinch on his behind. He turns and sees Nina Larue smiling seductively at him. Nina extends her index finger and motions him closer. The referee tries to ignore her, realizing he was supposed to make the third count. He returns to his knees and starts to bring his hand down a third time, but by this time Tiffany has managed to roll out.

Sandra: Sabrina would've had the win again, if not for Nina's interference.

Yvette: Nonsense!

Garry: Yeah, Sabrina just tried for a pin in the wrong place and fell into Miss BRA's strap, I mean trap.

The cheers subside, and Sabrina looks around, trying to figure out why the referee did not finish his count to three. Then she spots Nina on the ring apron and identifies the source of the distraction. Tiffany is on her hands and knees, still groggy from all the punishment she has received.

Sandra: Sabrina's heading toward the ropes, and... WOW!, she just nailed Nina with a forearm to the chest! Larue is just barely hanging onto the top rope.

Yvette: How dare she! The sniveling tot has no right to... Mon Dieu!

Sabrina dives over the top rope and over Nina, grabbing her waist on the way. She thereby performs an arabian powerbomb, slamming Nina straight down onto the concrete. All Larue can do is grab the back of her head and wince, nearly knocked straight out by the devestating move. The source of her frustration eliminated, Miss America turns her attention back to the ring.

Sandra: What a move! Yvette, this has to make you worry just a little about how you're going to be able to handle a competitor like Miss America.

Yvette: Actually, yes. Perhaps I have been too gentle recently, too soft. As much as I was going to make that trollop suffer before, now it shall be doubly so.

While Sabrina was taking out Nina, Tiffany used the time to recover, and is waiting for Perizi when she re-enters. Though still somewhat groggy, Tiffany lands a kick to the stomach and lifts Sabrina up over the ropes for a suplex. However, Sabrina tries to flip over and Tiffany adjusts, accidentally dropping Miss America back on the ropes neck first. Perizi awkwardly flips backward from the ropes and rolls off the apron, landing hard right next to Nina on the floor.

Tiffany: (yelling) Sabrina, you're just another dumb blonde!

Tiffany prances around the ring, shaking her fist. The crowd responds with a mix of busy chatter, catcalls and a smattering of boos.

Garry: Looks like this time that poser's countermove didn't work like she expected.

Sandra: Now that was just some bad luck. And I wish the alleged "Miss BRA" would shut her mouth for once.

Sabrina gets up slowly, next to Nina who is still on the ground holding the back of her head. As Miss America stands, the fans give her a polite round of applause.

Garry: It's fine by me if the contestants talk, as long as there's nothing about world peace or saving some cute fuzzy animals.

Sabrina rolls herself back into the ring at the count of eleven, and is immediately met with a barrage of kicks to the chest.

Yvette: Mon ami, Garry, do not worry, the only cute fuzzy animal I care about is you. (she strokes Garry's receding hairline, pursing her lips in a grin.)

Sandra: Was that a compliment or an insult?

Garry: (wide grin) Both.

Tiffany drags Miss America to her feet. Just as Sabrina gets up, Tiffany's hand slaps her hard across the face.

Tiffany: Miss BRA 3:16 says that I just smacked the taste out of your mouth!

Garry: Great speech! I give her a ten.

Miss BRA backs up, bounces off the ropes and catches Sabrina with a cross-body block near the center of the ring. Tiffany hooks the leg and the referee drops down to count.

Yvette once again stands up.

Yvette: Could it be?

ONE!

TWO!

Sabrina kicks out at two and a half. Tiffany slaps the mat in frustration. She picks up Sabrina by her hair, lifts her and slams her hard to the mat. Miss BRA then makes a figurative slit-throat gesture, runs and climbs to the top rope.

Garry: If Tiff hits this one that's all she wrote!

Tiffany raises her arms and dives into a frog splash, hitting nothing but mat as Miss America rolls out of the way.

Sandra: see, Sabrina was playing possum, she knew what she was doing all along.

Sabrina stands up slowly and pulls Tiffany up with her. She kicks Lane in the back, then throws her into the ropes and knees her in her already-hurt stomach.

Garry: Oww, the mafia queen is merciless!

Sandra: Sabrina is a hero to millions of fans, quit calling her that stupid name.

Sabrina hooks a face lock and grabs Tiffany behind the leg. Miss America then leans back and rolls from a brutal DDT directly into a cradle pin.

Yvette rises from her seat a third time.

Yvette: Is this all for my dear friend Tiffany? But no, she would not allow such a slight.

After a few moments of waiting for a count, Sabrina yells for the referee, but his attention is now focused outside the ring. Nina has recovered from the blow she took earlier, and is doing a seductive striptease back on the apron. Nina's halter top opens and closes toward the ref, then she slides her skirt provocatively upward along the contour of her leg. Soon Nina is wearing nothing but her bra and panties, still shimmying seductively on the apron.

Garry: Oh yeah! Go Nina! Woo-hoo!

Sabrina lets go of the dazed Tiffany, stands up and taps the referee on the shoulder, pointing toward the ring. The ref comes to his senses and turns back around. Sabrina runs quickly to the second rope and drops a leg hard on Tiffany's throat. She then climbs all the way to the top rope, the crowd roaring like thunder.

Sandra: This could be the end of the road for Tiffany Lane!

Tiffany puts together a final burst of energy and swiftly stands, just as Sabrina is getting to the top rope. Tiffany swipes at one of Sabrina's legs, throwing her off balance. There is a hush from the fans.

Yvette: I told you Tiffany would endure, did I not? She is clearly the superior contestant in this... pageant, as it were.

Sandra: But Tiffany has taken a lot more damage, right now she's going purely on instinct and adrenaline. Sabrina will win unless the self-styled "Miss BRA" can pull off something dramatic.

As Sabrina struggles to right herself, Miss BRA runs up to the top rope, standing right next to the teetering Sabrina. With the last ounce of energy she has left, Tiffany jumps high and locks her legs around Miss America's head. Lane falls sideways toward the ring, pulling Perizi all the way down to the mat headfirst, landing with a loud "Boom."

Yvette stands up once again

Yvette: A Super-rana! Is this dramatic enough? Tiffany has gifted the beauty-pageant fans with her exquisite "sexy surprise!"

Tiffany, completely out of energy, rolls her aching body over and crawls toward Sabrina, who has not yet regained her senses from the devestating maneuver.

Sandra: Are you sure? That wasn't the same move she called her sexy surprise last time.

Garry: If it was always the same move, then it wouldn't be a surprise.

Yvette, still standing, cackles gleefully. She slides out from the announcers' table. Tiffany reaches her hand over the fallen Sabrina. The referee counts:

ONE!

TWO!

Sabrina, regaining her composure, begins to kick out just as the referee drops his hand for the third and final time...

THREE!

Sandra: Wait, I think she kicked out at two and a half.

Garry: Nope, too late. One contestant reigns supreme, and the judges all agree. Hey Yvette! Your grace, where are you running off to?

..... DING! DING! DING!

Tiffany Lane rolls herself out of the ring, completely spent. Aided by Nina, she hobbles back toward the dressing room. Perizi, coming fully to her senses, slams her hand hard on the mat in frustration, but cheers up when she gets a standing ovation from the fans.

Sandra: Look, there's Yvette! And she's carrying a duffel bag.

Garry: That's awful! shouldn't someone be carrying it for her?

Yvette runs up from behind Sabrina and delivers an unexpected savate kick to the head, knocking her to the mat. Over and over, Yvette kicks Sabrina, until Miss America lies curled up on the mat, face-down. The Marquise kicks her one more time for good measure and flips her over.

Sandra: What's that French psycho doing?

Yvette reaches into her duffel bag and unfolds a large American flag. She drapes the flag over Sabrina, spits on both, and goes up to the top rope.

Garry: I think the Marquise is going for the French tickler. There's one aristocrat I wouldn't mind getting tickled by.

Yvette jumps down at Sabrina's stomach, but at the last minute Miss America rolls out of the way. Yvette lands on the flag, which is promptly pulled from under her as Sabrina continues to roll out of the ring. The Marquise stumbles and ends up clotheslining herself on the top rope, in response to which the crowd breaks out in howls of laughter.

Garry: How dare they laugh at such a serious affront to such an important lady.

Sandra: Get real, gorilla boy.

Sabrina, wearing the American flag as if it were a huge cape, raises her arms high in the air as she walks back up the ramp toward the exit, to continued cheers from the crowd. Furious, the Marquise runs and grabs the ring announcer's microphone.

Yvette: You are a coward. A pathetic coward!

Yvette continues to speak into the microphone, but her words are drowned out by the roar of the crowd. As Sabrina disappears from the top of the ramp, the cheering stops. Yvette raises her arms in a big 'Y' and exits to a chorus of boos.

Sandra: Well, that's enough of that. Let's hear a word or two from our sponsors.

***** Winner by pinfall: "Miss BRA" Tiffany Lane *****