Cyra Min vs. Lana Storm
[Fade in.]
Sandra: Welcome back, folks. We're nearing the end of tonight's show. Next up, the nefarious Cyra Min meets the self-adoring Lana Storm. A lot of words have flown between these women.
Garry: One of them using more syllables than the other, mind you.
Sandra: But it all comes down to this. Surprisingly, Cyra wanted a catfight, but Lana never accepted the offer.
Garry: Oh, don't remind me. I ran out and bought a VHS tape, but then that cutie Lana denied me.
Sandra: Maybe she has more self respect than Cyra.
Garry: That, or she knew Cyra was gonna clean up the mat with her.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, our next match begins with, first, from Los Angeles, California, standing at 5'8" and 143 pounds, Cyra Min!
[The lights dim,and colored strobes burst in the arena. The fans are less than happy to hear Cyra's name. Rob Zombie's, "What's Lurking on Channel X" begins as Cyra handsprings through the entrance. Her bodysuits circuits appear to luminate in the arena's lack of lighting. Cyra mockingly blows kisses to the fans, most of whom are screaming for her head. She rushes to the ring and knocks the microphone from the ring announcer's hands. As he bends to grab is, Cyra boots him hard in the rump, laughing.]
Garry: That's is, sweetie! You show him what's what!
Sandra: What are you talking about?
Garry: Isn't it obvious? She's sticking it to the Man!
Sandra: She's what?!
Garry: [rolls eyes] It's so obvious. She's fighting back at the society which has oppressed her for too long. Now if she's just fight back at the indescency laws and strip down -
Sandra: What about Viper? Hasn't she been oppressed?
Garry: Naw, she's just a biker bimbo.
Announcer: [standing; glaring at Cyra] Ahem. Her opponent this evening, from New Jersey, New York -
Sandra: What?!
Garry: Is that a real place?
Sandra: I think he's making it up now.
Announcer: - standing at 5'5" and weighing in at 113 pounds, Lana Storm!
[The beautiful raven-haired Lana Storm, in a leather two piece and barefoot, enters the arena. She is followed by both her boyfriend and girlfriend. She has more fans than Cyra, if only because Cyra has had more time to be hated or others simply don't like Lana's opponent. She struts along as lightning bolts strike the entrance ramp. Over the sound system, "Back That Azz Up" by Juvenile plays. Lana cautiously enters the ring, and shows herself off the the cheering fans. Cyra cat calls and whistles at Lana.]
Cyra: [seductively] Oh, baby! Shake that cottage cheese!
[Lana sneers at Cyra.]
Lana: You crazy ass bitch. I'm gonna destroy you and then embarrass you.
[The bell rings]
Sandra: Lana wastes no time! Missile drop kick-
Garry: [laughing] Which Cyra sidesteps.
Sandra: [winces] Ow! Lana flies out of the ring. Cyra has doubled over from laughing.
Garry: Who didn't?
Sandra: The referee is beginning to count. Lana's boyfriend is trying to help Lana up. Looks like she hurt herself. Lana crawls back into the ring, a little shaky. Cyra wastes no time. Hair toss by Cyra followed by a guillotine legdrop across Lana's throat.
Garry: That's it, baby! Show her how it's done!
Sandra: Cyra drags her smaller opponent to the corner and flips her upside down against the ring post. This is an interesting move.
[Cyra places her foot in Lana's back, lacing Lana's arms under the bottom rope. She the straightens her leg and pulls on Lana's arm. Lana screams as Cyra's make shift surfboard pulls at her shoulders. The referee counts the three before Cyra releases the hold.]
Garry: Ow, baby! That was not a kind tactic.
Sandra: No, but an interesting one, to say the least. Cyra lets go and backs off, kicking Lana one time before her body hits the mat. Cyra lifts Lana and puts her shoulders - airplane spin! Cyra launches Lana into the center of the mat and follows it by jumping and landing feet first on Lana's face. I don't think this is the sort of match Lana had planned on.
Garry: You mean the "getting your butt kicked" kind of match?
Sandra: Uh... well... yes. Cyra gets Lana in a headlock - Lana's boyfriend is up on the mat now!
[Lana's boyfriend begins demanding Cyra is cheating with hair pulls and eye gouges. As he does, Lana drives her knee up into Cyra's crotch. Cyra releases the headlock and Lana shoves her backwards. Behind Cyra waits Lana's girlfriend who is holding the middle rope up. Lana chokes and shoves Cyra's head down so her girlfriend can wrap the middle rope over her kneck. Immobile and choking, Cyra is helpless as Lana pummels Cyra's chest and stomach. The referee starts to turn around, but Lana's boyfriend grabs him and shakes him, managing to continue the argument.]
Garry: [astounded] Wha - how? I - I'm shocked.
Sandra: Because you don't know who to root for anymore?
Garry: Well - Yes, exactly!
Sandra: You sick pig. Lana's receives a chair from Lana, and Cyra receives it in the stomach. Dear God, Cyra's face is as purple as her bodysuit.
Garry: I underestimated lovely Lana! Ni-i-i-i-ce tactics!
[Lana grabs Cyra's legs and flips her out of the ring. Lana waits and, as Cyra rises to her feet, missile dropkicks at Cyra, but her opponent sidesteps the manuever and lands on her side, crumpling from the jolt. Cyra manages a face stomp before Lana's girlfriend hits Cyra from behind with a chair, knocking her down. Lana jumps to her feet.]
Sandra: Lana and her girlfriend are body stomping Cyra while Lana's boyfriend continues to distract the referee! Wipe the drool off your chin, Garry. Wait - the referee has turned around! He's infuriated.
Garry: Aw, damn it! He ruined the moment.
Sandra: Even Cyra doesn't deserve this! She's been underhanded in the past, but she's never double teamed anyone.
Garry: Only because no one likes her enough to work with her.
[Lana climbs into the ring and shouts at the referee, managing to manuever the both of them so his back is to Cyra and her girlfriend, who continues kicking Cyra up and down her body.]
Sandra: Lana's girlfriend pulls Cyra up by the hair and slam her face into the steel steps - once, twice - wait! Cyra juts her arm out to prevent any more! Cyra elbows Lana's girlfriend in the chest!
Garry: That's my baby!
Sandra: I'm ignoring you now. Cyra's reaching for her boot - she's withdrawing a pair of brass knuckles! Cyra clocks Lana's girlfriend! Once more! Lana's girlfriend is down and out!
[Cyra realizes Lana is too busy arguing with the referee and both seem to have forgotten her. She crawls to the opposite side of the ring where Lana's boyfriend is standing on the mat outside the ropes.]
Sandra: Uh oh! Lana notices her girlfriend unconscious outside the ring and is looking for Cyra! Cyra grabs Lana's boyfriend by the pants and yanks him off the ropes! He slams against the concrete!
Garry: Oh, I bet he goes to the doctor after this match.
Sandra: He won't remember what hit him, though. He's out like a light.
[Again, Cyra crawls to the other side of the ring. The referee starts the count, nervously looking around Cyra to pop up.]
Sandra: Lana notices her boyfriend's gone! She runs to find him. That woman is not having a good day.
[Cyra puts her brass knuckles down the V-neck of her body suit and climbs into the ring, running at Lana.]
Garry: Wow! A frankensteiner from behind! You don't see a lot of those!
Sandra: For good reasons, like possibly breaking someone's neck. Cyra lifts Lana up for a bodyslam - no, a shoulder breaker right on Cyra's knee! Lana felt that!
Garry: [proudly] That's my girl!
Sandra: You'd better hope Cyra doesn't find out you rooted for Lana. Cyra lifts Lana up and places her on the turnbuckles. Cyra climbs the ropes and lifts Lana - corkscrew piledriver! Lana's down now! Cyra covers her!
Two...
Three!
[The bell rings.]
Sandra: It's over! Cyra has defeated the newcomer
Announcer: The winner by pinfall - Cyra Min!
[Cyra holds her hand up with the referee, who then tries to usher her out of the ring quickly. She smiles and kisses him on the forehead. She tells him to "run along and play. Mommy's got some business here." She pulls the brass knuckles from the neck of her body suit.]
Garry: I'd give anything to have those knuckles now.
Sandra: Ow! Falling fist to Lana's face, with knuckles! Cyra is beating Lana's face! The referee tries to pull her off, but Cyra won't budge!
[As Cyra slams her fist into Lana's face over and over, she melodically sings, "Cheaters never prosper! Cheaters never prosper!" over and over again. Then, finally, when Lana is obviously out, Cyra stands, replacing the somewhat bloodied knuckles from whence she took them. Cyra turns to the referee, pinches his cheek, and walks from the ring.]
Garry: Here come the medics, a familiar site at BRA.
Sandra: You know, a great way to make money would be for companies to rent out ads on the medics' jackets. They're seen enough. We've got a commercial folks, but when we come back, the night's highlight when the lovable Skye Soaring Hawk squares off against Yvette DeSade Malreaux.
[Fade]