Round One Tag Match: "Brawl in the Mall"
[Fade in. Garry and Sandra are sitting at the commentators' table. Both seem very excited.]
Sandra: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back! This is the last event of the evening, and it's going to be something special!
Garry: You can say that again! We've got a group of women from the same stable, the Sisterhood, facing off in a Round One Tag Tournament match - but not just any old match! Hell no! This is a Brawl in the Mall match!
Sandra: Which, honestly, is just a tag match in the local Galleria.
Garry: [nearly singing] Yeah, but there's so much damage you could cause there.
Sandra: Since we can't be there, though, this match will have a special match commentator. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you, former Canadian wrestling champion and personality from Harmageddon Women's Wrestling Association - "Hammerlock" Hank Lazarelli!
[The screen splits. In the left-hand section stands a large bald man wearing a black t-shirt saying, "Mama Didn't Love Me Right." His arms are covered with tattoos. He places the headset on. Behind him is a wrestling ring set up in the foyer of a mall. Fans are held back from the ring by velvet ropes.]
Hammerlock: Heya Sandra! Garry! It's [censored] great to be here!
Sandra: Uh, Hammerlock, I know its been a while since you've been on TV, but there are words you can't say.
Hammerlock: [taking a swig of beer] Hey, cutie-pie, that's what the mother-[censored] censors are for, right?
Sandra: [taken aback] Cutie-pie?
Garry: You tell her, Hammerlock.
Hammerlock: Shut you God-[censored] [censored] pie hole, you gassy old pig-[censored] [censored]. I heard all your comments about Canadians, and next time I'm over there, I'm gonna ram my [censored] boot so far up you [censored], you're going to be [censored] leather for a month!
[Garry nervously removes his headset and sneaks off.]
Hammerlock: Damn right. Now, let's get down to the nitty-gritty, Sandra. What we've got here is two set of viscious women who are notorious for their brutality as much as their beauty and cunning. Time and again, they've proven they will stop at nothing to get what they want, but usually their facing opponents of the more law-abiding order. Now their facing each other, and I think we're going to get a treat normally reserved for pay-per-view events of highly illegal underground fighting events.
Sandra: Well, I think - [blinks] What was that last part?
Hammerlock: Don't matter. Now, as far as I'm concerned, the Parkers are at a stinker of a disadvantage here. The vivascious Babe Squad outdo her in their ruthlessness, not to mention hunger. I can't help but think Nina and Tiffany are really burning for a victory right about now.
Sandra: Surely, though, you can't deny both Laura and Alexandria Parker don't have equal talent.
Hammerlock: Oh, they've got the talent, don't get me wrong. But I don't know how these two are going to work together. Again, the Babe Squad have been a team for a long time, Sandra, and they both know how the other works. The Parkers don't have that advantage. I'm not saying it's going to be a landslide! In fact, it's going to be a close, close match, but my gut is screaming Babe Squad.
Sandra: So you don't think the various patches of turmoil will cause trouble for the Babe Squad.
Hammerlock: Hell no! That's outside the ring, and any good wrestler knows once they get in that squared circle, nothing matters but putting your opponent down for the count.
Sandra: Well, Hammerlock, if you say so. I'm just unsure, but we'll see.
Hammerlock: And how. [Bell sounds] Hey, I think we've got a match getting ready. Let's go ringside.
Sandra: Sounds wonderful, Hammerlock.
[The camera cuts to ring. The announcer for this match, a younger red-haired woman dressed in a tuxedo, enters the ring and picks up the microphone.]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Battling Ring Angels Final Event of the evening. This event is titled, "Brawl in the Mall." A Round One event, two tag teams will face off tonight and the winners will advance to the next round, one step closer to being the first Tag Champions of BRA.
[Crowd pops.]
Announcer: Now, ladies and gentlemen, let's get the show rolling! First, from Beverly Hills, California, at a combined weight of 250 pounds - Nina Larue and Tiffany Lane, also know as the Babe Squad!
[The fans do not hesitate. An eruption of approval overpowers the Right Said Fred song, "I'm Too Sexy." Pyro pots explode and fire works soar through the air. The Babe Squad steps from behind the curtains, both women looking extremely angry. "The Goddess" Nina Larue wears a black, mini dress and matching heels. Her long, black hair falls to the small of her back. "First Lady" Tiffany Lane wears a black gown and the "Miss BRA" tiara and sash. Her long, blonde hair is pinned atop her head in an elegant, french braid. The two busty beauties sashay to ringside and are showered in cat calls and wolf whistles. Nina grabs a microphone, her sensual, violet eyes blazing with anger. Tiffany stands next to her with her arms folded across her chest, a bored expression on her exquisite face.]
Sandra: [off-screen] Uh, they don't look dressed for a wrestling match
Hammerlock: [off-screen] I've seen wrestlers work in less comfortable gear than that. You never know.
Nina: [angered] How dare they!?! How dare BRA administration attempt to force the Sisterhood against each other!?! From the very beginning, BRA has tried everything to destroy The Sisterhood, from the blatant disregard of Tiffany's win over that skank, Samantha Page, to denying Yvette the Celestial Title! They have been so jealous of our beauty, style, grace, and class that they have tried everything in their power to topple our empire! They couldn't beat us in or out of the ring so their only solution is to pit us against one another in the hopes that we will kill each other, in this shambles of a match! A Brawl in the Mall!?! What in the hell is that suppossed to be!?! First, The Babe Squad are ladies and we do not brawl! We have far too much dignity to degrade ourselves in such a way! Second, we are the Sisterhood. Do you know what that means? It means the state or condition of a sister. Females of the same kind or society. We may have our fair share of arguments and dissagreements but, when it all comes down to it, we are sisters, a family. We refuse to let BRA turn us against one another. We're way too intelligent and clever to fall for such an obvious ploy to break us up! Third, the only thing a mall is good for is shopping! So, in closing, screw BRA and their Brawl in the Mall!
[Nina hands the mike to Tiffany.]
Tiffany: [with a smirk] Yeah. Ditto.
Hammerlock: Well, this fu[censored]ing sucks.
["I'm Too Sexy" begins to play again as the two women leave the ring to a decidely mixed reaction. The announcer looks at the young referee. The two exchange nervous glances. A second and third referee come to the ring. They discuss the matter. Finally, the announcer takes the microphone and speaks. She is noticeably shaken by what has occurred.]
Announcer: La-ladies and gentlemen... I'm sorry, but the match is cancelled. Alexandria and Laura Parker win by disqualification.
[The crowd begins to boo. The camera scans the faces of disappointed fans. Some smaller girls, dressed to look like Nina and Tiffany, begin tearing up. The camera cuts to a shocked Hammerlock.]
Hammerlock: Uh... I just want to remind the heads at Battling Ring Angels that I still get paid for coming out here, okay?
[The camera cuts to the arena, where fans watching the match on the Angeltron are reacting in a similar fashion. Sandra, shocked, shakes her head.]
Sandra: Ladies and gentlemen... I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. I - I guess that's all for this week. Join us next week for.... uh.... oh, man.
[Cuts to credits.]