Lil Alexandra vs. Tina Dream
Sandra: Folks, tonight has been nothing short of nuts. First off, Brynn Kennedy was humiliated verbally by Tiffany Lane and beaten down by Nina Larue. Next, inner Body Shop turmoil erupted during a match between Meagan Delanoire and Jenny Anderson that was... well - you just has to see it. Next up, newcomer Lil Alexandra faces off against the lovely-
Garry: And mostly plastic.
Sandra: Tina Dream.
Garry: Another Shopper. Sherry Ann better high tail it out here to protect her, too.
Sandra: Come off it, Garry. Tina Dream is more than capable of handling herself.
Garry: Handling herself? Not here she doesn't! The FCC would fine us!
Sandra: [stares, unsure what to say]
Garry: Before we get onto the match tonight, though, Little Alexandra's "representative," Dr. Cosmo McKinnley, has a plea he'd like to make to a few wrestlers.
[Camera cuts to footage. Dr. McKinnley is in the foreground, Nurse Ansalong is in the background on a cell phone talking to someone about a �connection� and a �shipment� while Little Alexandra stares into the camera with a glazed look and smile. She has both hands folded over the top of her walking stick and has the stick right in front of her legs, in perfect symmetry. Her insane glare makes her appear as if on drugs. McKinnley says:]
McKinnley: Hello. [He smiles like a con man.] My name is Dr. Cosmo McKinnley, director of the Dentonvale Clinic. I, along with my sister and . . . colleague, Dr. Nation McKinnley, not present tonight, are here to make two pleas to BRA wrestlers. First is to Lisa Dream, sister of Little Alexandra�s opponent. You need help, my dear. You have problems which the Dentonvale Clinic may be able to help. We have the means to help people like you, with your obvious . . . disorder. [McKinnley looks sad.] Next is to Laura Parker and Willie Wienerman. You both have done such a magnificent job raising money for Childhood Onset Neuralgia. There are so many children which need help. We at the Dentonvale Clinic can put that money to good use by opening up a wing dedicated to the treatment of such a disease. However, we are lacking in funds. Won�t the two of you help us?
[Camera cuts back to Garry and Sandra.]
Garry: That man gives me the willies.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you our next match. First, standing at 5'4" and weighin in at 119 pounds, from Liverpool, England - Little Alexandra!
[As soon as Beethoven�s �Ode to Joy� starts up, Dr. McKinnley and Nurse Ansalong come out. Nurse Ansalong in her tight nurse�s outfit and Dr. McKinnley in his pulled over 1930�s style psychiatrist�s jacket, both smiling. They then both each pull aside one section of the curtain as soon as �The End is the Beginning is the End� by the Smashing Pumpkins starts, and Little Alexandra comes through with her bowler, tight white outfit, walking stick, white midriff shirt and suspenders. As they go down the aisle, Dr. McKinnley and Nurse Ansalong wave to the audience as if they are fan favorites and McKinnley signs fans� programs whether they want them signed or not. To anyone wearing a t-shirt of the Body Shop, he will give them his card and ask them to make an appointment with him.]
Sandra: Something about that trio scares me.
Garry: C'mon, Sandra. I see you shiver with an-tic....
Sandra: [annoyed] Say it, Garry.
Garry: -Pation.
Sandra: What on earth is possessing you lately?
Announcer: Her opponent tonight, standing at 5'4" and weighing in at 124 pounds, from Virginia Beach, Virginia - Tina Dream!
[Tina appears in the entranceway wearing a cheerleaders uniform, smiling inanely and waving like a lunatic. She comes bouncing merrily down the aisleway performing a series of cartwheels and backflips. Suddenly as she reaches the ringside area, Tina hops onto the announcer's table and signal for the music to begin. As Tina's music begins, she starts doing a bump and grind and slowly, teasingly strips down to a leopardskin thong bikini.]
Garry: [takes out a ten dollar bill; says in a voice of contempt as he waves it at Tina] Do you do bachelor parties?
[Tina then hops onto the ring apron. Tina grasps the ringpost and lifts herself up into a handstand, performing a handspring somersault into the ring. Tina's fans erupt into applause.]
Garry: Two-four-six-eight, tell me who we really hate!
Sandra: And there's the bell! The women are circling each other carefully. Dream has a slight weight advantage, but Alexandra has the benefit of surprise. No one knows what to expect from this newcomer. Tina seems tired of waiting for Alexandra to do something and lunges at her. Alexandra side steps and bearhugs her from behind! Atomic Drop! That's going to smart!
[As Tina clutches herself and mutters painfully, Alexandra calmly rakes the heal of her combat boot across Tina's eyes. The referee gives Alexandra a warning, but she regards him passively.]
Sandra: Alexandra kicks Tina in the throat! Tina's sprawled in the ropes behind her. Alexandra places her boot fimly in Dream's throat and holds onto the ropes! So she's going to be that sort of wrestler.
Garry: Oh don't you even start! Tina Dream, for such a good girl, sure loves to deal those nasty tactics herself. Let's face it, the whole Body Shop is nothing more than a group of rule lawyers who cry, "Foul," when it benefits them but commit bloody murder! This is payback!
Sandra: I admit sometimes they go too far but - oh, Alexandra is finally backing off. The referee warns her about those tactics. Alexandra pulls Tina by the legs - Tina wraps her legs around Alexandra's neck! Tina flips Alexandra to the mat! She's trying to squeeze some of that fight out of her opponent.
Garry: Well, the referee doesn't quite agree! He says it's choking and is making Tina break the hold.
Sandra: Tina's up and brings Alexandra with her! Face slam into the turnbuckle. That seems to have rattled her clockworks a bit.
[Alexandra stumbles back, shoving Tina away. She walks up to Tina and stares her in the eyes. Tina seems unsure what to do, as Alexandra is merely staring her down.]
Alexandra: [in a cold tone] A devotchka like you is about to creech out in pain, little sister.
Sandra: Tina seems befuddled. Alexandra backs off and circles the mat a bit more. Tina lunges again and is caught in a choke hold by Alexandra - make that choke slam! Ouch! Alexandra lifts Tina and slams her into the corner. Alexandra's straddling the second rope!
[ Little Alexandra begins delivering serious punches to the head of Tina Dream, cackling with each one. At the tenth, she climbs to the third rope, grabs Tina�s head, and jump down to the mat, throwing Tina�s poor head into the mat, face first, then start into a flurry of kicks, like a lunatic.]
Sandra: Shouldn't the referee be stopping this?
Garry: No! She's not doing anything illegal! Kicks are allowed for people besides your prescious Body Shop!
Sandra: You're beginning to ride my nerves, fatboy. Tina is trying to get away from Alexandra - yipes!
Garry: For those of you not fluent in Sandra-ese, that roughly translates as Alexandra just kicked Tina from behind and got her where is counts.
[The referee, obviously becoming thin on paitence, warns Alexandra again not to use such tactics. Tina, teeth gritted, rolls on the mat. Alexandra looks down, uncaring, at Tina.]
Alexandra: What a pretty face you have, little sister. You won�t be needing that anymore. [THWAP!]
Garry: OW! Oh that hurts! A field goal kick to the nose!
[Tina immediately shoots away from Alexandra and clutches her nose. A ruby stream has already gushed from her hands and down her chest, soaking into her bikini top.]
Garry: [cringing] That's a broken nose if I ever saw one. Yipes.
Sandra: I can't believe she did that!
Garry: Well, it's not really against the rules.... I'm pretty sure. It just hurts to look at.
[Alexandra nears Tina. Tina is now enraged. She throws a wild slug at Alexandra, but Alexandra catches her wrists and bends her arm down. Practically defying gravity, Tina pushes herself up and wraps her legs around Alexandra's neck. Flipping over, Alexandra lands on her head, but immediately shoots up, pushing herself away from Tina. She staggers as she walks.]
Alexandra: Welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, well. I viddy that you are real horrorshow. I like that, little sister.
[Tina seems unimpressed. She legsweeps Alexandra. As Alexandra tumbles down, Tina puts herself behind her opponent and clamps on a bodyscissor hold and latches on to the muscles and tendons in Alexandra's neck, pinching down hard. She rolls onto her back and lifts Alexandra above her, squeezing tighter. Obviously in pain, Alexandra's face shows only a slight amount of anger in her face as her cheeks begin to turn rosey. Alexandra throws her headback, managing to crush Tina's nose again. Tina shrieks and releases the scissorhold.]
Sandra: Alexandra really knows how to profit from a bad situation. The referee really should end the match. If Tina's got a broken nose -
Garry: Naw, I'm sure she's fine. C'mon, Alexandra!
Sandra: Alexandra's up and turns around - kick to the groin by Tina Dream!
Garry: Very popular during this match.
Sandra: Followed by a DDT!
[Alexandra is now the one cradling herself. Tina Dream wipes drying blood from her face and stares at a camera.]
Tina: Maxus! You're next!
[The referee, having had enough seperates both women forcibly. Alexandra raises to her feet as the ref, now red as a beet, begins to yell.]
Referee: I have had it. I'm am more than ready to disqualify both of you. I said no more low tactics and, damn it, I meant it. Now fight right or don't fight at all!
Garry: He just sucked the fun out of this match.
Sandra: He has to restore order. I'm glad someone's trying. Tina lunges again at Alexandra but is caught in a bear hug! Wait, she's changed her mind - she's loosening the grasp and bodyslamming Tina! Tina doesn't looked too faced - kick to Alexandra's midsection! Tina's delivers a knifehand chop across Alexandra's chest! She prepares for an Irish Whip - and dropkick on the return trip! Tina yanks Alexandra up - she's going to do it again!
[Outside the ring, the busty redhead Nurse Ansalong makes a loud, *ahem* at the referee. As he looks over to her, he catches her in the act of bending over, exposing her... more tender side, to be polite. The referee's jaw drops. Dr. McKinnley, on the other side of the ring now, reaches into his jacket and tosses a small bagful of thumbtacks in front of Tina. As Tina steps forward, preparing a missile dropkick, she instead shrieks as many of the little caltrops jab into her feet. As the referee is about to turn, Alexandra whips back, lifts Tina Dream up and bodyslams her on the rest of the tacks. Immediately, Alexandra goes for a pin.]
Two...
Three!
[The bell rings.]
Sandra: I can't believe it! The referee didn't catch Cosmo!
Garry: How could he? Tina was covering the evidence. I have to admit, even I thought that was... nasty. Ow! She could get lockjaw - not that I'd mind her being unable to talk, of course.
[Alexandra holds her arms up, then returns her cold gaze to Tina. She grabs Tina's hair and pulls her up, then suplexes her. As she rises to continue her assault, Cosmo and Nurse Ansalong are already in the ring. Cosmo retrieves a hyperdermic needle from inside his jacket pocket and jabs it into Alexandra's arm. Alexandra's eyelids flutter as she buckles and fall into Nurse Ansalong's arms. The pair drag her from the ring.]
Sandra: The referee is seeing to Tina Dream - he's inspecting her back.
[The referee sees the countless silver tacks firmly in Tina's back, and realizes he was had. He glares up as Cosmo, who is practically out of the arena.]
Garry: Well, it's HIS fault, really. If he'd been more interested in the match, Tina might have had a different ending.
Sandra: Maybe so. Well, fans, stick around. We've got more for you after these words.
[Fade]