Laura Parker vs. Lindsey Locke
(Suddenly, "Shimmer" by fuel starts to play over the loudspeakers.)
Kenny: Well, looks like we're ready for our first match. Veronica Millions takes on Samantha Staffer in a match that promises to be highly technical and athletic.
Cari: (makes a face) Athletic!?! Technical!?! Wake me when this crap is over! I want blood! I want brutality!
(The crowd jumps to its feet waiting for Veronica to come out. Once she does she looks like she has not slept in days. Two men dressed in hospital uniforms walk out standing next to her. One of them is handcuffed to Veronica. Veronica is wearing a blue satin bikini and black low cut boots with a gold jacket. Once she gets to the ring, she is released and the two men stand outside the ring.)
Kenny: I don't know if I like this! Who are those two men? And what's happened to Veronica? She doesn't look at all like herself.
Cari: Hmmm. Maybe this will prove to be interesting after all.
("Shimmer" begins to quiet as the lights go dim and Samantha Staffer struts out to Queen's 'Another one Bites the Dust'. She is dressed in a skin tight short suit in shiny black with tall black leather boots, her hair is braided in a single braid down the back to keep it out of the way. She wears a baseball cap with Thirtysomething on the front She looks cool and confident and greets the crowd with a wave and a smile. Behind her on the jumbotron are glimpses of her past fights, both with Peggy and solo fights. The crowd roars it's approval.)
Kenny: And there's Samantha Staffer, a woman that could very well be one half of BRA's world tag team champions, after the upcoming PPV.
Cari: That's if she and Princess Piggy can get past Alexandria Parker and Gina Moore, something that I sincerely doubt!
Kenny: (looking at his computer) This is interesting. It seems that the crowd's loyalties are evenly divided in this match, half for Veronica and half for Samantha. It should be interesting to see which way the crowd sways as the match progresses.
Cari: Who cares about these idiot fans? Fans don't win you championship gold.
Ding! Ding! Ding!
(Just as the referee, Vicki Task, calls for the ringing of the bell, announcing the start of the match, Veronica jumps Samantha, attacking with a clubbing forearm to Staffer's back.)
Kenny: Well, it doesn't look like Veronica is wasting any time as she attacks Samantha while her back is turned. Thsi is odd behavior from Veronica.
(Veronica continues her assault with a series of punches to Samantha's back, rocking the bigger woman.)
Cari: Veronica is really taking it to the leader of The Cathouse. It looks like Veronica has finally smartened up. If you want to win, you gotta play a little dirty.
(The former Body Shopper grabs a handful of Samantha's hair and sends her flying across the ring with a hair mare. Samantha lets out a small grunt as she hits the hard canvas, landing on her back. Task warns Millions about the hair pull but she brushes past the referee, stomping and kicking Staffer's prone form.)
Kenny: Hmm. (tapping away at his keyboard) My stats tell me that, if Millions continues her assault, she has a 78% chance of winning this match.
(Veronica grabs another handful of Samantha's hair and drags her to her feet, the fans greeting Veronica's actions with a mixed response. Suddenly, Samantha surprises Veronica with a rake of the eyes, bringing the smaller woman to her knees. Staffer follows with a smack to the face, snapping Veronica's head back.)
Cari: Well, well, well, Business is about to pick up. Looks like Samantha has decided to fight fire with fire.
(Samantha grabs Veronica and brings her to her feet, whipping her into the ropes. As Veronica rebounds, she is surprised as Staffer back drops her to the mat. Veronica clutches the small of her back as the two orderlies exchange worried glances. Samantha swiftly grabs Veronica and slams her to the mat, sending Millions' petite form once again to the hard mat. Veronica lays there dazed as Samantha follows with a splash, hooking Veronica's leg upon impact.)
Kenny: Looks like Staffer is going for a quick win here.
(Task strikes the mat twice before Veronica kicks out of the pin attempt. Samantha again brings Veronica to her feet and whips her to the ropes. Samantha attempts a clothesline but Veronica ducks, whipping her arms around Millions' waist and executing a perfect German suplex. Veronica bridges as Task counts the pin.)
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Cari: Samantha kicks out. Staffer still has a lot of fight left. Millions has to continue working on that back if she hopes to wear Staffer down.
(As Samantha kicks out, Veronica looks out at the two orderlies, both men shouting for Veronica to punish Staffer some more. Veronica drags a dazed Samantha across the ring before choking her against the top rope. Samantha gasps for air as a disapproving Task counts, threatening Veronica with disqualification. Veronica stops the choke before Task can reach five and then punches Samantha in the face. Samantha lays dazed across the top rope, holding her head.)
Cari: Looks like Millions is really taking it to Samantha. We could soon see the end of this match!
(Veronica rebounds off the ropes and charges Staffer, attempting a clothesline, when, at the last possible second, Samantha ducks. With her own momentum, a shocked Veronica is sent flying from the ring, landing with a thud on the arena's padded floor.)
Kenny: Yikes! Looks like Millions just took a nasty spill. This could put the match in Staffer's favor.
(On shaky legs, Veronica grabs a handful of the ring's apron, using it to pull herself up. Suddenly, the fans scream as Staffer comes from the top turnbuckle, crashing down on the smaller Veronica with a sledgehammer to the back. Veronica again slumps to her knees as Samantha grabs her by the hair. With the crowd cheering loudly, Samantha whips Veronica into the metal railing, Veronica screaming upon impact.)
Kenny: Looks like Veronica's back was punished by that move. Samantha grabs a handful of hair and tosses Veronica into the ring steps.
Cari: Think again!
(Samantha tries to throw Veronica into the ring stairs but is shocked as Millions reverses the hold, sending Samantha's back crashing into hard, cold steel! Veronica follows with a boot to Samantha's stomach and knees to her chest. Samantha doubles over as Veronica flashes her a look of concern. Millions looks at the two orderlies.)
Veronica: I don't want to hurt her anymore!
(The two men ignore Veronica's words, ordering her to continue the assault. Taking a deep breath, Veronica reluctantly complies, rolling Samantha back into the ring. Veronica shoots the orderlies another look before following behind Samantha.)
Kenny: It looks like those two strange men are the cause of Veronica's strange behavior! They're ordering her to punish Samantha!
Cari: And it looks like she's really taking their advice to heart as she stomps a mud hole in ol' Sammy.
(Samantha tries to cover herself as Veronica proceeds to viciously stomp on her back. Veronica snatches the downed Samantha and performs a snap suplex, Staffer's back once again absorbing the punishment. Dropping a knee across Staffer's back, Veronica hooks the leg for a pin fall.)
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Kenny: Samantha manages to kick out just before the three count. Now, Veronica brings Samantha to her feet again. She attempts a power bomb but is shocked as Samantha back drops her.
Cari: Veronica once again finds herself on the mat. This is a see-saw battle!
(Veronica bounces to the mat, courtesy of Samantha's backdrop. Before Veronica can even fully rise to her feet, Samantha grabs Millions by her legs, performing an airplane spin! Veronica yelps as she finds herself, spinning in the air, the crowd counting with each rotation. Finally, after a number of spins, Samantha releases her, Veronica skidding across the ring!)
Cari: Ha! I love it! Millions is in dream land after that stunt.
(A woozy Veronica tries to again make it to her feet, only to be caught by a charging Samantha. Staffer grabs Veronica by the arm and sends her flying across the ring. As Veronica rebounds off of the ropes, she is caught by Staffer and held in bodyslam position. Suddenly, Staffer drops Veronica across her knee!)
Kenny: Punishing backbreaker by Samantha! Now, Samantha hooks the leg.
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(Samantha lets out a frustrated sigh as Veronica manages to lift her shoulder before the three count. Samantha lifts Veronica and slams her to the mat again. Suddenly, Staffer grabs a prone Veronica's legs and twists her into a scorpion death lock maneuver. veronica yelps in pain as Staffer applies the lethal move, almost bending Veronica in two!)
Cari: That's Staffer's finisher, the Scorpion death lock! I think it's curtains for Veronica Millions!
(The reactions of the fans remains mixed as Samantha applies the hold, hoping to force a submission from Veronica. As Task asks, Veronica shakes her head, refusing to submit. With her face twisted in pain, Veronica slowly drags herself to the ropes, tagging the bottom rope. Staffer reluctantly releases the hold.)
Kenny: Remarkable! Veronica just escaped Staffer's finishing move! What else can Samantha do?
(Samantha slaps the mat in frustration before advancing on a fallen Veronica. As Samantha nears, she is surprised with a boot to the midsection. veronica slowly makes it to her feet and adds another punch to Staffer's stomach. Doubled over, Veronica promptly DDTs Samantha. Hooking the leg, Veronica attempts a pin.)
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(Again, Samantha manages to kick out. Veronica quickly mounts the second turnbuckle and greets a rising Samantha with a missile drop kick to the chest. Veronica repeats the move before whipping Samantha to the ropes. As Samantha rebounds, Veronica attempts another clothesline but finds only canvas as Samantha ducks. Staffer attempts a fireman's carry takedown but is elbowed in the side of the head, causing her to loosen her grip. Veronica quickly grabs a dazed Samantha and turns her upside down, lifting her in the air.)
Cari: Tombstone Piledriver! Veronica just nailed her finisher! Samantha Staffer is toast!
Kenny: uh...Didn't you just say the same thing about Veronica, a few minutes ago?
Cari: Shut up, monkey boy!
(Veronica lays across Samantha's chest and hooks the leg, attempting another pin. Task slides into position to make the three count.)
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Kenny: No! Samantha just kicked out! I don't believe it!
(And neither does Veronica as Staffer kicks out of her finishing move. The orderlies exchange more nervous glances as Veronica brings Samantha to her feet. She rocks Samantha with a few forearm shots to the chest before whipping her to the ropes. As Samantha rebounds, she is surprised by a hurricanrana from Millions. Millions hooks the leg and tries another pin but fails as Staffer again kicks out. Frustrated, Veronica goes to the top turnbuckle, measuring a rising Staffer.)
Kenny: Looks like Veronica is ready to pounce on Staffer and she connects with a cross body block from the top. She's hooking the leg!
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Cari: Wait! Staffer just reversed the pin attempt. She has Veronica pinned!
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Kenny: Now, Veronica has reversed it! She's covering Staffer!
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Cari: No! Staffer just rolled over and is now covering Millions! Looks like she has a handful of tights, as well.
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3!
Ding! Ding! Ding!
Kenny: I don't believe it! Samantha Staffer just stole that victory! She had a handful of Veronica's tights!
Cari: (grins) Score another one for cheating and dirty tactics! Uh oh! Doesn't look like Staffer's celebration isn't going to last long.
(As Samantha raises her arms in victory, Veronica suddenly drop kicks her from behind, knocking the taller woman to the mat. The orderlies shout orders as Veronica drags Samantha from the ring and towards the announcer's table.)
Kenny: Here comes trouble!
Cari: I don't know about you but I'm getting the hell out of here!
(Kenny and Cari scurry from their table as Veronica approaches, dragging Samantha by the hair. Veronica punches Samantha in the stomach again, doubling her over. Veronica grabs Samantha by the waist and lifts her in the air, power bombing her through the announcer's table!)
Crowd: Holy (bleep)! Holy (bleep)! Holy (bleep)!
(Samantha lays unconscious among the rubble and debris as Peggy Christian and a team of medics rush to ringside to help her. Meanwhile, the orderlies handcuff Veronica and drag her away from the carnage, the crowd showering Veronica in a mix of jeers and cheers. The scene suddenly fades into an advertisement for the upcoming PPV.)
Winner: Samantha Staffer